Ex now claims son is acting out, we have court next Thrusday

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

In recap, my step daughter was found to be lying about me, the District Attorney wants to dismiss that case from DHS, however now my BPD ex is claiming my son is acting out, which is slightly true. After this last investigation from DHS he started to wet the bed a few times. He made a threat at school to choke someone as well and gets upset when he doesn't do a task right. He is 6 years old. She is claiming that his behavior is consistent with a child that witnessed domestic violence and will try to go for full custody. In our divorce court she had admitted to the judge that she assaulted me in front of the kids however, now she wants to put the blame on me, and because of CPS being involved it is a different Judge for child custody reasons. She had also given me a black eye and that is documented but she is good at placing blame. In court we showed how over two years she was telling me I was a great father when we were separated but she claimed this was the only thing she could do to calm me down and it was because she was worried about the kids being with me. It seemed to cancel all those messages she sent saying how lucky the kids are to have me. The letter to my attorney says that CPS brought up the possibility of parental alienation from her (Likely because I made a big deal of it) that she has video's of my son to show his encounters with me (Likely videos she records at her house asking him questions since her and I have no contact). Has anyone experienced this? I talked to the police detective about this before and he said the courts usually see that as a bad thing, but others are saying to talk to my son and record his responses to things as well. What have you guys experienced with the BPD person videotaping the kids saying bad things about you for court?

[Ove120062]

In recap, my step daughter was found to be lying about me, the District Attorney wants to dismiss that case from DHS, however now my BPD ex is claiming my son is acting out, which is slightly true. After this last investigation from DHS he started to wet the bed a few times. He made a threat at school to choke someone as well and gets upset when he doesn't do a task right. He is 6 years old. She is claiming that his behavior is consistent with a child that witnessed domestic violence and will try to go for full custody. In our divorce court she had admitted to the judge that she assaulted me in front of the kids however, now she wants to put the blame on me, and because of CPS being involved it is a different Judge for child custody reasons. She had also given me a black eye and that is documented but she is good at placing blame. In court we showed how over two years she was telling me I was a great father when we were separated but she claimed this was the only thing she could do to calm me down and it was because she was worried about the kids being with me. It seemed to cancel all those messages she sent saying how lucky the kids are to have me. The letter to my attorney says that CPS brought up the possibility of parental alienation from her (Likely because I made a big deal of it) that she has video's of my son to show his encounters with me (Likely videos she records at her house asking him questions since her and I have no contact). Has anyone experienced this? I talked to the police detective about this before and he said the courts usually see that as a bad thing, but others are saying to talk to my son and record his responses to things as well. What have you guys experienced with the BPD person videotaping the kids saying bad things about you for court?

[livednlearned]

That's a lot to go through, Ove120062. I feel for you

Any chance you can get an objective MMPI-2 psychiatric evaluation of both parents? If so, and she comes out with a personality disorder, you would need an expert witness to testify about the impacts of BPD on child development. BPD and parental alienation tend to go hand in hand.

My N/BPDx also accused me of parental alienation, altho he did not record S15 saying things. What helped me was having a third-party witness (parenting coordinator) who was a child psychologist. She testified that S15's behavior was not consistent with parental alienation, and in fact seemed to be the opposite.

What have you learned about the judge and courts for cases like yours? That is usually one of the things a lawyer brings to your case -- knowledge of the judge and past history with these cases.

The most important thing, I found, is to approach court like a problem-solver. Most judges preside over high-conflict cases like ours and see the same dynamic over and over. (Bill Eddy says that 20 percent of all high-conflict cases that go to court have at least one parent with a personality disorder). They see two adults who can't solve their way out of a box day in, day out. You have to show that you are there to solve problems, not get overly defensive (while also setting the record straight). It's a balancing act.

When a problem-solver shows up in court, it is very noticeable. If your ex accuses you of parental alienation, one strategy is to show up in court and have your attorney say, "Parental alienation is a form of abuse, your honor. My client asks that both parents take a psychiatric evaluation and attend parenting classes, with the child attending therapy -- my client will provide a list of 3 therapists approved by the courts, and ex can select which one the child will attend. My client and the mother will meet separately with the therapist and each will be responsible for taking the child to therapy rotating weeks.

Or something like that. I found the most important thing was to be the problem solver, and whenever we proposed anything in court, my L always suggested consequences for non-compliance. Because people with PDs have a very hard time with being controlled, especially if it seems to be coming from you through a judge. Your ex will not be able to comply, and you don't want the judge to give her three and four bites at the apple. You want the judge to look at the order and say, "It looks like the parties agreed to get a psychiatric eval within 30 days, and failure to comply by such and such a date meant xyz. So Mrs. Ove, you need to do xyz." A typical consequence might be that if she has not complied with the court's orders within 30 days and you have to file a motion for contempt of court, then she is responsible for legal bills. Of course, you have to write it as tho it applies to both parties, except you will of course comply and she will have a hard time with that.

Court tends to tolerate bad behavior between parents, and has a very hard time figuring out who is telling the truth, especially when both sides are saying bad things about the other. However, when one party repeatedly does not comply with court orders, it is a red flag. Any evidence you have (and try to have as much documentation as you can -- the recordings seem wise to me, if only to level the playing field) will start to tell the more clear story. Your demeanor in court will tell another story. Don't get remotely mad, agree to counseling for yourself if it will help you son, stay focused on what is best for the child, don't roll your eyes or get upset when the other L is talking, etc. Remember that the judge is considered the supreme witness in a case, and so they tend to give "assignments" to see how the two of you will respond. You will do everything the judge says, and she will not. That is how you can turn a losing strategy on its head, but you have to be patient and use the court's own (often unspoken) rules to your advantage.

My ex is a former trial lawyer and I had to pay close attention to how court works. If I stayed focus on his tactics, I would've been on the defensive and never develop my own strategy. You have to use the shortcomings of the PD and work them into the strategy and tactics, otherwise the courts fail us.

LnL

[ForeverDad]

When I first separated and we both had filed allegations, the court ordered us both to get psych evals to be shared with both lawyers.  My PE was an hour or two with a graduate student from a local university.  Nothing custody or parenting related, stunning.  In my area that's all it is, the in depth process is a custody evaluation that can take months.

I complied and I presume my lawyer shared the results, to this day I don't know whether she did because we didn't get anything.

While a typical psych eval can point the professionals in the right direction, it is a custody evaluation - a solid evaluation by a very experienced, reputable and perceptive evaluator - which has the most impact.  (Be forewarned, an easily conned, biased or inexperienced custody evaluator can derail your case.  So when choosing a CE, get the best you can.)

What is a psych eval in your state? ... .too often psych evals are a couple tests and a short interview, mine was conducted by a grad student from a local university and it said I suffered from anxiety.  Yeah, no kidding, I could have told anyone that!  Both of us were ordered to take them and the results were ordered to be made available to both lawyers but I never heard whether my then-spouse ever took hers.  (Lesson: Don't hand over anything too quickly if you're expecting something similar in return, say "We're ready to EXCHANGE the ordered information."  In other words, don't give away information or your leverage for compliance.  Rather, use it wisely so as not to enable the other or put yourself at a disadvantage when you don't have to.)

[Ove120062]

Both of those are great. Thank you so much for the insight. I have friends who have said, "It seems you are always on defense. What can you do to be on offense". That is great advice. Thank you so very very much.