Was it ever Real?

[Our abuse recovery guide]

I'm 54 and only just gained enough insight over the last four months to question if my BPD mother (hermit -Waif) entrapped my now deceased father.  I just found out my grandfather had another whole family on the side (my Mom was the oldest) and most likely a BPD (Queen)mother as well.  My Dad was engaged to another women when they met, and soon after a shotgun wedding I arrived.  Three more kids followed and we all coped with the BPD chaos by either running or staying close and enmeshing with our Mom.  I ran but came back to have my kids spend time with my Dad.  A great guy and father but stuck with a crazy wife. 

Out of Fear , Obligation, & Guilt I helped close my Dad's estate, complete tax returns, due repairs, etc for five years since his death but after a series of attacks toward my wife and me, I reached out and have a limited understanding of BPD.  I now question just about every part of growing up wondering if she ever loved us or it was all a game in her head to conquer and manipulate. 

I have gone no-contact with my Mother for 4 months now and experienced one sibling pull back but I just can't get past the thought that I've been in a life long con game and never new it!  Just starting the journey to healing and thank the Lord that I have a great wife of 30+ years to help.  I think her Dad had NPD so we're able to offer each other insights and compare crazy notes. Feel blessed to have support but a lot of shock and anger.  So tired of dysfunctional people hurting their own family.  You reap what is sowed! Right now I'd spit on my grandfathers grave.

[In the Dark]

I'm 54 and only just gained enough insight over the last four months to question if my BPD mother (hermit -Waif) entrapped my now deceased father.  I just found out my grandfather had another whole family on the side (my Mom was the oldest) and most likely a BPD (Queen)mother as well.  My Dad was engaged to another women when they met, and soon after a shotgun wedding I arrived.  Three more kids followed and we all coped with the BPD chaos by either running or staying close and enmeshing with our Mom.  I ran but came back to have my kids spend time with my Dad.  A great guy and father but stuck with a crazy wife. 

Out of Fear , Obligation, & Guilt I helped close my Dad's estate, complete tax returns, due repairs, etc for five years since his death but after a series of attacks toward my wife and me, I reached out and have a limited understanding of BPD.  I now question just about every part of growing up wondering if she ever loved us or it was all a game in her head to conquer and manipulate. 

I have gone no-contact with my Mother for 4 months now and experienced one sibling pull back but I just can't get past the thought that I've been in a life long con game and never new it!  Just starting the journey to healing and thank the Lord that I have a great wife of 30+ years to help.  I think her Dad had NPD so we're able to offer each other insights and compare crazy notes. Feel blessed to have support but a lot of shock and anger.  So tired of dysfunctional people hurting their own family.  You reap what is sowed! Right now I'd spit on my grandfathers grave.

[Turkish]

Hello In the Dark,



It sounds like you have some perspective,  and it's good that you and your wife have each other for mutual support. It's sad that your mother acted that way when you were bring dutiful and honoring by supporting her and taking care of things after your dad's passing. What kind of attacks happened that you felt you had to go NC?

The question of "did they ever love us?" is a common one, not just on this board. To say they loved us "in their way" or "they did the best that they could" (I heard the latter from my mom). Maybe these things are true,  but they don't excuse the behaviors. 

We recently reviewed a book by an author who asked these same questions about her mother.  Maybe it will help you to see someone else unpack her childhood while struggling with similar questions:

Missing: Coming to Terms with a Borderline Mother ~ Kathy Ewing M.A.

What about your grandfather?  What have you learned?  I feel similarly. Given my sci-fi imagination, it's to build a time machine and travel back to the late 1940s to have a little chat with my mother's father,  Wolf to man. 

[Notwendy]

Hi In the Dark,

I've had similar thoughts about my parents, especially since the death of my father several years ago. My BPD mother has been difficult, but her behaviors escalated during my father's illness and death. Makes sense if we consider that this is stressful for even the most composed people.

I had long resolved my question of did my mother love me, but the harder one was did my father? I believe he did, but over time, my mother required most of his focus- to the point where other relationships were possibly too much effort. His approach to my mother was compliance with her demands. When he was ill, she painted me black to him. I didn't handle any of his estate ( although I would have if he had allowed me to) and basically was disowned by the time he died. The big question is whose idea was this- hers or his?

I too have felt that decades of a relationship with my parents was just one big lie. The illusion of family or just so dysfunctional that this was family to them? The shock to me was that it didn't involve just my mother. After my father died, relatives on her side cut contact with me, so my questions extended to "did my aunts and uncles love me?" and if they did, how could they just drop the relationship like that, but my mother's FOO is like a pack and they followed my mother's lead.

Like you, I suspect my father had no idea what he was getting into. My mother was beautiful, and could charm a rock. I've not seen anything like it, except for in movies,  but my mother could bat her eyelashes at a guy and he'd do anything for her- not just my father, but even non romantic relationships- uncles, family friends- whatever mom wanted, they would do for her, and if she felt attacked, they would run to her rescue. Our relationship was oil and water from the get go.

My question to "did my mother love me" is that, I think she was too mentally sick to love anyone. When I see my parents' honeymoon pictures, I see my young father in love and my glamorous mother - but her eyes have this blank look to them that is so recognizable- maybe I am reading into the picture and seeing her as I see her. He may have had no idea at the time what he was getting into, but my father loved this exquisite and mentally ill woman for the rest of his life.

I too thought my father was a great guy, trapped by this woman, but I also have had to come to terms with the fact that he chose her, and chose to comply with her wishes. I have a picture of him holding me as a newborn with that love and fascination a father has for his child. It is easy to say my mother didn't love me, but the paradox with my father is that he loved me but subjected me to her abuse growing up, and at the end of his life dismissed me. Like you, I wondered if my decades as his daughter were just one big lie.

It is a lot to process, as well as to realize that our fathers may have gotten themselves into a difficult situation, but they were part of it too. They did love us, maybe our mothers did too, but the dysfunction and drama created a confusing picture for us. One of our issues is to not think of this in black and white- either they loved us or they did not, but that they did love each other and us in the only way they knew how. I know that my father did the best he could with a difficult situation, and sometimes a no win one. I think his decisions with me were strategic. If she placed him in a position to choose, he knew that I would be able to stand on my own two feet.

As to NC with your mother. I think you are wise to protect your family, and to do whatever that takes. With her attacking your wife, you are very wise to protect your marriage. My situation is a bit different being that I am female- and the same gender person can be seen as a rival- so possibly your mother perceives your wife as competition for you. My mother sees men as potential helpers/providers, and she is on her best behavior with my H. Yet, I have to have boundaries with her or the relationship stresses me.

It's a journey that we come to terms with over time. We have questions that maybe, we can't really answer. Mostly though, we can grow emotionally and know, for certain, that we are worthy of being loved, that our parents did what they could with what they knew to do, and that we can do all we can to have emotionally healthy and happy relationships. Whatever personal work we do towards that goal is beneficial.

[In the Dark]

Hi Notwendy,  Thanks for your reply!
Wow, what a parallel life.  So many of our experiences are similar.  The story my Dad used tell depicted him spotting my Mom (also very pretty) in a large public swimming pool , diving under the water swimming the whole length of the pool to surface right in front of her and introduce himself.  Don't think he knew it was a shark tank though!

Maybe since his father had likely committed suicide at age 40 in the middle of the depression after loosing everything and was raised by a huge Irish Catholic female extended family, he somehow found the love he needed to be able to pass it back to his kids.  He was also able to "rein in" my mom a bit but sacrificed my two younger sisters to take the two boys camping pretty much all the time to escape her in the Summer.  My Mom would hide "witch mode" from him but direct almost all of her wrath on my older sister with my younger sister dealing with emotional incest.  Before the internet she would litterally spend every night on the phone with suicide hot lines.

I also went back today and looked at their wedding picture and see the same cold disconnected look you mentioned.  At both my wedding (1985)and my sons wedding (2012), it's so bad her pictures look like she's on drugs.  Maybe she feels some sort of guilt at weddings for entrapping my Dad? 

Thanks again for your reply.  It's so helpful to see I'm not alone in this struggle.

[Notwendy]

I think it was easier to marry someone you don't know very well back in their era. My parents dated a short while and then quickly married. In my mother's era, women were not expected to have a career, or encouraged to even if they wanted one. It was the norm in my mother's peer group to go to college and major in "finding a man" and that is what they did.

It was easy then, for someone not capable of holding a job to blend in with the other women in her era. The difference isn't that they did have jobs, most didn't, but they were mentally sound and capable enough to do that while my mother was not, but it would not have been apparent.

I often wonder when the illusion shattered and she had a full blown meltdown with dad. Surely it was the most confusing and frightening thing to see his dream girl turn into a witch. It makes me sad for him to think about this.

Well you have come to the right place to process your feelings and share your story with others who know how it feels. I know you are missing him. I think the best way to honor him is to undo the baggage through personal work - have a good relationship with your wife and kids. This is what he probably would want for you.

[my_memories]

I have gone no-contact with my Mother for 4 months now and experienced one sibling pull back but I just can't get past the thought that I've been in a life long con game and never new it!  Just starting the journey to healing and thank the Lord that I have a great wife of 30+ years to help.  I think her Dad had NPD so we're able to offer each other insights and compare crazy notes. Feel blessed to have support but a lot of shock and anger.  So tired of dysfunctional people hurting their own family.  You reap what is sowed! Right now I'd spit on my grandfathers grave.

I strongly relate to this statement - I also have a tough time engaging with my siblings as I have learned more and more about all the lying and manipulation that was a part of my childhood experience.

I found NC a tough transition - it was a roller coaster, learning to create boundaries and find space for myself. Since going NC, one of my siblings has chosen to go NC with me. With a BPD parent, triangulation is rampant among siblings as it supports the divide and conquer style used by parents with this condition. I reflected long and hard about how to manage my relationships with my siblings going forward - I decided to make a concerted effort to make our relationships about each other and asked them to respectfully restrain from discussing our parents with me. I found this a helpful exercise, it enabled me to find a healthier balance with one of them. It helped me realize that one relationship was toxic and I chose to go NC with that individual. For my third sibling, she felt put in the middle and decided to go NC with me. I have worked hard to respect her decision and boundaries.

I hope my experience helps you through yours - NC is a tough path to take and it's hard to navigate with siblings that continue to be enmeshed and enabling.

[Woolspinner2000]

Welcome to our family, In the dark! 

It has been a few days since you posted. How are you doing now?

The shock upon discovery that we may have a BPD parent can be mind numbing. Have you managed to get beyond the initial shock yet? There is a lot of very helpful information here at this site, as well as others who have walked a parallel walk to your own. Some of us are a few steps ahead of you as far as the initial discovery goes, but each one of us is still very much in the process of peeling back the layers and healing. The good news is that as the light comes in, the dark begins to go away.

On the right side of this board you will find a Survivors Guide. ----->> Have you taken a look to see if you are in step 1 or 2 perhaps? It is normal to be experiencing a lot of strong feelings, even anger upon this discovery. Did you know that anger is actually an emotion that hides others? What other feeling do you think is behind the anger? You may not know what you are feeling at all, and until I was in T for a bit, I was not able to figure out or experience any emotions for a long time. I had learned to bury them from all of those years with an uBPDm.

I am so sorry that you went through all of the things you did. I am also very glad that you have taken time to share your discovery with us and allowed us to begin the journey to healing with you. I'm looking forward to hearing more from you!

 
Wools

[HappyChappy]

I just can't get past the thought that I've been in a life long con game and never new it!  

Hi In the Dark,

You've posted a very interesting question. I also struggled with this, but prior to the health services recognising personality disorders, people went to their graves none the wiser. So the way I rationalise this away is, those of us on this site, picked up as quickly as we could. You’re also a fairly popular age band for this website. So we didn’t do too badly considering. I have PTSD, and it wasn't that long ago  General Pattern was screaming yellow bellies at those American soldiers that had PTSD. So we've come a long way.

But the key is we need to take the value from this new found knowledge. By healing. By guarding against it. And diagnosis is the first step. In other words, we caught this cancer early enough to benefit from the diagnosis. So what steps are you taking to heal ?  

[Ziggiddy]

Hi In The Dark
Like the others I find your story very relatable

I just can't get past the thought that I've been in a life long con game and never new it!

Amen to that! You are no doubt feeling a tumult of sensations and will be making more and more discoveries as you delve deeper into understanding this. you will be exhilerated, furious, relieved, sad, frustrated - and as you mentioned, shock and anger. A whole rainbow of feelings and as you travel through them will no doubt recast much of your life with new eyes and new insights.

Take your time. Don't be hard on yourself for feeling things that you might tell yourself you are not supposed to feel. No doubt after a lifetime of 'being conned' it will take time to settle into the new perspectives you will find. I think the hardest part can be accepting that you didn't see it for what it was at the time. Or feeling bad for some behaviours you may have copied or assumed to be correct. Take time to grieve your losses and celebrate your new understanding. Welcome to the Awakening! It's quite a thing. i look forward to hearing more of your discoveries along the way.
Ziggiddy