Can BPD partner get better?

[Jej]

Hello, am finding it increasingly difficult to maintain my relationship with me BPD partner. We have children, I'm worried about the affect on them. Can sufferers get better? I know every person is different, and I guess a lot of it depends on the individual. Thanks.

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[Cantthinkofaname]

Can it? Sure it can just like (almost) any relationship. But that won't happen by itself. For it to get better it takes an effort from the pwBPD and his/her parter. There's many resources regarding that freely available here on the board and elsewhere online. There's some good whole books about it too like "Stop walking on eggshells" or "Walking on eggshells", even if it doesn't sound like it both are about the same thing.

In addition to that, the thing that can help the most is therapy.

[Mutt]

Hi Jej,



I'd like to join  Cantthinkofaname and welcome you to  bpdfamily.

For it to get better it takes an effort from the pwBPD and his/her parter.

I'd just like to add to that. Let's set BPD aside for a second and think about change, change is hard for anyone, it's not impossible, it takes commitment and work.

How long have you been in a r/s with a pwBPD?

[Jej]

Hello, thanks to both of you for your replies. 9 years, but BPD is a recent diagnosis. After a few years his behaviour became moody, snappy, it got worse from there. Waiting for treatment now. Some days he accepts it , and is humble about it, other days he thinks his actions are fine and I am wrong, I'm criticised a lot, it's very tough.

[Stalwart]

Hey Jej:
I'm living testament to the fact that it is certainly possible to improve your relationship with your partner.
Honestly, I'd have to add that can't be done without an excessive amount of reading, learning and open willingness to totally change the way you would perceive things and react to them; from that of a non-BPD relationship.
Radical acceptance of others ideas and motivations and actions, and the ability to remove you own ego out of an equation to more clearly see it; doesn't come overnight. It does come with learning and practice.
It sound typically as though you've encountered the same heart-rendering and difficult situations that perhaps every person has experienced over our years of trying to manage our relationships with someone who suffers from this illness, (If you want to term it as an illness.)
You do have one great advantage over so many here and it's the start to a new path if your husband and you can utilize it well, especially together. He has a diagnosis. That is such a huge and awesome step and opportunity for both of you moving forward.
The question is will he go to see a psychologist and find one that he's comfortable with, can interact with well and enjoy going to and learn from? If he finds that person than he's found the real key to better helping himself with better mindfullness and living skills on interpersonal levels.
Jej there is so much to learn. You've come to a good site. Taking advantage of all the tools available and learning how to naturally put them in place in your daily life challenges is a tremendous step forward for you.
Learning about the disorder, how and why they think and act in the manner they do is invaluable; not just to learning, but to putting that learning to a level of empathetic awareness of what you're dealing with and also what he is.
Not an easy challenge to accomplish, but early on I came to the conclusion that I'd follow one basic rule of interaction (with my wife and all others); Leave a person in a better place than you found them. Not always easy to accomplish but it is easy to do.
I really hope you well in your endevour going forward, I don't think anyone of us can say it was an easy go, it's not! There will be successes and failures.
The one thing I can assure you is if you pick up the books to learn and the lessons to practice you'll really appreciate one thing for certain; who you become as a person and how much you learn to change yourself to better meet challenges. That's priceless. Win or lose it really doesn't matter because any of us who really take on the challenge have already won just by the ways we've learned to better interact with others, kinder, wiser and more empathetically.
Learning to change yourself over time is the most effective way to really change the overall dynamics of your relationship together. When you accomplish that, then you'll know your worth for certain in the face of his statements that may be negative. Wear it proudly without being affected by nasty or damaging comments and outburst. They lose their power when you learn how to build your own more confidently. No easy jobs here, but there can be so many really rewarding advances made in a rough relationship.
I don't know after all these years of awareness, learning and coming so far if I can ever say it will be easy, Being uncurable has it's earmarks that leave so many of us in the same postion of knowing that our relationships will never be really 'normal' or there may actually ever be an end to the work. But if you chose to live in then it only makes good sense to do that in a way that makes you more metally and physically able to carry on and acheive  'better'
All the best to your endevour and I really am happy that your husband had the wherewithall to go in for a diagnosis. Huge step forward Jej. One so many here can never imagine happening in their relationships. You just keep going forward learning, practicing and taking one breath and one step at a time Jej. You can do this.
All the best to you and him and also the kids involved.

[Jej]

Thank you Stalwart for your reply, I really appreciate it. I'm trying to stick with it. Want to get him to, and on treatment to give it the fairest chance possible of succeeding, but the daily fireworks are sometimes just too much now to live with. I will try. Thank you.