BPD d24 Pregnant

[Untouched]

I haven't posted in a long time.  My BPD d24 left the area for a while (NY, CA) and has been back for about a year. Things during her time away were quiet for the most part.  Since she's been back, theres been numerous OD attempts along with a few hospitalizations.  She started college in August and has been on a nose dive since then.  She's failing school, doing drugs, drinking and I find out the other night that she's pregnant by an Indian student here on a student VISA.

She will be homeless in a few weeks (unless she moves in with bf), no job, no car, no money.  Nothing.  She's bounced back and forth between having an abortion to keeping the baby and raising it.  She's become very clingly since finding out she's expecting.  She's finally answering texts and calling me on a regular basis.  Before, I'd be lucky to hear from her once a month.

She acts excited about the baby when talking to my mother, but then falls apart when we talk.  It's like she's playing both sides.  She's not able to take care of herself; much less a baby and there's nothing I can do about this situation.  I want to throw my hands up in the air and walk away from her and the mess that is her life. 

Any advice?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Kwamina]

Hi Untouched

It's been a long time since you were last here. Welcome back, though the circumstances that have brought you back here aren't that pleasant at all.

Your daughter's behavior is definitely concerning, the drugs and drinking and even OD attempts. You mention that she's been hospitalized a few times. What kind of help did she get? Did she get any targeted therapy for her BPD and drug abuse?

This all has happened within the last year. She has moved back to the area, based on your post I conclude she isn't living with you. Does she have her own place to stay? You also mention that she'll be homeless in a few weeks if she doesn't make a drastic change. I can imagine that the the thought of her being on the streets, especially now that she's pregnant, isn't easy for you.

Have you met the father of her unborn child?

This is a difficult situation indeed. She is an adult but her behavior does sound problematic. You've been a member for a long time now and like many of us know how frustrating it is to see our BPD loved ones behave in a seemingly self-destructive manner. Unfortunately you cannot make your daughter change if she does not want to, but what you can do is apply the tools described on this site to help you with your communications. Your daughter is answering texts and calling you know, perhaps you can benefit from the tools such as validation and S.E.T., but also D.E.A.R.M.A.N. which is specifically aimed at asserting yourself in hope of effecting a positive change.

When you talk to her on the phone, how do those conversations usually go?

Take care

The Board Parrot

[livednlearned]

Oh, Untouched. I'm so sorry for your suffering. To have a drug-addicted daughter who is pregnant, and close to being homeless  

How are you coping with her neediness and clinging? I know when SO's D19 becomes needy, it's because she is flat out overwhelmed and not coping, at all. She seems to want someone to fix and rescue, and then gets angry when that help is offered, because it implies she is not capable. It really triggers her deep feelings of inadequacy.

This is a tough question to answer, and I understand if you don't want to address it: the child will be your grandchild. Do you have feelings about what your D24 does with this baby? Do you want to counsel her one way or another?

People with BPD tend to be exquisitely intuitive and extremely hypersensitive to the feelings of other people, and I wonder if your D24 is trying to figure out what you want, and her weak sense of self makes her susceptible to falling apart in the absence of having something known onto which she can externalize her feelings. For example, SO's D19 did something that I thought was particularly brave -- it would've been hard for me to do -- but she only recognizes it as brave when I reflect that back to her. Then, almost like a little kid, she will repeatedly bring up her actions as brave, and even say things like "I'm a brave girl," almost like she's slipping into a new identity where she is capable and admired for her bravery.

[Blueskyday]

Hi, I was where you are now 6 yrs ago. I have a beautiful Grandchild who adores me. That is the good news.

The road was long and hard. I was demonized for not making the decision for my D... She was homeless when pregnant. I was going to let her move back in when this voice inside me started screaming Noo! Everyone hates me for letting her step into a shelter. They dont know what she put me through, almost killed me with stress. Nevertheless I stuck with her. Overall she improved after the tantrums and demands when pregnant, the gambling addiction, supermarket coupin fraud, post natal depression and resentment of me. I was useful to her.

She got a lot better somewhere in the middle but now shes in crisis and raging at me again.

It has to be her decision to make. Hard to say I will support you if you do and dont proceed but it protects us against being told we are responsible for the misteak.Hard not to be drawn in but I found thinking of mindfulness helpful. I got a big bubble and stuck myself in their. I set boundaries, hard big, cant climb over boundaries which slowly became eroded. ( they slip every now and then)

The worst that can happen is you bond with the child and its used as a wheapon. I played the Roulette and she tried but I met her with such force she backed down and habded over the child who loves and adores me and needs me. It amazes me people can withold love from their own children for selfish reasons.

At the end of the day the child will be a blessing for you and maybe, just maybe for her... .I was shocked at the way my D tried. The one and only time she ever tried was after the baby came. All sliding backwards now but in general she grew up a little bit more than I ever thought she would. Of course the emotional maturity level is nowhere near her peers sadly ... .Best wishes and strength in the months ahead