Parental Role

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I'm curious what everyone's experience has been with the parents/childhood of the person they believe has BPD issues. Complete abandonment, adoption, general abuse etc.

My experience is she was adopted, left the house at 16 or 17 due to not getting along with the mother, and her closeness with father seems genuine. However there are some things within that relationship that seem glaringly dysfunctional.

[oceanyc]

I'm curious what everyone's experience has been with the parents/childhood of the person they believe has BPD issues. Complete abandonment, adoption, general abuse etc.

My experience is she was adopted, left the house at 16 or 17 due to not getting along with the mother, and her closeness with father seems genuine. However there are some things within that relationship that seem glaringly dysfunctional.

[WishIKnew82]

My ex felt unloved by his mother and he felt that his father was always annoyed with him and practicly ignored him all the time. He felt his siblings were treated much better and that he was always the black sheep of the family. I believed him back then but now. After all I've seen of him I think his parents just got really tired with him since he was a difficult child and kept their distance as to not invoke his wrath. The closer you get to him, the more control he has and the more he can blame you if something goes wrong. He would also brag about keeping his mouth shut for a whole two months when he was a teenager after he was wronged by his sister or mother. Silent Treatment is what I would call it now. Back then I thought he was just hurt.

He is also very sensitive so when he was little his mother didn't treasure him as she was supposed to, this all according to him. When I would ask if his siblings were treated better he would one day claim they weren't aware as kids so that is why they don't know their childhood sucked or that they were just loved more by his parents. It depended on which day you would ask him.

[stimpy]

Dysfunctional at best. Played truent from school when 12 and 13, said that she hated her mother, who she now punishes by withholding / silence / being uncooperative, while also managing a year ago to get control of her mother's financial assets. Quite a combination. Now I look back and I'm much further out of the FOG (fear/obligation/guilt) I can see her emotions and behaviour towards her mother as being controlling and punishing and hating all at the same time. I now feel sorry for her mother.

While researching BPD and the like, I read of a psychological behaviour trait called "transference". With this, if an individual carries hatred for one or both of their parents into adulthood, then that hatred can get transferred onto their significant other. This happens on a subconscious level so neither party actually know why this emotion is coming through. I don't know if it's true or not, but it makes for interesting reading and maybe explains some of my exes behaviour - the sudden switching from saying she thought she loved me, and was the happiest she'd been in her whole life, to 5 days later dumping me and going to no contact.

Although the no contact was followed by a year of stalking.

Now she has disappeared.

[Pretty Woman]

Well after finding out all the untruths she spread about me, I am not sure what is really true. I think a lot of what she said was to secure me as her "White Knight" her rescuer so I am not sure of the validity.

She said her father was a womanizing alcoholic who shoved her into a wall causing "frontal lobe damage" (which I suspect is actually her emotional illness). Her mother was very protective of her yet cold to her grandchildren. Not the typical Grandma. Always suspicious of other people's motives... .kinda a recluse.

Throughout the relationship I learned more about her family. She has three sisters. One is very close to the father. The other is NOT because the father took sides with the sister over a family issue involving her son possibly having inappropriate relationships with his cousins (the other sister's young daughter).  My ex only speaks to the sister not speaking with the father.

I work with the sister my ex is good with. I did not meet my ex through her or through work. At one point I was friends with the sister and she told me the "incest" story within a week of meeting.

In retrospect I see how warped the family dynamic is. Who tells someone something that personal not knowing them? Someone who plays the victim and that's their script, that's who.

My ex behaved so childishly I mothered her. It was not a romantic relationship. It was me taking care of her needs. BPD's tend to be attracted to the parent that affected them the most. You are that relationship replacement. It is not healthy and certainly not romantic when you consider their emotional maturity is that of a three year old.

[Kelli Cornett]

I believe most BPD's are the scapegoats of their dysfunctional families which is why they are so damaged.

Also ADOPTION is a huge part.

[enlighten me]

Both my uBPD exs were raised by their mums. I dont think they suffered any early trauma. My ex wife complained about her brother being treated better but after talking to her mum it turns out she was always a difficult child even as a baby. Later her lying and stealing landed her in a lot of trouble at home. Her brother wasnt told off as much as her but then he didnt do half the things she did.

Never met the exgf dad but the ex wifes had some mental health issues. He was also a womaniser that cheated. My ex MIL says his behaviour is identical to her daughters and thinks he may be BPD. She had nothing to do with him growing up so he had no influence on her.

One thing that dawned on me which creeped me out was how much I had taken on the role of my ex wifes father.

[oceanyc]

Also ADOPTION is a huge part.

Is it? Now that I'm out of contact with her it seems like there's definitely a childhood issue involved. Adopted, only child, moved out early due to adoptive mom, father won't commit to his current g/f of a decade, a comment made by the father that I can't imagine anyone making to a daughter. He seems oblivious to her penchant for many short relationships, supports whatever relationship she's in with facebook likes, hearts etc regardless of how she is treated, approved a marriage proposal from someone she said herself she knew couldn't commit to... .

[Kelli Cornett]

Also ADOPTION is a huge part.

Is it? Now that I'm out of contact with her it seems like there's definitely a childhood issue involved. Adopted, only child, moved out early due to adoptive mom, father won't commit to his current g/f of a decade, a comment made by the father that I can't imagine anyone making to a daughter. He seems oblivious to her penchant for many short relationships, supports whatever relationship she's in with facebook likes, hearts etc regardless of how she is treated, approved a marriage proposal from someone she said herself she knew couldn't commit to... .

There is a book called " The Primal Wound " explains a lot about adoption. It links with BPD forsure.

[CitizenBell]

Mine loved her parents, they loved her but it just seemed... .off. Course, I never met them.

I just think she wasn't given any attention as a child and her mother suffered from depression. Dad used to work away as a truck driver so was away from home quite a lot and a military guy before that so quite stand-offish I think.

My ex was never taught how to ride a bike, said something like her Mum wouldn't be interested in that sort of thing and her Dad never had time. She'd say that I understood her better than her parents, she never told them about her first boyfriend, never told them me and her were in a sexual relationship because her mum is strict Greek Orthodox. Won't eat garlic because her Mum didn't like the smell of it on her. We'd been together two month before I took her away and neither of them expressed an interest in meeting me before we did and I thought "That's your only daughter, don't you want to vet me first?"

No abuse as far as I can tell, just a lack of nurturing and bonding maybe... .just a weird sort of dynamic.

[enlighten me]

So heres a question.

Is dysfunctional parenting the cause of BPD or is it a sign of a genetic link being passed from the parent to the child?