I get more numb every day. All of my "senses" seem to belong to her.

[Indifferent28]

I don't seem to be getting better, and in April, we will have been broken up 2 years. The longer we go on with full no contact and she is with the replacement, the more numb I feel. I don't feel as I am getting better. I can have good times with friends, and enjoy other things in life. To some, I guess that is "better" but it isn't for me.

Because I still wind up feeling numb at the end of every day, as if a piece of me is just somewhere else.
I feel like all of my senses belong to her.

I can walk through the store, and the smell of a certain store can bring about so many intense and detailed filled memories that I wasn't even aware of them being so significant as they happened, yet my mind and senses process them like they just happened yesterday.
These smells I didn't know i would ever relate to my ex do... .A certain food, a certain store smell, a perfume, and the craziest of all, even the musty smell of a vent in a car brings back winter memories somehow.

A sound, such as a song or the way I hear someone pronounce a word, just creates another stir of memories.

The touch of the wind hitting my face, especially as we edge into fall, our favorite time of the year together, just kills me.

I feel as if all of my senses belong to her.

I don't know how it is possible to completely move on and heal from someone that is ingrained into your entire being. She is all of my senses.

I feel that I will always have this empty pit, and these remainders of her embedded into me. The thought of going on through the rest of my life like this is extremely terrifying.

[Kelli Cornett]

I know how you feel. Just hoping it passes.

[Indifferent28]

How long have you two been broken up?
How long of NC?

[ItsVal]

Indifferent28, even though I have nowhere near the same amount of NC I can totally relate to what you are saying. Just hope it passes indeed ... .

[Indifferent28]

Itsval, Im very sorry that you can relate. It is very sad to know anyone can relate to this empty feeling, and i know so many on this board do.

We've been broken up nearly 2 years, but have had a text here and there. Right now, it's about a solid 4 months of No contact with the exception of a few sentences via text months ago. and that was only because she had to apologize for her GIRL FRIEND texting me when we ran into each other.

[Curiously1]

It is very difficult to dettach from someone you felt so strongly for. Apart from outside distractions that are temporarily enjoyable (going to places, friends, other things), have you been taking time to reflect on your feelings and where the need for your ex comes from? As empty, numb, shattered as you feel, you cannot live vicariously through another person or have someone pick up all the pieces for you. That will only continue to lead you down a dark road. You belong to yourself. When you recognise yourself assigning all your emotions and every meaningful experience and attribute you have had in life thus far onto your ex you need to catch it and stop yourself from dwelling on them and spiralling down because of those reminders. I know it is easy said than done but you must continue to try. Be brave to live your life as much as you can in the present and truly own yourself. Ignore her, she is no good for you. Start to find new meaning in your life and the best source to go to for the rest of your life will always be you. Dive deep and learn more about who you are and love yourself. Take care.

[lovenature]

We've been broken up nearly 2 years, but have had a text here and there. Right now, it's about a solid 4 months of No contact with the exception of a few sentences via text months ago. and that was only because she had to apologize for her GIRL FRIEND texting me when we ran into each other.

100% NC is what I would recommend; I am now over 9 months out and I have learned that our minds know what happened, ANY contact rekindles the trying to make sense of the senseless and hoping to make things work. The longer you are out and the more you learn, the clearer things become.
Keep focusing on you.
 

 
 
 

[Moselle]

Hey indifferent,

Sorry to hear it's been a tough period for you.

Why do you think it's difficult for you to let go?

Where do you think you are stuck in the five steps of detachment on the right side of the screen?

[jo19854]

Hi, i've read your post and i know exactly what you are experiencing. It's almost unbearable sometimes.

My wife left out of the blue when i was at work. Almost 3 years ago. I came home and she was gone. She left everything behind (clothing, jewelry, personal belongings from before i met her) and also her dog. I only got a note without any explanation on that day. After 11 years she just left. I have never heard from her ever again. In her note she wrote i could email her, she thanked me for everything. She wrote i would get an adress when she had one. It took me 9 months to find out where she was, 4000 miles away she is and living with her older daughter. I wrote a letter but didnt get any reply. 
I took care of her during her chemotherapy the whole year before and many other times (including a period of 5 months in a nursing home) .

I am experiencing the same as you, I am triggered by everything. Sounds, smells, places, events. It's haunting. I will be 60 next year and also for me it feels it destroyed my life. I am stuck in processing. I believe its trauma we experience and i am afraid only time will help.
I read about unresolved (complicated) grief and i recognize it all. Maybe the advice given on websites how to deal with that helps. It helped me a bit.

I guess we both know we are deserving better, everyone tells us, but for people who didnt had to go thru this, they will never be able to really feel what we feel.

Love is a great thing, but being hurt by the one you love the most and getting no sympathy from that same person causes us immense pain. It's the indifference versus the love.

So, in short, i have no answers how to deal with it all, i forced myself to re experience moments and places and each time it took a percent of grief away. Find a friend who is willing to let you talk and vent. Thats also a problem, people get fed up  with it. But the ones who really care for you will help.

Take care and let time do its work. I know for myself a new relationship would be helpfull but first i have to be able to not let my trauma step into that. Maybe that goes for you too.

Love yourself, we deserve better, let time help you

[ItsVal]

Today marks day 16 of NC in my case. But what really makes it harder is that our lives are so connected even professionally. Add to that the rather open links she leaves, like not blocking me everywhere on social media, still using the email address with my last name, ... .Tomorrow I have a meeting with her boss for a project we started on when I was still with her. Today I had a call from another board member of the company she works for about some paperwork for the project and he mentioned that she had a fallout at work yesterday, actually threatened to resign (she did that a couple of weeks ago too), he didn't even know we are seperated ... .All this makes it very hard for me to keep NC and to try to detach, I'm wondering if there isn't a higher force pushing us towards eachother? How else would you explain the constant pushes towards eachother even though we are broken up, the unability to seperate our lives completely, ... .It's only a matter of time before we run in to each other on a professional task ... .

[Indifferent28]

Curious,
You are correct. The detachment process is quite far the hardest thing I have ever gone through.  When I get attached, I get VERY attached. I've never even been close to how close I was with her. I know I can't live through another person. I don't really know how else to explain it except that I love her. Or did love her. I think whether she was BPD or not, anyone that lost someone they were in love with would truly mourn that loss for years after.

With BPD partners, that "loss" is magnified due to lack of closure, the closeness of the attachment, and the delusional world we had ourselves in over the course of the relationship.
The thing i've heard the most regarding ANY break up, is you have to learn to love yourself with a BPD break up or not. I know this is true. I just feel that although I have learned to love more about myself and have grown a lot since the break up, that just doesn't matter to me. I can love myself all day and night, but I miss her because I loved her to say the least. It's like telling someone all these great things about my day, anyone else I say it to isn't the same. It's only her. I hate this way of thinking but it's how I feel.

[Indifferent28]

Hey indifferent,

Why do you think it's difficult for you to let go?

Where do you think you are stuck in the five steps of detachment on the right side of the screen?

Hey Moselle, besides the above reasons I listed for the other poster, I would say it's just the main concept that  I love her. I'm someone that believes love doesn't just go away, and I am totally sure I was in love with her whether she was BPD or not.

As for the stages, i go through them all, in different steps. One day I feel great, the next I am angry, the next   I am sad, the next day I am all of those stages. It's like I never completely move on from any of the steps.

[Indifferent28]

Jo19854

Your story made me ache. I am so sorry you're dealing with that. I know how 5 years felt... .I can only imagine 11 years, and the sudden leave. Ouch.

Yes, time is the only thing to relieve grief. But I feel like time is totally different in the BPD case for some of us here, especially those that were treated good most of the time, and then the person just ended it all.

I have tried the dating scheme, or at least liking someone again.
It works only temporarily to forget her, then I am back to missing her.
I think if you really love someone, there isn't much you can do to really get over the loss. You just somehow learn to live with it. I hope this empty feeling leaves us all.

[Indifferent28]

Today marks day 16 of NC in my case. But what really makes it harder is that our lives are so connected even professionally. Add to that the rather open links she leaves, like not blocking me everywhere on social media, still using the email address with my last name, ... .Tomorrow I have a meeting with her boss for a project we started on when I was still with her. Today I had a call from another board member of the company she works for about some paperwork for the project and he mentioned that she had a fallout at work yesterday, actually threatened to resign (she did that a couple of weeks ago too), he didn't even know we are seperated ... .All this makes it very hard for me to keep NC and to try to detach, I'm wondering if there isn't a higher force pushing us towards eachother? How else would you explain the constant pushes towards eachother even though we are broken up, the unability to seperate our lives completely, ... .It's only a matter of time before we run in to each other on a professional task ... .

ItsVal,

Being connected professionally makes it harder. My ex got fired from our job in the early part of this year, and  I will say it was harder seeing her every day than it is now that I don't see her. But its hard regardless. It sounds like your ex is having troubles at her job too. It seems when they detach from a relationship and get a new replacement set in, their mind becomes engulfed in the replacement and they begin making mistakes at work, not focusing and basically being lazy. I mean that is how my ex lost her job anyway. Oh, and drinking a lot and being hung over. Don't be surprised if your ex gets fired. Did she have a good work ethic before? It seems whatever they had with you, they switch. So if she worked good before, she may take a down hill turn in work ethic.

" I'm wondering if there isn't a higher force pushing us towards eachother? How else would you explain the constant pushes towards eachother even though we are broken up, the unability to seperate our lives completely,"

I thought this for a long time too, believe me. I thought it was meant to give us a break and that we worked together so we wouldnt totally lose touch. Well, then she got fired. After getting fired, a month later she popped up with a text when her and her girl friend broke up a couple days. There were these odd things of "what are the odds?" like mutual friends popping up, a song here or there, or i swear, everytime id say im done, im moving on, SOMETHING would happen literally the day after. Whether it be me seeing her somewhere, her damn girlfriend texting me, SOMETHING.

I would say, what the hell, is something trying to make sure I do not forget her or what? Another thing was I know see our anniversary date at least once every day in some weird form. Whether it be when i look at the clock or what. I actually had these odd period of time after we broke up, where every morning i'd wake around the same time. Say i'd wake around 3 every morning. I'd know something would happen on the 3rd of next month related to her. I kid you not, every time something significant did. It was weird. It was like a prediction thing and a reminder to hold on.

Well, here we are, almost 2 years broken up and she has no sign of missing me and is happy in another relationship. So... .As much as we want to believe in a higher power doing this or all these signs, sometimes I think our minds just make it so. I can't explain signs or coincidences, but I guess it doesn't mean what we think if we are on this board.

Thinking of these things as signs gives us too many what ifs and leaves us essentially stuck. I know we want to believe these signs as fate or maybes, but the truth is, our exes aren't here right now. So we have to go off of reality, and not the maybes. Especially if we ever have any hope to be okay again.

[CollateralDamage]

" I'm wondering if there isn't a higher force pushing us towards eachother? How else would you explain the constant pushes towards eachother even though we are broken up, the unability to seperate our lives completely,"



WOW, you are not kidding here. Strange things, all the time too. Songs, ads for places we have been, friends of friends, signs everywhere.  One I will share is extremely weird.  I have a hawk that will present itself on my fence in the morning when I come back from my morning outings. This hawk will show up, oddly enough, on days where my ex is going to communicate. I know I sound crazy here, but it only happens on those days.  Now I can't look at the bird anymore because of it. LOL.  My BPD ex was heavily into spiritual aspects and even claimed deja vu frequently. When she would tell me what she saw, it was eerie in terms of what it means today.  Things like being in a black wedding dress, us having a child with red hair, or just us being somewhere  and telling me about it prior.  Of course, I was all wrapped up in the soulmate thing, so anything was possible.  But this is interesting and sorry to derail the conversation.

[Indifferent28]

Collateral

Wow, that is very interesting. I believe your hawk story, as I had the thing about waking up on certain days. If it happens again, I will post here and we will see if something happens related to my ex the following month on that day.
You should tell us when you see the hawk, and we can see if that means your ex will contact you.

There are definitely some weird things that happen... .I mean, don't you ever wonder if your ex sees these signs that relate to us?

Its hard to believe the signs are meant to be though. It isn't healthy for any of us, even if they are weird and interesting. Because if we keep believing its all for a reason, none of us will move forward.

[CollateralDamage]

Well, Mr hawk showed up yesterday and my ex texted me to start the whole "being friends" discussion.  This lasted all day into the night, with me blasting her and ended in her blocking me on fb.  So yeah, the hawk was there yesterday morning and she ended up texting me about 8 hours later. 

Sigh

[Sadly]

Why don't you get a gun and shoot the bloody thing.

[Indifferent28]

Oh my god haha I laughed. But no, don't shoot that poor Hawk. It doesn't need to suffer just because your ex is a sucky individual

[Sadly]

  how do you know I meant the hawk 

[ItsVal]

Well indifferent28 it's actually even more complicated. She works for a company representing all of the realestate agencies in our country. With a board of 12 members ruling the company. In april this year I was looking for a new project (I'm an IT specialist) and the idea came up to do something for the realestate agencies in terms of webapplications and portals. With that idea we discussed it between the two of us and we made an appointment to pitch it to the board. They were enthousiast so I started making the necessary test cases and when we went through the first presentation in front of the board all was well. However since it's a webbased platform, investments needed to be made for hardware and a lot of time and work would have to be done. I hesitated and she pulled me over stating we could survive on our savings and her income for a while until the platform grew to make a profit, we also agreed on what tasks we divided between the two of us. It's way too much work to handle all aspects on my own (administration, accountancy, programming, hardware maintenance, publicity and promotion, ... .). Guess what, I sunk all my savings into it, and poof she left ... .Now I'm almost bankrupt because of all the money I put into it, I still try to make ends meet in the hopes the project takes of sooner than later and I have to work with the boardmembers almost on a day to day basis, knowing fully well she is seeing it all develop and most of the times communication (digital) passes by her at every level (she is the office manager and board assistent).

So for her to discard me like this and almost litteraly cutting everything out of my life both personal and professional is a really hard thing to cope with. I just can't get my head around the fact that she so easily discards me and is being confronted with stuff surrounding the project as much as I am without even a formal mail asking for help with the user interface or whatever they are working with right now. The stuff happening at her job are more along the lines of extremely explosive behaviour because of the stress and pressure she feels both professionaly (it's the busiest time of the year) and personally (she moved back into the house she bought with her ex out of necessaty and now he's constantly nagging her and trying to control her, using their son to get his way and abusing the spiritual views she has on life)

CollatoralDamage
My ex was always a bit into the spiritual things too but now under the influence of her ex (the father of her son, my godson) she's using that to explain we could have never been, he made her 'see' that all of the bad things happening to her nowadays are my bad karma being put on her (however all the bad things only started happening after she left me each and every time to go back to normal when she came back the previous two times)

It's hard and it doesn't look like there's any chance the project will take of over her head, I will be confronted with her and her behaviour for a long time to come ... .

About the signs, I get that too, I woke up with a really weird feeling a couple of times during the last weeks, and now in hindsight that were the days she would have trouble at work for example ... .I got the urge to send a message and turns out that was when she was crying at her moms house because of the pressure she couldn't take at home with her ex ... .stuff like that ... .songs, faithers, signs ... .I never was in to that sort of thing, she was but now she is actually using it against me under the influence of her ex who never was in to it either until she let him know we were struggling a bit in our relationship ... .

[valet]

Indifferent, I'm not going to sugar coat this for you because I feel like you're not looking at the big picture here. I know how hard this is. I know how it feels to be numb—how removed our experience is from the world and how it seems like it will never go away.

This is a reasonable response and it will change in time, but you have to do some work on your own too. Think about the problem here. Look at how you're viewing this.

Your ex does not 'own' your senses. Your ex does not own anything about you except what you let those memories own. This is a long and difficult process, but you have to start to frame it in a different way. The past is the past. How do you think you can put it there for good?