Frustrated

[aj4599]

Hi friends -

I've posted a few times about my ongoing struggles with my girlfriend who has many BPD traits but is un-diagnosed. I'm feeling so frustrated today, and had no where to turn, so I came back here.

The latest disturbing trend is that my gf will cancel plans with me as soon as something else comes up. Today is our 6 month anniversary. We are in different cities, and she was going to come to me (I go to where she lives probably 90% of the time) to celebrate.

She discovered this week that she was running out of adderall, and wanted to go to boston to refill her prescription (where she is from). She then decided while she's there, she is going out to a bar and casino with a girlfriend, rather than come see me on our anniversary. She said she'd come for a few hours tomorrow on her way back before leaving for a work trip Sunday.

This is the third week in five that we've had plans, and she's cancelled them to do something else. A month ago, we had a whole weekend worth of plans, and she got drunk one night while travelling for work and invited a male friend to come visit her. She told me she didn't want him to actually come, but he did, and she told me to leave bc she didn't want to upset him. Last weekend was more of the same. We had plans for the weekend, and her girlfriend told her she could come visit. So the plans with me got cancelled immediately.

The problem isn't just that this keeps happening (although it does constantly leave me feeling unwanted and depressed... .), but that she never even is sorry. In fact, when I say it hurt me or that I'm upset, I get either: "You're such an a@@hole for making me miserable" or "Whatever. Let's just not talk." If I suggest strategies or alternatives that would make me feel better, I get "see, you want someone who will do that, clearly I'm not the right person, let's break up" and then I spend the rest of the evening trying to address that. Of course any time I've just said "fine, let's break up" I hear from her within 24 hours.

I know I probably need to set better boundaries. I know I JADE at times. I'm reading the materials and working on them. But at the moment, I just feel so uncared for and sad and depressed its hard to remember those things. She just really knows how to make me feel like I'm not as important in her life as anything else is. And she never, ever apologizes or even really shows an interest in making me feel better when she knows I'm sad. In fact, my being sad or upset just irritates her or makes her attack me.

Sorry, I just needed to share with someone. Thanks for listening, and any responses.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[foggydew]

I can understand how you feel so well. This habit of making one feel unimportant is what causes me the most problems and is what led to me exploding one night and acting in a way I don't usually, so I find it a pretty serious topic. I would also like to know how to deal with it, as I talked to uBPD friend about it and he said he couldn't promise it wouldn't happen again. And it did, more subtley, but just as strongly.
We are meeting this week again (I believe!) to discuss the problems - he wants to as well - so I'd really be interested to hear what others say. What I don't need to do is give friend any blame or put him down because of it, but how to act when this neglect appears - changing plans, avoiding contact, silent treatment, not answering calls or mails,  preferring to talk to/partner someone else in free time activities - and still claim I'm important for him.

[jrharvey]

Is she always so ready and willing to just throw you away or is this only during certain crazy episodes? If its all the time then I hate to be blunt and say that she isn't in to you and it may be worth detaching from that cold person.

A BPD person in love may say something very hurtful and disgusting when they are emotionally disregulated but soon regret it, apologize and try to charm you back.

She sounds narcissistic.