Dealing with my mother's legacy

[Grandmotherbear]

Dealing with my mother's legacy after her death- I am still getting disturbed by too much dealing with the after effects of dealing with her death. I get to the point I don't open mail from her lawyer for days and I keep just not dealing with stuff and getting it over with. I have lost 20 lbs in the last 6 months, from 210 to 190,-without trying- roughly approximating the time she's been gone, and my blood pressure is better, BUT I suddenly realized that the chronic pain I have been dealing with for the past 25 years = which drove me to retire early in 2014- is her legacy also. She NEEDED me to be in pain.  Somehow, this made HER life better. I internalized that very strongly= in fact, I internalized that her life would be better if I died. Thank God  I had enough of a drive to live I never completed any of the suicide attempts (but how do you get a child under the age of 10 praying to God to die, which I finally stopped when I was in high school, years after she left our house, when I realized that prayer would eventually be answered whether I would or not?) What would a childhood play therapist say about my childhood games with my farm animal figures, where the girl foal's mother was constantly planning to murder her? and her father was unable to protect her? I'm not going to go thru the whole litany of her actions against me, and the stupidity of my getting back in touch with in college and letting her convince me the past never happened. I just want to deal with the physical pain.

I was out of work with an extremely painful back injury in 1994-"failed" cortisone epidurals (due to an inherited malformation of my sacrum- so GLAD I had natural birth at home!) and finally was able to return to work on a cocktail of meds (Doans Pills, Magnesium Salicylate, 25 mg amitriptylene and as needed opiates at bedtime) Never used opiates during the work days despite the powers that be telling me I had to do "whatever I needed to do" be able to handle the excessive workloads they threw at me)

I have been receiving hour long therapeutic massage for a little over 9 months now, once a week, and 3 months after that started going to a chiropractor, receiving non invasive laser therapy, orthotics to correct stance, and spinal adjustments. Although mostly my doctors have been people I have worked with in the past, who knew me and had no problem working with me on my pain issues, my Medicare docs have told me bluntly they don't do pain control and I would have to go to an interventional pain clinic (to repeat all the failed interventions from 1994-since I was the sole support of our family then, I tried EVERYTHING short of surgery! and nothing worked)I found a doc who would treat me privately and we have really done well over the last year. The spinal pain from L4 is well controlled with a Lidoderm patch, the decades of nonsteroidal use have wound up with occult blood loss leading to severe anemia (which I misinterpreted for years as weakness caused by pain or respiratory disease) and I've had a taper off opiates as the nature of the pain changed to intensive pelvic and thigh cramps only relieved by the heat of microwaved towels.

I was on another board about 2 years back  recounting the difficulties encountered with people who absolutely refused to try to understand just how negative a mother could be- totally dismissing mine and my daughters suicide attempts this egg donor drove us to- when someone referred me to this board. Just reading other peoples struggles and successes has been very helpful. But I haven't been back until now.

I realized about 6 weeks ago the nature of this pain and how it depended from my mother's need for me to be in pain for HER benefit- Oh, I could even tell you her actual statements thru my childhood if you disbelieved me- and at the time I told this other board maybe I needed to come here and share about what I went thru (almost totally drove a wedge between dh and me as he felt her actions were coming from me and not form her) but then I was reading a book last night- Ship of Magic by Robin Hobbes, the first of the Liveship Trilogy, and the character of the father against the son brought back my egg donor all over again. The father is BPD and targets his son as the cause of all his problems. I was crying last night as the emotional pain came back to me.

Just the realization that she had bequeathed me this legacy of pain seems to have had an improving effect on the cramps. I know I can work thru this- I finally left my ex after 10 years, 9 years and 9 months after the first time he told me we should divorce- because I realized that God would not intend that any husband should treat his wife as my ex treated me. (To be fair, the Catholic priests, Methodist clergy and Latter Day Saints bishops I consulted were the ones who introduced that concept to me ) I finally allowed myself to love and marry my husband of 35 years when I realized I was worthy to be loved. And I will win against this egg donor this time too- I do NOT have to live in pain that ruins my life. She is no longer alive to benefit from My pain or MY death. I can let go and accept the love of the other people who have mothered me in her absence and TOTALLY fill the space left by her absence. I no longer hold a tiny space for the hope she will change. No matter how many times I tried to do that while she lived, there was always months or years later the boot to the head- that I had hidden an empty space for her to fill once she changed and no longer needed to hate me. It's over. She's dead. Time to move on.

Thanks for letting me unburden myself to you.

[Naughty Nibbler]

Welcome Grandmotherbear:

I'm so sorry about the problems with your mom and you health problems.  That is a lot to deal with.

I like your alias.  Do you have grandchildren?

I finally allowed myself to love and marry my husband of 35 years when I realized I was worthy to be loved. . . . I can let go and accept the love of the other people who have mothered me in her absence and TOTALLY fill the space left by her absence.

It is good to focus on those in your life who can be supportive.  I'm glad you decided you are worthy of love.  Who has helped mother you through the years?


RADICAL ACCEPTANCE  is something that might be helpful to read. There are several links to the right of this post that you might find helpful.

These next 2 links can be helpful as well:

Acceptance - the final stage of grieving
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=72841.0

Forgiveness:
www.drwendywalsh.com/blog/2015/08/the-art-of-forgiveness/

[Grandmotherbear]

+Thank you Naughty Nibbler. Yes, I have grands. My name came from my father always comparing women who were fiercely defensive of their children- of which he approved- that there is nothing as ferocious as a mother bear in defense of her cubs. Now I am older, I have updated that to "nothing as ferocious as a grandmotherbear in defense of her grandcubs". I confess to not have protected my children fromm y mother as much as I should have, being totally seduced by her insistence the past had never happened or my father had done the things I remembered her doing. I did a much better job protecting my grandchildren from her. I never went NC after the 7 years NC after she tried to drive my daughter to suicide on Christmas Eve when DD when 11. She never tried that again but by age 11 there had already been damage done- that wasn't the first instance.

I was mothered by many and I am horrified that I can't remember the second babysitter I went to  while egg donor went back to work at the Pentagon. She arranged babysitters in 1st and 3rdgrades who were absolutely cruel and horrid just like herself, but my second grade babysitter was warm and maternal. She baked her own bread every day just as I arrived home from school, (I meant there from school- Freudian slip) It ws wonderful to be given a snack of a freshly baked heel of bread with butter and honey and left to eat in peace without nagging and probing. She had a toddler son I was allowed to play with (the first grader never corrected her children, older than me, during their bullying, the third grade sitter had a toddler she constantly told me to "leave alone" when I tried to play with her) She allowed me toplay in herfenced  yard without a constant litany of "bad men will kidnap you and rape you if you go outside alone". She brought me every weekend, when she went to the library, a new chapter book (starting with Little House on the Prairie and Jungle Book) to read after school and didn't constantly interrupt me like my mother did, who never had things for me to do unless I was reading. It was why I became such a bookworm- to escape my mother into the worlds brought me by books.

Egg donor sent me to a day camp (I asked for sleep away camp which she denied) They fed us breakfast, lunch and a snack. The summers I was 9, 10, and 11 I had a wonderful camp counselor who was probably only 18 or 19 years old that first summer- married to a soldier. A warm, wonderful, welcoming young woman. part of her in-kind pay at the summer camp was an apartment in the top attic of the 3 story "castle" . After regular camp  hours, when we were waiting for the assigned van drivers to gather us to drive us back home, I would sonetimes go into the basement or the second floor school library and call up the airshaft to her- don't know if it was intentional but you could hear  a regular voice anywhere near the shaft on any floor, and she would let me come up to her apartment to visit and hang out. There was a young man working there- years later I figured out he was probably a psychiatric social worker- who was also close and supportive to me. The year after my father withdrew me from that camp and put me in a different day camp he called me and asked me for a date (I was 12) I told him I was going steady (I wasn't) All my mother's warnings had poisoned me and my relations with boys. Probably you would understand my 10 year relationship with my ex if I told you he looked like pictures of my father with me when I was a year old- and acted just like my mother.

Egg donor left home shortly after my 11th year and my older brother and I were happy to be in the custody of our father. When I was a sophomore in high school my science teacher would probably have denied she was a "maternal" figure- she was rather brisk and no nonsense- but she enjoyed teaching students who wanted to learn and enjoyed our off-science-topic discussions I would sometimes have with her as she gathered up her stuff to leave after the end of our school day. She had no vested interest in putting me down, making me ashamed, making me feel wrong like I was trying to be masculine instead of feminine by making good grades. I was able to feel valued for who and what I was when we spent those stolen moments together.

In college, first semester freshman year, my American Literature teacher, in a wheelchair, had a PhD, a husband, 3 children, an interesting career, and I daresay enjoyed me in her class - meant for Juniors and Seniors. I could see that wanting to be well educated and have an interesting career as well as a home and children didn't mean I was a  mannish slut who would always be wrong. (My father was trying very hard to steer meinto a "feminine" occupation like being a typist)

Thanks for giving me an opportunity to honor my many "mothers of the heart", and thank you for the links. I shall use them.

[Kwamina]

Hi Grandmotherbear,

I would like to join Naughty Nibbler in welcoming you here

It becomes clear from your post that you've struggled greatly with your mother's behavior when she was still alive and how she affected you. It really isn't easy for a child dealing with a BPD parent. I have an uBPD mother myself and know how tremendously challenging it can be.

I am very sorry you have had those health issues on top of your mother's difficult behavior. You had and have a lot on your plate.

I gather from your post that your mother passed away about 6 moths ago. Since then you have found yourself coming to certain realizations about your mother and the impact she has had on your life. Naughty Nibbler has pointed you to some excellent resources that can be greatly helpful as you try to come to terms with everything you've been through and attempt to heal yourself and move forward. To help you on your healing path, I also encourage you to take a look at the Survivors' Guide for adults who suffered childhood abuse. You can find it in the right-hand side margin of this board. The guide takes us from survivor to thriver, through 3 major stages: 1. Remembering --> 2. Mourning --> 3. Healing. Each stage consists of 7 steps. The healing process outlined in this guide isn't necessarily lineair, in fact more times than not members will find themselves working on multiple steps at once and revisiting steps they had already worked on before. When you consider the Survivors' Guide, where do you feel you are now? What are the steps/areas there that you find particularly relevant to your current situation?

Take care

Kwamina

[Grandmotherbear]

My masseur has worked very hard with me on the severe cramps in my hips and thighs- and I realized suddenly that when a GYN mentioned the after effects of sexual abuse was pelvic pain, that all my cramping muscles are part of the pelvic sling.
Yes, I was sexually abused by my mother's eldest brother. My brother told me that during a visit, when I shared with him that my therapist insisted that I had to have been  sexually abused- I had all the hallmark and classic symptoms- but to my knowledge had never been abused. My brother was amazed that I didn't remember it because we were visiting my mother's parents and my mother walked into a room and found her eldest brother abusing me sexually. And she had a FIT!

I can understand why I didn't remember it- I was perhaps younger than 18 months old, and remembering my mother's rants, I am quite sure she terrified me. I'm also pretty sure that she informed me it was all my own fault he'de abused me. It was certainly her attitude later on.

I've been using heat packs in the pelvic sling area, and my pain control doctor has given me a script for muscle relaxants, if the pain goes on too long or is too severe. Hot sitz baths would be  possibility also if only I didn't get bladder infections whenever I sit in a bath tub. 

If people have been having severe cramps in the lower abdomen/pelvic sling/rectal/upper thighs and groins, it just may be there is a history of sexual abuse that isn't being dealt with.

[Kwamina]

Hi again Grandmotherbear

Yes, I was sexually abused by my mother's eldest brother. My brother told me that during a visit, when I shared with him that my therapist insisted that I had to have been  sexually abused- I had all the hallmark and classic symptoms- but to my knowledge had never been abused. My brother was amazed that I didn't remember it because we were visiting my mother's parents and my mother walked into a room and found her eldest brother abusing me sexually. And she had a FIT!

It is horrible that this happened to you. You were still very young and it does indeed make sense that you didn't cognitively remember it, yet the body also has other ways of remembering. You exhibited certain signs that pointed in the direction of sexual abuse. Sexual abuse can be damaging to a child in many ways. Your brother told you about the abuse, how long ago was that? Your mother's eldest brother was the abuser, did your family still have contact with him after all of this happened as you were growing up?

Your brother told you that she had a fit when she saw what her own brother was doing to you. Did your brother also tell you what happened after that, how did your family handle this situation?

I am glad you feel safe enough here to discuss what happened to you. Sexual abuse is a very difficult subject and unfortunately something several of our other members have also experienced.

Kwamina