2 months in. Still hurting, now I need validation

[Esquared]

It's been two months since xBPD (presumably) dumped me. I've remained strict NC since that day. She replaced me within a week with a much older guy and in that time, I learned that she cheated multiple times in our relationship.

I was on top of the world during our relationship, and she dotted over me and everything I did. We hardly ever fought, though she would act angry when she didn't get her way about little things.

I still feel like this is somehow my fault. That I wasn't validating or attentive enough (we saw each othe 3-4 times a week and texted daily). She would get upset if I didn't respond quick enough, or if I wanted to spend one weekend with my family.

I'm not saying I was perfect or couldn't have done a couple of things better to maybe validate her. But my mind is constantly searching for ways I could have prevented this from happening, and wishing I was good enough to make it work.

What scares me so much is that now I'm the one who needs validation. I'm the one who has constantly feelings of unworthiness. I'm the one who feels emotionally needy. I don't act out, but it's incredibly frustrating and I would do anything to have those good times back.

[once removed]

hi Esquared and

when a person is abandoned in such a fashion, it really takes a toll; its surreal. and its natural to replay events in your head, either colored by extreme self doubt, or the other extreme, anger at the person that hurt you. or both.

no one that is cheated on does anything to deserve it. logically i think most of us know that, yet "what did i do to deserve it" is still a common, haunting thought. i could probably repeat it a hundred times for you, remind you that a relationship takes two, and it wouldnt erase your feelings of self doubt; you may essentially be conditioned to hear her complaints on a loop. this is a profound wound that will take time, and TLC to heal, but it does get better, i promise.

it might do you some good to bring some balance to these thoughts. when i wrote "the list" of all the things i disliked about my ex and my relationship with her, it was a real turning point and they began to sink in.

are you seeing a therapist? i can assure you that you are worthy, and im glad that you have taken the step of reaching out for help.

[Mutt]

Hi esquared,



A lot of us can relate with guilt when we lose someone that we cared about, you may say to yourself "if only"  "If only I had tried harder," I'd like to echo once removed with writing things down, it helps to challenge these thoughts that keep is us trapped with thoughts that are closer to reality "Am I really responsible for her infidelity?"

[Esquared]

Thank you Once Removed and Mutt. I am seeing a therapist and it's keeping me relatively sane.

I guess it's just a matter of "How did it come to this?" I was pretty confident, happy, fufilled, and in control of my emotions. Now I'm a lonely, wreck, filled with self-doubt.

I'm going to try writing the list (it's a little weird, because my ex at one point said she enjoyed writing down all the things she liked about me. I'm assuming there's a similar list of things she disliked.)

There were very few major things I disliked about the relationship. But she said and did a lot of things, out of the blue, that just felt off and inappropriate. Nothing that on its own that would be a dealbreaker. But a lot of stuff that seemed nice on a superficial level, but gave me a very bad feeling in my gut.

And you're right, if I saw this story as an outsider, I would say "of course it's not your fault!" But I guess when I'm lonely and missing her, it's like logic goes out the window and I missed out on a gem because I wasn't good enough.

[Rayban]

 I learned that she cheated multiple times in our relationship.

This is what you should keep your mind on. It's not about what you could have done.  This was not about you. This is about willing to be available when you're number is called.

You have to keep working on understanding that this person cheated on you. The heart thinks about the feel good moments. She seems normal for a while. As you will feel closest, she will find a way that hurts you the most and push away.

You know she has cheated on you. If you decide to go back, she will disrespect you by continuing to do what you would be willing to accept.

I'm going to be brunt. Through out your relationship,  there have been other guys around. This will not change.  If you accept her cheating,  expect to having other guys in the picture.

Save yourself a lot of pain.  This is the time for you to ask your therapist why you desire a woman who has cheated on you. Speak to you're best friends,  maybe close family.  

I believe she knows you are still attached.  It's a matter of time before she contacts you. Ask yourself what is really right for you.  She's going to do what ever it takes to get you back in. You will believe that you can try harder, and this time it will be different. If she is untreated she will not change her behaviour.  The other guy won't dissapear.  If anything you will be once again in competition for her time.  
  
You deserve better. She cheated once and she will cheat again. That's what should be cocentrating on.

  

[lovenature]

wishing I was good enough to make it work.

No one is ever "good enough" to make it work; the saddest part of the disorder is the closer you get, the more you are pushed away.

We loose ourselves in these relationships by constantly trying to make sense of the senseless and rationalize the irrational, the longer you remain NC the clearer things become. It won't be a linear recovery, and it will be extremely painful, but coming out the other side will be far and away better than living the BPD rollercoaster.