Comparing yourself to your replacement or your exBPD's ex only does harm to you

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

In the end, we are all equals and were all abused/mistreated by our exes.

While my ex and I were still in a relationship (our second chance), she was still friends with the replacement. She would try and make me feel more comfortable with allowing her to keep her friendship by reassuring me how much she regret leaving me and how being intimate with her friend felt wrong.

She would then go on to describe many of what she thought were her friends flaws such as: too ugly, too tall, too severly depressed, ugly clothes, a 'blackhole' and how she could never be with or love a person who had those qualities.

I asked her if her friend was that unappealing to her then why is it hard for her to let her go and find new friends for the sake of repairing our relationship?

Her response:
"You are not allowed to tell me who I should and shouldn't be friends with. That is controlling and abusive"...
"My friend chose to be my friend and that is why I am still friends with them"... "I only enjoy her company in small dosages, an hour max so don't worry about it"

When we broke up again she recycled with her friend again but on the down low. I wasn't sure if she idealised the friend but compared to me, she did not broadcast a whole lot about her new relationship on social media which I found interesting. If anybody has an idea as to why she was more quiet about it let me know why you think that is?

I thought I was happy to hear the news of them not working out again because it just proved yet again that my ex can never be happy but I found myself not being satisfied with just that. In a way this made me sad so I needed to do some further reflecting as to why I am still affected.

I've found most of my unsatisfaction with things was because of my ego. Because I still, even subtly tied my own value and self-worth to how my ex treated me and how she chose her replacements to replace me with.

A good friend of mine asked me if I'd rather my ex replace me with someone I actually think is doing well and is more attractive etc. etc. That's besides the point but of course I'd be more jealous if that were the case because of the above. Still externalising my own value and self-worth. I realised whether the replacement was doing worse or better, whatever, would not be satisfying for me either way and needed to resolve this issue for some peace in myself.


For me, a lot of the anger and confusion came from how badly she spoke of her friend, and yet still tried again with her a second time and what that meant for me.

I am not saying I am better or worse than anybody else but there was a very big difference between the replacement and I and believed I was doing a lot better in regards to mental health and aspirations in life etc. Apart from encouraging my ex to get therapy and improve herself, it made me wonder why she took me for granted and what she exactly recognised in me or valued in a partner and relationship altogether. But I've made more sense of it now.

Feel free to debate/discuss about what I am about to share...

People with PDs don't seem to value you or distinguish you from any other. They may like and admire what you are and the qualities that you have but that is different to valuing and appreciating who a person is.

I am starting to truly see my ex as a small child who you take to the toy store, and if you tell her she can have anything she wants, she wont be satisifed with just one, she would want to have it all, regardless of the quality of the toy. Quantity of how much toys she can play with = quality to her.

For example, if you give a 2 year old (her) a $100 dollar bill, anything could happen to that $100 dollar bill. Regardless of what condition (the person) it is in, the 2 year old would treat it like any other piece of paper it finds.

This also explains why pwPD choice of partners are all over the map. This is why it looks like they have no standards and why they seem to not make you a priority regardless of who you are (stranger, their partner, their friend). It has nothing to do with your self-worth. This also explains some of why they have no boundaries. It is all just  about how everyone fills them up in different ways... .and so you cannot take away any other toys from them, especially if that toy fills them up in a way you can't.

I was dealing with someone who cannot understand and recognise the importance of me and treated me as any other individual. And this is where the problem comes in and why you get taken for granted, why you are overlooked and generalised. She could not distinguish what is more important than what is not more important etc. The virtues and the qualities I had as her partner were not put on high or before those who did not possess those virtues and qualities. And if someone cannot recognise your value, how are they ever going to treat you the way you deserve to be treated? As something precious and of value.

To conclude, if someone does not recognise, appreciates and truly understands what makes you uniquely you, then they are not fit for you. They do not deserve you for just admiring you. Having something of great value comes with a certain type of responsibility that is associated with having/keeping/maintaining it.

Lastly, another way of seeing it is when a kid really wants a puppy. We are all that new puppy. The replacement is just another exciting additional puppy. They are all excited for it at the beginning, make a lot of promises in order to keep it but after some time, they just cannot look after it, might grow bored of it and neglect it and not longer want to be responsible for its proper care. It was never about valuing the puppy's life. It was just about the newness, liking it or wanting to have it.

Sometimes we can get stuck in an endless cycle of trying to analyze them and it's hard to get out of that cycle because we continually project our own worldview /what we value onto them, which isn't appropriate.  Meaning, we keep trying to find some kind of sense of their actions/what they do, but it doesn't make sense according to us.  Sadly, that true nature comes down to being too self-absorbed which inhibits their capacity to have empathy or care about anyone except for themselves.

This video has reminded me to stop comparing myself to my replacement and that it truly is a waste of energy. Felt a lot better to remember to see it this way:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FbylGfdvJRk&t=0s

If they are not in therapy or really don't care to get help, then all they can do ever do is continue to psychologically damage themselves and those around them.

[Curiously1]

In the end, we are all equals and were all abused/mistreated by our exes.

While my ex and I were still in a relationship (our second chance), she was still friends with the replacement. She would try and make me feel more comfortable with allowing her to keep her friendship by reassuring me how much she regret leaving me and how being intimate with her friend felt wrong.

She would then go on to describe many of what she thought were her friends flaws such as: too ugly, too tall, too severly depressed, ugly clothes, a 'blackhole' and how she could never be with or love a person who had those qualities.

I asked her if her friend was that unappealing to her then why is it hard for her to let her go and find new friends for the sake of repairing our relationship?

Her response:
"You are not allowed to tell me who I should and shouldn't be friends with. That is controlling and abusive"...
"My friend chose to be my friend and that is why I am still friends with them"... "I only enjoy her company in small dosages, an hour max so don't worry about it"

When we broke up again she recycled with her friend again but on the down low. I wasn't sure if she idealised the friend but compared to me, she did not broadcast a whole lot about her new relationship on social media which I found interesting. If anybody has an idea as to why she was more quiet about it let me know why you think that is?

I thought I was happy to hear the news of them not working out again because it just proved yet again that my ex can never be happy but I found myself not being satisfied with just that. In a way this made me sad so I needed to do some further reflecting as to why I am still affected.

I've found most of my unsatisfaction with things was because of my ego. Because I still, even subtly tied my own value and self-worth to how my ex treated me and how she chose her replacements to replace me with.

A good friend of mine asked me if I'd rather my ex replace me with someone I actually think is doing well and is more attractive etc. etc. That's besides the point but of course I'd be more jealous if that were the case because of the above. Still externalising my own value and self-worth. I realised whether the replacement was doing worse or better, whatever, would not be satisfying for me either way and needed to resolve this issue for some peace in myself.


For me, a lot of the anger and confusion came from how badly she spoke of her friend, and yet still tried again with her a second time and what that meant for me.

I am not saying I am better or worse than anybody else but there was a very big difference between the replacement and I and believed I was doing a lot better in regards to mental health and aspirations in life etc. Apart from encouraging my ex to get therapy and improve herself, it made me wonder why she took me for granted and what she exactly recognised in me or valued in a partner and relationship altogether. But I've made more sense of it now.

Feel free to debate/discuss about what I am about to share...

People with PDs don't seem to value you or distinguish you from any other. They may like and admire what you are and the qualities that you have but that is different to valuing and appreciating who a person is.

I am starting to truly see my ex as a small child who you take to the toy store, and if you tell her she can have anything she wants, she wont be satisifed with just one, she would want to have it all, regardless of the quality of the toy. Quantity of how much toys she can play with = quality to her.

For example, if you give a 2 year old (her) a $100 dollar bill, anything could happen to that $100 dollar bill. Regardless of what condition (the person) it is in, the 2 year old would treat it like any other piece of paper it finds.

This also explains why pwPD choice of partners are all over the map. This is why it looks like they have no standards and why they seem to not make you a priority regardless of who you are (stranger, their partner, their friend). It has nothing to do with your self-worth. This also explains some of why they have no boundaries. It is all just  about how everyone fills them up in different ways... .and so you cannot take away any other toys from them, especially if that toy fills them up in a way you can't.

I was dealing with someone who cannot understand and recognise the importance of me and treated me as any other individual. And this is where the problem comes in and why you get taken for granted, why you are overlooked and generalised. She could not distinguish what is more important than what is not more important etc. The virtues and the qualities I had as her partner were not put on high or before those who did not possess those virtues and qualities. And if someone cannot recognise your value, how are they ever going to treat you the way you deserve to be treated? As something precious and of value.

To conclude, if someone does not recognise, appreciates and truly understands what makes you uniquely you, then they are not fit for you. They do not deserve you for just admiring you. Having something of great value comes with a certain type of responsibility that is associated with having/keeping/maintaining it.

Lastly, another way of seeing it is when a kid really wants a puppy. We are all that new puppy. The replacement is just another exciting additional puppy. They are all excited for it at the beginning, make a lot of promises in order to keep it but after some time, they just cannot look after it, might grow bored of it and neglect it and not longer want to be responsible for its proper care. It was never about valuing the puppy's life. It was just about the newness, liking it or wanting to have it.

Sometimes we can get stuck in an endless cycle of trying to analyze them and it's hard to get out of that cycle because we continually project our own worldview /what we value onto them, which isn't appropriate.  Meaning, we keep trying to find some kind of sense of their actions/what they do, but it doesn't make sense according to us.  Sadly, that true nature comes down to being too self-absorbed which inhibits their capacity to have empathy or care about anyone except for themselves.

This video has reminded me to stop comparing myself to my replacement and that it truly is a waste of energy. Felt a lot better to remember to see it this way:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FbylGfdvJRk&t=0s

If they are not in therapy or really don't care to get help, then all they can do ever do is continue to psychologically damage themselves and those around them.