Anyone keep coming here to maintain a semblance of r/s with ex?

[joeramabeme]

Became aware of my minds silent processing the other day.  Wondering what happened with my ex, I miss the r/s, the interactions, a confidant.  What happened . . . What Happened . . .  I better get online and read about what happened.  Almost like I would find her here and I could ask.

I am not totally alone, but I feel lonely in this world.  This was the r/s I had worked so hard for - and it was not durable.  I keep thinking; isn't she lonely too?

We live 10 minutes away from one another.  Haven't said a word to each other in a year.  I have seen her drive by the house at least twice -  am sure there have been more occasions.   I am on Match.com and so is she.  I joined the fun Meetup.com group and she did too.  I get weekly reminders of the events that she is hosting.  WTF!

To me, these "social" groups are nothing more than wall-putty masking the healthy hole I have of wanting to intimately share my life with another.  I know that she believes that she made a better choice joining socially disconnected groups of people rather than working on having a family with me and on herself.

Nothing in my life sucks - in fact, many people would love to have many of the things that I do have.  Yet, I feel isolated and separated, left cutting my dreams out of my heart after having already spent way too much of my early life being lonely.  I spent so much time working on fixing broken soul-pieces only to end up aware of what was wrong with me but no more enriched by the effort.

A part of my insides are giving up.  I can't deny it anymore, I just don't see the purpose of grinding on in life as a stranger in a strange world made even stranger by my ex-wife living down the street and Match.com telling me that we are 100% matched.

I recently noticed myself coming to this site to stay connected with memories of my ex.  Now that this awareness is clear to me, there is less of a reason to be here and my life is becoming further un-tethered from the only thing I ever felt like was worth investing in.  Yes - even with all the BPD!  She was the best thing that ever happened in my life.  Either pay a price with dysfunction or pay it through isolation from those that never dealt with all this brokeness.

I am not angry with her.  She is doing what she wants for herself, even if I think she is doing it because of the BP.  In fact, none of my problems have anything to do with her at all, they all stem from my childhood.  I just picked her to reenact all of the dysfunction with and gained so many more insights into myself that in the end amount to more isolated awareness of my life.

Now that I know what happened with me and my wife - it doesnt seem to add up to a bit of difference.  

So, why are you coming here?

[Tobiasfunke]

Wow. Nailed it. Exactly. I was finishing sentences without reading them. Sums it up.
I guess I come here when I feel crappy, or more lonely or if I feel I'm getting angry about something she did. I guess I differ in that we have kids together so I'm forced to see her as who she is not what she used to be or I believed her to be. But those feelings of missing what we had even buried under all the bs I still would have stuck it out. But that probably speaks to my weaknesses short comings or mental illness. But it's comforting coming here and seeing I'm not the only one grinding it out trying to put this behind me. Believe me I long for the day I don't visit this site or evening think about it. For now I'm glad it is available to me

[valet]

What I realize in hindsight was that I was using the boards to maintain an unhealthy connection with my ex. So I was. A big reason for learning here was to keep the peace at some level. It wasn't all about her. But it was a driving factor in my decision making process. I don't regret it.

Things feel different now. I'm over that hump and really feel like I finally am in that place where self-improvement is mostly about me. Sure, I have needs. I need friends and I generally want people to like me... .but that's not enough for me to sacrifice myself in ways that are harmful to me anymore.

All in all, I think that this was a necessary part of the detachment process. I had to see it from all angles—and I'd say I did a fairly thorough job at that. It was only until I saw a bigger picture that I was able to make the best decisions for myself. And that takes time.

[Curiously1]

When I still wanted to be with my ex, there were points in time where I was hoping to get reassurance of the kinds of actions I might take to get her back etc. And that's pretty normal. Tuning into topics that I thought benefitted what I wanted at the time and encouraged what I want to do and maintain my connection with her. That is why there are different boards as well. 'saving a relationship' 'dettachment from a failed relationship' and so on. Now that I am further in my dettachment and have decided I do not want to get back together with my ex for the person she is right now, I have to say coming on here still reassures me with that frame of mind also. This forum I use for discussions and educational purposes. Sometimes I just think of something or want to share something with others and see what discussions come out of that. I am always curious about other people's perspectives and topics relating to people's psychology. It is good that you are supported here no matter where you are and what you choose to do. I care about understanding BPD because I found this was a best way for me to find closure, know what part I played in the relationship, and to forgive my ex. It's a process, and sometimes your intentions of using the boards change overtime. The best thing to do is to focus on yourself and to become healthier whether that is still having your BPD in your life or moving on without them. It should be more about feeling better and feeling like you have more control over whatever situation you are in than seen it as something to avoid or a hindrance to recovery because you are still healing and on the subject of BPD and attached to your ex during your time on the boards. It's best not to isolate yourself, or feel bad if you feel you are 'relapsing' or not doing so well on given days. Recovery is not so linear and we just have to be patient and not so hard on ourselves as we've all been through a lot. I still think this is a good online resource and best to stay connected and supported by others than to try figuring things out alone.

[woundedPhoenix]

Interesting observation. Do we spend time here to be able to re-experience the r/s, as it is the only way we still can invest energy into something that is lost and gone?

A part of it yes, there is still some resistance to really let go... .something still needs "reframing" before we really can accept and let go.

And i think that process at a certain point in recovery no longer has anything to do with our exes specifically, they just are a representation of our struggle to transform after these r/s.


This morning i was thinking about the dating profile i made through which i met my ex 7 years ago, around this time of the year.

It was not the ussual dating profile, i actually did not present any personal information in it,
Instead i spoofed it like i was an inmate in a prison, a type no-one would like to date, and i found it hilariously funny - it actually was - and i assumed the True One for me would read into that irony.

What i only understand now, is that that metaphor also had a subconscious message to it. Even though i was going strong in life at that time, and i had a lot to be happy about, deep inside, i was a prisoner too, certain parts of me were locked down and suppressed, i was trapped inside my own prison. I rejected certain bright and dark sides of me.

What my BPDex was able to do is take me out of that self-imposed prison, make me feel whole by bringing all these locked-down sides of me to the surface. Both my brightly shining inner child, and it's repressed darker counterpart. And as the relationship unfolded and the "connecting" moments became more and more rare, those parts of me slowly died off again. And devaluation and discard really put the key back on the prison door.

Now i realise that it is MY mission to bring those parts back to life myself, i have seen those parts now, and i have seen why they where locked up to begin with.

I don't need my ex no longer to do that, she did a magnificent job on that in loving me, but i realise i only needed her to show me what was hidden inside of me for all my life,
so that i finally could connect to all of that on my own. Without a mirror.

[beggarsblanket]

JRB, thank you for writing this out. You offer so many insights into healing. The biggest thing I notice is letting go. How can I tell when I am free to let go? Letting go is difficult for me, but your marker is a good one: no longer needing to be at this site. I am sure I will let go one day, but it is beyond me right now. In my experience, grief tarries.

Although being at this site may perpetuate thoughts of my BPD ex, I don't need this site to do so. I do it on my own, with every romantic loss, and it always lasts for months. This loss is greater than previous losses.

My reason for being here is simple. My friends can only listen to so much pain. They helped me through the worst of my grief, but my pain is larger than this lost relationship. My pain is now more about me and my life to date than it is about my BPD ex. I have one good friend who has gone above and beyond in helping me with many of my problems, from bipolar and anxiety to general romantic woes and life issues. He is strong, and I know I can still count on him, but even he has limits.

I am also at this site to take stock of my life. I am 40 years old. My youth, ages 18 to 38, was clouded by undiagnosed or untreated mental illness, mostly dysphoria, some mania, lots of anxiety and panic. I have recovered from the bipolar, but all those years of pain and confusion have left their mark on many areas of my life, including romantic relationships.

In the last two years, I've done a fair bit of reading on relationships in general. I'd like to compare notes with others who are healing and striving for good relationships in their own lives.

[Rubies]

I came to BPD Family to learn more about what I was dealing with in the nightmare marriage.  I didn't join discussion groups until his departure.  That was 6 years ago.  This place helped me plot through divorce, custody and life recovery, which is a work in progress.  I went NC with BPDxh as soon as he got a lawyer and I maintain that boundary.   At no time did I ever wish to have him back in my life.   

Not having to deal with his garbage made room to finally deal with my issues, my FOO, my solutions that work for me.   Turns out xh wasn't the only BPD or NPD in my life.  I got the support here to deal, establish boundaries and enforce them without feeling their judgments and accusations for being "bad" or "mean."  Those who are still in my life learned to be respectful, the rest are gone.  I still come to BPD family because I have issues arise that only people here can understand. 

I think the most frustrating and perhaps stressful thing about coming to BPD Family is how much other members are still focused on the ex. It seems many are caught in a chemical addiction of pining for a person who never was.   I did that during the marriage.  It's over, I'm free to deal with the issues that put me in the relationship and kept me there way too long.  I love my new life, I plan to keep healing and rebuilding.  Life is too short to do anything less.