Separated from Bpd and in the FOG

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

My partner was diagnosed a month ago after a big crisis. I moved out of our home with our child and am now supporting him while he waits for therapy. We're officially not together but he acts like we are. And we're still having crises. I'm the only support he really has and if I don't give him the hope of us being back together when he's recovered he threatens suicide. He's doing this more and more and while I desperately need a break everything seems even more intense than before. I'm scared the suicide threats are real so feel paralysed to act as I want. I'm in therapy but not sure how to get past this.

[Cheesestraw]

My partner was diagnosed a month ago after a big crisis. I moved out of our home with our child and am now supporting him while he waits for therapy. We're officially not together but he acts like we are. And we're still having crises. I'm the only support he really has and if I don't give him the hope of us being back together when he's recovered he threatens suicide. He's doing this more and more and while I desperately need a break everything seems even more intense than before. I'm scared the suicide threats are real so feel paralysed to act as I want. I'm in therapy but not sure how to get past this.

[Turkish]

Hi Cheesestraw,

I'm glad that you and your child (how old?) are safe 

Dealing with suicide threats are scary on a number of levels. I can imagine how much more so with a child to consider. How is your therapist supporting you in dealing with this? Maybe this discussion can help:

From: TOOLS: Dealing with threats of Suicide and Suicide Attempts

This Workshop will discuss the problem of threats of suicide, suicide ideation and attempts in those with BPD.

The bpdfamily protocol for suicidal ideation is outlined here:

https://bpdfamily.com/discussions/search-info3.htm 

How To Be Helpful to Someone Who Is Threatening Suicide

• Be direct. Talk openly and matter-of-factly about suicide.



• Be willing to listen. Allow expressions of feelings. Accept the feelings.



• Be non-judgmental. Don't debate whether suicide is right or wrong, or whether feelings are good or bad. Don't lecture on the value of life.



• Get involved. Become available. Show interest and support.



• Don't dare him or her to do it.



• Don't act shocked. This will put distance between you.



• Don't be sworn to secrecy. Seek support.



• Offer hope that alternatives are available but do not offer glib reassurance.



• Take action. Remove means, such as guns or stockpiled pills.



• Get help from persons or agencies specializing in crisis intervention and suicide prevention.

www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org

I'm sorry that this feels paralysing, as it's a lot to deal with. What acts that you want to do is the FOG keeping you from?

Turkish

[Beacher]

I'm sorry you are going through this. My BPD husband has threatened this several times. I finally showed him how serious this has to be taken although he back pedaled  and said his therapist told him " people who threaten suicide rarely do". This is the biggest piece of Bologna I have ever heard and am sure he is making it up. I suggested I would go with him to a facility where maybe he can spend a weekend or some more time to help deal with the pressure and people that is causing him to say these things. That I love him and care about him and worry when he says this. He has not mentioned it again.

Be kind to yourself and allow him time to adjust to life without you. I listen to him and validate his feelings while also telling him that I am hurting too. They seem to forget that! Stay strong and know you are not responsible for his behavior. Take care of you!

[Cheesestraw]

Thanks for your replies. Beacher, I've shown him how serious this is by calling the police several times. The second time he had a scuffle with them and was charged with assaulting a police officer (I think unfairly actually) and the third time he was classed as a missing person. If it happens again I fear he'll be hospitalised and lose his job, if not actually killing himself. He's flirting with overdoses and has had a really difficult life.

Thanks Turkish. I'll have a look at the link. My daughter is 2 and loves her dad. Re the fear and obligation, I desperately want a holiday. To visit family abroad for a few weeks. But he makes me feel horrible for taking his daughter away for three weeks. I have another family holiday planned for summer so that would be five weeks. He'll kick and scream against me going. and the guilt of considering moving on... .saying we'll coparent and be friends but no more... .that seems impossible. He says he wouldn't be able to cope seeing me move onand he might as well leave the country /die (alternating threats)... .so then I give him the hope of us being together if he can recover.

[sweetheart]

I have moved this thread to the Deciding or Conflicted board to ensure that it gets as much support as possible.

Here is a link to the thread https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=291605.0

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Cheesestraw, Welcome!  It's clear that he is using FOG (fear, obligation and guilt) in an attempt to manipulate you.  I like your idea of taking a break out of the country, which will give you a chance to regroup.  My BPDxW threatened to kill herself many times (10-15) so I understand how stressful it is.  In some ways, the threat of suicide is the ultimate manipulation; though that may sound harsh, it's true in my experience.  My Ex was just crying wolf but there was always that lingering fear that maybe this time she was serious.  Very stressful, I know!  I went to the mental health unit at the local hospital because I was so upset and didn't know what to do.  They encouraged me to get her to see a therapist or call 911 if necessary.  There's no easy answer, yet I came to see it as a cry for help and attention, rather than an intention to end her life.  My only suggestion is to start practicing detachment and disengagement from his issues.

LuckyJim

[Cheesestraw]

Thanks Lucky Jim. Trouble is his life is such a mess that I can see why he would feel he's had enough if he loses any hope of us working out. He adores his daughter and wants to get better for her and me. He's on a waiting list for therapy and seems to genuinely want to work on his mental health. I feel like it may be too late... .I'm exhausted by our relationship and want a healthy one, and he's alienated my whole family. But I also feel he has a good though damaged heart and don't want to be the one to make him give up on life. Maybe he wouldn't kill himself, but I'd understand if he did. I feel so trapped.

[Grey Kitty]

Hi there, Cheesestraw,

It has been a couple more days since you moved out, and all this stuff is overwhelming.

How are you feeling today?

How is your child handling the change?

[Cheesestraw]

Hi Grey Kitty,

Thanks. I'm OK. I guess I just have to be supportive while he waits for therapy and then see how things go. Our daughter is OK, she says 'daddy' a lot so must be wondering where he is, but we see him twice a week so I'm making sure they see eachother when he's in an OK place emotionally.

[Grey Kitty]

How do things go when you do see him?

Are you in frequent phone or online contact with him between visits?