Hello...new and a bit overwhelmed

[LadybugABC]

Hello, everyone. First post here. 

I'm 40, female, in a long term relationship with a man, 39, who I have come to discover probably has BPD. All the signs are there. We have two little ones, ages 5 and 4, so leaving isn't so easy.

I guess I am here mostly to read and learn. I'm in the process of reading the book Stop Caretaking the BPD by Fjelstad which has been shockingly eye opening. Reading this book was like unlocking a secret decoder for the last 4+ years of my life, explaining so many things about my partner but also about myself. I'm digesting it slowly and many times have to put it down to process it, looking in the mirror is a tough thing.

One question (ok maybe more than one)... .my BPD spouse did not exhibit symptoms the first few years of our relationship. Was I just blindsided by the honeymoon phase? Charmed by him and his exciting unpredictable ways?

From my reading I guess this has existed for as long as I've known him, it just seems so strange to me that it really came out in the last 4 years and I can tie it to certain life events that happened around that time causing a lot of stress and change in our relationship.

He has a degree in psychology and is excellent at observing others and suggesting action to take to improve their situations. I'm just shocked that he can't see this in himself.

I have not broached the subject of diagnosis with him. It really doesn't matter if you slap a name on it or not, I guess, the bigger thing is for me to know how better to interact with him.

I find myself withdrawing emotionally from him now that through my own research have found out more about BPD.

I fear we won't make it but I am committed to trying all I can to stay together. But at some point I'm afraid it's gonna be over and that makes me sad.

Thanks for listening and I look forward to being part of this online community. 

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[drained1996]

Hi LadyBug,

I have not broached the subject of diagnosis with him. It really doesn't matter if you slap a name on it or not, I guess, the bigger thing is for me to know how better to interact with him

This is a very good viewpoint from which to deal with your situation.  Good to see you have an understanding that knowing how to better interact and communicate is the only path you can control.  To the right of this page you will see some tools and lessons that can help guide you in this process.  Combining a good understanding of the illness and its nuances and some new communication techniques have helped some here improve their situation. 

Was I just blindsided by the honeymoon phase? Charmed by him and his exciting unpredictable ways?

It's certainly possible, the dopamine in our systems during the "honeymoon" phase can allow us to overlook things we would normally see.  Another thought is that he was on his "best behavior" and may have subconsciously been in control somewhat... .until he was triggered.  Doesn't matter at this point, the traits exhibited are there to be dealt with.

Have you thought about seeing a therapist to help guide you in this process?
What specific types of behavior has he shown that you are struggling with the most?  Do you think he may be willing to enter into therapy... .either together or individually?

You've found a great place for knowledge, understanding and sharing.  Feel free to share any thoughts, feelings or questions anytime.  We are here.   

[Jessica84]

Don't worry about pulling away emotionally as you process this new information. That is natural. You are looking at him more objectively now. That is a good thing. This detachment phase is part of a healthy process. It may feel weird at first, and might even make you a little sad that you're 'disconnecting'. That's ok. Experience the feelings as they come. Know that you won't drift too far from him emotionally. The love you feel is still there. As you look at your situation with clearer eyes, your heart will be what motivates you to learn new and more effective ways to communicate with him. Welcome to the healing!