I would drive 10,000 miles...

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hey guys.  I'm just posting because I'm filled with self doubt right now that I made the right decision.  I Haven't been perfect, I'm not perfect.  I've made a lot of mistakes with my ex fiancé... .mostly because I've been frustrated with my career over the last five years we've been on and off.

We started dating in 2011. I just came out of a relationship with a woman who Left me for our neighbor.   She said she was in an on and off relationship for 8 years with an abusive man.  I was never in an on and off relationship before... .so I was her white knight.  I was gonna rescue her and show her true love.

First two years were good (except for her accusations of cheating a few times. I don't even look at other women. I'm loyal to a fault... .as you'll see)  She became my best friend.  Her family was a mess. Mom cheated when ex was young and ruined her dad, blamed him for the divorce to the kids, took everything and then married a guy with money.  Oldest son is an alchoholic and in and out of rehab. Oldest daughter has a kid from age 18, never married and dates three guys at a time.  My ex has never been married, is moms "scapegoat" has been in "bad relationships", and her youngest sister is married and is the moms golden child.  

Coming from a family that was and is still close, it was interesting to try and balance her split family life that was constantly filled with drama and triangulation.  Eventually, I was outcastes from the family, deleted and blocked on facebook by several family members.  It all started when I proposed to my ex fiancé... .her mom was upset I didn't ask her permission... .and that I only asked her dad.  Her dad and my ex had a close relationship (part of the reason she was a scapegoat) and I had only met her mom once or twice.

So basically after I proposed it all went down hill. Her family allied with the mom didn't support marriage.  Since the budget was all on my shoulders,  I was trying to save money and worked two jobs.  My ex fiancé started getting distant with me, picking fights trying to control me more.  I was stressing and burning out.  I quit one job.  Eventually it all came to a head after an argument due to my "instability" and she threw me out after five days of silent treatment.  I moved 60 miles north to my moms basement... .still working down in our city where all the jobs are.

That was three years ago.  Like I said, she got really distant back then, and I suspected something was up.  Sex stopped.  She had a new "friend" and was acting secretive.  She wouldn't reach out to me, unless I initiated contact.

Eventually, after a few months of no contact I tried to start talking with her again... .hoping she'd realize what she was losing.  We really did have a great friendship, I thought. I still held on hope that we could work it out.  I started driving 120 miles a day to work round trip... .hoping she'd let me come home.  But she always had an excuse to keep me away. She said she loved me and wanted to work things out.  So I started driving to her on the weekends as well.  I asked her if she would drive up to me sometimes, but she never wanted to... .or offered, only to retract and oblige me to drive down to her.  I was driving 1000 miles a week now. Sex was infrequent... .twice a year maybe? Initiated by me.  She said she now wants to wait until marriage. Okay.

The major city we lived in, the rent has gone up 50% in the last few years.  I didn't want to move down because I kept hoping we'd get married, and get back together. I didn't want to commit to an apartment only to in my hopeful mind, waste money once we lived together again.  So year after year, I drove 120-150 miles a day. 4-5 hours.  I'd get frustrated, ask for her to help... .or let me come home.  Again nothing.  We'd fight, break up... .she'd give me the silent treatment.  Months would go by, rinse repeat.  This happened about 4-5 times.   I've gained weight, my self esteem has plunged and Ive kept losing jobs... .getting new jobs, further away.

She told me I was unstable financially, and that she couldn't be with me until I've held a job for at least two years.  But there are no jobs up north.  The small town I live in... .and I tried to tell her that if I got a job up north, then I would be reverse commuting if I moved back down with her,  silence.  For three years, since the initial split There has been no presence of me on her social media, no pictures of me in her apartment.  But she "loves me more than anything and wants to marry me".  I haven't seen her family apart from a few nuetral family members for three years.  I haven't spent Christmas, thanksgiving, or a 4th of July with her in three years... .because I didn't want to drive, her family didn't invite me, and she has refused to see my family since Im not around hers.

Increasing frustrated.  After the latest period of silent treatment because of arguing over the distance... .I caved and we started talking again.  She told me she missed me everyday, loved me but again, accepted I was gone.  We started hanging out again... .I'd suggest her coming to me, again nope.  So I drove down to her, we went hiking... .doing the same hike she loves to do and we've done dozens of times.  She told me I was the only person that would go hiking with her. She also told me she had been dating other guys... .but they were just "friends" and she didn't like them because they just "wanted sex".  I asked her how man guys? She said two, one this year... .and one three years ago, she said " I told you about him, remember?" She never did... .she was gaslighting me, she did that a lot over the years.  Anyway, we lasted about a month as I couldn't get over the fact she was dating during our breaks... .plus, it was obvious my gut was right three years ago when she kicked me out to see this "friend" who "just wanted sex".  I dated no one, because I loved her.  She said it was my fault she started dating because I broke up with her.  I asked her how she met these guys, she said what I already knew... ."facebook". (Where I haven't existed for three years)

I told her I didn't trust her, and I'm not traveling for her anymore.  She won't touch me, there's no romance anymore.  I deserve better.  She told me she "loves me and will go wherever I go". She's been Silent now for three months.  Her birthday is coming up in a couple weeks.  Every year I make a big deal about it, taking her out of town to an expensive hotel.  Every year, she says I celebrate her birthdays because I want to go on these trips... .and they are not for her.  She doesn't even take me to dinner for my birthday... .or sabotages it.  one year, she lectured me basically telling me what an unstable loser I am. Great birthday that year.

So yeah, I guess I'm a glutton for punishment.  It sucks.  I love her but I absolutrly have to let go this time.  I can't be with her now it's verified she's been with others... .to what capacity I still don't know. I do have some self respect.  Last week I got a notified that one of her guy friends "loved" a picture I still had of her from her birthday trip last year.  I went through and deleted all the remaining pics I had of her.

[Huh?]

Hey guys.  I'm just posting because I'm filled with self doubt right now that I made the right decision.  I Haven't been perfect, I'm not perfect.  I've made a lot of mistakes with my ex fiancé... .mostly because I've been frustrated with my career over the last five years we've been on and off.

We started dating in 2011. I just came out of a relationship with a woman who Left me for our neighbor.   She said she was in an on and off relationship for 8 years with an abusive man.  I was never in an on and off relationship before... .so I was her white knight.  I was gonna rescue her and show her true love.

First two years were good (except for her accusations of cheating a few times. I don't even look at other women. I'm loyal to a fault... .as you'll see)  She became my best friend.  Her family was a mess. Mom cheated when ex was young and ruined her dad, blamed him for the divorce to the kids, took everything and then married a guy with money.  Oldest son is an alchoholic and in and out of rehab. Oldest daughter has a kid from age 18, never married and dates three guys at a time.  My ex has never been married, is moms "scapegoat" has been in "bad relationships", and her youngest sister is married and is the moms golden child.  

Coming from a family that was and is still close, it was interesting to try and balance her split family life that was constantly filled with drama and triangulation.  Eventually, I was outcastes from the family, deleted and blocked on facebook by several family members.  It all started when I proposed to my ex fiancé... .her mom was upset I didn't ask her permission... .and that I only asked her dad.  Her dad and my ex had a close relationship (part of the reason she was a scapegoat) and I had only met her mom once or twice.

So basically after I proposed it all went down hill. Her family allied with the mom didn't support marriage.  Since the budget was all on my shoulders,  I was trying to save money and worked two jobs.  My ex fiancé started getting distant with me, picking fights trying to control me more.  I was stressing and burning out.  I quit one job.  Eventually it all came to a head after an argument due to my "instability" and she threw me out after five days of silent treatment.  I moved 60 miles north to my moms basement... .still working down in our city where all the jobs are.

That was three years ago.  Like I said, she got really distant back then, and I suspected something was up.  Sex stopped.  She had a new "friend" and was acting secretive.  She wouldn't reach out to me, unless I initiated contact.

Eventually, after a few months of no contact I tried to start talking with her again... .hoping she'd realize what she was losing.  We really did have a great friendship, I thought. I still held on hope that we could work it out.  I started driving 120 miles a day to work round trip... .hoping she'd let me come home.  But she always had an excuse to keep me away. She said she loved me and wanted to work things out.  So I started driving to her on the weekends as well.  I asked her if she would drive up to me sometimes, but she never wanted to... .or offered, only to retract and oblige me to drive down to her.  I was driving 1000 miles a week now. Sex was infrequent... .twice a year maybe? Initiated by me.  She said she now wants to wait until marriage. Okay.

The major city we lived in, the rent has gone up 50% in the last few years.  I didn't want to move down because I kept hoping we'd get married, and get back together. I didn't want to commit to an apartment only to in my hopeful mind, waste money once we lived together again.  So year after year, I drove 120-150 miles a day. 4-5 hours.  I'd get frustrated, ask for her to help... .or let me come home.  Again nothing.  We'd fight, break up... .she'd give me the silent treatment.  Months would go by, rinse repeat.  This happened about 4-5 times.   I've gained weight, my self esteem has plunged and Ive kept losing jobs... .getting new jobs, further away.

She told me I was unstable financially, and that she couldn't be with me until I've held a job for at least two years.  But there are no jobs up north.  The small town I live in... .and I tried to tell her that if I got a job up north, then I would be reverse commuting if I moved back down with her,  silence.  For three years, since the initial split There has been no presence of me on her social media, no pictures of me in her apartment.  But she "loves me more than anything and wants to marry me".  I haven't seen her family apart from a few nuetral family members for three years.  I haven't spent Christmas, thanksgiving, or a 4th of July with her in three years... .because I didn't want to drive, her family didn't invite me, and she has refused to see my family since Im not around hers.

Increasing frustrated.  After the latest period of silent treatment because of arguing over the distance... .I caved and we started talking again.  She told me she missed me everyday, loved me but again, accepted I was gone.  We started hanging out again... .I'd suggest her coming to me, again nope.  So I drove down to her, we went hiking... .doing the same hike she loves to do and we've done dozens of times.  She told me I was the only person that would go hiking with her. She also told me she had been dating other guys... .but they were just "friends" and she didn't like them because they just "wanted sex".  I asked her how man guys? She said two, one this year... .and one three years ago, she said " I told you about him, remember?" She never did... .she was gaslighting me, she did that a lot over the years.  Anyway, we lasted about a month as I couldn't get over the fact she was dating during our breaks... .plus, it was obvious my gut was right three years ago when she kicked me out to see this "friend" who "just wanted sex".  I dated no one, because I loved her.  She said it was my fault she started dating because I broke up with her.  I asked her how she met these guys, she said what I already knew... ."facebook". (Where I haven't existed for three years)

I told her I didn't trust her, and I'm not traveling for her anymore.  She won't touch me, there's no romance anymore.  I deserve better.  She told me she "loves me and will go wherever I go". She's been Silent now for three months.  Her birthday is coming up in a couple weeks.  Every year I make a big deal about it, taking her out of town to an expensive hotel.  Every year, she says I celebrate her birthdays because I want to go on these trips... .and they are not for her.  She doesn't even take me to dinner for my birthday... .or sabotages it.  one year, she lectured me basically telling me what an unstable loser I am. Great birthday that year.

So yeah, I guess I'm a glutton for punishment.  It sucks.  I love her but I absolutrly have to let go this time.  I can't be with her now it's verified she's been with others... .to what capacity I still don't know. I do have some self respect.  Last week I got a notified that one of her guy friends "loved" a picture I still had of her from her birthday trip last year.  I went through and deleted all the remaining pics I had of her.

[Huh?]

I just wanted to mention as a footnote, (because of my job switching)  that I work (or am stuck, rather) in an industry were attrition and turnover is a weekly event... .the automotive industry. IN my experience, It is underhanded, fraudulent, seedy, greed motivated, and daily drug use and cheating at work is the norm.  I am professional, educated, and was raised by a professional, ethical family.  That is why I don't fit it. Also, the only way to advance in pay and skills is to switch jobs. Once your good at what you do, they want to keep you doing the same thing over and over... .more money for them that way. It's an unstable industry.

While it can be very lucrative (six figures) I have expressed interest in switching careers to something that pays less and is more fulfilling.  It was a big point of contention with mt ex fiancé, as was the reason I was unstable in her mind.  I worked hard, made great money, but was ultimately unhappy... .once the commute started especially.

Everyday going to work was a struggle once the distance was created, and I knew I was going to fail... .apart of me believes she wanted me to... .to keep the status qou. Whatever that is/was.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Huh,  Greetings.  Do you have any particular questions?  I am uncertain of the issue you face.    What makes you think your former financee has BPD?  Fill us in, when you can.

LuckyJim

[Huh?]

Hey Huh,  Greetings.  Do you have any particular questions?  I am uncertain of the issue you face.    What makes you think your former financee has BPD?  Fill us in, when you can.

LuckyJim

I don't have questions. It was more of a vent session.  I believe she is more of a narcissist than a borderline.  Love bombing, devaluation, discard and then going at it again. All the while more than likely cheating and accusing me of cheating. Plus public rages.  She is the waif hermit type.  Gorgeous girl, obsessed with her looks.  Anyways, thanks for reading. Sorry for the length.