Subject to avoid?

[Tex]

My daughter in law has recently been diagnosed with BPD . I am trying to understand her and get as much information as possible to make our lives easier, she gets extremely jealous and irritable when ever I post pictures of our other grandchildren or our other sonand his family . It seems like I can't even mention them without setting her off, my question is do I avoid the subject, that seems like I am walking on egg cells if I do, but I don't want to make my son or grandson, her husband andChild life more complicated can I please help with your information

[Woolspinner2000]

Hi Tex, 

So glad you found our site! Welcome aboard.  You will find lots of helpful information here as well as others who are struggling in relationships with a BPD person in their lives. Read as much as you can, and absorb. There is too much to gather into your brain at once, but little by little the  keeps coming on and you will find the understanding becoming a changing point in your life.

I'm very sorry to hear that your DIL has BPD. That does change the dynamics for you, doesn't it? Unfortunately there is no changing of a BPD. Those of us who need to deal with them must learn how to navigate the rough waters that accompany a BPD. Your DIL will most likely perceive that any mention of your other grandchildren is perceived by her as neglect of her own children. BPDs see the world in black and white. There is no in between. You don't do anything wrong by balancing attention to all of your extended family. It's a matter of her perception, nothing to do with reality.  Sounds impossible to deal with, right? It isn't. There are things you can do to help yourself.

Here are a couple of links you may find helpful:

https://bpdfamily.com/content/Dr-Jekyll-and-Mr-Hyde
https://bpdfamily.com/content/karpman-drama-triangle

The first is to help bring some understanding of BPD to you. The 2nd link is about the Karpman drama triangle. It shows how easily any of us can step on to the triangle and get caught within the web. If you can do your best to set some boundaries and stay off the triangle, it will help you. Not an overnight accomplishment however, but helpful in the long run.

Do you have access to a T who is familiar with BPD? They can be invaluable to help you learn about boundary setting and a good listening ear to be able to take an objective look at what is going on, separating emotions from facts, and helping you to walk through the times to come.

Is this helpful?
 
Wools

[Tex]

Yes. Thanks

[Turkish]

One genesis of BPD is neglect,  either real or perceived.  No matter how incorrect in reality this might be, she's likely feeling neglected and devalued.  Explaining your feelings or point of view aren't going to gain traction.  To her,  her feelings equal the facts.

There is a validation target here: "I feel unloved like devalued, neglected, or ignored  (abandoned)."

Validating the feeling is the key.  You're frustrated. That's understandable.  However, she's emotionally more limited than you. Her feelings are real (to her) even if she's not being devalued/neglected/abandoned.  This is
 just how she feels.  Think of her like the "walking wounded."

Perhaps you can start here as well:

Communication using validation. What it is; how to do it

T