Missing exBPD

[Depression = 72% of members]

Its been 1-2 months since we split and Im really missing her still and thinking of texting her to ask how she is. She moved out, and said we could stay friends but after collecting some extra things and saying lets talk soon I have not heard from her at all for about a month.

I keep thinking about her all the time and she was going to therapy and I think going to get a bit better and I really miss her.

We did have terrible times, and I have depression myself now.

Whats best to do?

Also she used to call me a 'pet name' which I liked, kinda made me feel like a father figure, and now I dont know if I should call myself it or try never to mention it again, its weird, its like Ive lost some identity and still want to be that person... .should I forget this pet name/personality ?

[Woods77]

Its been 1-2 months since we split and Im really missing her still and thinking of texting her to ask how she is. She moved out, and said we could stay friends but after collecting some extra things and saying lets talk soon I have not heard from her at all for about a month.

I keep thinking about her all the time and she was going to therapy and I think going to get a bit better and I really miss her.

We did have terrible times, and I have depression myself now.

Whats best to do?

Also she used to call me a 'pet name' which I liked, kinda made me feel like a father figure, and now I dont know if I should call myself it or try never to mention it again, its weird, its like Ive lost some identity and still want to be that person... .should I forget this pet name/personality ?

[fromheeltoheal]

Whats best to do?

It depends on what the goal is Woods.  You aren't communicating with your ex, and if the goal is to emotionally detach from her and the relationship, then it's best to continue not communicating with her, and to use the thoughts you're having as a tool to become more self aware.  It's normal to ruminate, think thoughts of our exes, over and over once the relationship, our brain trying to make sense of the world again after what we've been through, and do you notice any patterns in those thoughts?  When thoughts of her come up, try and have the thought without the corresponding emotion that would come up, stand off to the side of that and watch it as it floats by, but try and notice patterns, which can be illuminating.  And as you move forward with your detachment, which you will, the thoughts and the patterns will change, all part of the process.

What was that pet name, if you want to tell us, and how did it make you feel?  You mention it gave you an identity that felt good, you're not going to want to let go of that identity, but you can use what the pet name elicited from you to dig and find out why, what it means to you, how you can use it.  What if everything happens for a reason and it serves us? 

[Woods77]

Thanks. I guess I'll and detach from my feelings like you said.

I can't help but feel I want to get her back, she had just started therapy too but cheated and didn't seem sorry really, just guilty (she told me, then next day I ended it)

I'm thinking maybe I should try again with her because I feel so empty now? I feel worse now than ever.

[fromheeltoheal]

Hi Woods-

Thanks. I guess I'll and detach from my feelings like you said.

If that's what you choose to do there are very specific steps; check out the stages of detachment over there --------->

I can't help but feel I want to get her back, she had just started therapy too but cheated and didn't seem sorry really, just guilty (she told me, then next day I ended it)

I'm thinking maybe I should try again with her because I feel so empty now? I feel worse now than ever.

Yes, I understand, it's common to have those feelings early in our detachment.  You could try and reestablish the relationship, and consider this: you would be reentering a relationship with someone who has a diagnosed mental illness and was unfaithful to you, in order to fill up that emptiness inside.  Does it make more sense to dig and find out where that emptiness comes from and develop more empowering ways to fill yourself up?

[Woods77]

I have read those stages I seem to change all the time.

Why do you think she has stopped all contact after saying to still be friends? It's weird.

[Woods77]

Also I'm currently jobless so I have too much time to think

[fromheeltoheal]

I have read those stages I seem to change all the time.

Why do you think she has stopped all contact after saying to still be friends? It's weird.

Could be a few reasons, impossible to know, although borderlines don't like to lose an attachment, so in that sense she would be motivated to retain an emotional connection with you regardless of what the circumstances are.  And really, would you be happy with "friends" or would you want more?  I don't know all the details of your story Woods, but it's still best to decide what you want and pursue that: if you want a relationship with her, go get her, if she's even available and with all that entails, and if you don't, commit to detaching, which includes shifting the focus from her to you and from the past to the future, as fast as you can, although that typically can't be rushed, it's a matter of feeling your way through it, and it's helpful to have a goal to aim for if you get off track.  Take care of you!