Tomorrow her and replacement make a year. Having a really tough time...

[Indifferent28]

I posted a while back saying i thought they broke up yet she still hadn't reached out to me.
If they even did, it must've been for a day or so. They've had a few times like that it seems during their relationship where they've broken up a day or so. Never for a long time.

Tomorrow they make a year.
It is so hard for me to say that. i cannot believe they've been together this long.

I had a family member pass away today, and the funeral is this weekend. Between that, and their anniversary, i feel so defeated.

I can't believe it.
How have they been together this long and she hasn't reached out to me.

I am defeated.

[swampgas95]

First of all, I'm sorry to hear about all of the stuff you're dealing with. It is definitely not easy having to recover from these wounds while dealing with so many other things going on at the same time.

Here's the thing. You mentioned that it seems like they have broken up several times over the last year. I was with my Bpdexgf for just under 4 years and we must have split up a hundred times, but she always knew how to pull me back in. In my case, I broke up with her because of the abuse, lying, and general misery. She always found a way to charm me back until she finally saw that she had drained what was left of me and discarded me in a heartbeat for my replacement that she had been triangulating for the entire 4 years. The bottom line is that after I was drained of everything she wanted from me, he became a better option as fresh meat. Also, the new "relationship" provided her with fresh attention from family/friends/social media enablers. Bpd's will always choose the path of least resistance.

Think about your experiences with her. I assume they were similar to mine. He is in hell right now. They aren't splitting up and getting back together because things are all peachy at home. I don't think they are "making it" to a year. I think she is dragging him through hell for a year and he is powerless to escape, just like the rest of us. It's like being electrocuted. The electricity pulls you in and won't let you go, even as it kills you.

All of that being said, I know exactly how you feel. It is a daily struggle for me not to look at her social media or reach out for some sort of validation. Here's the most important thing though, I have no idea if she's still with my replacement. Do I care? You're damn right I do. I'm not going to lie. But I know two things for sure. 1- Looking only sets me back and takes away from me focusing on my amazing life that I have, now that I've escaped her prison and 2- You're not getting an honest look at her situation anyway. Bpd's need positive affirmation from the world that hasn't seen behind their mask. There's no way that she is posting or exhibiting the whole story to the outside world. I'm sincerely convinced that my BPDex wouldn't even change her status or delete pictures even if they split. It would hit her pride too hard and disrupt the narrative she is trying to sell to me and the rest of the world. She'll only change the appearances once the next replacement has taken over. My mom is actually convinced that they aren't even together and the whole thing was a social media ruse just to hurt me and garner attention. (they were friends while we were together). I used to think that was crazy, but there is almost nothing I wouldn't believe at this point.

Bottom line: It hasn't been a year for their "relationship," it's been a year since you escaped that prison and became free to live a life free from the abuse and were given the opportunity to find a healthy relationship. The replacement just picked up where you left off. Soon, he'll be saying the same thing about the next replacement. Bpd relationships never really begin or end, they are just one continuous cycle with different individuals serving their purpose for the BPD until they are no longer needed. It's all about them and their selfish needs. I know it's easier said than done (believe me!), but you have to focus on this.

[Sadly]

Well said Swampy, couldn't agree more, just saved me a lot of typing.
So sorry for your loss Indie28, it's very hard to lose loved ones. Be grateful you are out of her toxicity though and if possible find pity for the poor guy who's drowning in it right now, and while your at it for the ones who don't even know what's going to hit them in the future, The Familiar Stranger's. Big hug for your unhappiness right now 
Love from Sadly X

[Indifferent28]

Swampgas95,

Thank you a lot for your reply. I liked getting your side of the story. The thing is, my case is a bit different than yours or many on here. She wasn't abusive to me when we were together at all. But she did use the "pity me" and "don't leave me" things on instances where i had gotten tired of her constant crying and sadness. Though I admit, i treated her very poorly and withheld emotions and became almost robotic towards her. It wasn't an abusive relationship, but it was toxic in the ways of how many emotions.

My exe's replacement is a girl, and i am a girl too. You're right on the social media front. They seem to take on a new personality via social media and their new "circle" and they switch it all depending on who they are going after. They never know the real person.

I'm glad you're having enough resistance to know looking at her page sets you back. As you said, there is a chance your ex did it for a social media front to tick you. They seem to enjoy knowing they've got that power.

My ex wasn't abusive or mean until AFTER we broke up then she became down right cold and like she never loved me.
I hurt her though, so even if she wasn't BPD, she may have split my personality either way.

Her and i also never went back and forth between break ups. We dated 5 years, and we never broke up until the end which was almost an almost over night break up with her dumping me via text and never looking back.

What would you do if she reached out to you today? If she wanted to have you back?

Sadly, thanks for your words as well. Thanks for your support.

And the thing of her and the replacement is, i've heard that her replacement is "crazy'. In fact, she herself told me that like before she began dating her even though she briefly knew her. I don't think my exes mom is a fan of the replacement either. Her mom hates me too though.

[Sadly]

Sorry Indie28, girl, guy, BPD hits wherever it hits, mind you, the replacement sounds like a bundle of fun doesn't she? Her mum hasn't had her eyes opened either has she? Having said all that I am really sorry for the emotional pain you are going through, it's the bit I struggle with daily too. Keep coming back here, it's a wonderful place and truly a family.   xx

[swampgas95]

Indie28,

Thank you for the clarification, I was making assumptions.

To answer your question as to what I would do if she came back or wanted me back, I'm not sure. The tough part of me wants to say that I would tell her to f*&# off and never look back. There's also the part of me that has always longed for the perceived validation I think I would receive from the gesture. However, one important step in my healing that I took with my T is realizing that I don't need her to validate me. My validation comes from so many other areas of my life. I'm good at my job in a really influential position; I now have custody of my 3 teenage kids and have begun providing them stability in their lives; I have mended relationships that were shattered by my time with my BPDex; and I have have become generally a better, more self aware person. That is the source of my validation. To expect any validation from her would be like expecting great financial advice from a homeless person. She doesn't have to capacity to validate or love herself, so she has nothing to offer me.

Fortunately, I know that my friends, family, and children would never let me be with her again. They were by my side through the worst couple of months of my life and I am thankful that they are there as a voice of reason. Now that I am over 5 months removed from the relationship, I can finally see the forest for the trees and get an idea of what they saw while I was with her. That is very helpful. In moments of weakness, I always try to see it from their eyes. They weren't clouded by the FOG and I have to trust that perspective.

I know that our situations are different and that no two BPD's look alike, but one thing is true of Every. Single. One! The recycle relationship NEVER works out. Ever. I've read a thousand pages on this site and others and I have never seen a single case of a recycle relationship working with a BPD. You don't get those kinds of odds in Vegas! You need to stop punishing yourself for your failures in the relationship and stop looking back. There is no chance of reconciliation for either of us. Ever. Too much has happened and we know what we know. We can't punish ourselves for the things we did under such severe duress. Whether the BPD manifests itself in anger, abuse, sadness, lying, cheating, accusations, hypocrisy, or any combination of these, we were all victims. The only way we remain victims is to allow ourselves to be. I've decided to be a survivor. I spent too much time and wasted too much of my life as a victim. I think you did too.

The mistakes you made in the relationship with her do not obligate you to a life of regret and self loathing. They are lessons that can help you become a better person as you continue to fall forward in life. You can't move forward until you let go. You deserve that. Even if you have a hard time believing it some days. Believe me, we all do.

[kc sunshine]

Indifferent-- I really feel for you! I'm counting the months my ex has been with her new girlfriend too... .wondering how they are doing, wondering if the sh*t has hit the fan yet, or if it really was just that our relationship was toxic for her. I want to get to a place where I can be happy for her happiness but I'm not there yet.

[Kelli Cornett]

I think it's better Karma to wish her well. I'm not sure why her not doing well would make you feel better.

Perhaps that's something you should look at within yourself.

[TheRiddler]

I think it's better Karma to wish her well. I'm not sure why her not doing well would make you feel better.

Perhaps that's something you should look at within yourself.

i don't think it's healthy to wish people well who have wronged you.

[Confused108]

I think it's better Karma to wish her well. I'm not sure why her not doing well would make you feel better.

Perhaps that's something you should look at within yourself.

i don't think it's healthy to wish people well who have wronged you.

I Totally agree! I certainly don't wish my ex well. Don't get me wrong I'm not here plotting her death or anything I just will sit here and laugh when Karma comes and bites her right in her ass.

[rfriesen]

i don't think it's healthy to wish people well who have wronged you.

The more time I spend digesting my own experience and reading through the experience of others, the clearer it becomes that categorical statements on these types of issues are largely meaningless in terms of truth value, but very meaningful as an expression of where you are in your own journey.

"I don't think it's healthy to wish people well who have wronged you" = "It wouldn't feel healthy to me now to wish well to a person who wronged me"

And that's a perfectly valid statement. Because sometimes we do try to wish someone well without being ready for it, simply because we feel we should do so or we want to convince ourselves we're over the wrong they did us, or we want to take the high road ... .even though we're not in a place to genuinely do it.

On the other hand, if what you mean is that it's always wrong or unhealthy to wish someone well who wronged us, then that's an overstatement. I genuinely wish my ex well, even though I think she wronged me. But I do still struggle with that sometimes. And I think it's important for me to acknowledge the ways I struggle with it, in order finally to reach the point where I can truly wish her well without carrying any of the pain, or at least carrying it more lightly. It's not for her sake -- I've always thought of myself as a caring person, who has a lot of love to give and wants to see others happy. That doesn't mean I would ever go back to my ex to try to make her happy. I stepped away because that's what was healthy for me (and, I think, for her too, ultimately). Her happiness is her responsibility. But wishing her well is something I identify with, and in all honesty I would like her to find stability and happiness in life.

It will take some more time before my negative feelings settle down and leave me in peace, but there is nothing inherently unhealthy about getting to that point and wishing my ex well in her own life. Why would it be healthier for me to do otherwise?

[bus boy]

 My condolences on the passing of your family member. I took the first year pretty rough. Xw and my replacement are, as far as I know chugging right along. I see the things he does and how he runs for her and I know that true r/s's are not like that. My replacement hates me, he doesn't even know me. That's not my problem. He and xw can hate away, I only have one concern and that's s10. I could care less about social media and what they are up to. On Tuesday I had a huge victory for my access and didn't even go to the custody hearing yet. The judge overturned a rolling.  That took lots of control away from xw, she was fit to be tied, wild. I didn't gloat, I thanked god, didn't have to gloat, she was a mess inside, lost some control so that was good for me. Xw is going out of her mind right now. What more could I ask for. Want to drive your BPD ex around the bend just say nothing, keep marching forward, if they insult you, thank them. Let them feel that they are nothing to you and you are growing better without them in your life.

[shatra]

swampas wrote
she had drained what was left of me and discarded me in a heartbeat for my replacement that she had been triangulating for the entire 4 years.

----When you say triangulating, do you mean seeing the other one behind your back the whole time? Whey was she doing that?

-----rfriesen, someone who says they "wish well" for someone who wronged them might be defended against the natural feelings of anger they feel. They might be covering up the pain

[Kelli Cornett]

I think it's better Karma to wish her well. I'm not sure why her not doing well would make you feel better.

Perhaps that's something you should look at within yourself.

i don't think it's healthy to wish people well who have wronged you.

I suppose you have some growing to do.

[Kelli Cornett]

Loving or hating someone gives them power. To not feel either which way towards someone is freedom and above it all. Indifference.

That is why I chose it.

[rfriesen]

swampas wrote
-----rfriesen, someone who says they "wish well" for someone who wronged them might be defended against the natural feelings of anger they feel. They might be covering up the pain

Yes, absolutely. That's why it's not a question of simply trying to wish that person well. We have to reflect honestly on our emotions and what's behind them and that can be hard work and can take time. It can be helpful to set some time aside each day, and to make a real effort to be honest with ourselves.

That said, somebody who holds onto hostile feelings towards a person who wronged them is undoubtedly holding onto pain. It's not hidden pain, which is a plus. But even better is to work through that pain in order to truly let it go. Once we have let go of our own pain, it becomes easier to spot how another person is holding onto theirs and to feel compassion for them, even if they've wronged us in the past.