Realized last night my Father had problems, as well as my mother

[Grandmotherbear]

 Grandfatherbear last night  asked about when I "had decided to pick up" the camper(which was ordered in April). This was after calling my attention last week and on the weekend to emails from the Snoozy company with pix that showed our rig in process of construction. They had mentioned it would be completed by the 21st, so I offered them a choice of the 25th or the 28th. They had gone with the 28th. It was all written out on the emails accompanying the pix.  He said that he hadn't read the emails attached to the pictures- just noticed the pictures and told me. I told him that I had arranged for the 28th, on the way home from spending Tgiving with DS and DGD. He was a little irked I hadn't discussed this with him and I said yes we had, and he had work on the 30th, (which I had asked him if he could take off) and he told me last week he couldn't arrange coverage. Neither could his boss, and I know after 35 years that GFB's work trumps everything else.

Grandfatherbear was saying he wanted to spend more time with DS, who has been very upset because his marriage blew up while he was deployed. (I was thinking it was the first time GFB ever said such a thing and  he hadn't accompanied me to either adult child several times in the past when they had problems -including when DS went to court to divorce his first wife and got royally screwed.  And hadn't accompanied me any of the times I took my DGS north after Christmas to see snow and take skiing lessons and go snow tubing) I reminded him he had told me that he couldn't get coverage for his work November 30th, and I knew that meant he had to be back for it. At that he told me he'd already been scheduled off by his boss, to which my response was, since no one could cover him, didn't that mean he'd have to work on the 30th? So I had arranged things o get him back n the 29th so he at least could sleep in our bed before work. He said he'd text his boss again, and that he didn't want me making arrangements for the pickup or the trip home till we had been there at DS's and seen how he was doing. His boss texted him back last night he could have the 30th, and if he (boss) couldn't find coverage he'd drive up ffrom Miramar (north Miami) and cover it himself.

Well, Grandfatherbear's claims I hadn't discussed this all with him suddenly pressed that button from my childhood and I could just hear my father raging at my mother- or us kids- that we had made "unilateral decisions" and we'd better not expect to get away with deciding to do *whatever* without fully discussing it with him first. That *fully discussed* was the trap. Many times -if not most- we had indeed discussed "whatever" with him and we thought there had been an agreement, but suddenly Papa changed his mind, and rather than admit to changing his mind he'd claim we hadn't discussed it at all and made "unilateral decisions". Jeez, just typing the word out disgusts me. Well, last night GFB's words suddenly brought back my father's words and the many, many times, we emotionally bled as he verbally whipped us.

My father thought God had put him on Earth to control EVERYTHING and my mother thought God had put her on this earth to control EVERYTHING and the result was a tragic marriage that warped both my brother and me. I got so sick and tired of their constant yelling. My mother actually convinced herself that things happened that had never happened, such as us having stockings at Christmas, which my brother confirms we never did, so I know it's not MY warped memories.  My mother was the main BPD person in my life. I know my father was not a saint, but this realization last night just absolutely STUNNED me.

GFB is acting anxious, as he usually does when things aren't exactly orchestrated and totally controlled. He blamed me for setting up the Snoozy delivery for Monday when he had told me last week he had to be back for Wednesday work.  He dragged in our DDs family and our visit there over Vet's Day weekend - and he had work so I had arranged to leave on Monday instead Wednesday. At the time he thanked me for getting him back in time for work but now he says he wanted to spend more time. I had wanted to spend more time and had told GFB that I could go back to see her and family maybe in January or February  if he couldn't get away. At the time I thought he was agreeable.

For years he refused to go camping with me or accompany me anywhere except to my mother's when she gave me a nervous breakdown. I took my son tubing, camping, whitewater rafting and backpacking. When he got to the age he wanted to hang out with his friends I continued on with the Boy Scouts. He declined to go to the Northern Tier High Adventure Canoe base with me in 19997, 1998, 1999 and 2006. In fact in 2006 he refused to even go in late to work so he could drive me to the airport. He always complained that my volunteer work with BSA and Florida Trail Association kept us from doing things together. When I gave up most of my outside activities in 2001 he did not start doing more things with me. He said I always got to do what I wanted and never what he wanted so in 2001 I told him fine, pick out what you want to do in Savannah. We'll go there for a long weekend (because I knew he would never go for a longer period. ) He blamed me because he hadn't picked out anything, because I "wasn't interested". I had only listened to him talk about stuff and say "that sounds interesting". Boy does that bring back my father and his ways to me.

We're both 67 now,  and he's gone whitewater rafting with me and DS family once, four years ago. He expressed interest in seeing Williamsburg VA in 2005 and Boston in 2013 and DC in 2016. I made those trips happen despite being almost crippled with chronic pain. Because of the pain I had to portage some of the best rapids. So big deal, he went with me ONCE. I told him that I wished he'd gone with me when we were in our 30s or 40s and more physically fit. I found myself getting anxious about his presence and whether or not he was enjoying himself, or was like Queen Victoria just "lying there and thinking of England". I did not find his presence as enjoyable as I had thought it would be for the last 30 years.

So, he pushes my father's buttons. There is absolutely NOTHING I can do such as discussing things with him more, because I am already doing that. The only thing I can try to do is trust my "Uh-oh" sense - when I feel him getting anxious, and try to prepare to endure whatever he'll come up with to criticize. Ugh.
Maybe I should do what I started to plan to do 15 years ago, when I was first thinking of retirement and being able to travel, and find myself a camping buddy. That wayat least I would have an enjoyable trip. But he makes me feel so guilty when he's home alone. And it was pretty lonesome having all those great experiences with my troop, and not being able to say to GFB across the breakfast table- "Remember that trip to Manitoba when we found blueberries all around us and picked them for breakfast, and then slid down the little waterfall-how much fun that was? No, you can't because YOU WEREN'T THERE"!

I'm probably just hyper about this now because the holidays are approaching. My mother and father managed to make them miserable most of my life, and I started working both Christmas and Thanksgiving to not be around my sister in law, who had no compunctions about being nasty and GFB never once came to my defence.

[Grandmotherbear]

GFB has always said he would travel with me "later", and I finally told him a few years back to stop lying to me.  I have observed during my nursing career that leopards do not change their spots. He's insisting that he WILL go with me and also notified his boss he will  not be available at all in June. I had been thinking of taking the camper I am treating myself to north, to the Maritime Provinces of Canada. So I told GFB I will leave the emails from Nova Scotia and Newfoundland depts. of tourism up and he can delete them after he reads them. Well, I had to go back and delete a batch of them because they filled up our email storage- after he confirmed he hadn't read them yet.After being up for weeks.  We met with my BFF for brunch a couple weekends back and I was telling her all about the things I was researching for the trip and she told me later that GFB could not have indicated any more uninterest in our proposed trip. I have brought it up to him once or twice and according to him he will be going with me. I guess I just have to be emotionally prepared to fly him back home mid trip, because I am not going to break things off in the middle.
At least I have the option of doing what I want to as an adult, which I didn't have as a child with my father.

[Kwamina]

Hi Grandmotherbear

Welcome back. The holidays are a stressful period for a lot of our members so I think you definitely aren't the only one feeling a bit hyper these days.

I am sorry your husband's behavior triggered something in you from your past. Do you also recognize other things in your husband that remind you of things your dad did and/or said?

Children who were raised by BPD parents might find themselves getting into relationships in their adult lives in which they in a way recreate the conditions they were raised in. Not because they particularly liked the way they were raised, but more because in a way it was 'normal' because this was all they were used to. As a result we might find ourselves attracted to and/or getting involved with people who radiate a similar energy as our disordered parents, often without even (fully) realizing that this is what is going on. Looking back at your marriage, do you now perhaps feel this is also true for your relationship?

It does sound like your husband is sending you mixed signals, his current words don't seem to match up to his past behaviors and words.

At least I have the option of doing what I want to as an adult, which I didn't have as a child with my father.

What you say here is key. You are an adult now and that gives you a lot of options you did not have as a child. Pete Walker who has written about recovering from an abusive childhood, said it quite wonderfully I think:

"Own your right/need to have boundaries. Remind yourself that you do not have to allow anyone to mistreat you; you are free to leave dangerous situations and protest unfair behavior.
... .
Remind yourself that you are in an adult body with allies, skills and resources to protect you that you never had as a child. (Feeling small and little is a sure sign of a flashback)"

Take care

The Board Parrot