How do I tell her?

[CantWin1979]

My wife has many of the 9 traits of BPD. I am not a therapist or psychologist, so I really can't say for sure. But after much online reading, & Youtube vidoes I can identify with similarities in her behaviors. I'm really trying to find a polite way to express my belief to her without a total BPD moment. As you could tell I'm walking on eggshells already. I really can't take this marriage anymore without her knowing this behavior is wrong and help is needed. Can't take much more! It's affecting my self esteem and worth. She is a awesome, caring, loving woman. She is worth fighting for. So the question is, how do you tell someone you love, that you think they might have BPD?

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[Kelli Cornett]

One of the most over the top insane rages I've ever experienced with my BPDw, was when I let her know what I thought was going on with her.

From what I've seen, heard and experienced, she won't accept it as what's going on with her. She'll blame you and the marriage, she might rage at you, devalue you, paint you black on the spot, etc.

You are embarking on a very difficult journey that so many here know all too well. You can give the whole validation thing a shot and try validating her feelings first then empathizing with her before you try and steer the conversation to some of her behaviors, and see if that softens the situation up some. It might work and it might not... with BPD you can never be sure of their reactions, and those reactions can change from moment to moment. Hell, I've had my wife on board with her BPD symptoms one day, then angrily denying them the next. It all comes with the territory.

[Mutt]

Hi CantWin1979,



It can be hard for someone to accept a diagnosis of a mental disorder - and the most difficult personality disorder that carries a heavy stigma even in today's society. Some experts say that BPD us a shame based disorder, a person that suffers from BPD feel a lot of shame and low self worth, it may be do worse than good suggesting that she has BPD.

BPD and mental disorders in general are often co-morbid  with other disorders. With where we are as a society today in mind, depression and anxiety are widely accepted and it doesn't carry a stigma like BPD does, often there's an under lying clinical depression with BPD, you could approach her with this angle in mind? You could tell her that you think that she may be suffering from depression and anxiety, hopefully she'll want to seek help and it will get her moving in the right direction by putting her foot in the door with therapy.

[waverider]

Knowing even if she accepts it, and that is unlikely unless she already has accepted she has a problem and is searching for 'the label", is not the turning point that it would be for identifying a physical ailment.

To a pwBPD it often comes across as validation that are are a lost cause and never wil amount to anything and that everything that has ever gone wrong in their life is their fault and always will. As you can see they are going to fight that label tooth and nail, equally acceptance of it can lead to severe depression, even upping suicidal tendencies.

Changing what WE do and hence helping to "detoxify" the environment we increase their sense of security whereby they can be open to thinking about their individual issues, if you can make some kind of progress in the relationship then the introduction of the diagnosis has a less negative impact.

Bottom line is there is no quick fix.

[RDMercer55]

Sir I feel for ya... .I'm living in this and today my wife is supposed to go into counseling and express her need for help... .Even though my adult children and I have finally gotten around to sharing with her that we believe she needs help, I'm sure she doesn't believe that... .We have tried for the last few months using the great tools and resources available here and they work well at times.

But here's the bottom line. You have to self care and have an understanding of what you can and cannot do... .Being in counseling myself has helped me process where I'm at with that... .It also gives me the confidence to know that I must set down the appropriate boundaries and also call her bluff when she threatens to leave me when I don't give into her... .Because I am settled in what I can and cannot do in my relationship as we move forward, as much as it would be devastating for her to leave me, it at least keeps me in a healthy place so I can continue to grow and recover... .

Wishing you all the best as you move forward... .the people on these boards are amazing and so helpful so I encourage you to keep coming back and posting... .Even if it's just to vent... .we've all been there!

Peace