I cannot get over breakup

[littlehorse]

So two years ago I decided to separate from my long term partner but so wanted to remain friends. She reacted violently, smashing a bottle, threatening suicide, then kicking me out of the house. Seeing her hurt, I reconsidered and told her I wanted to continue the relationship. She became cold and angry and rejected this suggestion. She got all my journals from many years and read every one. She hacked into my emails and read my messages. We went to counselling. She got the counsellor onside and told me my behaviour was appalling and I had to do sorry for a long time. She claimed I threatened suicide, that I was acting irrationally. She tried to stop me coming home. She called police and told them I tried to hurt her. She got a restraining order against me. She went to court for a property settlement and said hideous things in her affidavits. When I eventually bought her out and went home, she had stripped it of almost everything. Cut my letters into strips. Nailed my belongings to the wall. Damaged lots of things. She turned the neighbours against me, none of them will talk to me any more. She said she never wants me in her life again. She accuses me of being BP.

I am heartbroken. I loved this person deeply. She was very good to me for much of our relationship. She did a lot for me. She was very clever and talented. At times she acted oddly, especially when she criticised me and this turned into an argument. Once she threw the dinner I'd made her in the bin. Threw my clothes out the window. Sometimes she laughed at me or demeaned me in front of friends. Once she called me lazy and incompetent. She wanted everything in the house her own way. There were sad things. She once attempted suicide and I saved her. She had an abusive mother who treated her very badly as a child. But mostly the relationship was good. I loved her and I miss her and our life together.

Plus, I feel guilty. I examine and re-examine myself to see my own fault in this and I acknowledge there was fault. Things I did wrong. I have taken to heart her accusation about me being BP and I can see that, like many, I have some traits of that. I go over and over the situation, trying to disentangle responsibility.

Though I have started a new relationship I cannot progress it because I think about my ex much of the time. I regret my decision. I want peace and healing between us. I miss her so much and the good times. I cannot contemplate never seeing her again. I need help with this. I have been to psychologists. Psychiatrists. Taken medication. I am functioning at work but I am sad. I am starting to read books about BP. But I really want to connect with others who know about these traits.

Help and advice gratefully received.

[Renard]

Hello Littlehorse,

Thanks for writing about something so difficult. I am pretty new here, and still working my way through a relationship that is teaching me much about BPD and about me and all my values about love and health. My story is a bit different from yours, yet I see a similarity: you say you want peace and healing and that your miss her so much.

I understand those words so well, especially the ones about missing your partner. May I suggest a couple of things? You've been through some incredibly difficult things with your partner, yet you write of her in ways that show you care for her. Even if there is no way you can ever mend and find peace, I encourage you to keep your positive regard for her (without remaining entangled unhealthily), yet give yourself the freedom to vent when it is necessary.

She is no doubt a good person, but she struggles with an utterly awful disorder. It helps me to do both: to mix esteem for someone I love with my simple need to have a safe place to let out some of the pain and hurt and confusion. This site can be a good place to do the latter.

When I say positive regard, find a way to do the same for yourself: you say you recognize some faults in your own behaviour, yet I encourage you to find a way to remember your own goodness and to go to work on being the best version of yourself you can be. That work is at least something you can do.

I have found this site a great resource and its members and guests good folk to correspond with in this process. There are also people on this site who have much more insight than me, so I write in the hope others will chime in and give you some company on what is such an incredibly hard road.

[fromheeltoheal]

Hi littlehorse-

And welcome!  That's quite a lot you've been through, I'm sorry.  It is painful and confusing to be in a relationship with someone with a personality disorder, especially towards the end.  I can relate, and many here can too.  

If I understand you correctly, you left her 2 years ago and have done quite a bit to get help, with the therapists and the medication.  What have you learned about yourself and how you responded to her behavior in the relationship?  And is it her you miss, or could it be the feelings, the good ones, you had when you were with her?  What needs did she meet at the time?  Point is it's been a while, don't know how long it's been since you communicated, but after a while it's possible to have a relationship with her in your head that has nothing to do with the real her, and it can keep us stuck, does any of that speak to you?

[littlehorse]

Thanks Renard and thanks heeltoheal... .yes it does sound a bit drawn out doesn't it. The legal stuff lasted so long that the last contact we had was earlier this year so it's only been a few months. But yes I do feel a bit stuck and I do hold out hopes of healing and peace and contact in the future that might see us able to talk it over, acknowledge responsibilities and move on to a friendship. Is that really unrealistic I wonder.

[fromheeltoheal]

But yes I do feel a bit stuck and I do hold out hopes of healing and peace and contact in the future that might see us able to talk it over, acknowledge responsibilities and move on to a friendship. Is that really unrealistic I wonder.

It depends what the goal is, the real one.  Many of us end up here without any closure to the relationship and want it, and we can also find ways to give it to ourselves, which can be more powerful.  After the way she treated you that you describe, do you know why you want an ongoing friendship with her?

[littlehorse]

Well that's a good question. I think because it was such a complex picture. There was really great stuff between us too, a lot of love and warmth and tenderness and doing things for each other, looking out for each other, I felt cared for by her much of the time. She's a really great person and the BP parts of her are not a huge part of her most of the time... .only when she's in conflict or really stressed. So that's why.

[joeramabeme]

Well that's a good question. I think because it was such a complex picture. There was really great stuff between us too, a lot of love and warmth and tenderness and doing things for each other, looking out for each other, I felt cared for by her much of the time. She's a really great person and the BP parts of her are not a huge part of her most of the time... .only when she's in conflict or really stressed. So that's why.

Hi littlehorse,

Welcome to the family.

I relate to much of what you have written and in particular to the consternation over the ending.  Like you, my ex was very thoughtful and loving in many ways. From reading the BPD literature on this site and other great books like "Stop Walking on Eggshells", I learned how pwBPD split their world into a black and white view.  They cannot hold areas of gray very well at all.  As a result, decisions tend to be all or nothing.  Either you are someone I like and see positively or just the opposite - not much gray. 

Sounds like your partner has split you.  On the boards here we refer to this as being "Split Black".  Unfortunately, for us non-BPD's we experience alot of pain and hurt over being split - even if we might agree that the r/s was non-functional.  This is the point that heel-to-heal was making about "no closure". 

It seems so drastic and is very hard in the beginning.  I have found coming here and talking about all this with others who have been through the same enormously helpful in my healing.  It has been a year since my divorce, after 11 years married, and I am still getting closure. 

It doesn't have to take that long per-se, but typically thelonger you were involved the more unraveling there is to do.

Keep posting and keep reading.  The sadness does lift.  Do you have any contact with her at all?

[Renard]

Littlehorse,

You say good things about your ex and your relationship, yet I encourage you stay focused on what you can do to keep mending yourself. I also encourage you to think hard--to really search yourself--about the question of having a friendship with your ex.

Have you sorted out your motives and needs?



 

[littlehorse]

Thank you Joe... .it's good for me to hear that you relate to what I describe. I like that book "Stop Walking on Eggshells"  - it was an eye-opener. Yes I think she has 'split' me. I call it being demonised and I feel intuitively that she does it in order to protect herself from her own demons and from the pain of separation. No, there is no contact at all. I would like there to be but feel that I should wait a bit longer before I attempt any contact.

And thanks Renard... .in terms of having a friendship, I think it's about my need for there to be healing in this, it is so uncomfortable being turned into the Demon and told you are all bad... .I really want that to change one day and for us to be able to be at peace with one another.

But I acknowledge what you say and I do focus on mending myself --- and being here is a part of that.

[Renard]

And thanks Renard... .in terms of having a friendship, I think it's about my need for there to be healing in this, it is so uncomfortable being turned into the Demon and told you are all bad... .I really want that to change one day and for us to be able to be at peace with one another.

But I acknowledge what you say and I do focus on mending myself --- and being here is a part of that.

Littlehorse,

You're welcome and thank you for the clarification. I get your point. I was split black after four years of a wonderful relationship. It was bloody awful, and it's pretty fresh (end of October this year). I don't know if it helps, yet I've found wisdom in not taking the splitting personally. I have re-established contact, yet I don't really have any hope that we can talk about what happened. It's too difficult for her right now.

I wonder whether you're hoping for something that may not be possible. If you want to be friends with your ex please do remember that it will take a good deal of strength and resourcefulness and that it may be a relationship that remains asymmetrical: that is, you might not get the healing you seek from her, even if she is really high functioning. You might also want to consider the possibility that healing involves revisiting the past, and that might be a truly difficult, even an impossible thing for your partner.

[littlehorse]

Thanks Renard. Yes, I know it might be impossible. She would have re-established contact if I had agreed to share her view of me at that time. I felt that wasn't realistic so I didn't. So it may be that she will remain stuck in that view of me forever, but I still hold out hope that she will see things differently one day.

Interesting that you have re-established contact... .so is it on a very superficial level? Is it helpful to you to have that contact? Enjoyable? Would you classify it as a friendship?

[Renard]

Littlehorse,

Thanks for your reply, and thanks for asking about my situation. I did not re-establish contact; rather, she did. For my part, I'm pending a bit. I found my way on the road of radical acceptance though the trauma of the breakup. I say "road" because I'm on the journey and by no means arrived.

This journey fits for me because of history and values and such, but also because the splitting was compounded and to some degree caused by the fact that my partner is also bipolar (a triple diagnosis by professionals, not me armchairing). I have chosen to remain her friend for some indeterminate time--one which has allowed her to be released from the psychiatric ward, to establish a routine on medication, and to get her support network set up (she is now seeing a psychiatrist). There is no formal diagnosis of BPD in place, yet I know she has the traits and behaviours in varying degrees depending on circumstances--all the way from low to perfect function. Long story short, I'm sticking, but in the long, long run I don't know if I will have all that it takes to be a merely a friend, and she may make her own decisions that I can't sway one way or the other (which I wouldn't want to do anyway).

I am working out radical acceptance because that could also mean accepting the relationship's end--what this site has termed releasing with grace. I look at all the words I've written and wonder that they sound kind of composed, but I confess I struggle and keep at my own healing every day.

I know I must do this work because I must also face the fact that the friendship may founder and I must live through it.

Thanks for letting me go on a bit.

That's my transition back to you: I've found this site incredibly helpful in terms of writing out what needs to be said at any given time. I admit that some of my posts go on and on. Perhaps that's something you may find useful and great for finding perspective and some solid footing from which to build.

[littlehorse]

Thanks for sharing your journey Renard. It is very helpful to me to hear of other experiences. Yours sounds very difficult and I salute your bravery and compassion in both pursuing the road of radical acceptance and in remaining in contact with and helping your ex. It is a hard road. I hope you have enough other people and activities in your life to help you heal.

[thefinalrose]

Hi littlehorse,

Your story made me cry, both because I really feel for you and also because parts of your story remind me a little of my own relationship. I, too, have examined and re-examined myself and have felt extreme guilt and self-blame. I believe this is something most ex-partners do after a relationship with a pwBPD (or any PD, really... .)

I am not sure how to help. I'm sorry.  I am also looking for some way to live with my situation. Therapy has worked little for me as well. My partner said he couldn't stand me because I have PTSD and depression, made like I was totally crazy and he was doing nothing wrong at all. The fact there is some truth in his accusations is excruciating, but I think the accusations of things I never said or did, the things he made up about me, were even worse.

Try not to beat yourself up too much. I know it's hard. I feel like I've been living in perpetual self-imposed punishment since mine went away, after seriously transgressing boundaries, betraying my trust in maybe one of the worst ways possible, and then blaming me for the whole thing. I don't know how to make it better. I wish I knew. 

[littlehorse]

Hi finalrose, thanks so much for your reply. It helps just hearing your story and knowing you, too, have gone through (or are going through) that extreme guilt and self-blame. Some people tell me I'm mad for doing that and I just 'need to move on' but it's so much more complex than that. The truth is rarely black and white and I know I am to blame for some unloving things I did. But I also know I tried very hard. I find it helps me to know that I am learning so much about myself and about her and about relationship dynamics generally... .and I feel like I am becoming a better person for it. As much as I miss her, I know that at the time I felt very strongly about needing to leave her, and I now think, if she goes through a personal journey of self examination and discovery and healing and comes out the other side, and reconnects with me, all good, but that is probably what would have to happen for it to work.

Do you find your PTSD heals over time? Do you find any resources that give you particular help?

[thefinalrose]

The PTSD has been very difficult for me to deal with. I was abused by my family in many ways for most of my life. It wasn't until I moved away from them and began living on my own and working with a trauma specialist did I ever realize how it was affecting me. I've gained more insight because of that. However, the relationship I was in and now having to deal with being discarded in such a way has made my symptoms come back tenfold. It's like having new PTSD on top of already existing PTSD. I've not found much help from online resources. I find that doing research about abuse allows me to look at things more objectively. For pretty much my entire life I believed I was a monster and had somehow caused the abuse, or had deserved it in some way. Trying to work with just any therapist wasn't helpful either, because they lack the experience and skills to help someone who's trying to recover from a lifetime of abuse. Then I found a trauma specialist, and while she's not perfect, she explains things in ways that I've never thought of before, and helps me understand why I sometimes think or feel about myself the way that I do. As far as actually helping symptoms though, I've made little progress there. Part of that might be because I continuously find myself in traumatic situations that don't allow the symptoms to begin to heal. I'm still trying to work for solutions, but many times I just feel like I'm going around in a circle, and ultimately go back to the dark places in my mind where I believe I'm not a human being and I just deserved all the maltreatment.

[julie frances lloyd]

I just saw this post, I'm sorry you are feeling sad.   Here is some support. I've also had a rough spot or two in my life. I try to keep my chin up even when things are overwhelming and confusing. I'm not sure what else to do.

[julie frances lloyd]

(the final rose that last post was for you)

[littlehorse]

That's a hard road you've got, finalrose, and good for you that you're sticking with it. Awful to feel that you're a monster and you caused abuse. I hope that is changing. I find work and positive contacts with other people help a lot in changing my view of myself. Doing things that make me feel useful and where I get good feedback. It seems your relationship made things much worse and I hope you are getting some help with that through this site, books, therapists etc. Thanks for sharing your journey.

[julie frances lloyd]

thefinalrose,
You didn't deserve the abuse as a child. You were an innocent child. You deserve to be treated with respect.
If your PTSD symptoms are flaring up, perhaps it is a sign that you need some space from who or whatever situation is making it worse. Your health is important, treat yourself with kindness.
Yello

[thefinalrose]

Thanks guys. It's been very difficult for me. Funny you say being in contact with people helps you, littlehorse. I am the opposite. For me, being around people makes everything much worse. Most people I come in contact with, even just briefly, are often very rude toward me. I suppose this is because I am different. I look different, I have different interests and beliefs, and I think people realize that and for some reason I don't make a good impression, even though I'm polite to everyone I meet. I've had to limit my contact with people immensely, even my acquaintances, because otherwise I constantly feel like I have to duck and cover. No one has ever acknowledged their bad behavior toward me, even when I bring it to their attention. My ex got me to disclose some very delicate information about myself, promising it was okay and he would never abandon me for it when I told him I was afraid he would, and even though I told him no several times, he kept pressing me. Finally I told him, and he reacted like I was a disgusting animal or something, and threw me away, telling me everything was my fault and I was sending him unsolicited texts and upsetting him and behaving inappropriately. When I reminded him he asked me to tell him, he refused to even consider it, just kept saying horrible things to me and blaming me. Then he was all angry that I felt bad about myself because of his behavior. Everyone always denies their poor treatment of me. I've given up trying to make peace with my family because they always just deny they ever hurt me, or they said they "had to" because I was crazy and "out of control". The denial of one's own behavior and the refusal to accept responsibility for it, and the blame-shifting, is maybe one of the most extreme forms of gaslighting I can think of. It's seriously f*cked up my head, now I can't even know what's real most of the time.

[littlehorse]

Hi finalrose, sounds like your ex betrayed your trust hugely and should not be in your life in any way.

Having said that, it does sound a bit unusual that you say everyone you meet is rude to you and I wonder if your perceptions of that are accurate. If I were you I would talk about specific instances with a therapist to bounce your perceptions off someone independent. Maybe some CBT to investigate your beliefs around how people behave might be helpful.

[lovenature]

I would recommend you recover before being in another relationship.

BPD is a serious mental illness and recovery from a break up is nothing like a normal relationship; stay completely NC with your ex., keep reading and learning as much as you can about this disorder, look after your needs. Once you have learned enough about BPD, you need to look into why you stayed in a toxic relationship and tried so hard to make it work-usually very painful what you learn but necessary for a better life.

Recovery from these relationships is very tough, non-linear, and takes what it takes. Keep posting as much as you want, very helpful too.