Simple requests are met with accusations of control

[Popo15]

I am increasingly finding with my partner that simple requests, for example, asking very gently if he could turn hot pan handles inwards on the stove to prevent accidents are perceived as a manipulation.  This particular request was met with point blank refusal. He accused me of being controlling, needing my own way, being OCD and that I needed to pay attention to prevent accidents. It's not on him to do things to get me off the hook of taking due care. He was angry with me for patronising him and attempting to control him. Does this sound familiar? How can I help him to see there is no ulterior motive?

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[michel71]

Hey PoPo. I think that this is very typical of a pwBPD. My uBPDw does the same thing. It never mattered how nice I asked something or how simple the request. There was always push back. You see, it really isn't about YOU to them. They are all about themselves. The fact that they would be "put out" by a simple request that YOU HAVE is part of the disorder. I will say that mine took everything the wrong way.
This is a spectrum disorder so you might get different opinions.
In general I feel that my uBPDw was difficult to communicate with. She was the classic projectionist. If I said I was "feeling a certain way" about her she would parrot the exact same thing back to me. Circular arguments were the rule and I would get so exhausted by listening to her go on and on that I would just give up eventually.
My uBPDw would always flip things around and assume that whatever I asked for what a direct DIG against her.
She was impossible to deal with; thus we are splitting up.

[Artemis_bpd]

HI Popo15,

What's happening to you is the same situation I am in right now. My uBPDp was in the "clinging/giving" phase... .Gave me a lot of attention. Then I thought he was still in that giving mood, he suddenly switched... .When I asked for a little of the same thing, a simple validation of my work, I was accused of manipulating and using or abusing him. The switch was so fast, it caught me unawares. Then he shut me off and provoking me to be mad at him so his accusations of me being no good will be founded as true. It is a very difficult situation to be in.

By asking, I hit a trigger from a past wound, which I have read from the lessons here has nothing to do with the non-BPD Partner. The switch from White to Black was so sudden. I just recently learned that he has BPD, and am trying to distance and detach myself from his actions or reactions. It is not easy but it is all that can be done.

[Popo15]

Thank you for your comments, it is reassuring to know you're not alone with these issues.
I get the "parroting" too Michel71.  It drove me crazy for the first year, but now I just ignore it. The second I disagree with him on anything I get the silent treatment for days. Or alternatively I get threats of leaving. He left a couple of times, but he comes straight back!

[michel71]

Another perfect example PoPo occurred last night. UBPDw has been ordering things online for her new place. Good size boxes have been coming to the door. I moved them inside. When she got home I asked her if I could put these in the garage for her (she has a certain area of the garage that she is getting her stuff ready for the move). She told me that she does not want them in the garage as they might get "lost" amongst my stuff. Granted the rest of the garage is in a state of "flux" to say the least; however, she does have her own area.
She said that she would rather put these boxes on her side of the bed in the bedroom. I pushed the issue of me taking them to the garage for her USING REASON.
Mistake. I was called controlling and told "you can't always have it your way".
Now they continue to sit in the living room in front of the fire place so I can look at them all the time.
Nice huh? In about 4 weeks time I won't have to deal with this anymore!
And I am looking forward to it.

[jrharvey]

If it makes you feel better that is NOT controlling. And you should not accept that as controlling. Maybe if you tried to tell him how to cook his own things etc... .If you are controlling all the time then that could be perceived as controlling but only you know that.

This is what controlling looks like... .

Everytime I even touch my phone to check the time or read an email I get a 30 minute panic and lecture from my GF. Often followed by accusations or her saying I am lying.

When I have taken my phone into the bathroom to read news I often get questioned about why I needed to do that, what I was doing, who I was talking to. Keep in mind she is in the bathroom for 30 minutes with her phone almost every day. Could be projection.

If I don't text back quick enough within 10 minutes even if I am at work she demands an explanation followed by a 30 minute discussion that often turns into an argument because she accuses me of things I didn't do such as purposely ignoring her or hanging out with female coworkers.

That's what control looks like.

[Popo15]

Both of these stories ring so many bells. I can fully relate to both. I find the obsession with "control" very hard. It's one of the many paradoxical presentations of BPD I suppose. Mine perceives everything as controlling, yet his behaviour is completely controlling. He just doesn't see it!  He seems to be petrified of being "controlled". Has issues with any kind of authority or convention. It's his way... or no way.

[Jessica84]

He seems to be petrified of being "controlled". Has issues with any kind of authority or convention. It's his way... or no way.

You may be onto something here. Is there a way you can validate that petrified feeling of being controlled when you make a request? Maybe ask so it comes off as a request rather than a demand? Like you would like him to do xyz, but he doesn't have to.

He may also be sensitive to anything he perceives as criticism or being blamed. Maybe asking him to turn the handles implied he's the one who left them that way - or at least, that's what he heard.

[foodlover]

I will tell you something from a mans point of view. It really is all about how you speak. I have noticed this with all of my ex girlfriends and my current. It may be a man/woman thing. In all of my relationships I never TELL anyone to do anything. I will say something like "Hey babe, do you mind doing XYZ for me?" I only make request when I need them. I try to do everything else myself. I feel like some of my ex's and my current GF just didn't know how to ASK. They felt it was their right and duty to bark orders. Ive had so many fights about this I cant even count. My GF or my ex would say something like... .Go to the store and get this, ok bye, Take this to the car, Move this for me, Your doing this wrong, Clean this or that.

Nobody likes to be ordered around. Just be careful your not demanding with your language. Ive heard SOO many people say "Oh I am not demanding" but they totally are. Make request. Ask and say please.

[Popo15]

I fully understand that FoodLover. Trust me, I've tried every which way of expressing things over the years, and in my experience, with my partner, it's really irrelevant how you say it. It's not about how I say it, or what I say. It's about what he hears. And without exception, he will twist what I say to be what he wants, or more specifically DOESN'T want to hear.
But in essence, I completely agree with what you said. I do the same, I try things out and rehearse in my head many times, before I allow it to be heard 

[michel71]

I second that one. I have tried so many ways to say things and been so careful with the choice of words, tone, etc. and nothing made a damn bit of difference. Mine heard what she wanted to hear and ran with it. One of the worst fights we had was one where I tried my sweetest to say " honey, I was wondering if you might give me some help with the kitchen. I am so tired and I just can't get it all done. Would it be okay?" I had worked all day and she sat around doing nothing.
She got up off the bed ( she wasn't sleeping or anything, just reading) and flew across the room at me, backing me into a corner while she screamed in my face.
Yeah. Good times.