How can one ever trust again?

[Laurielynn]

  all... Been having a rough couple of days... My BPD hoarding mother... has been triangulating my sister and I again. This brings up wounds my last ex BPD BF did... on and off the entire " pretend relationship". I dunno how I can ever trust again enuff to have real intimacy in a healthy relationship. I don't if I even have the "umph" to want to go there again... scares the ___ of me...

I'm so scared... this last one was diffrent in the beginning... to turn out so destructive and cruel in the end ... He ended up being a serial cheater...
How do folks like us ever recover from such betrayals?  
Aldactone

[fromheeltoheal]

Hi Laurielynn-

How do folks like us ever recover from such betrayals?

By first grieving the relationship, processing the emotions, and detaching, and then, once we're free, looking at our values and our beliefs and getting completely clear about what they are, who we are, and how we want to live our lives, and then building and enforcing boundaries to protect ourselves.  And also, now that we've been to borderline school, we have much more awareness and are able to spot unacceptable traits in people more quickly yes?  So with values, beliefs, and boundaries, we can choose who we let into our lives and who we let go of, on the way to building the life of our dreams.

Scared is good really, an opportunity to be highly vigilant as you build that life, since you've felt, we've all felt, what it feels like when we're not.  How is your detachment going?  Do you know which stage you're on?

[Buffie]

Hi LL,
Sorry this is happening... .lot's of dynamics going on here.  The first step is stopping the emotional bleeding, doing things that make the situation worse.  You have to take care of yourself and your basic needs, and spend time with healthy people that will allow for healthy emotional reciprocity, not continue to drain you.  If you're scared of something that's tangible, then that's good because you can steer clear of it.  A fear of something that's not there is not healthy.  Not sure if you're read a book by Gavin DeBecker, the Gift of Fear, but he lays things out pretty well.  Stay close to the boards, and post often.  You'll get good advice here and a caring community that knows what you're going through.

Buff

[JerryRG]

Hello Laurielynn

I can relate to the BPD/npd mother triangulation behaviours from your mother. My mother participated in the triangulation and silent treatment and blame, scapegoating me behaviours as well.

This is very difficult to deal with because we as children normally assume our parents will protect us, not attack us at our very core and betray our trust in them and most importantly our trust in ourselves. There is no worse abuse than to rob a child their belief in themselves, their safety and disruption of the normal development.

I am so sorry you have to deal with this, there is help, hope and healing if you don't give up.

Keep asking questions, vent, be YOU! Be honest with yourself and don't accept any blame for being brought up with disordered people. That's them, not you.

The fact you are here asking for help proves you are a good person and want what's right.

Life is never easy, saddled with the twisted mind games put upon you from ill people only makes things more difficult. Time to set yourself free?

You can be anything you choose!

I choose to be well, it takes hard work.

You can be well too.

Keep moving forward

[Mutt]

Hi Laurielynn,

You have good advice so far. I just wanted to add my two cents.

I don't if I even have the "umph" to want to go there again... scares the please read of me...

This is a good indicator that maybe you're not ready to date? You may feel differently in the future and not everyone is going to treat you badly.

[joeramabeme]

How do folks like us ever recover from such betrayals? 

Hi LL

Great question and there have been so many great responses.  I like the way you framed the question as a betrayal.  The extension of this question to me is, how do I trust myself again? 

HeeltoHeal gave a lot of great ideas on how this process is undertaken.  Most importantly is to set boundaries.  Boundaries reflect our values; what we believe, what we want, who we are and who we want to associate with. Once those boundaries are firm, it is much more difficult to become enmeshed with an individual that can and will walk all over them. 

Having defined boundaries ensures that we won't betray our own selves again. 

Here is a link to a great article on boundaries, totally worth a read or skim through if you aren't inclined to read all the way: Setting Boundaries and Limits