I'm so lost

[stressedwife123]

I'm not sure where to begging and may sound like I'm just babbling. I have been married 10 really long years(feels like 100). My husband was. Wet charming at first and good to me, shortly after we where married a lot of things started to show but I chose to be the victim and take blame and apologize profusely everytime he got upset at me for absolutely no good reason. Soon after our marriage I became pregnant and it just seemed to get worse I wanted to leave but now I had a child on the way and I was very young. I never new what was wrong with him until recently. Allthough he's never been officially diagnosed he show almost every single one of the sign of having BPD. Now here are some of my major problem he is allways threatening divorce a fight can't just be a normal fight it has to be extremely dramatic. My young son started talking to me the way his father does and has been increasengly harder and harder to deal with. Any advice on how to deal with this? Hope all of this makes sense

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[VitaminC]

Hi stressedwife,

I'm sorry for the stress that brings you here. You make perfect sense, don't worry. Many of us will understand you almost exactly as we've been in similar enough situations. We know how hard it can be and how it can wear you down over time.

So your child is around 9 or 10? Can you give an example of what you mean by his speaking to you the same way as your husband? How is his relationship with his dad?

"... .here are some of my major problem he is allways threatening divorce, a fight can't just be a normal fight it has to be extremely dramatic. "

How do you react when he ups the ante like this? It's not nice at all to be at the receiving end of this kind of behaviour. Does it surprise you when it happens?

One thing that might help immediately is to have a look at this workshop: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=118892.0
It's about not adding fuel to the fire, so to speak. About keeping yourself calm and stepping out of the immediate drama - because those kinds of irrational fights can often escalate and then pretty soon you don't even know what's being fought about anymore.
So, the idea is to not JADE - which is short for Justify, Argue, Defend, Explain.

Once you've made a little space for thinking for yourself, you can consider next steps.

Look it over and tell us what you think. Keep posting, stressedwife, it helps.

All the best,
VC

[Meili]

Hey SW, I want to join VC in welcoming you to the family. As VC said, we all have at least some understanding of what you're saying because we've been there too.

In addition to VC's advice regarding not JADE'ing and the workshop, I'd like to direct your attention to a short 3 Minute Lesson on Ending Conflict that might provide you with a great starting point.

There are also a lot of other great tools in the sidebar to the right that can help you learn more effective ways to navigate these troubled waters.

Most of us find it helpful to discuss our respective situations and vent the frustrations to others who have an understanding of what we are experiencing. Unless someone has been in similar situation, that person cannot really understand what a non goes through. So, I would encourage you to post more about your situation. It can also be cathartic to read the threads of others and share in their journey.

If you have any questions, please ask. There's a really good chance that someone here has already experienced something similar to what you are.

[stressedwife123]

So my older 1 is around that age I'm talking about my younger 1 who is about 7 he speaks very disrespectful towards me yells and tells me he doesn't have to listen to me, sometimes he will tell me he doesn't love me. When he doesn't get his way he will threaten to break something or if in public he will threaten to yell and embarrass me.he has a very close relationship with his father and thinks he's the coolest and can do no wrong.
My older one sees him for who is and has a very cautious relationship with him. But she still loves him.

He's taking this divorce thing further than normal and I really don't want a divorce. He usually not serious and in the past I would give into the drama and act like someone I don't recognize (lunatic) and beg him to stay. But this time around I have been staying very calm and cool and collected. We have only been communicating via text. He tells me tonight he wants to tell the kids and asks me if I opened my own credit cards so he can cancel our joint ones. I think these are all threats but I'm really just unsure anymore.




quote author=VitaminC link=topic=300728.msg12815016#msg12815016 date=1478218151]
Hi stressedwife,

I'm sorry for the stress that brings you here. You make perfect sense, don't worry. Many of us will understand you almost exactly as we've been in similar enough situations. We know how hard it can be and how it can wear you down over time.

So your child is around 9 or 10? Can you give an example of what you mean by his speaking to you the same way as your husband? How is his relationship with his dad?

"... .here are some of my major problem he is allways threatening divorce, a fight can't just be a normal fight it has to be extremely dramatic. "

How do you react when he ups the ante like this? It's not nice at all to be at the receiving end of this kind of behaviour. Does it surprise you when it happens?

One thing that might help immediately is to have a look at this workshop: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=118892.0
It's about not adding fuel to the fire, so to speak. About keeping yourself calm and stepping out of the immediate drama - because those kinds of irrational fights can often escalate and then pretty soon you don't even know what's being fought about anymore.
So, the idea is to not JADE - which is short for Justify, Argue, Defend, Explain.

Once you've made a little space for thinking for yourself, you can consider next steps.

Look it over and tell us what you think. Keep posting, stressedwife, it helps.

All the best,
VC

[/quote]

[Meili]

It almost sounds like he's stepping things up because he's not getting the nirmak, emotional response that he has become used to receiving. It sounds like a four year old pushing the boundaries further to test them. DOES that sound right to you?

It's a difficult position to be in no matter what. I hate to ask this, but are you protecting yourself in case he's serious?

Also, we have a board here for parenting that you might want to post on regarding your kid.

[Kelli Cornett]

In normal healthy r/s divorce is something that's very rarely talked about, and only comes up as a last resort when everything else has tried and failed.
In a BPD r/s threats of divorce are frequent, and used as a control/manipulation tool to control the non.

This is very common and you can't allow your partner to control you with these threats and allow them to see that they've caused a reaction with you, as doing so will only prove to them that they're effective and that they work.

In the end, he may file and he may not have any intention of doing so at this point. Just don't allow those threats to cause a reaction to him, as that's exactly what he's trying to do.

[stressedwife123]

I hope so I texted him last night the following:

The reason I have not answered you i have been doing a lot of thinking and I would like to keep our family together, maybe there is a way to meet in the middle somehow to make me happy and you happy.

Was that a bad idea, he has yet to answer me

In normal healthy r/s divorce is something that's very rarely talked about, and only comes up as a last resort when everything else has tried and failed.
In a BPD r/s threats of divorce are frequent, and used as a control/manipulation tool to control the non.

This is very common and you can't allow your partner to control you with these threats and allow them to see that they've caused a reaction with you, as doing so will only prove to them that they're effective and that they work.

In the end, he may file and he may not have any intention of doing so at this point. Just don't allow those threats to cause a reaction to him, as that's exactly what he's trying to do.

[Meili]

I don't think that offering to talk or compromise is ever a bad idea.

Are you prepared for a negative and/or hurtful response?

[stressedwife123]

Not really, we are now sitting across from each other in our living room, he still pretending I don't exist not sure what to do next. I'm so tired of this already it been going on since Sunday evening like this.

I don't think that offering to talk or compromise is ever a bad idea.

Are you prepared for a negative and/or hurtful response?

[stressedwife123]

So I opened texted him that I'm not ignoring him and that I'm only giving him space, and when he's ready I'm here to talk.
He responded by actualy talking to me and said "there is nothing to talk about and the marriage is over." He then went on today ima wonderful person and he doesn't want to hurt me but he needs to move on. Then he told me he's going to tell our kids today. I responded that I think it's mistake and I won't be the one hurt by it I can move on, the kids on the other hand will get very hurt. I ended it by saying if he changes his mind I'll be waiting with open arms and I walked away while he said a bunch of other things that I did not hear. Any advice on what to do next?

Not really, we are now sitting across from each other in our living room, he still pretending I don't exist not sure what to do next. I'm so tired of this already it been going on since Sunday evening like this.

I don't think that offering to talk or compromise is ever a bad idea.

Are you prepared for a negative and/or hurtful response?

[Meili]

The best advice that I've ever seen around here is to focus on being the best you that you can be. This has three great benefits:

1. It makes you incredibly attractive, thus giving you the best chance at keeping him from walking away;
2. If you can save the relationship, it puts you in the best position to help transition it into something healthier; and
3. If he does walk away, you'll be in the best position to move on in a healthy manner.

It's a win-win for you.

[Kelli Cornett]

Take care of yourself and your kids. This is a really sucky place to be, and I know it hurts.

Regarding saving the relationship and having him take you back, you should be aware of some facts with BPD r/s. Right now you're being devalued and discarded, which is the diametric opposite of the idealization phase that you experienced in the beginning of the r/s that was so incredible and enticing. Once you've been 'split' in this way and painted black, your husband might decide he wants you back at some point... that's called the 'recycle'. Without your husband going into T and working on some kind of behavior T techniques for dealing with his PD, he will most likely dysregulate again, split again, and devalue and discard you again. Only this time the cycle is usually faster than the one(s) that came before it, and it tends to become more drastic and painful for the non.

Now is a great time to establish some boundaries with him. It will make things better for you as it draws a clear line regarding what behaviors are unacceptable to you, and starts teaching him that he's not free to treat/talk to you in ways that are hurtful and disrespectful.