Are they blind to their luring techniques?

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Random but trying to be a contributor not just a taker though I'm still in the FOG.
I'm not ready to tell my  experience as a whole(on here at least... .yet) about my uxBPDgf as I am not at the point where I could be concise and still not feel as if I was missing all the "she said this, but did this" points. My question is without labeling pwBPD as having no conscience, might I hear an opinion on how someone displaying very low self esteem can act so seductive at will, while pleading the ignorance act that nobody could want them. My experience includes cheating(of course always because I must be too, which was NEVER the case) and a defamation campaign that makes it hard to believe that past SOs that "cheated" were to blame for the insecurities. Do they understand their powers against the trusting and unaware? Also If the copy cat(suddenly wearing the same brand, or changing their tastes in things) act doesn't get the notice the way they want are you labeled "bad" for that?

[Octy]

Random but trying to be a contributor not just a taker though I'm still in the FOG.
I'm not ready to tell my  experience as a whole(on here at least... .yet) about my uxBPDgf as I am not at the point where I could be concise and still not feel as if I was missing all the "she said this, but did this" points. My question is without labeling pwBPD as having no conscience, might I hear an opinion on how someone displaying very low self esteem can act so seductive at will, while pleading the ignorance act that nobody could want them. My experience includes cheating(of course always because I must be too, which was NEVER the case) and a defamation campaign that makes it hard to believe that past SOs that "cheated" were to blame for the insecurities. Do they understand their powers against the trusting and unaware? Also If the copy cat(suddenly wearing the same brand, or changing their tastes in things) act doesn't get the notice the way they want are you labeled "bad" for that?

[fromheeltoheal]

Hi Octy-

And welcome! 

You're diving right in, and good for you!  Yes, borderlines know how alluring they are, or at least who's attracted to them, and they know how to be attractive to someone, because a borderline's goal is to attach to someone to complete themselves, to become whole, it's the core of the disorder and attaching is mandatory.  And the copy cat thing you mention is mirroring, mirror back the good a borderline sees in someone to affect and attachment, yes, but also to take on that good as their own, another piece of completing themselves.

Hope that helps a little.  Feel free to tell us your story whenever you're ready, typing it out can be cathartic, plus you'll get lots of great input from folks who are or have been right where you are.  Take care of you!

[Claycrusher]

They know how alluring they are and to whom.

They need to attach themselves to someone in a doomed-to-failure attempt to become whole, but the "someone" they seek to attach to is a co-dependent who isn't likely to abandon them.

If you doubt how good they are at ferreting out co-dependents, just read the stuff posted in this specific forum about "nons" and their "struggling" to "detach" from a BPD, no matter how abusive their BPD is.

Personally, I think they're predatory in seeking out love interests.  And I think they know what they're doing and why in seeking co-dependents to hook up with.  Nobody else will put up with the "stuff" they dish out.

[Julia S]

As I understand, they try to make themselves appear as attractive as possible because they feel they have no inner worth anyone could like or love.

I suspect the seemingly empathic and psychological tricks are very ingrained. They are very simply a child who feels ignored or neglected and has developed inappropriate ways of getting attention and love. But once they receive that love they can't cope with it and either run away or display other childish behaviour.

Imagine if you lived somewhere where there was no welfare state, and you saw an abandoned child crying by the side of the road, maybe telling you its parents had left it and it had no-one. You couldn't just leave it there. Especially if it told you everyone else had walked past. It would be your instinct to take it home with you and care for it.
I think those are the sort of behaviours they have learned to replicate, in order to illicit that response from you.

The mirroring is common in a number of states of abandonment or perceived abandonment, including children of alcoholic parents. Part of their strategy for coping and drawing people to them is to copy that person, with an uncanny ability to read what they most want in a friend or partner and act the part of that person.

These behaviours are probably so automatic, the person doing them doesn't even realise, and doesn't know they are not normal. In some cases they may be intentional and callous, but I think often they are not. I knew a very callous COAP who said he picked me because he could see I was vulnerable. I don't think he did. I think that statement was designed to undermine my confidence as part of his manipulation. I know a very gentle pwBPD who continued to tell me all the flattering draws despite me constantly telling him I already liked him for the person he was inside, and that he didn't have to put on this show.

However, the effect they have on the person who is drawn in is the same. Do not blame yourself for it, or think it makes you weak. It means you are kind and caring. People I know who have been drawn into such relationships are some of the most mentally and physically strong and independent women I know. Maybe it's the strength they find attractive.   

[JerryRG]

My ex told me that she knew certain guys would look at her but they were not good guys and wanted to take advantage of her or rape her. I just looked at her and shook my head wondering wth she was talking about. I guess after 9 different guys rape her (bs lies) maybe she's on to something.

I believe she just knows who is/was attracted to her and tried to twist it around so not to upset me? Again, here I am trying to make sense of insanity.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Octy, Welcome!  Sure, I think the Spider knows how to ensnare the Fly, because its something those w/BPD have been doing all their lives in order to quell their inner turmoil, as Julia S notes.  No, I don't think they are oblivious to their charms, though they may pretend otherwise.  To the contrary, they are quite experienced in this area, in my experience.

LuckyJim

[Octy]

So much was odd about the uxBPDgf stated insecurities. I'll try to keep on topic. She went baby talk in the beginning. She had been found out to be physically and emotionally with two of her exes after we had discussed such simple boundaries.
She said she thought I was just using her for her body although I had refused a full physical relationship until she had made a decision between us (two exes and me) and that If she ever wanted to be with someone else she would tell me before acting on that.
She kept stating that I hated her after I forgave her. The sequence in baby talk went, "You hate me", "You think I'm ugly" (5'9" and part time model, so that made sense), "You wish I'd die" (HUGE Red Flag). I would respond something along the lines of, "I don't hate you, far from it, I think I'm falling for you", "I think you’re beautiful, you light up a room whenever you’re in it", and "I don't wish you any harm, actually I hope you live a long, long life and that I am a part of that". After these repetitious circular conversations, she’d rub her belly and say, "really?" pause and say, "You give me babies?”
There was also a guy following her around like a puppy dog in the beginning that she everyone we worked with told her liked her. She would emphatically state he didn't and that she would "never" be with him. Well I found out right before our first date she had.
She would also accuse me of lying about my age and that I was younger than my I.D's (including passport), or that I probably had a kid somewhere, even after meeting my entire family on a trip(as if it was one huge conspiracy to marry her and make her a surprise step baby momma).
Always the doe eyed look that would make men stare at her and she wouldn't acknowledge it. I almost broke down trying to convince her I loved her when it got to that point, and had to boost her confidence that I could, and that I did(she had to have known my feelings, she had lied by omission or work arounds with words  innumerable times but I had never caused her to believe me to be a liar) and she was spending 20+ days a month at my place and had my keys. I would tell her that she would check out and that it seemed she was thinking of someone and someplace else and lose whole periods of time together, and her words sometimes affirmed it.
We talked marriage and baby names the whole of our time together yet she accepted another man’s ring six weeks after our last break-up but that’s a part of the complete story and whenever I think it out I feel like I caught most everything (ya, right) but could never rationalize it to her, and that most of her actions were denied to my face(gaslighting) a second after I witnessed them. I broke all my rules for her