Feeling desperate urge to contact

[CooperD]

My first day back at work for 3 weeks following the divorce papers being dropped on me by the BPD and i'm struggling.  Trying fo pretend everything is ok yet im so broken inside.

I have come so close to emailing her this morning but am posting in here to try to stop me (i still dont know how angry she is but her last email was threatening me with harrasment)

I know it could be extreme folly to email her but can feel it building in me

This is what I wrote this morning and wanted to send -

------------------------------------------------

Dear... .

I write to you with calm, acceptance and only love for you and my email relates to practicalities.

I am so sorry our relationship broke down and came to cause us both pain and suffering.

I am so devastated that our marriage has not worked or even had the chance to start.

I accept what has happened and accept my own role and responsibility for things my side for how damaged things became.

I really did and do love you xxxx  - i have looked through all our pictures and our videos in munich and there was such love there and its with such sadness that this has failed.

Could you please confirm what is happening with dates of the hearing or the papers in the US

I will deal with notification of the visa and was hoping you could confirm to me what the reference for your application was

Could i also please request access to the wedding photographs

I send this email to you with only respect, forgiveness and kindess  and hope that it is received in that way

Love

--------------------------

Not sure if i should send it and it would be received as intended

Its just so painful

[patientandclear]

When someone tells you not to contact them and threatens an RO, it is, for sure, a mistake to contact that person.

All the more so with so much emotion that the contact appears to be emotion cloaked in the rationale of a logistical question.

Re what will happen if you send: at worst, further action to legally prohibit you from contact (I'm not saying there are the legal grounds for an RO but she may seek one and you're not there to contest it).

At best: you've played into various narratives in her head--that you are a stalker who can't stop; that it was all your fault (the apology). You are telling her what she feels ("all this pain for both of us" when she is not presently acknowledging pain) and how she should feel ("there was so much love".

There may come a time when you can talk to her under better terms. If you get to that point, there are communications approaches taught on the other boards here that you might want to explore.

It makes perfect sense that you want to contact her. You two were close, then she changed and now you're unnaturally cut off. But it isn't likely true that you will actually feel better after sending something like this, is it?

[Hisaccount]

I know exactly how you are feeling. Don't do it.

It sounds like you are torturing yourself enough as it is. Wait it out. If you want to be friends it can happen but you need to let go first.

I have these exact same issues, I fight the same things, like I can somehow reason with her, but we have to remember they think differently, they are at a different place than we are, otherwise they would not have left.

When I started interacting on this board it was about how do I get my Ex back? She filed divorce on me. Just bam it was a shock. Now I am trying to let her go.
Just last night I put a screen saver on my phone that says,
I lost my best friend today, she didn't die, she just gave up on me.

Remember that, she gave up on you. Not your fault it is because of her own issues, but can you ever really trust someone like that again? Would you want someone like that as a friend?

You right now are her trigger. I am the same for my ex. I tell her the sunset is beautiful and she will yell at me for trying to control how she feels about the sunset.

No contact is the best, let her reach out. Let her calm down.
She will reach out. They always do.

[Pretty Woman]

Coop,
  Please do not send this.

I know it hurts and you are having a rough day. I am so glad you posted here first.
 

The response you will very likely get will hurt you much more than your desire to reach out to her, and you are just back at work... .you don't need a RO being delivered to your job or threatening your livelihood. You really don't.

Your letter is very heartfelt. I can tell you want to tell her all those things at the beginning more than get the info on the court stuff/wedding pics etc. It's cleverly disguised but if you are painted black she will rip you to shreds.

Right now:

She's not sorry your relationship broke down
She's not devastated your marriage didn't work
She doesn't accept what happened because in her mind it's ALL YOUR FAULT

It's irrational, it's hurtful but at this stage trying to "change her mind" or make her see how you feel will only result in vitrol being hurled your way or worse. You cannot rationalize with an irrational person.

If you send this it will only clarify all of the above... .we know none of the above is true and it isn't all your fault, but once you are painted black the gloves are off.

Is there a way you can find out about the papers WITHOUT contacting her directly... .perhaps through an attorney or directly contacting the courts?

Coop, it's no longer about the both of you. It's about you.  At first, I felt that was very selfish but now I realize... .I needed to love myself more than her. In the end, that self-love and respect got me back on track.

This all takes time. None of us are perfect, we make mistakes.
Don't be hard on yourself but at the same time, love yourself enough to know "you got this". You WILL be ok.

One day at a time my friend, one day at a time.

 

[Pretty Woman]

And HisAccount is right... .she will likely reach out eventually. When she is lonely or doesn't have someone around to tolerate her BS.

My hope for you is by the time that happens you will have healed enough not to respond. I know right now you are craving contact from her. Eventually... .
you won't.

It's a very one-sided relationship. While we suffer they are off having fun. It's funny how they expect us to take them back after they ripped our hearts to shreds. We lay broken and battered after they say hateful things to us and threaten RO's and then one day they show up on the doorstep like nothing ever happened, proclaiming we are the "love of their lives".

No, we are doormats they used once before and think they can again.

I did this several times until I took a good hard look at what had happened in our relationship, how lonely I was and dejected. In dealing with my own issues I realized why I stayed so long and have spent the greater part of the last year getting ME back.

It's a lot of work but the payoff is amazing.

Hang in there!

[CooperD]

Patientandclear / hisaccount & pretty woman,

Thank you so much for your responses earlier - I read each of them  in the bathroom at work and they helped calm me down and knock sense into me to not send her the email as I was close.

I'm home now - no email was sent to her / no contact maintained and im about to cook some burgers.

Everything each of you said is right - I know i am a huge trigger to her right now and nothing I can say / write is going to make any difference at all beyond hurting me even more when she does respond.

At worst yes she does try to contact my work / RO and I lose my job - my home and am in a far worse position.

She is out having fun now im sure - when i looked at her twitter the other week (terrible mistake i know) there was a picture of her out track racing a porsche / also her tweeting about going for drinks and dancing.

I interpret that as her trying to mask internal pain by putting on a front but i could be completely wrong and maybe she is over joyed.

[Pretty Woman]

Cooper, burgers sound delicious! How do you like yours? I'm eating a black bean one for lunch today (from the cafeteria) lots of hot peppers and some pepper jack cheese. I like em spicy!

Do yourself a favor and get off social media or block her. It only hurts you, esp at this stage. My ex currently has a profile pic up of her and her GF sharing an Ice Cream. I know for a fact they just got in a huge fight and she is staying at someone elses place.

Pictures mean nothing. All they are are means of manipulating various parties and enablers in their circle. From the outside everyone thinks things are fine and dandy with my ex and her girlfriend... .
they aren't.

Right now your beloved ex relishes in HURTING you. She knows you are looking and indirectly that is still contact. NC is none of the above... .no verbal, physical and no social media snooping.
 It's not easy but it's for the best. 

Go enjoy your burgers

[Hisaccount]

Dude, I so feel for you. I see you doing exactly the things I did.
Reading on this board helps and it hurts, you see people making it work and people that are happy to get away.

I sit here and write this and say if I had another shot I could make it work. That is what my heart says. My head says run.

This I do know for sure. Stop trying to find her. Stop looking for her.

After I first got served with divorce papers my first instinct was to copy every picture in existence of her so I would always have those. Then I realized how much worse it was making me feel.
It is stupid, don't do that. It only makes it worse. If she comes back then I will go get new pictures. If not, then I haven't tortured myself worse.

I unfriended her on Facebook and all forms of media. It was hard but it was the right thing to do. Helped me resist the temptation. Now I cannot torture myself as easily.

Mine did the same things, she went to parties, posted pictures, seemed so happy without me.
She isn't though, she isn't happy, she is just trying to survive like you are.

It took me a couple weeks before I could function again and I was doing great but then we all have weak moments.

Join a dating site and don't talk about your ex. LOL At first the dating site was depressing the first few women I tried to contact just were not even close to what I had or what I wanted, but keep trying. It will put into perspective what you had. Good or bad.
So randomly I started talking to one gal, she is a couple hours away, not my type but we had dinner and her and I have no future but for the first time in years I feel like I will be okay again. She restored my faith in humanity. LOL. I was inspired again.
I have back slide since but that two or three days was amazing. Because of her I knew I would be okay and it gave me the confidence to stand firm on the lessons I learn here.

You can do this.