Damage

[Larmoyant]

I've come a long way in the last 9 months or so and there are days now when I believe that I can survive anything new that is thrown at me. Prior to this I was scared that one more thing and I'd die.

This BPD relationship left me fearful and I needed to run and hide for a while. I moved house and it was the best thing I could have done. He doesn't know where I live. It gave me peace, tranquility and a feeling of safety.

But, now I want to dip my toes in the water. I want to get back into the world yet I'm afraid. I've started to reconnect with people and have been out a few times, but I keep thinking that people can see the damage that's been done to me. I'm not the same person anymore. I used to love being in social situations and easily strike up conversations with people. I was attracted to people and they were attracted to me. But I'm not the same anymore and I'm afraid people can see all of this damage. I feel vulnerable which makes me want to retreat to safety. Has anyone experienced this and how did you overcome it? I want to help myself and get back into life.

[C.Stein]

L,

I'm damaged, perhaps permanently.  I lost something to my ex I know I will never get back.  This is a part of life, one that sucks.  We can choose to let the damage continue to impact us or we can fix the damage as best we can and carry on.  

I understand you want to get back out there but I have to question if you are really ready for it?  Feeling/being vulnerable can lead you to another dysfunctional relationship.

I think the key to getting back out there is to find peace and confidence within yourself.  Find ways to build your self-esteem, self-worth and self-confidence on your own.  The reason why I bring these particular things up is because it is all too easy to look outside of yourself (i.e. another person) to do this for you.  Given borderlines seem to excel in this area during the idealization stage would you agree that putting yourself out there right now leaves you exposed to another unhealthy attachment?

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Larmoyant, I think it's normal to be gun shy in social situations in the aftermath of a BPD r/s.  I'm changed, too, after emerging from the BPD crucible.  Yet I doubt people notice damage that may seem glaringly obvious to you.  One key for me has been to view my post-BPD life as a journey towards authenticity.  Suppose you shared that you're still recovering from a difficult break-up?  Most people have had a similar experience.  If I'm operating from my core and being true to myself, then I can be confident because even if I slip up from time to time (which I do), it reflects who I am and where I'm at.  I can laugh at myself.  I don't have to pretend the way I did when married to my BPDxW, which was exhausting.  Now, I strive to be myself and let it all hang out.  In a way, it's an easy rule to follow: just be yourself.  If you're unsure about how to proceed, suggest you listen to your gut feelings.

LuckyJim

[Larmoyant]

Thank you for your replies C.Stein and Lucky Jim,

I'm very scared that the damage is permanent. It feels like it. I also didn't express myself very well. By getting back out there I meant reconnecting with the world outside these four walls, getting a job, taking up hobbies again, not a new relationship. I can't see that happening for some time. I haven't got anything to give right now and no pride left.

Right now it feels as if I'm surviving, not living. Something's holding me back. I just feel afraid. I've been torn to pieces, who I am, physically, emotionally, spiritually and when I look in the mirror I can see that. The person looking back at me looks crushed and I'm afraid people can see how wounded I am.

He tried to obliterate me and almost succeeded, my job, career, friendships all gone. My identity as a capable, intelligent, confident person it's all gone. I need to find ways to rebuild, but I seem to keep coming up with excuses so I can stay safe. I seem to be finishing what he started. I'm not blaming him so much as blaming myself for dropping the ball on my own life. I let it go trying to be with him. It makes me feel sick and so disappointed in myself.

I sound crazy. How can I be so scared like this?

[Curiously1]

I felt similarly during my first encounter with a NPD. It was a friendship though.
The truth is, you are not damaged, you are just in the process of recovery, rediscovering yourself, becoming more of your own person and building yourself up.
I know it may feel that way but please don't shy away from others. I literally did that to an extreme. I isolated myself and did not trust others to the point that I had very shallow relationships for most of my life now. And by not trusting myself I fell into more unhealthy relationships, including those with BPD too unfortunately. I was very open and happy kind of person before things went south with my best friend but for me I found my fear of seen as damaged and less of my former self was because I mostly became dependent on him in a way and others for most of my life and I forgot about me for so long and feeling comfortable in my own skin. I always needed reassurance for things and basically this was an area where people like him could easily manipulate me for far worse than I realised. Not in an obvious dependent way but emotionally dependent way when in a relationship with others is where I struggled but often fine on my own. I was dependent on other people validating me, appreciating me and perceiving me as nothing less than perfect in order for me to see myself in a good light and not put myself down all the time which my NPD best friend continued to say to me until I broke down and could no longer trust myself at all. I completely lost myself when I was with him and I was too hard on myself too continuing to live like I was 'damaged' because of the way he treated me... and the loss of dignity/respect I had for myself during that time. I hated myself more for becoming so brainwashed and feeling so susceptible and so scared of everything because of the harm done and is why I chose to isolate myself/completely withdraw. It just gets worse if you do it that way and might fall into a deep depression. Perhaps you are doing the same and or being too hard on yourself?
I agree with C. Stein. There is still plenty everyone can improve on for the rest of their lives such as our self-esteem and self-confidence and we change and grow if we choose to continue to look at where we are more positively. The more you learn about yourself, my hope for you is that you gain a lot more trust in yourself, your own choices, and your discernment of others so that you will find that safety and peace within yourself to move forward with more bravery. Surround yourself with people you know who are supportive/always there for you to remind you that you can do this is important too. We need others in our lives and I've learnt how important this is... especially how I used to isolate myself. By not trusting others to keep me safe, the truth I found to that was mostly that I did not trust myself enough to catch myself if I ever fell again. If you trust yourself as well as feel as though you have others who you feel supported by... when you take another risk and open yourself up to new people again... you won't fear failure or that somebody can crush you the way you had been in the past whenever you are feeling scared or unsafe of something that is uncertain. You will know how to take care of yourself better, and if you continue to do so, that is enough.

[valet]

Hey Larmoyant, it might be useful to sit down and actually perform a somewhat empirical analysis of what you did pre and post relationship... .I found that when I was feeling really down on myself, it was almost like I didn't do anything at all to put myself out there. But when I really looked at the days on the calendar it turned out I was doing as much if not more than I had been prior to the relationship. The data can be telling if you're willing to to take a look.

When I saw that I was going to this and event, or hanging out with old friends on such and such day, the tension eased because I realized that I was still functioning socially. It didn't feel like I was, but I was. This helps to boost confidence too.

Hang in there. The feelings will fade. You're gonna have to power through it a bit, but remember to be compassionate with yourself in your recovery. It can't happen overnight! 

[Larmoyant]

The truth is, you are not damaged, you are just in the process of recovery, rediscovering yourself, becoming more of your own person and building yourself up.

Curiously, I was moved to tears by your response, thank you. I've pretty much isolated myself now only going out when necessary. I've only ventured out socially a few times since ending it and haven't met any new people. It's been almost 10 months now, almost a whole year and it shocks me. I've done nothing, but hide. I tried a couple of Sundays ago, went for lunch and then for a walk in the park. Saw some beautiful Schnauzers that I love and for a short while was myself again confident to go join the group and ask if I could pet the dogs, yet all the time I felt, for want of a better word, alienated. It's sad to compare myself before and after this relationship. Difficult to believe I'm not completely ruined.

Maybe if I can view things in a different way that I'm recovering instead of destroyed then I'll be ok. I am hard on myself and have a lot of negative thoughts running through my head. Maybe some CBT might help me challenge these so I can start to look at things more positively.
 
Valet, unfortunately, I really have shut myself away. Pre relationship I'd just come back from a month long holiday of a lifetime, started a postgrad training program, and decided all I needed was a man! I was happy, excited about life. It's vastly different to now. Socially, I'm now worse off than before and whilst in the relationship. In the sense that we did things together and with others, even though most of those memories are tainted with some horror or other. Still, I was out in the world, tortured, but out in the world. Now I feel tortured and alone. It's crushing.

Maybe, it's all going to be ok and I just need some more time to recover. I mean, I'm hurt here, putting more pressure on myself isn't going to help. But it's been almost 10 months now. Almost a year.

I really appreciate all of these replies. Writing this down and getting it all out really helps.

[drained1996]

Larmoyant,

I think the avenue of rediscovering oneself and recovery is a pretty accurate description of my journey.  The emotional and mental wounds of several r/s's with BPD's really did a number on me.  Making strides socially was laborious at times... .but I made myself try.  Simple things at first, and low and behold... .the more I did things, the easier they became.  Kind of like practicing something... .notice how one typically gets better when they practice something?  (credit FHTH as I'm stealing his lines)

" Pre relationship I'd just come back from a month long holiday of a lifetime, started a postgrad training program, and decided all I needed was a man! I was happy, excited about life."

That statement proclaims to me that you can be happy and successful all alone.  You and your own life had you productive and ready for growth.  Your BPD cannot steal that from you, unless you allow it to happen.  You know and understand the illness, you've seen so many things others have experienced, and you know... .there is no way any of us could have been prepared to deal with the things we did... .and now... .you know what not to accept from a partner.

You are who you were Larmoyant... .keep moving forward and doing things... .even when you might not feel like it at times.  He did not take you away from yourself... .and let's try to turn your thoughts towards you... .instead of "we"... .as there is no "we" with your BPD anymore.  I empathize, and understand where you are in the process, as I too was once there.  When "we" became ME... .I began to turn the tide that much more in my journey.  Be easy on yourself... .you are a wonderfully loving and good person... .I've read many of your posts and kept up with your journey.  Life is about YOU now... .

[valet]

Valet, unfortunately, I really have shut myself away. Pre relationship I'd just come back from a month long holiday of a lifetime, started a postgrad training program, and decided all I needed was a man! I was happy, excited about life. It's vastly different to now. Socially, I'm now worse off than before and whilst in the relationship. In the sense that we did things together and with others, even though most of those memories are tainted with some horror or other. Still, I was out in the world, tortured, but out in the world. Now I feel tortured and alone. It's crushing.

Maybe, it's all going to be ok and I just need some more time to recover. I mean, I'm hurt here, putting more pressure on myself isn't going to help. But it's been almost 10 months now. Almost a year.

I really appreciate all of these replies. Writing this down and getting it all out really helps.

You are comparing yourself to who you perceived yourself to be then to who you perceive yourself to be now. I did the same. It was a constant battle of 'why do I feel like this? why I am so disinterested, disempowered, and without passion?'.

In some ways, this is still a battle of trying to get back to the idealization phase of our relationships with our BPD partners. We are replaying the trauma... .because we must at the time—even in their absence. The thing is, we are still the people we were before in a lot of ways.

I'm not trying to rail too hard here. I think that it might be helpful to see this for you.

You're healing from a major wound to the ego... .and 10 months is not that long! This is not just an emotional injury. Literally, the way that your brain was wired to process the various signals it has encountered reached a point at which it couldn't handle the voltage. It will rewire itself, just as a broken leg heals. But this takes time, and the understanding that no recovery will happen over night.

You are not alone. It may feel that way. It certainly did for me. You must learn how to crawl again before you can walk. Do things when you have the energy, but don't push yourself too much. I found that the harder I tried to be my 'normal' self, the more shame I felt about not being that person. When I started to approach this thing like an injury, my outlook changed. This will be hard. We wouldn't have found ourselves putting up with what we did if it wasn't comfortable to us on some level. But it's a great opportunity in its own way.

[Curiously1]

Maybe, it's all going to be ok and I just need some more time to recover. I mean, I'm hurt here, putting more pressure on myself isn't going to help. But it's been almost 10 months now. Almost a year.

When I hid and isolated myself I made online friendships. That felt a lot safer at the time, and I was lucky enough to make some new online friends who also helped me out emotionally as they were often available online and just a mouse click away. I think the physical distance  helped with opening myself up again too and eventually I took baby steps in trying to open up and improve my socialising with others again in real life too.

As long as you are still connecting to people I think you are headed in the right direction. Putting too much pressure on yourself isn't going to help, you're right. Looking back at your past and knowing how happy and amazing life had been then is nice to know, however that's the past. You can start to embody that passionate side of yourself again now and in the future. Perhaps you were a little more naive back then? But now you will more capable of maintaining that positive side of yourself when you have become a much self-assured and a stronger person for yourself who won't as easily break or be crushed as you once did. To me that's the gift we get for surviving a BPD relationship. Not wishing a crappy relationship on anybody though, just saying we can become a lot stronger people and way more empathy towards others based on what we had gone through and learnt.

Be gentle with yourself. Be there for youself, literally talk to yourself (not trying to sound crazy but it works). For example, I might tell someone close to me I feel very stupid, that I have a lot to catch up on or recover from or just admit to myself something I feel insecure about or as though I shouldn't feel  that way anymore and then ask myself a question about it. Personally, meditation or talking things out with someone helps me tremendously. I might tell a friend that I am afraid of being a failure or not good enough because that would mean to me xyz or whatever ridiculous thought that had entered my mind at a time I was feeling low. I was a perfectionist, and still have those tendencies. I care about being a high achiever or being great at something and wanting to be an inspiration or admired for things . Didn't know what life was about if I didn't constantly improve and improve and improve myself in that manner... No room for faults.

A friend once told me 'Let go of the person you think you must be.'
For you I might suggest... .'Let go of the need to be perfect at socialising'

She has a disability which makes it difficult for her to find employment and I remember when she asked me if I ever thought she was a loser and stupid or valueless because of how I viewed myself ... .that hit me deep and I felt horrible about my own standards and how I was treating/pressuring myself. No I didn't think all those things about her but I can understand her question towards me. It made me re-think  how hard I was on myself through my own expectations and how I used to be and why the need to give so much pressure towards myself? Having high standards is good thing I think and especially when you feel way up there but when I crashed down hard the first time, it was incredibly hard and another reason I fell into depression and make sure I don't fall back into that kind of thinking...

As awful as my NPD friend was at emotionally bashing me everday at school, I was just as awfuland and negative towards myself  and continued the same negative mindset that I think was transferred over to me years after our friendship ended. I internalised absolute crap and yeah, it took a while to realise a lot of the stuff placed in my head wasn't who I really was.

Towards yourself there should be a balance of taking the pressure off when you find you are stressing yourself out more than you should and that it is ok to be what you describe as less than your former self. All of these challanges are just temporary, as long as you keep a positive mindset.

That negative self-talk lessened when I remind myself that I shouldn't have to be anything or a certain way right now or prove anything to feel like a lovable and valuable person and I thought about it more because of my friend. Not saying not strive, but not expect so much of yourself that you may not be able to do something as greatly or as passionately as you used to just yet because of the issues/hiccups that need addressing internally first. You will gain the energy for it later once you have rid of the remaining toxic junk that holds you back.

If you have some good people around, sometimes you'll be surprised at what wisdom they have too and ways they can comfort you as you heal. Allow others to comfort you. It doesn't matter how many months or years it has been, do everything you possibly can that you think will benefit you physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually and eventually you will get there and won't even have to compare yourself to what you used to be. You'll just be way better. Take CBT if you think that will benefit you. Replenish yourself and remove any toxicity out of your life. it's all about the time invested getting stronger and forgiving yourself for the times you weren't as there for yourself or didn't know what you know now or how to handle things better. You have been through a lot. It's ok to let go of all the pressure you give yourself.

[C.Stein]

I tried a couple of Sundays ago, went for lunch and then for a walk in the park. Saw some beautiful Schnauzers that I love and for a short while was myself again confident to go join the group and ask if I could pet the dogs, yet all the time I felt, for want of a better word, alienated.

This is good L.  You got out, that is a start.  I know how hard it can be as I am an introvert.  A little bit at a time, no need to be back to where you were in an instant.  Keep doing these little things.  Next time go pet the dogs ... .next time pet the dogs and strike up a conversation with the owner.  Each little step out of your shell will help you regain some confidence.  The only way out is forward.   

[Lucky Jim]

He tried to obliterate me and almost succeeded, my job, career, friendships all gone. My identity as a capable, intelligent, confident person it's all gone. I need to find ways to rebuild, but I seem to keep coming up with excuses so I can stay safe. I seem to be finishing what he started. I'm not blaming him so much as blaming myself for dropping the ball on my own life. I let it go trying to be with him. It makes me feel sick and so disappointed in myself.

Hello again, Larmoyant, Don't beat yourself up!  Suggest you work on loving and accepting yourself, just the way you are.  You are worthy and valid, and always have been.  I was once in your shoes.  I nearly destroyed myself physically, emotionally and financially in my marriage to a pwBPD.  If that sounds melodramatic, it's not, because it's what happened to me.  I forgot who I was.  Much like you, I was lost in a dark wood, with no clear path out.  Not fun, as I'm sure you understand.

Yet your recovery is underway.  Your posting here, which is a good sign.  Your BPD r/s is behind you.  Your first task: be good to yourself and treat yourself with kindness and love.  It's easy to forget one's needs in the throes of a BPD r/s.  Now is the time to return the focus to you.  You might try listening to your gut feelings, just observing, without the need to do anything in particular.

LuckyJim

[Larmoyant]

I'm not sure what's happened, but I seem to have dissolved into a sobbing mess. It's the kindness of you all and the understanding. I'll write back when I'm ok again. Thank you so much.

[valet]

That sounds like a small breakthrough to me, Larmoyant. I'm excited to hear back when you're ready.

[Grey Kitty]

I'm not sure what's happened, but I seem to have dissolved into a sobbing mess. It's the kindness of you all and the understanding. I'll write back when I'm ok again. Thank you so much.

I've experienced similar, and I think I know what happened.

When you numb yourself emotionally, you can't do it selectively. You close down to avoid hard, negative feelings. And it works, but you can't feel positive ones either, because you are closed down and not feeling.

So if you open up ... .because people are showing you that they care ... .you find yourself exposed to any negative feelings you have (like leftovers from your BPD r/s and breakup).

  You will be OK again. This kind of thing is a way to heal.

[Larmoyant]

Grey Kitty, this really fits. The weight of  all these negative thoughts/feelings versus the kindness shown by people, and I shut down, but I've come back to try again. Ask for help if anyone can understand me, because I want to get through this so badly. I'm afraid people will think I'm unhinged, but I'm just going to write from the heart.

I'm still in a lot of emotional pain. Not the rawness felt 10 months ago, but an aching sort of pain. Up until now I've focused mainly on his feelings, educating myself on personality disorders, and whilst experiencing some anger and resentment mostly feeling compassion for his suffering. Only now I've turned towards me and my feelings and it's not a pretty sight.
 
I have wounds on top of wounds that have left me feeling unworthy and exposed. I've examined my family of origin issues and related them to this relationship and it has helped, only his treatment of me has added fresh wounds. All those cruel devaluing things he told me and showed me, that made me feel defective, inadequate, less than, all these horrible feelings have been brought to the surface and I'm afraid people can see them. I can see them. All my defects.

I understand that he doesn't get to define me as a person, but he 'has' defined me. It seems that who he said I was I've become. "A person of flawed character". His words, in an email to me 2 years ago.

It's not as though I sat back and just let him do this either. I didn't allow it, I fought back. Many, many times. I thought I was holding myself up, giving as good as I got, only that's not true because looking back all I was doing was defending myself. Defending who I am as a person. I remember fighting with him, struggling to keep hold of the person I know I am with the person he was telling me I was. And yes, I called him names right back, but I did not attack his soul. Did not pull him apart physically, emotionally, psychologically. I can say that with my hand on my heart. I didn't try to rip him apart, but he did me and succeeded to the point of paralysis and I don't function in the world anymore.

It seems like I am tired. I don't want people to see this person I've become and I'm too tired to go out there and pretend anymore. Pretend that I'm ok, pretend that I'm anything but this broken person right now. It's too exhausting.
 
These feelings have surfaced as clear as day and I'm sorry if I sound unhinged. I'm not, just struggling. It takes a lot out of me, but I have to keep reminding myself, just like I did in the relationship, that I'm not defective, not unworthy of love and care and kindness, that I am a good person who has been torn down by someone with a personality disorder.

Thank you for listening and for letting me get this out. I'm wading through the mud and want to recover from this.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Larmoyant, Well said!  No, you're not unhinged, and I can relate to everything you said, because I experienced it, too.  Let's start from the premise that you are worthy and valid, and always have been.  Your Ex tried to convince you otherwise, as did mine, yet to me his views of you are immaterial.  The place to start, I would suggest, is by learning to love and accept yourself, just the way you are.  We're all human and make mistakes.  You are a good person with normal reactions to an incredible amount of stress.  Don't beat yourself up!  Of all people out there, you deserve to be kind to yourself.  You don't deserve abuse.  Does this make sense?

LuckyJim

[Grey Kitty]

It seems like I am tired. I don't want people to see this person I've become and I'm too tired to go out there and pretend anymore. Pretend that I'm ok, pretend that I'm anything but this broken person right now. It's too exhausting.

I don't think the word broken fits you. Yes you are injured. Yes, you are exhausted. You don't sound broken. You don't sound like you've given up. You will heal. You will recover and find more energy and joy.

It is hard to pretend that you are OK, when you really aren't. And it doesn't work all the time; many people are perceptive enough to see through it. Brings to mind a line from a favorite song of mine.

If I answered,
if you called me,
I would say I'm doing fine.
I'd like to think we'd both know I was lying

If you have any friends who are safe for you to be around and not pretend that things are OK, this is a good time to lean on them.

Be gentle with yourself. Let yourself feel whatever comes. (When you can; I'm sure you have to go about your day and function too.)

[valet]

It seems like I am tired. I don't want people to see this person I've become and I'm too tired to go out there and pretend anymore. Pretend that I'm ok, pretend that I'm anything but this broken person right now. It's too exhausting.
 
These feelings have surfaced as clear as day and I'm sorry if I sound unhinged. I'm not, just struggling. It takes a lot out of me, but I have to keep reminding myself, just like I did in the relationship, that I'm not defective, not unworthy of love and care and kindness, that I am a good person who has been torn down by someone with a personality disorder.

Thank you for listening and for letting me get this out. I'm wading through the mud and want to recover from this.

I think it is a super important step to be able to acknowledge when we are tired and need a break. I went through a big phase like this several months ago (where I just shut down). It was hard, but my brain was giving itself the space it needed to confront these deeper issues. So, your reaction seems nothing unnatural.

I don't think that you sound unhinged at all. There is a reason for your pain, and it helps ease the load to express it.

Unhinged? More like healthy to me... .

I agree with Grey Kitty's advice to get some friends or a good T that you can open up to and feel safe exposing yourself around. Letting go of that fear is hard... .but the only way out of this pain is to bore right into and through it.

I'll be rooting for you.

[Larmoyant]

LuckyJim,  thank you for sharing because it somehow really helps knowing that others have been here and that they go on to recover. Even if you get so far down that some days it seems as if there's no chance. What you wrote does make sense. I have made mistakes in my life, but I 'am' a good person and never did I do anything to deserve what I went through with my ex. None of us do.

Yesterday, I decided for better or worse, to read over some old correspondence. It was a little traumatic rereading it all, and I stopped when it got too much, but at the same time it was enlightening. Something I needed to do. The chipping away at me jumped clear from the page, the criticism, the put downs, the subtle and not so subtle digs. It was sad to see it, in black and white and to remember that I thought I was coping with it at the time. Only I wasn't, bit by bit I was coming to a standstill, and it's no wonder I need time to recover. Reflecting on it he seemed to have an incredible need to offload all of his negativity onto me. I believe I must be some sort of masochist to have taken it really. I won't ever again that's for sure.

Quote Grey Kitty: "I don't think the word broken fits you. Yes you are injured. Yes, you are exhausted. You don't sound broken. You don't sound like you've given up. You will heal. You will recover and find more energy and joy."

Grey Kitty, broken isn't a good descriptor is it. I will change  it to 'fragile, but getting much stronger'. At one point I believed that I'd never recover, but I will. I haven't given up. It's just been a difficult week. Winter's turned to spring here, it's his birthday today, mine tomorrow, and memories have been triggered. Last year I was caught up with over the top drama, tears, confusion, this year all is quiet, lonely, but still tears. Maybe I can change it for next year.

Valet, the thing that worries me is the time it seems to be taking for me to start life over again. I keep trying to take small steps but it's very difficult. It makes me feel as if there's something terribly wrong with me, and that's where the 'unhinged' reference comes from. I've just retreated I suppose to lick my wounds. I'm not 'unhinged' () just a very sad person who has been mistreated, but I am going to recover!

Thanks to everyone who responded, including earlier C.Stein, drained1996, Curiously1, I've reread each post and I've been able to process a lot of feelings and it's really helped.  

[icky]

hi larmoyant, i just read what you wrote about Schnauzers : ). we had a medium-sized salt and pepper Schnauzer growing up - he was a beautiful dog. swimming at the beach was his life's joy. when i was recovering from a very traumatic situation once, i had social anxiety and do you know what i did to overcome it? i found a dog-walking job! . haha : ). it was the perfect bridge back into social stuff. dogs are such beautiful creatures and you can be fully yourself around them, no matter how fragile you feel. and they are a great bridge for slowly starting up safe, short conversations with other people again - for example other dog owners. i did lots of therapy at the time, to help me with the trauma, the grieving and the social anxiety. would you believe that that dog-walking job was what helped most?  : )

[joeramabeme]

Hi Larmoyant

Thanks for starting this post, some great replies.  I like to replace the word damaged with deeply scarred in a way that will permanently change the nature of how I have relationships.  Almost like having to re-learn walking or some other basic function that I had previously taken for granted. 

These relationships alter our understanding of the world at a core level.  It is like visiting another planet and finding extraordinary forms of life; when returning to Earth we are never able to process our understanding of life in the same way.  It is a permanently altered state.

I hear your question somewhat as; how do I integrate who I was with what I have become given my BPD experiences?  It is deeply unsettling.  Putting a toe in the water and then stepping back would seem to be a healthy reaction.

If it helps you at all; I have been able to reconnect socially with little problems but there is still a place in my soul that has been permanently altered and keeps me aware of just how disconnected my perceived versus actual reality really was.  Point being, the hesitations you are feeling is manifesting through socializing yet, the feeling would be there even if your social life were as it previously was. 

Healing and rehabilitation; repair the wounds and adjust to a new way of walking - not easy.