hello here's my introduction

[alki5000]

I'm not really coping. A few months ago times J my wife was in a v dark place. Mornings were terrible, and scary, as she was explosive and angry all the time.
She left for two months and life was lonely but i started to sleep properly. We were in daily contact. She was prescribed a drug that helped with mood and helped her sleep.

Recently we have jointly had a few upsetting experiences. A elderly friend can to stay and he was v difficult and upset us both. Unfortunately when the friend left, a huge row developed, triggered by the visitor's behaviour. The arguments posed were abstract and wild, although i had been similarly upset, J really pummelled me for several days.

She often pummels me due to the way other people treat her. The sequence is often very similar and it is as if i am a proxy for that other person. On occasion her initial reaction is too much and far fetched. She gives these people the impression that she is ok with them. On one occasion the arguing lasted for three days. It was v corrosive. It is true that the subject on that occasion was a fairly ourspoken friend, but i was not involved in perpetuating her discomfort.
Very often in the past i am left to deal with difficulties as she withdraws. Most of these situations are to do with sharing a space with someone else who offends her. They may be talking about their bad marriage or something similar. I have to be substituted in to take her place. Sometimes i have been abused. She conducts a postmortem of events thereafter, often becoming abusive in finding a fault in me. She never approaches people to lay out her bounderies, as she uses me as that boundary. This upsets me a lot now, especially as she has emailed negative views about me within her family.

Also this week i have been subjected to a pummelling. This time it was over snoring. To me not a cause for anger just an unlucky habit. For quite a number of years i have lost sleep due to snoring. I v rarely wake her to stop it. This week, in addition, she was having a tremendous nightmare. Nightmares often badly affect the concious day following. I touched her lightly to try to stop it. It seemed she was really suffering and the best thing to do was interupt it.

My life is a cycle of apologies and explanations often over nothing. (I'm not perfect either but my behaviour is moderated). I'm always trying to end arguments as quickly as possible.

In the past after these tumultuous rows she packs her bags and threatens to leave, ending with exhaustion on both sides.

Now i have to resort to ultimatums myself in desperation to stop the pummelling arguments. "If she can't stop victimising me she should leave" etc. My feelings towards her are changing.

Thanks for reading.

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PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[drained1996]

Hi alki5000,



So sorry you're having to deal with these tough circumstances in your life.  Your story sounds so similar to many you will run across here... .it's helpful to know you are not alone in your struggles.  Your tale speaks of communication and boundary issues which is super common in when traits of a personality disorder are involved.  One thing many here have learned is that we cannot change them, but we can change how we react to and communicate with them.  To the right of this page you will see some tools and lessons.  Combining a working understanding of the illness with some helpful communication techniques has been helpful for some in improving their circumstances. 
Have you sought any guidance from a therapist?  I know I found a professional to be of great help in my own process. 
Another thing I found was that sharing for me was very therapeutic, and... .the more I shared the more I got in return.  Feel free to post anything you are feeling, or any questions you may have.  We are here!