He's already with another woman, help me understand this

[PennyDreadful]

I filed to end our almost 20 yr marriage in July. I found out that he's already onto another relationship, and I'm just in shock. I guess I didn't get far enough in my research about BPD to understand or even expect this... .but how can you walk away from a long term marriage, and turn around in a few months and take up with someone else? Our divorce isn't even final! I cant even imagine starting a new relationship at this point, and I'm the one that filed! I don't want him back, I'm not pining for him, but still can't even fathom a new person now. How can he?

Also, even though I don't want him back, why does this affect ME so much? When I found out, it was like a physical blow straight to the gut. I am just crushed, and having a really hard time.

Can you help me understand?

[hope2727]

Hi, I had to write and tell you how sorry I am for your trauma. It is a huge shock to the system when everything you know to be normal and real is turned on its head.

No 2 people with BPD are the same. It is a spectrum disorder. So I can only tell you my experiences and what I have read. Because they lack a sense of self pwBPD need to latch onto someone who validates them. My ex husband always lined up a new woman before he left the last one. My ex fiancee did the same. Or at least it was only a matter of months until they were all lovey dove on Facebook. So your husband may have felt adrift and needed someone to validate his emotions and sense of self. Its like they need an anchor. They can't seem to stay alone for long.

So don't even try to  understand him. I have given up. Just take good gentle care of yourself during this time of healing. You will need lots of time and self care to recovery from a big shock like this.

Hugs

[JerryRG]

Hello PennyDreadful

Like hope2727 said, understanding pwBPD is futile, it only keeps us stuck because there is no figuring out someone with a mental illness. I've tried for years, energy I could have used to help myself get well.

PwBPD need attachments, not just friends or family will do, they need constant validation, adoration, almost worship sometimes. If they don't get it from us, they create chaos to get it from someone.

This has been my experience so I'm no expert at all.

My exgfs sister in law said it in a simple way "she cannot be alone, she has to have someone to help her through life"

I realize my exgf don't know how to handle life, she's a child in an adult body.

It has nothing to do with us, how much we loved them, sacrificed, gave them, it's never enough. It has nothing to do with mature love either.

I kicked my ex out and she was in love and engaged very shortly after, I know it's all just an illusion manufacturered in a sick mind. We can heal and grow, they just repeat the same patterns and fail.

[hope2727]

We can heal and grow, they just repeat the same patterns and fail.

This exactly

   

[PennyDreadful]

  Thanks... .that makes total sense. He mentally checked out of our marriage when I was done propping him up and enabling his addictions, so yeah, I can see that. I stopped adoring and validating him, and no matter what else we had going for us, that one thing was his deal-breaker. Instead of working to change and grow, like normal people, he had to find an easy, no blame fix. 

I guess that's why he doesn't seem interested in repairing his relationship with our daughter, who for her whole life was the sun and moon to him. She's 19 and able to make her own decisions, like how his behavior disgusted her. She no longer adored him, so out she goes as well. That is some sick, sad stuff.

[bestintentions]

PennyDreadful,

I wanted to write because I, too, am in the middle of a divorce after a 25 year r/s.  Like your D, my D22 is disgusted by her mother's behavior.  D married a wonderful young man this past summer and my almost immediate subsequent discard left our D in shock (not to mention me and everyone else in my family).  She questioned her own marriage and basically the point of marriage, period.  It's really shaken her and she avoided even me for a couple of weeks initially because of the pain involved.  It was painful to walk her through my own codependency and how I'd been propping things up on my own for many years.  I did my best to explain that she got married for the right reasons and not to use her parents' marriage as a barometer.  I'm trying to remain neutral in the hope that my stbxw decides to eventually attempt to repair this rift with our kids, but I can't worry about that.  It's up to them to see her how they will.  I'm moving to acceptance in that I never want to be with her again, but angry enough that I secretly hope the kids erase her as well.  I know that's selfish and I would never tell them that, but right now it's the truth.

bi

[PennyDreadful]

I'm moving to acceptance in that I never want to be with her again, but angry enough that I secretly hope the kids erase her as well.  I know that's selfish and I would never tell them that, but right now it's the truth.

BI, I feel the exact same way, and I am seriously conflicted about that! I know I don't want him back. And right now, I am secretly happy that my D also can't stand him and never wants to see him again. But I know thats wrong... .I should hope that things get smoothed out, but I honestly can't stand the thought of him in her life, screwing her up... .I mean, he's already done that enough... .the poor girl found him with a shotgun under his chin!

I have spent so much of my life fixing and trying to keep his crap from affecting her, and now I feel like not only can I NOT fix anything anymore, it's ramping up into the stratosphere!

[bestintentions]

That is an awful, selfish thing to do to your child.  Hopefully your D has resources available should she feel the need to seek help outside of you.  I may have mentioned this in a different thread at some point, but I'm guessing this divorce will affect my kids for much longer than me.  I went through it as a teenager myself and always felt extremely anxious when there was any need whatsoever for my parents to be around each other. 

I think we're both learning that we never could fix everything, it just appeared that way when things goes back to "normal".  That's the codependent/BPD trap.

bi

[Reforming]

Hi PennyDreadful

I'm sorry that you're going through so much pain and hurt right now. I experienced something similar and I know how devastating and confusing it feels.

I filed to end our almost 20 yr marriage in July. I found out that he's already onto another relationship, and I'm just in shock. I guess I didn't get far enough in my research about BPD to understand or even expect this... .but how can you walk away from a long term marriage, and turn around in a few months and take up with someone else? Our divorce isn't even final! I cant even imagine starting a new relationship at this point, and I'm the one that filed! I don't want him back, I'm not pining for him, but still can't even fathom a new person now. How can he?

Also, even though I don't want him back, why does this affect ME so much? When I found out, it was like a physical blow straight to the gut. I am just crushed, and having a really hard time.

Can you help me understand?

BPD is often called an attachment disorder. You could also describe it as a doomed and desperate search for identity.

A pwPBD typically has very little sense of identity- deep down they really don't know who they are. This can make being on their own so terrifying that it literally feels life threatening.  So they attach or fuse with to another person in a desperate attempt to gain a stable sense of identity - to become someone. Intense idealisation and mirroring are all part of that process as they try to become the ideal partner modelling themselves to what they think their partner likes and values. This can be a very compelling experience for the NON because we feel like we've found our perfect soulmate.

For a while it works and their partner's love and approval lends a temporary sense of self but as they grow closer their attempts to fuse with another person leaves them feeling engulfed. In other words they now feel that are losing their fragile sense of self in another person - they're disappearing and this is terrifying too. These two extremes drives the push pull dynamic - I love you I hate you - which causes so much pain and confusion for their partners

Sooner or later this toxic dynamic eats away at the relationship and it deteriorates. The failure to make the relationship work, to win a stable sense of self, to love and be loved causes a pwBPD deep shame. And as the living embodiment of this failure their partner becomes the biggest trigger of their shame.

Shame is the fuel of BPD and when a pwBPD feels flooded with shame they default to various coping mechanisms.  Splitting their partner black, projecting their painful feelings on to their partner, repressing their feelings, disassociation and infidelity. They began by seeing their spouse, partner, lover as their rescuer, affirmer of the existence, a mean of redemption. Now they see them as their persecutor.

But the very reason the compelled them to begin the relationship - their profound terror of being alone because they lack a sense of self - drives them find a replacement as quickly as possible and repeat the cycle.

Your soon to be ex-husband's behaviour does not reflect your qualities as a spouse or partner. It's driven by his disorder

I know that this may sound very abstract but accepting the reality of the disorder is the foundation of healing.

It's also worth exploring object constancy and BPD

Thanks for sharing your story. Things will get better

Reforming

[findingmyselfagain]

I can understand how you feel. My experience was similar. Just a few days after our WEDDING SHOWER, which seemed normal and pleasant, she made it a point to throw in my face that she was hanging out with a male co-worker. The relationship went downhill fast and was destroyed in just about a month. When I met her she was barely divorced from her second husband. I should have been 100 times wiser. It doesn't seem like they can handle being single /alone. I'm surprised she hasn't found another husband. Maybe others are less trusting than I was?

[Herodias]

Hi Penny, I am sorry you are going through this... .I did as well. Mine told me he could not be alone. Then he convinced himself that she was better suited to him. Even though he is mirroring her completely. Mine ended up getting her pregnant, she had the baby before we were divorced. It is embarrassing and humiliating. They pretend they are so much happier now... .be prepared. Somehow you need to get strong and realize this other person is saving you from him. She doesn't know what she is getting into. You know what you are getting out of. I feel for you... .it is an awful feeling and it lingers too long. Just remember, once you know what they are and are not willing to play the game with them anymore, they have to find someone who will. We are the ones who are better off. It takes awhile to see this. Take care of you as much as you can... .since your daughter doesn't like his behavior either, that can affect him too. He needs admiration to take away the pain of divorce. We need time to heal and take care of us... .so sorry.   xo

[tammym1972]

I too can relate. Though we've been together only 4 years I thought he was the one. He left me and took up with a much younger woman with a child the same day we broke up!