Her daughter contacted me

[kc sunshine]

I've been pretty good for the past couple of weeks... .not checking my ex's facebook, trying to limit my intrusive thoughts about her, etc. Yesterday her daughter contacted me to see if we could see each other. I was happy to hear from her and want to maintain the connection to her. It has set me back a bit though. I feel nervous and unsettled and unhappy and tempted again to go down the rabbit hole (which in my case means checking my ex's facebook.) Such a strange combo of symptoms. I used to think this feeling was love-- but I suppose it is what they talk about when they talk about being triggered.

 

[kc sunshine]

Also, have any of you been able to keep a relationship with your ex's kids?

[Turkish]

This may be a little similar,  but my ex used to say that if we weren't together ( ), she wished that I'd still keep up my relationships with her younger brothers and her parents,  because "my family really loves you."

It may be triggering to once again enter the constellation where your ex resides, but you have a right to have whatever r/s  you want to have with her daughter, as two adults.  If you choose to engage,  I don't think it's wrong to establish boundaries, and you can probably find a way to do so without engaging in a form of parental alienation.  That is,  if you choose to do so.  There's nothing wrong with a friendly and compassionate detachment either. 

[kc sunshine]

Thanks so much for responding Turkish. What do you mean by parental alienation?

[Sadly]

So sad for everyone not just the two main characters isn't it. I would imagine parental alienation is not discussing in a judgemental way her father, not setting one against the other possibly. Mine seemed to work the other way. I didn't see his mum too often as she is hundreds of miles away and in a nursing home with Parkinson's but we loved each other. She would say things like, I love you H... ., thank you for loving my boy and " you make a welcome addition to our family". He used to hate it and whenever we broke up always used to tell her horrible things about me, that hurt me so much but whenever I saw her afterwards she was still just as loving to me. I cry knowing I will never see her again. Sorry, just got a bit side tracked.   x

[drained1996]

KC,

I have some experience with my ex's children, who are teens now.  If they were to reach out to me I would be there for them, yet I would have strict boundaries.  Since she reached out to you I see no harm as long as you stick to whatever boundaries make you comfortable and safe. 

[kc sunshine]

I'm so glad she (my ex's daughter) reached out and also that it sounds like she is doing well. She had a hard year last year (suicidality, cutting, difficult relationships) and it sounds like she's in a more stable place. Fingers crossed.

Here's hoping I can remain centered-- I'd so like to be there for her.

My reactions make me think I've still got a long way to go on the detachment front... .I still miss my ex.

[Fie]

Hello kcsunshine  


How good of you that you are recognizing and realizing all of this ! Well done.

Do you think you could be helped by meeting her in circumstances that are completely new to the both of you ? Like a new setting, where you both can build new memories that have nothing to do with the situation you were once in with her mother ?
Or doing some new activity that you never did together (a sport, going for walks, ... .) ?

This way it could be more comfortable for you, and you might not be triggered so easily ?
After all, she is not her mum ... .And the more people in our lives that we love, the better. So if you can work out a solution where you can keep her in her life without feeling bad because of it, it might actually be beautiful for the both of you... .?

[Sadly]

Hi KC
That does sound like a good idea of Fie's, how lovely for you both. Let us know how it goes. x

[kc sunshine]

I met up with her and her friends from school (they were on a field trip to my city) tonight and it was wonderful to see her. She's doing much much better and was warm and friendly and the relationship felt solid and intact.

It is tempting to contact my ex and tell her how great her daughter seems but that's not a good idea at all, right? It did make me miss my ex even more.

[Fie]

Kc sunshine,

If you ask me, that's not a good idea at all no.
Her daughter is her daughter. If you love her, you love her for who SHE is.
It's kind of normal that you get triggered. But they are two different persons. There is only room for her in a 'normal' new life for you, if you can accept that and act accordingly.

Let us know how you go, if you want !

[kc sunshine]

Hi all,

I didn't contact her but she did call me and left me a message, thanking me for seeing her daughter and also telling me that she is thinking about me and my mom (who is dying). I didn't reply or respond and she texted a few days later saying the same thing, and also saying that she'd like to see my mom before she died (they were close).

I texted back warmly but briefly-- she wants to come visit her in the next few weeks. Any thoughts?

I was happy to get her text and call, but it has gotten me thinking about her a lot (e.g. how should I reply etc). My end goal is detachment and "release with grace."

In other news, I had my first "friends and family" DBT group meeting yesterday!

[Fie]

Hi  

So sorry your mum is dying :-(  I hope you are coping.
On top of that your ex contacted you ... .I can imagine life is a bit of a struggle for now    
Good on you that you responded only briefly to her text.

She may or may not want to see your mum in order to get back in touch with you.

Personally I don't think it's a good idea to meet up with your ex. Where does your mum live ?