Just changed the locks on my door

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Hello. I am trying out this forum as I have been struggling with a relationship with a BPD male for about 7 months. The whole relationship was not very long but the ups and downs were immense!  I don't even really know where to start. 

I met my fiance in March, right after I had a bf that could barely show emotion. I was so heartbroken that this other guy could never show me affection or love, so I thought. So I was in the perfect place to be "swept off my feet" by this new guy, let's call him B.  I was in a severe depression, I had looked for a job for over 6 months, had a failed relationship, and my rental condo tenant hadn't paid me in 5 months and I had to evict her.  The bad things kept piling up, and when I met B I thought it was too good to be true.

He helped me with so much of the condo repairs. Hours and hours of painting, caulking, cleaning etc etc.  No one else had the time or desire to help me.  At that time he seemed pretty 'normal' except for some things here and there, but I breezed passed them since he was saving me so much.  We of course were involved with a lot of drinking and drugs.  He said so many romantic things to me, I told him he sounded like a Disney movie. I didn't know people said those things in real life. Definitely no one ever said them to me.

AFter a month or two, he wanted to get promise rings. We started looking at them in stores. We didn't have much money so I was hesitant so spend anything at that time. We got into some argument about it because I was too wrapped up in the condo, finding a tenant.  I told him to take care of it since it was so important to him. He came home with a diamond engagement ring!

I was in shock! I'm 40 years old and no one had ever proposed to me before! I felt like I wanted to pass out. I was confused though, we didn't know each other very well. I only told a few friends because I didn't know what to do or how to feel. Still he told me I was the best thing that ever happened to him.  I was supposed to be happy about this ring, so I went with it. I decided I'd try it 100%.

I decided to treat us to a vacation in Mexico, which he talked about so much, as a reward for helping me fix up the condo. I bought one way plane tickets. But we didn't even arrive in Mexico when problems started.  He yelled at a cashier when we were getting food at the airport, and I asked him why he did that. He got angry at me, saying why can't I just agree with him. So I walked away to the other side of the hallway.  He freaked out again!

He was mad about it the entire flight, we got off the plane in Mexico and he kept going, causing a scene. He insisted I tell him how much I loved him. But I was tired and we were in a new country. I got really irritated, thinking if we make a scene here we'll never get through customs.  He got so emotional he left his phone on a counter and it was gone, causing more upset.  We got in a cab for the 45 minute ride to the small town. He still wasn't letting go!  Before we could even get into town, he told the cab driver to stop because he was having a panick attack and couldn't breath.  I was seriously annoyed by the whole situation and getting angry. He laid on the ground in front of some random people's yard.  I told him lets get to a hotel with air conditioning (we were sweating in the heat) and then we could talk about it.  He refused. I started to carry his bag and mine and he still had a fit! 

Finally I got him to walk, I was sweating balls, but at least he was moving now. A few days later I got mad at him for something else, wound up yelling on the balcony and the owner of that hotel yelled back at me. How am I looking like the bad guy?

There are so many of these stories.  He used Xanex to zone out, now I learned called dissociation. 

I kept changing, giving up friends, giving up more and more. He was flaking out on obligations. I was living with my brother in this 2 bedroom house, and he wanted my brother to move out.  He dragged my brother into it emotionally too. So we had a plan... .my brother would get the Uhaul on X day at 9am and we would help him move.  5 minutes before he came with the truck, B decided he wasn't going to help us move because he didn't like something my brother said. I got furious and threw something against the wall and it broke.

A few days later was my birthday, I invited a few friends over because that's all I had energy to plan. I was so exhausted by the many fights we had.  I kept bringing up certain things that annoyed me but he couldn't help them.  I didn't talk about any of it, because he would tell me he never said anything bad about me.  We were drinking, i was drinking more and more, we were thinking that was helping our mood but we'd get in these horrible fights.

I knew deep down something was wrong, but I kept trying. Maybe when my brother moves out, it will get better.  But he did, then on my birthday was something else.  I sat on a friends lap, which was pretty innocent. He got upset and hid in our bedroom for hours. I went up to check on him and he was crying (later he told me he cried on purpose to get my attention).  I was so angry that he would mess up my birthday like that.

A week later I tried to talk to him that this relationship isn't working.  this sparked all kind of guilt trips and "I'm not trying hard enough" and I'm a quitter. All of those had kept me going for a while. But I saw my life ahead, with just him and I, fighting all the time pretty much every day. What if I get married, and put up with this for another year, 5 years... .what would I have left of myself? I couldn't do it. I kept telling him over and over he had to leave.  I regret now losing my temper so much. I threw things and broke them and put his stuff in trash bags.

Finally he told me if I kept throwing things he would smash my laptop.  I'm a graphic designer so that's the only way I had to make money. At that point I didn't care I just wanted it to be over. So he smashed my laptop against the stairs.

I was so furious I went to a friends house for anight. When i came back, I wasn't sure what was going to happen. But when I saw my irrepairable laptop I knew it had to end.  He sobbed so uncontrollably. He said dramatic things like "when you look at the plants I gave you I hope you remember this face ( of him red faced and crying".

It all really broke my heart. I didn't want it to end. I didn't want it to end like that. I just knew I couldn't take it any more.

This was 3 weeks ago.  He told me to never contact him and then texted me every day.  It wasn't until 2 weeks ago when I was talking to a psychologist friend of mine that I ever heard of Borderline. Then when I read about it... .it fit so well. There were sentences the forums said that B said sometimes word for word. All of it started to make sense.  But then I felt tremendous guilt for losing my temper on him so much.

I have been slowly telling people about it. Its so hard to describe the feelings I felt and what we were going through.  I finally had to block his phone number last week, because when he texted me out of the blue, I tried to be clear that we weren't getting back together but I still cared about him. I wanted to make sure he was ok.

This was after mind you, he told me never to contact him but texted me every day for a week.  In the end, he was texting me that he hated me, and that he wished he never loved me etc etc.  I lost my temper again. I can't help it.  I told him I had to block him. He said "I told you to block me a long time ago".

I don't know how I'm going to recover from this. It's so stupid but I remember some of the sweetest things he's ever said. We watched that movie "The Notebook" and he said he would do that for me. He would die next to me. I can't stop crying about all of this.  It seems he's the only person that truly wanted a future with me.  What does that mean that the only person that wants a future with me is mentally ill?

I'm finding it very hard to talk to people about it, except psychologists or someone who knows about the disorder. I can't explain why I "fell for it" so many times, why I ignored all the red flags.  It was by no means a normal relationship. And I feel I have to mourn the fact that all of those "dreams" were never real.  And it hurts to know that he is searching for some true love and security which will probably never happen to him unless he wants to change.

[jasmine-1234]

Hello. I am trying out this forum as I have been struggling with a relationship with a BPD male for about 7 months. The whole relationship was not very long but the ups and downs were immense!  I don't even really know where to start. 

I met my fiance in March, right after I had a bf that could barely show emotion. I was so heartbroken that this other guy could never show me affection or love, so I thought. So I was in the perfect place to be "swept off my feet" by this new guy, let's call him B.  I was in a severe depression, I had looked for a job for over 6 months, had a failed relationship, and my rental condo tenant hadn't paid me in 5 months and I had to evict her.  The bad things kept piling up, and when I met B I thought it was too good to be true.

He helped me with so much of the condo repairs. Hours and hours of painting, caulking, cleaning etc etc.  No one else had the time or desire to help me.  At that time he seemed pretty 'normal' except for some things here and there, but I breezed passed them since he was saving me so much.  We of course were involved with a lot of drinking and drugs.  He said so many romantic things to me, I told him he sounded like a Disney movie. I didn't know people said those things in real life. Definitely no one ever said them to me.

AFter a month or two, he wanted to get promise rings. We started looking at them in stores. We didn't have much money so I was hesitant so spend anything at that time. We got into some argument about it because I was too wrapped up in the condo, finding a tenant.  I told him to take care of it since it was so important to him. He came home with a diamond engagement ring!

I was in shock! I'm 40 years old and no one had ever proposed to me before! I felt like I wanted to pass out. I was confused though, we didn't know each other very well. I only told a few friends because I didn't know what to do or how to feel. Still he told me I was the best thing that ever happened to him.  I was supposed to be happy about this ring, so I went with it. I decided I'd try it 100%.

I decided to treat us to a vacation in Mexico, which he talked about so much, as a reward for helping me fix up the condo. I bought one way plane tickets. But we didn't even arrive in Mexico when problems started.  He yelled at a cashier when we were getting food at the airport, and I asked him why he did that. He got angry at me, saying why can't I just agree with him. So I walked away to the other side of the hallway.  He freaked out again!

He was mad about it the entire flight, we got off the plane in Mexico and he kept going, causing a scene. He insisted I tell him how much I loved him. But I was tired and we were in a new country. I got really irritated, thinking if we make a scene here we'll never get through customs.  He got so emotional he left his phone on a counter and it was gone, causing more upset.  We got in a cab for the 45 minute ride to the small town. He still wasn't letting go!  Before we could even get into town, he told the cab driver to stop because he was having a panick attack and couldn't breath.  I was seriously annoyed by the whole situation and getting angry. He laid on the ground in front of some random people's yard.  I told him lets get to a hotel with air conditioning (we were sweating in the heat) and then we could talk about it.  He refused. I started to carry his bag and mine and he still had a fit! 

Finally I got him to walk, I was sweating balls, but at least he was moving now. A few days later I got mad at him for something else, wound up yelling on the balcony and the owner of that hotel yelled back at me. How am I looking like the bad guy?

There are so many of these stories.  He used Xanex to zone out, now I learned called dissociation. 

I kept changing, giving up friends, giving up more and more. He was flaking out on obligations. I was living with my brother in this 2 bedroom house, and he wanted my brother to move out.  He dragged my brother into it emotionally too. So we had a plan... .my brother would get the Uhaul on X day at 9am and we would help him move.  5 minutes before he came with the truck, B decided he wasn't going to help us move because he didn't like something my brother said. I got furious and threw something against the wall and it broke.

A few days later was my birthday, I invited a few friends over because that's all I had energy to plan. I was so exhausted by the many fights we had.  I kept bringing up certain things that annoyed me but he couldn't help them.  I didn't talk about any of it, because he would tell me he never said anything bad about me.  We were drinking, i was drinking more and more, we were thinking that was helping our mood but we'd get in these horrible fights.

I knew deep down something was wrong, but I kept trying. Maybe when my brother moves out, it will get better.  But he did, then on my birthday was something else.  I sat on a friends lap, which was pretty innocent. He got upset and hid in our bedroom for hours. I went up to check on him and he was crying (later he told me he cried on purpose to get my attention).  I was so angry that he would mess up my birthday like that.

A week later I tried to talk to him that this relationship isn't working.  this sparked all kind of guilt trips and "I'm not trying hard enough" and I'm a quitter. All of those had kept me going for a while. But I saw my life ahead, with just him and I, fighting all the time pretty much every day. What if I get married, and put up with this for another year, 5 years... .what would I have left of myself? I couldn't do it. I kept telling him over and over he had to leave.  I regret now losing my temper so much. I threw things and broke them and put his stuff in trash bags.

Finally he told me if I kept throwing things he would smash my laptop.  I'm a graphic designer so that's the only way I had to make money. At that point I didn't care I just wanted it to be over. So he smashed my laptop against the stairs.

I was so furious I went to a friends house for anight. When i came back, I wasn't sure what was going to happen. But when I saw my irrepairable laptop I knew it had to end.  He sobbed so uncontrollably. He said dramatic things like "when you look at the plants I gave you I hope you remember this face ( of him red faced and crying".

It all really broke my heart. I didn't want it to end. I didn't want it to end like that. I just knew I couldn't take it any more.

This was 3 weeks ago.  He told me to never contact him and then texted me every day.  It wasn't until 2 weeks ago when I was talking to a psychologist friend of mine that I ever heard of Borderline. Then when I read about it... .it fit so well. There were sentences the forums said that B said sometimes word for word. All of it started to make sense.  But then I felt tremendous guilt for losing my temper on him so much.

I have been slowly telling people about it. Its so hard to describe the feelings I felt and what we were going through.  I finally had to block his phone number last week, because when he texted me out of the blue, I tried to be clear that we weren't getting back together but I still cared about him. I wanted to make sure he was ok.

This was after mind you, he told me never to contact him but texted me every day for a week.  In the end, he was texting me that he hated me, and that he wished he never loved me etc etc.  I lost my temper again. I can't help it.  I told him I had to block him. He said "I told you to block me a long time ago".

I don't know how I'm going to recover from this. It's so stupid but I remember some of the sweetest things he's ever said. We watched that movie "The Notebook" and he said he would do that for me. He would die next to me. I can't stop crying about all of this.  It seems he's the only person that truly wanted a future with me.  What does that mean that the only person that wants a future with me is mentally ill?

I'm finding it very hard to talk to people about it, except psychologists or someone who knows about the disorder. I can't explain why I "fell for it" so many times, why I ignored all the red flags.  It was by no means a normal relationship. And I feel I have to mourn the fact that all of those "dreams" were never real.  And it hurts to know that he is searching for some true love and security which will probably never happen to him unless he wants to change.

[rfriesen]

Hi jasmine! Welcome 

The emotional rollercoaster and the scenes you describe, as difficult to process and understand as they may, are just like those many of us here know all too well. My heart goes out to you. Coming out of these relationships is incredibly hard, even when we're absolutely certain they have to end. It can all be very painful and disorienting. There are reading materials here that many have found useful:
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=56204.0

Posting and reading other stories here can also help you to understand and process some of what you've been through.

He said so many romantic things to me, I told him he sounded like a Disney movie. I didn't know people said those things in real life. Definitely no one ever said them to me.

The idealization phase is powerful. If you are receptive, a pwBPD will form an intense bond with you.

I decided to treat us to a vacation in Mexico, which he talked about so much, as a reward for helping me fix up the condo. I bought one way plane tickets. But we didn't even arrive in Mexico when problems started.

The nightmare scenarios you describe suggest that your ex may have been struggling with a terrible fear of engulfment -- he's pulled you desperately close in the idealization phase and can't cope himself with the closeness, so he starts pushing you and the whole situation/relationship away. It can feel absolutely brutal.

But then I felt tremendous guilt for losing my temper on him so much.

The feelings of guilt are a natural response after being blamed by someone we love for the pain they're in, particularly in the aftermath of the intense bonding you've shared and after seeing how much pain he truly is in. Our natural instinct is to help and to feel guilt when the other person insists we're not loving them enough ... .and many of us who are drawn into these relationships are drawn in because we have our own poor sense of boundaries and get sucked into the painful push-pull dynamic ourselves. It's important to recognize that your feelings of compassion and concern are valid reactions to seeing someone you love in pain, but that that doesn't make you responsible for his pain.

I tried to be clear that we weren't getting back together but I still cared about him. I wanted to make sure he was ok.

Once you know you want to detach from the relationship, the kindest thing you can do for your ex is to be clear about this and maintain your boundaries. It can be much more painful for everyone to keep the push-pull dynamic going.

I don't know how I'm going to recover from this.

Time and patience and compassion for yourself. It is a painful process and the pain can make you feel you're doing something wrong and you need to "resolve" things or "figure it all out". There is no magical solution except time, so don't rush yourself or pressure yourself along the way. Accept that this is painful, it's normal for it to be painful, remember that we understand that pain and are here as a resource to lean on ... .and, again, remember to give yourself time, patience, and compassion.

What does that mean that the only person that wants a future with me is mentally ill?

All it means right now is that you've been through a very painful experience, and you're going to come out of this much more self-aware and in a better place to recognize and build a healthy relationship. Don't let your mind force grand conclusions on you while you're in such a tough place emotionally. It's what our minds will try to do, but it is counter-productive and you'll see with time that those supposed grand conclusions start to fade.

I'm finding it very hard to talk to people about it, except psychologists or someone who knows about the disorder. I can't explain why I "fell for it" so many times, why I ignored all the red flags.  It was by no means a normal relationship. And I feel I have to mourn the fact that all of those "dreams" were never real.  And it hurts to know that he is searching for some true love and security which will probably never happen to him unless he wants to change.

We all "fell for it" here. How could we know without going through the experience? Yes, in hindsight we see so many red flags. That's hindsight. All we can do now is learn from it going forward. The dreams were real in the sense that you both felt them intensely, shared powerful emotions and an intense bond, but they were never stable because of the relationship dynamic. Not sure that's any comfort, since we still have to mourn the loss. And, yes, it hurts to think of the pain our exes are in. But, as you say, only he can make the decision to change. Time to focus on your own healing.

Keep posting and reading here. It is a wonderful resource.

[jasmine-1234]

Thank you so much for your response.  I wish I had known this was here when I was in the relationship, or what Borderline was. Now that I'm talking about it, others say it is one of the hardest disorders to deal with, because they can be so loving and sweet at times.

Things get better in some ways. I feel more peaceful. I can think about what I want to do. But I still think about him all the time.  I had to change the locks on my door today because he never returned them, and someone warned me. Although he was not really physically abusive to  me except breaking my laptop. But I wasn't sure what cutting him off would have him do.

I didn't want to block his number before, because I thought he might try to commit suicide. He told me when his other ex left, she straight up just left a note and never contacted him again. It left him so heartbroken he said he went to the golden gate bridge every day and contemplated jumping off. Now that I think about it I'm not sure if that's true, or if he would actually jump.

After he moved out, I even contacted the family friend he was staying with, telling him about BPD.  I figured B was going to be very emotional. I did not hear anything back.

Still I'm glad I have my life back. I opened some bank statements that came to the house and his account was about $800 negative.

There were so many other incidents, too many to write about really.  But looking back now knowing that he has BPD has shed a lot of light. I actually got him to admit that he knew he had BPD, when he was discharged from the army.  So he probably has some PTSD in there too. But when I suggested that he read some articles, at first he agreed. I said he really needs to continue therapy or he might not ever have a good relationship. Then his tone changed, he started to say I was the one that needed therapy, and then he started saying he hated me and wished he never met me.  That's when I had to block his phone number. I couldn't take it any more.  

I guess I understand why he would hide that, but it also hurt me because I could have gotten some help or understanding around it.   I was struggling on my own.  Only a few friends knew anything was wrong because I was so hopeful for my new "future".

I go back and forth between being sad, angry, relieved, and just plain depressed.

I've joined AA, to try to avoid even further depression, but this leaves me more sober time to think. I have off and on crying fits.  I guess it will pass. I've gotten a therapist but have only had one session so far. I hope it helps.

[C.Stein]

As beautiful as the words can be, the painted picture of a future filled with love and happiness, they are only words.  When there are no actions there to give those words substance they mean nothing.  I know it is hard to not hold onto the words but it is important that we look at the actions (or lack of) that give those words meaning and substance (or not). 

One of the hardest things for me to come to terms with is the stark contrast between the woman I fell in love with and the woman who threw me away like a piece of trash.  I still struggle to believe the woman who I loved like no other could do the things she did ... .but she did and that is a cold hard reality I have to accept.

It will be difficult for a while because none of this will make any sense to you.  As you learn more about the disorder and what drives the behavior you will find the FOG lifting and begin to gain some clarity.

A good place to start gaining some clarity is here.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=136462.0

Keep reading and sharing, it does help.   

[jasmine-1234]

Thank you C. Stein. Yes I have that feeling too.  How can all that proclaimed love lead to so much anger/fighting.  Part of me wants to understand the disorder, but also reading about it and learning about it causes me pain. He probably doesn't want to read or learn about it or get help.  Interesting that I am probably spending more time picking this apart than he is, but I feel I need to for some sense of sanity, or what the hell was that tornado.  And learning what my part was in it.

I don't know about you, but I read some things that the Caretaker probably came from a dysfunctional family. Mine was filled with fighting/abuse from my dad to my mom. So I guess a part of me just thought drama and fighting was normal, even though I didn't like it.

[rfriesen]

Things get better in some ways. I feel more peaceful. I can think about what I want to do.

Good for you. Those are huge steps. It might not entirely feel this way now, but it takes tremendous courage to embrace the quiet, peaceful time to think after the rollercoaster of these relationships -- or the tornado, as you so aptly put it

But I still think about him all the time.

This is completely normal at this stage. Which isn't to say it isn't frustrating, exhausting, and a sad place to be. You don't want to expend your energy trying to suppress and ignore the thoughts, but you don't want to exhaust yourself ruminating either. It can take a while to find that balance. Maybe set aside a little time each day -- say half an hour in the morning and evening, or whatever seems workable to you -- and whenever you find your mind sinking deep into rumination, tell yourself to put the rumination aside until the time you've allotted for those thoughts? That might help, it might not. The point is you can try various ways of both allowing your mind time to process everything, while still getting on with your day and usual activities.

Also, for me it was really helpful to realise that my mind would be racing for some time (many months, though with decreasing intensity) after the relationship. At some point, I understood that I had to let my mind do its thing, while I focused on the feelings I was having -- I mean literally just focusing on labelling the feelings and describing what sensations they involve (colours, shapes, smells, etc). The point is that you'll learn to recognise the feelings you're having and that will help you realise that they will pass, as they always do. And, once they pass, so will some of the painful thoughts your mind is spinning out as it tries to make sense of the feelings.

That last paragraph might not be all that clear, but you'll find your way as you grope through this.

I didn't want to block his number before, because I thought he might try to commit suicide. He told me when his other ex left, she straight up just left a note and never contacted him again. It left him so heartbroken he said he went to the golden gate bridge every day and contemplated jumping off. Now that I think about it I'm not sure if that's true, or if he would actually jump.

It's very hard to deal with this kind of emotional blackmail, especially when you know the person is in real pain and you're not sure whether the threat is real. At this point, though, having made your decision to detach, the best thing you can do for yourself AND for your ex is to focus on yourself and accept that you're not responsible for his feelings or for taking care of them. Any push/pull is likely to be damaging to you both.

I've joined AA, to try to avoid even further depression, but this leaves me more sober time to think. I have off and on crying fits.  I guess it will pass. I've gotten a therapist but have only had one session so far. I hope it helps.

You're doing everything you can to grow through this experience. That can be more painful in the short term, but will make your life richer, fuller, happier in the long run. Be patient with yourself and you'll come to a much better place in time.

[jasmine-1234]

Thank you so much for all you've written.  It is super helpful to feel validated in what I am feeling.  I think even more so than the therapist I talked to today. Do you find that most therapists have even dealt with BPD people before?  I found myself feeling annoyed at her lack of response.  I feel sort of lost. I don't even know what I want to get out of therapy except not to be in the depression pit. 

She suggested a Codepency group.  Have you found this to be helpful?  I am a bit overwhelmed though, with AA and the therapist, and a bunch of books to read.  But mostly AA is just about addiction, and I don't want to talk about the relationship too much except for how it relates to addiction.  I can't change everything all at once. 

Mostly now I am noticing I have poor boundaries.  I started reading the book "Stop Caretaking the BorderLine/ Narcissist, End the Drama, and Get on with your Life". Have you read that?  I realized I let people walk all over me, I have a hard time setting boundaries and saying no. I overextend myself all the time.  It's a habit... .I will help and help and then get really mad and blow up.  But all of this happened at warp speed with B.  Trying now to see how it creeps up in little ways in more "normal" situations and I just let it happen.  Even in therapy when I'm paying $160 an hour!  How can I get what I want. What do I even want? 

Thank you again I am so grateful this space is here!

[Herodias]

Jasmine, I was 42 when I met mine and it was the most romantic relationship ever. You are so lucky to have seen through this so fast. I married mine and it was agony until the end. I know it's hard now, but see the reality of it all. You have an opportunity to learn from it now and not waste years on this like some of us have here. Trying to make something work and trying to get the romance back when it doesn't ever come back like it was. There can be brief moments... .but the bad side always returns. I am sorry you went through this, but learn what you can so you don't get recycled. It sounds like you have been through allot. Some therapists will just ask you what your boundaries are... .some ask why you were in it. It seems uncaring, but you have to look to yourself if you continue to let yourself be treated poorly. We tend to want them to fix the other person, but all we can do is fix ourselves. You seem to know why you got into it. Learn the lesson and take care of you... .By the way... .we now know there is no such thing as "Prince Charming" right? That is a red flag to run... .In fact, I heard a funny saying that said, "He says you are the love of his life, but he can't remember what you look like, so he has to put a shoe on every woman in the kingdom... .he may be Prince Charming, but who wants to spend their life with an idiot?" LOL  I never thought of it that way... .made me laugh.

[rfriesen]

jasmine,
It's normal to feel overwhelmed right now. Try not to put too much on your plate. The thing about feeling overwhelmed is it can make us feel pressure to do something about it -- almost by definition, if we're feeling overwhelmed, we feel we need to change something, or that we're doing something wrong. Try not to put too much pressure on yourself to feel "back to normal" or close to it right away. Right now, it's all about what's workable. My therapist often reminded me to focus on what was "workable" when I was first coming out of the relationship that brought me here. Naturally, you want to feel better, to get over the pain of this relationship. I used to think, "well if I could just feel more like myself and not have my mind racing all the time, not feeling down and listless, I could really put more effort in to getting on with my life!" Unfortunately, it doesn't work that way. Feeling better can take time. It can be a tough slog for a while. And in the meantime we have to get on with our lives so that we're in a decent place once we do start to truly feel better.

So, granted you're feeling overwhelmed now and likely to struggle with that feeling (to varying degrees) for a little while yet, the question is: what do you need and what is workable? Start basic -- what do you need to have a healthy routine, good sleep, good meals, decent work schedule, time for AA meetings and therapy, time with close friends? Focus on the concrete things and accept that they won't always come easy right now.

As for your therapist, only you can judge whether she's right for you, especially when it can take a bite out of your budget. It can be worth taking some time before drawing conclusions, though. I remember also feeling frustrated that my therapist didn't seem to be engaging with/ recognizing just how messed up and painful my relationship had been with my ex. But eventually I understood that she wanted to keep the focus squarely on me and what I was feeling and what steps I was taking to deal with it all. She wasn't there to be my friend or support group. She was compassionate and kind and I appreciate that. But she wasn't going to be my shoulder to cry on. She wasn't going to let me off the hook in terms of my making an effort to deal with my own role in the dysfunction and how I could take a hard look at it all in order to learn new patterns of thought and behaviour. It's not always fun and the rewards don't always come quickly, but it will pay off in the long run, there's no doubt about that.

[jasmine-1234]

Thank you!

I thought this line was awesome

By the way... .we now know there is no such thing as "Prince Charming" right? That is a red flag to run... .In fact, I heard a funny saying that said, "He says you are the love of his life, but he can't remember what you look like, so he has to put a shoe on every woman in the kingdom... .

Now that I think about it, I found out a few months in, several months after he gave me the ring, he still didn't spell my first name right!  hahahha. What the heck!

And yes, after my brother moved out and it was him and I, I saw into my future, which was very scary. I can only imagine doing that for years. 

"well if I could just feel more like myself and not have my mind racing all the time, not feeling down and listless, I could really put more effort in to getting on with my life!"

Yes I feel this one a lot too.  Been up many nights super late with my mind racing.  Still trying to unravel things... I'm curious, how long did it take you into the relationship to actually knowing the name of the disorder? Or realizing the disorder?  We always attributed the fighting to drinking, or my drinking, or drugs, or bad situations.  Well, actually he did, but I started to see the illness more and more as time went on.  The physical panic attacks really clued me in, I could see there was really much more going on that just a tantrum.

[C.Stein]

Been up many nights super late with my mind racing.  Still trying to unravel things... I'm curious, how long did it take you into the relationship to actually knowing the name of the disorder? Or realizing the disorder?

I didn't discover the link until 2 months after I had been thrown away.  Your mind will be like a hurricane for a while.  Dig in deep, put on your best raincoat and weather the storm, it will dissipate eventually.

[SoMadSoSad]

Been up many nights super late with my mind racing.  Still trying to unravel things... I'm curious, how long did it take you into the relationship to actually knowing the name of the disorder? Or realizing the disorder?

I didn't discover the link until 2 months after I had been thrown away.  Your mind will be like a hurricane for a while.  Dig in deep, put on your best raincoat and weather the storm, it will dissipate eventually.

How did you feel before you found out?

[rfriesen]

I didn't discover the link until 2 months after I had been thrown away.  Your mind will be like a hurricane for a while.  Dig in deep, put on your best raincoat and weather the storm, it will dissipate eventually.

I discovered this website and started putting things together a few days after the final break-up. Whatever was left of the idealisation was shattered with that final break-up, and I started searching for answers until I got here.

I'm more than seven months out now and my mind still races. I feel I've discovered a whole new range of emotions as well, some good, many bad. And I really mean it's the range that's new, not necessarily the emotions -- just new extremes of confusion, anger, hurt, despair, uncertainty about what I want, why I'm feeling so awful, etc etc. But also glimpses of hope, growth, trying new patterns in life, learning the feeling of picking myself and actually digging in and seeing my life as a whole, wanting to integrate different parts of my personality, etc.

What I've found hardest is the swings between the occasional ecstatic moments of real progress, feeling like I'm on a much better path than I've ever been (even though I was a generally happy person before this relationship), and feeling thrown back on a general listlessness and lack of focus. It's a long slog. I think the best thing is to enjoy the days that feel great (and it may take a while for any of those to come), while keeping focused on gradual improvement and the fact that real growth that has a solid foundation takes years of commitment. Put that way, it might not be the most inspirational message, but I think it helps balance out the wild swings in emotion.

[C.Stein]

Been up many nights super late with my mind racing.  Still trying to unravel things... I'm curious, how long did it take you into the relationship to actually knowing the name of the disorder? Or realizing the disorder?

I didn't discover the link until 2 months after I had been thrown away.  Your mind will be like a hurricane for a while.  Dig in deep, put on your best raincoat and weather the storm, it will dissipate eventually.

How did you feel before you found out?

Mostly numb.

[One key]

What helped me was changing point of view.

At first you think: how can somebody who can be so loving turn into somebody so mean over futilities. Than the false longing for that loving person starts. The hoping.

Better to think: how can a so mean person act occasionally love so well. Than there is no more longing. No more hoping for something that never really existed.

You just blame yourself for not seeing it quicker. With that you have to come to terms.

[jasmine-1234]

How did you feel before you found out?

I didn't really talk to anyone about our problems. The only other person who really experienced it was my brother, poor thing, who lived with us for about a month.  I feel bad for the amount of drama we put my brother through.

The thing is, I was in such a desparate place when I met him.  I think he picked up on that right away and laid on the "love" even thicker. I showed up at a bar he was at, in tears from the last break up. The previous boyfriend was sort of an emotional rock.  He was not good at showing me affection or expressing his love for me.  I showed up at this ex's doorstep unexpectedly and he turned me away. This was the perfect set up for me to fall into the BPD relationship.

And granted, my exBPD helped me in a lot of ways. I had to evict a tenant and he was the ONLY one to help me. I didn't have money to pay people to fix up the condo (and it was left a mess) and I didn't know how to do a lot of the repairs. We put weeks of work into it together, and then we were bonded.

We were also involved in a restraining order with my neighbor. It's a long story, but basically my next door neighbor was physically intimidating me.  So B got in his face!  The neighbor wound up pepper-spraying B in the face!  The police were called etc etc.
I thought it was so heroic at the time.  No one else had ever stood up to the neighbor for me at all.  

Even when I knew things were bad with B, we were involved for months with the restraining order.  I felt obligated to stay with him through the court cases. Now that I think about it, even in court he couldn't control his emotions. The judge had to ask him to sit in the back of the courtroom. But still, I felt he was my protector and my team-mate (as he would always say).

So I guess I just put up with a lot of the other things because I felt he "deserved" it for all the things he did for me.  But when I finally had enough after so many fights, he told me I used him and I was a horrible person.  I really believed that and cried so hard about it. I really wanted it to work.  I struggled on my own and the drama was so thick, I couldn't even try to begin to explain it to anyone.

[jasmine-1234]

What I've found hardest is the swings between the occasional ecstatic moments of real progress, feeling like I'm on a much better path than I've ever been (even though I was a generally happy person before this relationship), and feeling thrown back on a general listlessness and lack of focus. It's a long slog.

Yes I can see this happening. Sometimes I feel great, that I have my freedom back and my life, but like today, a small comment from a friend can send me into a long crying fit.  Just trying to take things day by day and not freak out about my entire future haha.

[rfriesen]

Yes I can see this happening. Sometimes I feel great, that I have my freedom back and my life, but like today, a small comment from a friend can send me into a long crying fit.  Just trying to take things day by day and not freak out about my entire future haha.

It's very hard to deal with the emotional swings. It's confusing and hard to see your way through it all. When you feel your mind racing, try to observe it. Just see how it spins thoughts together as a way of coping with intense emotions. I eventually realised that my mind, my ego, was a source of a lot of pain. When I would be feeling bad, my mind would start racing with all the reasons I was hurting or down or despairing. When I would start feeling good, my mind would start racing over the relationship and my life generally and would seize on the good feelings to try to build me back up, telling me that things were not only ok but actually were great and it was so wonderful to be out of the relationship and have my life back, etc etc ... .but when my mind would get carried away like that, eventually it would crash against the next wave of painful emotions, and the cycle would start over.

Understanding this all at the rational level won't magically stop it from happening. But if you find your mind racing, see if you can try just observing it. Little by little, day by day, you'll become more aware of how your mind races and often works against you. It's because you're in pain and your ego is searching for a way to build itself back up. But that can lead you down unnecessary rabbit holes. Greater self-awareness can actually hurt a little more at first, because you're more aware of your own emotional discomfort. But in the long run it leads to a lot more stability and less cycling through highs and lows. Self-awareness allows you to step back from your ego when it starts running in a million directions. Learn to observe yourself! Not easy, but you can do a little bit each day.

[jasmine-1234]

I sort of understand "self-awareness" but not quite. What would that look like?

Noticing that certain things send me into the depressing thoughts? The triggers?

[rfriesen]

I sort of understand "self-awareness" but not quite. What would that look like?

Noticing that certain things send me into the depressing thoughts? The triggers?

It can be a lot simpler than that to begin with. If you find your mind racing and/or you're having painful emotions, one thing to try is just ask yourself where in your body you feel the pain/discomfort/emotion. Then whether it has a colour or smell or size or shape. Obviously, the ultimate goal is not simply to label things in terms of colours, smells, sizes, shapes, etc. It's to give yourself a little distance from the thoughts and feelings when they're overwhelming. Anything that makes them somewhat objective and allows you to observe them from some mental distance can be a good first step.

Over time, you might come to recognize some patterns or familiar thoughts and feelings. That can be a source of strength and control. Not that you'll be able to turn thoughts and feelings on or off, but you'll recognize that you've been through the same ones before. Maybe then you can find ways to intervene -- e.g. taking up some activity, getting out for exercise, meditating, whatever it is. Maybe it's simply sitting with the uncomfortable feeling and not turning away from it. You can simply experiment with what helps.

I think the main thing is to experiment and try for yourself what works. The colours/shapes/smells/sizes suggestion is just one way to get started.