Is it BPD or Narcissism?

[izzitme]

I am sad and wounded again.  It has been weeks of being torn down and blamed for it by my fiancé.  He has ended his relationship with his son and doesn't see that he is the cause of the breakdown.  He is claiming that he is a victim and abused by the child.  I can tell you that he wasn't.  This kid is a model child, everything you would want in a son, but he reacts verbally to his father's constant putdowns.  My fiancé had enough and threw him out, taking zero blame and adopting the martyr, victim role.  He never takes blame for his actions or behavior, he says it is always our fault.  It has been weeks of him putting me and my children down, blaming us for relationship issues.  When we point to how his behavior is a factor, he cries, gets passive aggressive and pulls away, sometimes for days.  He wants 100% support, but when I tell him that he is wrong with certain aspects regarding his teenaged son, he rages on me.  Is it common for someone with BPD to blame others with a refusal to take any ownership for their behavior or is that more in line with a narcissist?  I am so down right now from the constant attacks and belittling.  My birthday got ruined and the blame was put on me.  I am starting to lose my grip on what reality is because of his spin of what the truth is.  Is that always common with someone with BPD?  They take reality and distort it so much that you don't know what to believe anymore?  I need help and guidance, I can't live with another attack, I am about out of strength.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[bobcat2014]

I am sorry you are hurting. Hang in there. Understand what BPD/NPD is and use the tools to navigate this trip to OZ.

All BPD are narcissistic, but all narcissists are not BPD. There are several overlaps between the two and one size doesn't fit all with pinpointing abnormal psychology.

Why so sure about his childhood abuse ( or lack of)?

[BowlOfPetunias]

Blame shifting is very common among BPDs.  They can't admit to themselves they are wrong.  Wrong people are 100% bad.  Right people are 100% good.  If they were wrong about anything, that means they are in the 100% bad category.  They feel much better if there is a scapegoat to paint black so they can be the good guy.

Example:  About a year ago, we were driving back from vacation.  While I was driving, my wife used her phone to find a place for us to eat later in the trip and put it into GPS.  The kids were watching a loud movie, so we couldn't really talk.  She asked me if I really wanted to have a beer with dinner.  I said yes, not thinking it was a big deal.  We stopped to switch drivers and the service at D&:) was slow.  When I got back to the car, she was in a rage because the kids had been fighting.  Shortly after she began driving, she started yelling at me because I wanted to go to a restaurant we could not afford--even thought she picked it out!  I didn't even know the name of the place.  I pointed this out to her.  She responded that she had asked if I really wanted to go there.  No, she asked if I wanted a beer with dinner.  Oh, that is what she meant.  Oh, and I should apologize for getting defensive--even though I was attacked without provocation for something she did.  The fight went on and on.  She told me she would stop yelling if I dropped it.  I dropped it, and she kept yelling at me about it.  She turned off the highway and I thought we were going to switch drivers again.  Instead, she spent at least half an hour driving in the wrong direction while continuing to yell at me.  Naturally, she blamed me for her mistake--I should have told her we were going the wrong way in the midst of her yelling at me.  It wasn't her fault for, you know, choosing where she was driving.

Whenever we had a fight, she would always insist that I apologize--even when I was doing nothing more than defending myself.  Things have changed, and she doesn't insist on me taking responsibility.  This is partially because of couples therapy, getting her into her own therapy and psychiatrist, and my (still imperfect) refusal to take the fight bait.  (It would have been hard not to fight back in the car trip, however, since I could not leave.)

[bobcat2014]

I am sad and wounded again.  It has been weeks of being torn down and blamed for it by my fiancé.   

They take reality and distort it so much that you don't know what to believe anymore?  I need help and guidance, I can't live with another attack, I am about out of strength.

I extracted two key points of your post. One is the fact that he is your fiance, not husband. This opportunuity should be used to clearly evlauate what YOU want going forward. Know for sure, these folks do not change. Therapy, meds are all band aids. Over time they will resent someone else for their own unhappiness. I know this all to well and it is very lonely.

Distorting the truth. Classic BPD hallmark. They have to have the "truth" match their feelings. They have little capacity to accept any shame or blame do to core emotional trauma. Adult child, if you will, and a spoiled brat.

Again, it is NOT you that makes his rage and behavior.

[jrharvey]

I don't know much more about your husband but he sounds narcissistic from your post. Most borderlines can act very narcissistic at times though.

[dacoming]

It's possible and maybe even likely that it's both.  My uBPD meets nearly all of the criteria for BPD and a lot of narcissism too.  I've taken online quizzes on her behalf based off what I see and she passes with flying colors in my opinion.  A past psychiatrist suggested OCD a possibility as well.