For all of you struggling with 'what if' syndrome

[mitatsu]

Howdy folks not been on here for a while but thought i would give a brief update of my circ's

(please forgive my spelling etc)

so i got married to my undiagnosed partner of 3 yrs in 2014 august... .it went downhill quickly from there (we married after she begged me to stay with her after finding out she had slept with the married man she had been messaging for most of those previous 3 yrs and when earlier confronted both of them denied any spark between them and i should 'lighten up' as they were just friends)anyhoo after getting wed she started on suicide threats to control who i could see in my friends circle and like a fool i put on the white knight armour and was going to be the best partner she had ever had (not like those previous nasty controlling evil ex's... .she deserves the best of me... .)

so onto feb 2015 and boom after a 2 week drink and legal high binge on her part she tells me to leave 'her house'... so i did and after much research decided that this was it for me and no contact was the best option... i had a few things to sort with her and asked a old friend of both of us to be 'middle woman' so to speak so as to avoid any more conflict... .my wife hated that claiming i should grow up and talk to her direct... so after offers from her to be 'friends' which i rebuffed and got more suicide threats for doing so i went full NC all was going well until a birthday card arrived in april with the usual i love you b/s in it and like a fool i responded very plainly with 'thank you for the card' this then seemed to invite the full on love bomb sms text thing and the cry of 'i know i'm unwell but promise to get medical help if you come back and help me'... .

yep i fell for it went to the docs with her the doc told her she must stop drinking and would refer her to mental health team... yaaaay progress... .oh oh out side the docs she stated she cannot give up drinking and have her crutch taken away... .boo progress thwarted but she would go to the mental health team as planned yaaaaaay progress... .she went a month later on her own for half an hour and returned stating she did not have Bpd but relationship issues... .can you hear the alarm going off? i couldnt

she had also bought books on Bpd joined forums etc and embraced the idea as she could see all the symptoms that she had suffered for most of her adult life... .yaaaaay progress... .then after her very short M/H appointment that all changed but by then i had moved back in with her... .oh oh can we see whats coming folks? again i couldnt and to be fair she seemed more mindfull until Xmas 2015 when she made plans to become a nurse (3 yr uni course she's 44 yrs of age with a 7 yr old daughter who's not mine but the 'lazy good for nothing liar' who came before me) so i said go for it i'll support you... .(trying to fill the empty hole in the bottom bucket by now) anyway over the coming months she realised she could not become a nurse and her anger slowly got worse and worse and no amount of soothing from me made it better

then came the accusations of me cheating on her (i never go out on my own but my job can keep me out until 7pm some nights but i work in sewers and drains so not exactly dressed for romance)

then a week after my birthday i get a text whilst she's at work saying she wants me out again... .where do i go? and she ahd said to me when i had left before she wanted me to stay and show her i wouldnt just walk away... .so i did and she stayed at her mums for 6 weeks only to send the police round at 6.30am one tuesday morning on false charges of mental abuse against her

i'm still 4 months later still on bail whilst the police go through my mobile phone and laptop (it's a very slow process over here)

SO TO THOSE OF YOU THINKING WHAT IF I... .? take this as a warning of what may happen if you try again

all this from a person who 7 days earlier had called me the love of her life the one her soulmate etc etc 

[Cleanglass]

That is one intense 'what if'. Thanks for the heads up.

That is mad. Has she been confirmed to have BPD from a doctor? And do you have plenty of character witnesses etc?

[mitatsu]

That is one intense 'what if'. Thanks for the heads up.

That is mad. Has she been confirmed to have BPD from a doctor? And do you have plenty of character witnesses etc?

Alas no diagnosis as like most pwBpd she hides it very well from the outside world but a long history of visits to Dr's and alot of self admission via sms forum posting etc i think she knows she has it but shame stops her getting help i feel very sorry for her it must be hell in her head

and have quite a few Ex's who can testify to her behaviour and of course what actually is on my mobile phone

[heartandwhole]

Hi miatsu,

This is a harrowing story—I'm sorry you had to go through that. These are really tough consequences; how are you holding up emotionally these days?

How long ago was the final breakup?

heartandwhole

[mitatsu]

Hi miatsu,

This is a harrowing story—I'm sorry you had to go through that. These are really tough consequences; how are you holding up emotionally these days?

How long ago was the final breakup?

heartandwhole

Hello there    the final break was May 2nd this year and to be honest good and bad days luckily with my knowledge of Bpd from last year i'm in a better place than last years split... .bar this ongoing investigation hanging over me and it's given me the chance to look back into myself and see where i went wrong again (i couldnt give up on someone i loved so much and her plea for help was so 'genuine' it was the last throw of the dice for me and i'd rather be alone than in that world (i was also drinking heavily again as when she was drunk/high the house was happy how flawed is that? ) the whole episode has possibly saved my life 

[heartandwhole]

(i couldnt give up on someone i loved so much and her plea for help was so 'genuine'

Man, do I resonate with that. Pleas for help can be so hard to resist, especially for people with caretaker/rescuer tendencies.

the whole episode has possibly saved my life 

I think I know what you mean. I have found benefit from the experience, too, however painful it was to go through. Everyone's moment of "I'm done" comes when it comes, and each of us has our own set point of tolerance for certain behavior. I'm glad you are in a better place now. Keep taking good care of your heart.

heartandwhole

[Infern0]

I'll throw in my recycles story to bolster the intent of the thread.

Initial breakup in July 14

Replaced immediately, tried to get me fired, accused me falsely of stalking and being obsessed with her and being a "psycho"

A few weeks later she breaks NC and begs me to talk to her, I eventually give in and agree to be "civil" for mutual friends sake.

She begins a subtle but increasing love bombing and eventually puts me in triangulation to prop up her failing relationship.

Eventually cheats on her replacement with me

Plays us both for a few months (my mental health loved this part)

Replacement catches her by going through phone

She dumps him and he later kills himself

In the meantime she continues playing me until I find out she had group sex with some guys at a party after previously that day I'd bought her lunch and some jewelry and we had professed our love for each other.

More BS fun and games about her being off her meds and was now going to get therapy and change.

Eventually she ghosted me after I couldn't get over her getting... .by a group of drunk guys.

This whole thing has left me with adrenal fatigue which the doctors tell me may take 8 months or more to recover from, effectively ended what was once a promising career, has cost me so far 3 years of my prime, and probably gonna be a while before I'm fully recovered.

Most of the bad stuff happened after our first breakup and tbh there was more than enough to say get the hell away from her after our first breakup but I didn't listen

She was more than happy to twist that knife in my back until stupid me finally got it.

My dignity is shot, my self respect left the building years ago, my life is a shambles I live in a messy room with a mattress on the floor with about $300 in my bank account, I've lost all my friends and most of my family, I'm badly out of shape and my future looks bleak.

If you want this to be you, sign up for a recycle

[mitatsu]

Hey Infern0

i feel your pain there and you have been through alot but even with a ongoing police case hanging over me i feel relieved to of made it out in one piece it could of been much worse (false allegations of rape or physical harm to her if we had stayed together)

take time buddy this moment is just that and the future will show great things for you and you will be safe in the knowledge that you can process all this and move on whereas both our Ex's are stuck in their own personal hell's

stay strong

[Lifewriter16]

Hi All,
I literally read this post, got the bus into town and bumped into my BPDxbf. Talk of serendipity! Aaaaaaah!
Lifewriter

[Infern0]

Hey Infern0

i feel your pain there and you have been through alot but even with a ongoing police case hanging over me i feel relieved to of made it out in one piece it could of been much worse (false allegations of rape or physical harm to her if we had stayed together)

take time buddy this moment is just that and the future will show great things for you and you will be safe in the knowledge that you can process all this and move on whereas both our Ex's are stuck in their own personal hell's

stay strong

Yeah the one thing this has done is built some mental resilience.

I mean things are bad buy it's not as bad as it has been.

Interesting aside, mine also wanted to be a nurse but dropped out of study for it two years in a row.

[mitatsu]

As a quick update after 6 months of hell being on police bail I have last night found out all charges against me are dropped... .so again dear friends proceed with caution and if you do get recycled please keep evidence of your other half's behaviour

[Skip]

Since this is a "what I learned" thread, what are the most important things that you learned?

[mitatsu]

Since this is a "what I learned" thread, what are the most important things that you learned?

Good question... .first and foremost it takes 2 to allow a recycle and magical thinking is a dangerous thing

any pointers from you Skip?