It's been a while..here's what's up

[dramaqueenjs]

Hi there,
I am hoping to find some support in dealing with my sister who has BPD - or at least this is the diagnosis that seems to have stuck. They're also throwing around the idea of bipolar or schizophrenia but BPD seems to be the one that has been settled on for now. She is 32, is completely dependent on my mom to support her and her son and is deteriorating quickly. Over the years she has struggled with drug addiction, involved herself with gang members, and has struggled with eating disorders for which she is currently awaiting treatment.

My current struggle is in the was that her illness is affecting the relationships within my family. I, myself, am struggling with a health condition. I have been diagnosed with vestibular neuronitis and am coping with all the "fun" that brings. I was hospitalized for 3 days and away from work and while I appear to be "normal" at the moment, I'm still unable to fully resume all the things I love to do thanks to vertigo.
Over the years, when my sister is having a particularly bad time, she generally targets me and the reason for all of her problems. I am older than her by 5 years and therefor all her problems are my fault. She references events that I'm pretty sure never happened, or that happened so long ago I barely remember them (and when I do, what I remember is fairly different that what she says).
This time, however, I feel like she has crossed a line that she can't come back from. While I was in the hospital, unable to walk without supervision and at the weakest I have ever been she attacked both myself and my husband with some of the most abusive things I have ever heard.
While my mom was visiting me, she called her, demanding that she leave and come back home and when my mom told her that she intended to visit a while longer, my sister became enraged. I started getting phone calls and texts telling me I was faking, that I was a liar and I had no right to my mother's time. When I didn't answer, she went after my husband. She sent the same messages to him, but added accusations that no one likes us, my nephew hates me, that she'd rather kill herself than be around us because we are so horrible, that I beat my mom, threatened to kill my nephew while he was in the womb and that the only reason that I was in the hospital was because I wanted to take attention away from her. I was still hooked up to an IV while she was having my nephew CALL my husband to cancel a trip we'd planned with him. She threw my husband's divorce in his face, told him I was a b*tch and he needed to get some balls and that my whole family knew that I was full of crap. She threatened to come and "give us something to be upset about". I was so scared I notified hospital security.
Her attacks were so brutal that I told my mom not to come pick me up when I was discharged and had my father in law drive in from out of town instead.
I was devastated. I still am devastated. I am used to being attacked by her, but not when I'm at my worst. Not when I'm dealing with an infection that messes with your brain.
We are coming up to Christmas and I have no idea what to do about the holidays. We usually spend them with my family and this year, we have a cruise planned with my mom, sister and nephew over new years. At this point, my mom is talking about cancelling their part. I feel like my sister has held the whole family hostage.

[Woolspinner2000]

Hi Dramaqueenjs! 

I am really sorry to hear of your severe illness. I've known others who suffer from vertigo and it seems awful. To make matters worse, your sister is not able to have any empathy or understanding it seems. To kick someone when they are down seems the hardest of all to handle.

It sounds like your sister definitely has something going on. While we are not able to diagnose BPD on the site, obviously she is exhibiting a lot of the common traits of pwBPD. Have you read up on BPD enough to pick up on what rings true to you from the things she does? Obviously she rages uncontrollably. It is extremely hurtful to ever be treated so abusively by anyone, let alone a family member.

It's really important that you shift and focus the attention and energy you have to you, and keep as much emotional energy away from your sister or thinking about her as you can. Be kind to yourself and maintain healthy boundaries, even if she rages at you. You cannot control her or her response but you can work and learn to care for yourself.

You are doing well at staying the course with her and not feeding her dysfunction. What would you like to do for Christmas? Would you also like to cancel the cruise? Think of yourself first and go from there. I'll be interested in hearing your thoughts.

 
Wools

[dramaqueenjs]

Hi Dramaqueenjs! 

I am really sorry to hear of your severe illness. I've known others who suffer from vertigo and it seems awful. To make matters worse, your sister is not able to have any empathy or understanding it seems. To kick someone when they are down seems the hardest of all to handle.

It sounds like your sister definitely has something going on. While we are not able to diagnose BPD on the site, obviously she is exhibiting a lot of the common traits of pwBPD. Have you read up on BPD enough to pick up on what rings true to you from the things she does? Obviously she rages uncontrollably. It is extremely hurtful to ever be treated so abusively by anyone, let alone a family member.

It's really important that you shift and focus the attention and energy you have to you, and keep as much emotional energy away from your sister or thinking about her as you can. Be kind to yourself and maintain healthy boundaries, even if she rages at you. You cannot control her or her response but you can work and learn to care for yourself.

You are doing well at staying the course with her and not feeding her dysfunction. What would you like to do for Christmas? Would you also like to cancel the cruise? Think of yourself first and go from there. I'll be interested in hearing your thoughts.

 
Wools

I'm rolling with the BPD diagnosis because it was the one that she was given years ago. It's only recently that I've been told that there are other possibilities but I've studied psychology because it's part of my degree and BPD is very logical given what I know.

As for the rest of it: it's a huge mess. I am trying so hard not to let her invade our lives with negativity but she is a constant topic of conversation. Even something as simple as going to my aunt's to watch a football game is a huge debate because "what if she's there"?  She controls most of the family - they are too afraid to question her behavior and I am often left feeling like the bad guy because I think it's time someone told her that her choices aren't appropriate and that it's not ok to treat people in that way.  My husband is particularly angry right now and doesn't help the Christmas situation. He is always bugging me about what we are going to do and it causes me huge stress. Only one year have I not been with my Mom for Christmas - and that was the last time that my sister behaved so badly that we couldn't be around.  The heartbreaker is that Christmas is extra special for my family. My dad passed away at Christmas in 98 so there is extra draw to be together. I look forward to the tradition of sleeping at my Mom's and waking up with my family- dragging my nephew out of bed and watching as everyone explores what Santa brought. While the pain she has caused makes it almost impossible to have that, I don't know what else we would do. It would end up just being my husband and I and our dogs. It would be a lonely Christmas. But - by the same token - to go there would also be painful.
The Cruise is easy. We are going. My best friend and her kids are also on the trip so we have some wonderful people to travel with. My husband and I plan to road trip down to the port and take days to explore around the Southern States and even head back to New Orleans, which we love. That part is easy. The tough part is that if my Mom cancels I selfishly feel like she's "picked a kid". And I know that's not fair but when I was sick and needed her she couldn't be there because my sister stopped her. And if she cancels the trip that I planned and organized, it would break my heart. But then again, if they don't cancel, how do I go on a trip with my family and need to stay away from them out of fear of being attacked again? My sister has zero hesitation when it comes to berating me in front of her son. She uses him as a weapon frequently. If he starts to enjoy spending time with us, she instantly takes him away.

The worst part of all of this is that because of the side effects of the viral infection I'm dealing with, my skin is not so thick. Depression, anxiety and derealization are all side effects of the illness and that means that the hurtful things she said are staying with me in ways they usually wouldn't.  I'm just at a loss.

[Woolspinner2000]

Thank you for the reply, Dramaqueenjs. I can sure understand how this infection is affecting all of you. We are body, mind, and soul, and when one part gets sick, it affects the other parts as well. Take care of yourself and get better!

It's only recently that I've been told that there are other possibilities but I've studied psychology because it's part of my degree and BPD is very logical given what I know.

Have you ever read the book I Hate you-Don't Leave Me? There is a great illustration within the pages of this book (be sure to get the updated/revised edition) that shows how BPD is 'bordered' by many other disorders. The only thing my uBPDm was ever diagnosed with that I know is PTSD. From my own experience, I would also say that she was Bipolar, ADD, histrionic, and so on. Those are all possible disorders that can accompany BPD, so it is not unusual that there are other possibilities with your sister.

Here is a random thought that I have about the cruise or about your family Christmas. Sometimes on this site the suggestion has been made that a person be assigned to stick right with the pwBPD to give them lots of attention and to help deflect the 'normal' BPD behavior which I know you want to avoid. For example, can you invite over a family or a friend or two who may not have someplace to go for Christmas, and thus include them with your family? BPDs normally don't act up so much around others outside of the family realm, for they don't want to show who they really are. The same thought might help with the cruise. Don't be alone with her at any time, make sure there are others around you all the time.

What do you think of these possibilities? Maybe some others can give you some ideas too.

 
Wools

[dramaqueenjs]

Thanks for the book suggestion, I will check it out!

Having others around is a really great suggestion. Often that does change her behavior a little, although lately, she is still raging even with others present. My aunt told us that my sister threw a tantrum in front of her because she felt that my mom should stay home instead of going to the symphony with my aunt. This apparently left my aunt sitting in the car while my mom explained to my sister that she had plans to go to the symphony and was going anyway.

Having someone else around will definitely happen on the cruise as my best friend and her family are coming on vacation with us. At this point, it seems as though even though we are on the same ship that the vacations will be very separate. I will be with my friend and my family will be together. Breaks my heart to know I won't be able to be with my mom and nephew on the vacation that I planned. And really, the vacation is happening because I planned, coordinated and hyped it up. It feels a bit like it's being ripped away from me. But, I'm trying to remember that I will have my husband and my friend, that we love cruising and have a whole unique trip planned.

My Mom seems to have currently made the decision about Christmas. It sounds as though we will not be following our regular Christmas traditions and I will not be spending Christmas eve and Christmas morning with my mom. My mom asked me how I felt about it and I told her that I had no idea how to feel but that it made me really sad that we wouldn't be spending Christmas together because of the choices my sister has made. That, as an adult, I was capable of setting aside my hurt and anger because it's important to be together at Christmas but that I understand that it's not something she is able to do (although, for the life of me, I can't figure out what she has to be so angry about. )
Truthfully, it goes beyond sad. I feel like I'm being pushed out of my family because people are so afraid of upsetting her. I'm angry with her that she's done this and I'm frustrated that people continually allow her to set the "rules". It even extends beyond to our extended family because neither of my aunt's feel that they can talk openly about her choices, they cater to keeping the peace.
I feel like a lot of the things I love are getting taken away and it's not even something of my own doing. I am being fractured out of my family because my sister has control, I love Christmas and those traditions are being taken, the vacation I looked forward to is being affected and it's all out of my control. I realize that it all sounds a little self pitying, and I don't want to come across that way, but being the target of her raging, often I feel as though I'm being punished even through she is the one who is flying off the handle. I am forever confused as to people forever try to cater to her and how it is that I end up taking responsibility and trying to rectify things even when I've done nothing wrong.