Sorry gang-- spiraling down

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

Oh man, I keep checking-- I'm spiraling down into a bad hole. It really seems as if they are a happy happy household. Was it just me, and I triggered all kinds of awfulness? The daughter (who also has BPD traits) and the the new girlfriend seem to get along great too-- and all love living together.

I just texted her this but she hasn't replied. "it was good to chat but I didn’t hear nearly enough about you! How is life? From your Facebook, you seem happy and good. Have you had any fun adventures? xo"

Is there a way towards peace and acceptance that isn't NC? Is it possible to "fake it till you make it?"

How can I get out of this hole that I am digging myself into? 

[kc sunshine]

Oh man, I keep checking-- I'm spiraling down into a bad hole. It really seems as if they are a happy happy household. Was it just me, and I triggered all kinds of awfulness? The daughter (who also has BPD traits) and the the new girlfriend seem to get along great too-- and all love living together.

I just texted her this but she hasn't replied. "it was good to chat but I didn’t hear nearly enough about you! How is life? From your Facebook, you seem happy and good. Have you had any fun adventures? xo"

Is there a way towards peace and acceptance that isn't NC? Is it possible to "fake it till you make it?"

How can I get out of this hole that I am digging myself into? 

[Mutt]

Hi KC,

There's more than meets the eye. You were in that household, just because your ex is in something new, dysfunction doesn't go away. She may think that you're peeking on Facebook. I think that if you didn't have NC or minimal contact, it would prolong healing. Do you work out? Do you like going for a walk? A drive? Maybe call a family member or a friend and go out?

[kc sunshine]

Thanks dear Mutt, for responding.

Is it the nature of relapse, that you spiral down like this? That the floodgates open and you start checking everything?

And then I'm thinking bad thoughts about myself, like "whoa, if I'm this crazy about detaching, she was smart to get out of it with me."

Hi KC,

There's more than meets the eye. You were in that household, just because your ex is in something new, dysfunction doesn't go away. She may think that you're peeking on Facebook. I think that if you didn't have NC or minimal contact, it would prolong healing. Do you work out? Do you like going for a walk? A drive? Maybe call a family member or a friend and go out?

[Ahoy]

Hi KC, I haven't been on here for a while and I was about to reply to another post when I saw this one. I also just read how you broke NC and the results of that.

KC I've followed your story for a while, I see how much you have struggled with dealing with your separation but I also see a lot of personal growth you have made in understanding and accepting this disorder.

I'll use a personal example, I KNOW beyond a shred of doubt my ex had two affairs before we separated. But about 4 months ago when my ex last contacted me, she sent an 'explanation' email denying any such thing and casually palming off her actions as a giant misunderstanding.

Man, I was rocked for a good 15 minutes, I doubted everything I had learned about BPD and also doubted my beliefs about her actions. You know what I did? I trusted in my newfound knowledge of my ex and about this disorder.

Sure enough a few weeks later one of the people she cheated on me managed to find me and call me, told me about all the terrible things my ex said about me to garner sympathy from her new partner (while I thought we were still happily married)

KC, right now you are on struggle street, I'm guessing this contact with your ex has pushed you (temporarily) back into feelings of FOG. I remember immediately post-separation, I had an urge to contact my ex about every 10 days, even if I got a negative response it sort of just eased my addition that I had with her and our relationship.

If your ex is indeed a BPD, her life is and will always be full of self-inflicted misery and chaos BUT like anyone here she will have times when she is happy. Maybe she is genuinely happy, maybe it's all smoke and mirrors (who really knows).

I'm NC now, of course I'm pained the blackest of black so I don't have a choice but at 11 months removed and starting to finally date again, I will happily say my life is better and more fulfilling when my days are not spent looking at her facebook pictures or trying to guess how her happiness is. I know nothing about her now, I don't even have a mobile number, yes she still occupies a small place in my conscience but I can get on with my life a lot easier.

I advocate NC in your instance, let your feelings settle, trust in your knowledge about your ex and this disorder. Step back, have a nice hot bath and remember to always look after yourself first =)

[Mutt]

I agree with everything Ahoy said. Get back on the horse and set the boundary with no contact. Its important to take of yourself and do self care often.

[valet]

Hey kc, sounds like you need a firmer boundary for yourself.

Maybe try blocking her. It sounds like a rash decision, but think about your goals.

No one is perfect, and there were plenty of times that I got stuck in that Facebook wormhole. All did it was create more anxiety and stress for me. And I was hard on myself about it too, which didn't help matters at all.

I think it's probably possible to have some kind of a meaningful relationship, but that's not going to happen unless a.) you straighten yourself out on this and give yourself the space to heal, and b.) she gets helps with her problems and makes an honest effort to look into her own patterns of thought and behavior.

And again, you can't control whether or not option b.) happens. So you really only have one choice, the way that I would describe it. Either way, best wishes. We're all rooting for you.

[kc sunshine]

Thanks you guys, so much, for being here. I'm without words right now, and still trying to come out of the spiral. Hopefully a good night sleep will help. And your all's words totally do.

Is there any good that came out of the spiral do you think? Here are possibilities:

It's good that my ex had a chance to say goodbye to my mom, even if the result is that I hit the skids afterwards.

It's good that I know "reality" -- that is, that my ex is still very involved and living with her new girlfriend.



 

[patientandclear]

I used to look (three years ago) ... .For the reasons you're saying: I was sort of checking whether it was REALLY true that he was doing things so at odds with what I thought our deal was together. It was necessary for me to deeply absorb the truth of that. But after that point, there was nothing more to learn and it was hurting me. So I stopped, and have religiously observed not looking at his stuff since, except during a few periods when he and I were actively working on our stuff. I have misgivings about various decisions I've made about him but none about the choice not to look for him online. It's a deep commitment to myself that I really like having made.

Once when he got back in touch, I broke the barrier and looked at his stuff because I wanted to assess what was going on. When I sat down at the keyboard to do that, my body started to shake. There was this really sense of a barrier that had kept me safe coming down.

At this point, I don't think it would hurt me so much, whatever I'd learn, because I no longer care so much. But that only happened with time and being insulated from new input and new information to speculate about.

[troisette]

Hi KC

Today is Thanksgiving, these holidays are so emotive for us. Tomorrow it won't be Thanksgiving and hopefully, the trigger will have lessened when you realise you got through it!

When I split with my ex many people in our small town were amazed. "But you were such a perfect couple", "You were such a good match", "You were always so happy together".

My ex is quiet waif type. Skilled at masking his emotions when socialising, well mostly - and the people in his group are not observant and didn't notice the dissociation or mood swings. One New Year's Eve, when he was throwing a party, he told me an hour beforehand that he wished he wasn't giving the party, didn't feel like it, didn't want to see anyone. I was sympathetic. The first guests arrived and I was amazed at how he became a convivial host, life and soul of the party, hail fellow well met.

People thought we were the perfect couple; but they weren't in the house, behind the front door when the mask was dropped and his complex problems were evident.

"It really seems as though they are a happy household" Hmmm. You are understandably emotional due to Thanksgiving. Take breath. I think, in time, you'll find this is not the case.

In the meantime, cut yourself some emotional slack. What you are feeling is understandable. And tomorrow, it won't be Thanksgiving. Good vibes to you.