Introduction. My wife is an "invisible" Borderline.

[Depression = 72% of members]

I've been with her for 3 years. I'm twice her age. My therapist recommended The Family Guide a couple of years ago and I found out about the invisible borderline. She does extremely well at all things, except us. She's accelerated on her job, raise after raise after promotion. Now she works 24/7, travels and ignores me. She makes a ton of money and I don't.

left her six times in the past 60 days. She has a therapist who is dealing w her trauma w EMDR for the past few months.

That therapist recommended Emotionally Focused Therapy for couples. We went to one session, at a $225 cash fee. She thought the therapist agreed with her and rubbed my face in it how he was going to set me straight. I was shocked that he said my leaving her was abusive. I've never been abusive to her but apparently from a nervous system perspective, she sees it as death.

She canceled our 2nd session, saying it was too expensive. So I found us another EFT therapist for less. Made us an appointment. She canceled that. Tried to make another one and can't get her to reply to the lady's email to set something up.

She says I can't move back in this time. But it's my apartment too and I'm on the lease. I only leave to protect myself. Now I have serious PTSD and can barely function. Going to see my therapist this afternoon. I always had PTSD but at least I could deal with my life. Now I go into panic seizures at the drop of a hat. When I try to leave her, I feel hopeless, even suicidal.

Now I'm resigned to staying in the relationship but it's really very painful and I'm quite depressed. i keep watching EFT videos, stuff on trauma and BPD. Trying to understand. Most people who know me say get out, stay out and never look back. My wife has me blocked on Social Media. She told her office that I was abusive so they all think we're not even together. It's really a very crushing situation.

[RobinHood]

I've been with her for 3 years. I'm twice her age. My therapist recommended The Family Guide a couple of years ago and I found out about the invisible borderline. She does extremely well at all things, except us. She's accelerated on her job, raise after raise after promotion. Now she works 24/7, travels and ignores me. She makes a ton of money and I don't.

left her six times in the past 60 days. She has a therapist who is dealing w her trauma w EMDR for the past few months.

That therapist recommended Emotionally Focused Therapy for couples. We went to one session, at a $225 cash fee. She thought the therapist agreed with her and rubbed my face in it how he was going to set me straight. I was shocked that he said my leaving her was abusive. I've never been abusive to her but apparently from a nervous system perspective, she sees it as death.

She canceled our 2nd session, saying it was too expensive. So I found us another EFT therapist for less. Made us an appointment. She canceled that. Tried to make another one and can't get her to reply to the lady's email to set something up.

She says I can't move back in this time. But it's my apartment too and I'm on the lease. I only leave to protect myself. Now I have serious PTSD and can barely function. Going to see my therapist this afternoon. I always had PTSD but at least I could deal with my life. Now I go into panic seizures at the drop of a hat. When I try to leave her, I feel hopeless, even suicidal.

Now I'm resigned to staying in the relationship but it's really very painful and I'm quite depressed. i keep watching EFT videos, stuff on trauma and BPD. Trying to understand. Most people who know me say get out, stay out and never look back. My wife has me blocked on Social Media. She told her office that I was abusive so they all think we're not even together. It's really a very crushing situation.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[ArleighBurke]

RobinHood:

It sounds like a tough situation to be in. I hope you can find help and answers on this site.

Firstly: how is YOUR mental health? You say:
- you have PTSD
- you are twice her age (so there's at LEAST a 20yr age gap - possibly more)
- "When I try to leave her, I feel hopeless, even suicidal. "
- "Now I'm resigned to staying in the relationship"

To be with a BPD person requires a LOT of emotional strength. If you don't have this to start with, you will be crushed by her. I believe you are staying with her for the wrong reasons.

You are currently living separate from her, I suggest you STAY separate from her. You need to work on your own issues first, before you have any hope of having a lasting relationship with her. If at all possible, I would even suggest "having a break" from her to work on yourself - if that is possible.

Your health is #1 priority.

[Meili]

I would like to join AB in welcoming you and echo his words.

Right now is a great time for you to really work on yourself. Take the space and time given to you by the separation to work on getting emotionally stronger. You are going to need that strength in order to maintain the relationship. I will add that it would be wise to tell her that you're not leaving her, you're just giving the two of you a moment and room to breath.

Before I learned that there are better ways to handle things, I did the same thing that you did and would end my relationship with my x when things too out of control. It was very damaging to both her and the relationship. It was one of the first things that I saw when I started looking at my role in everything. I suggest that while you have this time to slow down and think that you look at the part that you played in all of this. It will definitely help guide you in figuring out how to do things differently in the future. Other than leaving six times, do you see other things that you may have done in the relationship that could have been handled better?

Please, do not get me wrong, I'm not placing blame on you for anything. The simple reality is that you have no control over her, so the only thing that we have to work with is you. That's why it's important to look at ourselves when we are trying to repair a relationship.

It's good to hear that you are already seeing a therapist. That will also help you because these relationship are hard. As AB said,

To be with a BPD person requires a LOT of emotional strength. If you don't have this to start with, you will be crushed by her.

There are some links in the sidebar on the right that will help you navigate all of this. Please take a look at them and keep posting. It helps to talk about it and we've all been there in one form or another so we can relate.

[bpdhusband1993]

I've been doing this with my wife for 23 years.  It only got really bad about 8 years ago when her mother died.  I had to deal with two suicide attempts, her blaming me, her blaming my family, bursts of anger, threats of leaving, etc... .  I had to let go of my hobby (music), my leadership at church, our sex-live is mostly non-existent... .No fun.  If I try to discuss it with her this leads to more anger, more withdrawl... .I hate (maybe too strong, but) my marriage right now.
If you don't have children... .I would get out.  I can't believe that I'd ever advocate for divorce, but if your wife has BPD and you are stable, it is not fair for you and I would not wish it on anyone.
I'm only still here because we have two children and I do not want to pass down the curse onto them anymore than it already has.  My wife's BPD is mostly due (I believe) to her traumatic childhood.  I won't go into that - but it has not gotten better.  If anything, we've had fewer swings, but the swings we've had have been more extreme.
Get out.

[RobinHood]

I hear you man. That's rough. What I've been through is my entire life has been turned upside down. I've lost all of my possessions, save what can fit in my car. She's triangulated me at three of her workplaces. I've done nothing to her, yet everyone thinks I'm some kind of abusive ass. She's been arrested for smashing my phone during a 911 call after she threatened to take my dogs and beat up my ex girlfriend. She was on the roof of my car in the middle of the street as I tried to drive off. Another time she slashed my tires in front of me while I was holding my little dog trying to slip away from her around the corner. That time there were police helicopters, dogs after her but she got away and came back promising to go to therapy. I could tell 20 more stories-all of them mind blowing.

Before I met her I was in a relationship for over 15 years and never once had one moment that was anything like this. Yet this girl has everyone in her world convinced it's ME. I've had a therapist working with me on this for over 2 years, and another therapist that I'd seen for 12 years who I'd gone to for emergency counseling once when the panic attacks first started. They all say the same thing: she's classic Borderline. But her therapist apparently doesn't use that label. She'd started EMDR but honestly I think it made things worse.

Yes, she's been sexually abused as a child. And I empathize with her and agonize over the relationship 24 hours a day. But do I deserve to be emotionally, psychologically and physically abused? In the beginning, she'd beat on me several times, all the while threatening to call the cops and tell them I was beating her. What could I do? Finally she got a good enough job that being violent would threaten her financial stability so she stopped being physical. But now the job has taken a #1 position. We used to be in touch all day, every day. Now she goes on long trips, spends 12-14 hours a day working and ignores me. She tells me to come pick her up, then I get downtown and she texts and says no, I'm with friends, go pick me up over here. I get there, no one. No answer on the phone or text. Next thing she texts saying she's home. Why? Because apparently she can't admit she's still married to me. Everyone at her work thinks we're separated or something. I don't know because all i get is rage if I try to find out. Her boss even threatened me. I DID NOTHING to him or to her.

So now the situation is that she's in Europe on another trip. I'm of course not to contact anyone at her work. I'm here watching her dog at our apartment but am not allowed to have my stuff here. I've been living out of bags for over three months. My therapist says, "Your attachment to her is a horror show. And it is also very sweet." I love her so much. She's an amazing, beautiful, gorgeous, brilliant young woman.

But she treats me like a non-human. I get no respect. No love. No attention, no affection, no hugs, kisses, sex. Nothing. But when I try to leave I always fold and go back. Now when I leave she says stay gone and I fold. So yes, I'm working with that. I have a therapist, AA, Alanon meeting, the Codependents Anonymous book and the BPD Eggsells workbook just came. Most of my friends who love me have begged me to stay away from her. No one thinks it will make any difference in the world if she gets therapy or if I educate myself.

I do everything for her. Cook, clean, shop, laundry. I get nothing. It's been like this even when she was on a decent period of no acting out for a few months at a time. Well, that was going well when we were both working but we went on a trip to Thailand and she decided at the end that she was angry at me. I was sick with food poisoning. She opened the door to the room where we were staying and started screaming for the police. I was curled up on the bed with illness. Fifteen minutes later, she insisted we go to a bar and she sat and sobbed the entire way and expected me to be fine when we got there. I didn't say a word all the way back to the states, in fear of what trouble she'd try to cause. I could have been thrown in a prison in another country. But what did I do? Zero!

On and on. She told me to leave in August. Out of the blue. So I left. She called me 27 times asking me to come back. Took all of my spiritual books and threw them in the trash chute. Then crawled in and got them the next day and asked me to come home. I came home. She didn't change. I left again. She went to the court and filed a restraining order and said I did this and that and NONE of it happened. I was never served, but she had shown it to her employe and our landlord. Now they all hate my guts. So of course she can't have me pick her up or talk to anyone at her work because they'll want to know, if I'm such an ass, why is she still with me?

We went to the beach on Saturday. I took a picture of us. She went into a rage and forbad me to post it. I'm blocked on her FB of course for months. So she says she hates my guts with every bone in her body and that I need to take her home and take my stuff and she's done forever with this relationship. I take her home, she goes sobbing into the bed. I follow to console her and we wind up actually having sex. Of course she softened a little after that but nothing compared to her good days when she was actually fun to be around. Then she left to go to Europe and has already told me not to expect her to communicate with me while she's there.

I have no income really so I'm trying to find a job to pay more than my disability. I drive Uber a little but it's not quite enough to make a living at. If I can find a room to rent in this area where we live I can maintain my support and spiritual groups. Right now all of my stuff is an hour North of here and as I said, all I have is some clothes and a laptop with me.

OK, so am I crazy? I don't think I'm crazy. I've been sober a long time and have written many books on self-help. I think this girl is a super borderline. A new version that can do well on the job an still be a psychopath at home, all the while staying in denial that she has a problem. If I am crazy, it's just because I've stayed this long. No kids. Married only a year. Total nightmare.

Talk sense to me people!

[RobinHood]

I appreciate the support. I posted a lengthy reply to someone else below. I'm really just out of my mind with this whole scenario. Being on this board and reading, watching videos and so on has helped me gain a perspective.

I'm "living" with her, in that I say at our apartment where I'm on the lease. All of my stuff is at someone else's house and it's too far away to get to it. But she forbids me to bring it back home. Says, "let's just pause." What does that mean? I don't know. We're still married. She just went to Europe for work, looking fantastic with all new clothes and hair and all of it. I'm here, with the dogs, and the filthy apartment where she won't even pick up her own dishes. I keep everything as clean as I can but it's an endless cycle.

She told me to get out several times in the past week when I expressed sadness or tried to speak with her about her feelings about the marriage. I've agreed to stay and take care of her dog because the last time she left, last month, I left and went to another city and the friends didn't take care of the dog. Landord kept calling me. It was a ___ show. So I've also been told by a couple's counselor that she and I want to once before she started canceling appointments, that I traumatize her when I "bolt." She makes me insane. I get completely dysfunctional and leave. So I'm trying to NOT do that unless it is 100% going to be forever. I can't pay rent in two places. She says she doesn't know. Do you love me? I don't know. Do you want to be married. I don't know. Will you reply to the therapist and actually make an appointment that you will keep? I'll do it on MY terms she says. I have no idea what that means. But these EFT therapists think they can fix BPD relationships. They say love is no longer a mystery. We just need to see our patterns. But she won't do it. Won't read the book that HER therapist recommended. Won't do the exercises with me. Won't even talk to me about any of it.

It's insanity. If she wasn't a 100% drop dead beauty, I wouldn't have put up with her for five minutes. But she's mesmerizing. Half my age.

I think I may just be completly retarted. I do NOT know how to fix this. I do yoga, medtation, therapy, AA, etc. Every time I get feeling a little better, she destabilizes me. No one wants to hear it any more. They're all sick of the story.

I would like to join AB in welcoming you and echo his words.

Right now is a great time for you to really work on yourself. Take the space and time given to you by the separation to work on getting emotionally stronger. You are going to need that strength in order to maintain the relationship. I will add that it would be wise to tell her that you're not leaving her, you're just giving the two of you a moment and room to breath.

Before I learned that there are better ways to handle things, I did the same thing that you did and would end my relationship with my x when things too out of control. It was very damaging to both her and the relationship. It was one of the first things that I saw when I started looking at my role in everything. I suggest that while you have this time to slow down and think that you look at the part that you played in all of this. It will definitely help guide you in figuring out how to do things differently in the future. Other than leaving six times, do you see other things that you may have done in the relationship that could have been handled better?

Please, do not get me wrong, I'm not placing blame on you for anything. The simple reality is that you have no control over her, so the only thing that we have to work with is you. That's why it's important to look at ourselves when we are trying to repair a relationship.

It's good to hear that you are already seeing a therapist. That will also help you because these relationship are hard. As AB said,

There are some links in the sidebar on the right that will help you navigate all of this. Please take a look at them and keep posting. It helps to talk about it and we've all been there in one form or another so we can relate.

[ArleighBurke]

I will say exactly what i said again:

To be with a BPD person requires a LOT of emotional strength. If you don't have this to start with, you will be crushed by her. I believe you are staying with her for the wrong reasons.

You are currently living separate from her, I suggest you STAY separate from her. You need to work on your own issues first, before you have any hope of having a lasting relationship with her. If at all possible, I would even suggest "having a break" from her to work on yourself - if that is possible.

Your health is #1 priority.

[RobinHood]

I'm not living separately from her. I've been staying in our apartment except for one or two nights in the past month. The only reason I stay with her is because I am in love with her. The 99% talented, brilliant beauty has normally been dominant. And that side of her continues to get dominant as she grows in her talent on her job. She's got a therapist. So there are signs that are positive.

The history is horrible. But I'm watching the videos and reading articles and posts on this site. I have my own therapist, who I saw today.

i want to save the relationship, not be told to dump it. That's why I chose this particular board to seek support on.

[ArleighBurke]

Robin hood,

I am not saying you need to dump her - I apologise if that is what comes accross. I understand you want to save the relationship. I have chosen to stay with my partner as well.

What I am saying is, to save the relationship will take a LOT of emotional strength from you. But it doesn't seem like you are in a place to be able to provide that. What i am saying is, you need to save YOURSELF before you can save the relationship. And I'm not sure if you can work on your own self whilst with her - perhaps you can - but it will make things so much harder.

Statements like this "If she wasn't a 100% drop dead beauty, I wouldn't have put up with her for five minutes. But she's mesmerizing. Half my age." worry me alot. How will you feel in 10 years when she's no longer 100% beauty, and no longer half your age?