Caretaking elderly 88 year old mom

[TelHill]

My mom with BPD needs physical caretaking and I am living with her for a few months. I have not lived with her for over 35 years. I am having a lot of stress being with her. This is nothing new and could handle it when I lived on my own, but I was always the kid she picked on. Hearing it every day and trying to remain calm is hard. She has gone into my room and either taken or thrown away some of my nicer things. I have to hide these things from her. As a teen I had no nice things, so this is new. She does not have dementia. I believe this is a BPD symptom. Thanks for reading!

[HappyChappy]

Hi TelHill,

It must be very difficult moving back with your mother. Especially as you were the scapegoat, the one she picked on. Is it essential you live with her, or can you do day visits or employ a carer ?

My BPD mother and NPD bro use to steal things l liked. My NPD bro would also try and frame my sister for doing it. It’s part of how they try to kick things off,  just trying to wind us up. I catalogued some of my items as a child, the catalogued items didn’t go missing.  Or you could tell your mom you really enjoying collecting rubbish, and that’s one less job for you.

Welcome to the board. Please feel free post questions or get a view on your BPD behaviour.

[TelHill]

Thanks for your response. Unfortunately, I am here until March at the latest. I am looking at a late January date as the ideal. I am looking to make a major move and need to take care of many personal and business matters. I am not happy your items were stolen at all. This is the first time she has had access to my personal belongings. I have known all my life she has had major problems, but taking and perhaps throwing away my personal belongings is very jarring to me as it new to me. If I may say I really do not love her anymore. Being far away for many years and making occasional visits kept the relationship going and gave me back my sanity. Now, I do not want to have anything to do with her.  I know I sound like a terrible person. But this is the way it is. I simply throw my hands up. I will fake things out until I leave. Ugh. I really hate her. Thanks for listening.

[Naughty Nibbler]

TelHill:   

I'd like to join HappyChappy in welcoming you! You won't be able to change your mom, but you can change the way you react and interact with her.  There is a lot of good strategy here, that you could find helpful.  Check out the links to the upper right of this post.

Have you thought about possible locking some items in a suitcase or getting some type of storage trunk (with padlock) to use at you mom's house to lock up the type of items your mom is apt to take?  Even if you don't use something suitable to deter a seasoned thief, just presenting a situation where she would have to cut off a padlock (or break into a locked suitcase) might stop some of her actions.  If you have your own vehicle at our mom's house, you might want to use the trunk for for some items that are of value to you, but not to someone who might break into the trunk of a car.

What other disturbing behavior does your mom exhibit?  Some of the communication strategies could help you tame some of your mom's behavior from your prospective.  The links below that relate to validation and stopping arguments might help you.

VALIDATION

VALIDATION - DON'T INVALIDATE

AVOID CIRCULAR ARGUMENTS