It’s Magic

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

It’s amazing how many of us rational people have fallen into the BPD trap and are trying their best to recover one day at a time, while the BPDex has moved on so soon.

I do believe it was “magic” as no other explanation fits the feeling of enrapture we feel for them, despite all they do.

For me, any day, event or activity where my bf would be present was always magical. His presence could lift even my worst mood. I’d wake up, and no matter how much we had fought the night before, just knowing I’d be seeing him that day was magical. His sheer presence was enough to make my day. I just took the bad as part of the good. Having him in my life made my life feel special and worth living.

Yet every good event was tainted with bad:

Dinner with friends: He asked me to open a straw for him. I asked him why he didn’t do it himself. That was it. He sulked and didn’t eat throughout the meal. I was so mad at his behavior that after dinner I started walking away coz I needed time to cool off. His bag of uneaten food exploded on the car next to me. He said he couldn’t tolerate the fact that I was walking away from him. This was the first time I though he might be bipolar.

Europe: He threatened me because our friends had rented 2 cars to drive around in and I was considering sitting in the other car for a bit to be with my friends. How could I leave him even for an hour? That’s not what people in a relationship do.

Far East: In the executive airport lounge, I didn’t run and get him a slice of cheesecake when he asked, therefore embarrassing him in front of everyone apparently. For that I was first raged at, then ignored until half the flight when I talked him out if his anger.

Another flight: A friend had teased him and I joined in so I had “broken the team,” and needed to be yelled at obviously. I had to pacify him for 20 minutes telling him I’d never do it again.

My birthday last year: before the party we fought because I was still friends with a guy I had a crush on for 2 weeks in college, 13 years before I met my BPD. And that guy called to wish me happy birthday. How could I do this to him?

And these are 10% of the scenarios I faced in our 16 month relationship.

All that and I miss him everyday.

It is magic. Nothing else explains it!

[mevz]

It’s amazing how many of us rational people have fallen into the BPD trap and are trying their best to recover one day at a time, while the BPDex has moved on so soon.

I do believe it was “magic” as no other explanation fits the feeling of enrapture we feel for them, despite all they do.

For me, any day, event or activity where my bf would be present was always magical. His presence could lift even my worst mood. I’d wake up, and no matter how much we had fought the night before, just knowing I’d be seeing him that day was magical. His sheer presence was enough to make my day. I just took the bad as part of the good. Having him in my life made my life feel special and worth living.

Yet every good event was tainted with bad:

Dinner with friends: He asked me to open a straw for him. I asked him why he didn’t do it himself. That was it. He sulked and didn’t eat throughout the meal. I was so mad at his behavior that after dinner I started walking away coz I needed time to cool off. His bag of uneaten food exploded on the car next to me. He said he couldn’t tolerate the fact that I was walking away from him. This was the first time I though he might be bipolar.

Europe: He threatened me because our friends had rented 2 cars to drive around in and I was considering sitting in the other car for a bit to be with my friends. How could I leave him even for an hour? That’s not what people in a relationship do.

Far East: In the executive airport lounge, I didn’t run and get him a slice of cheesecake when he asked, therefore embarrassing him in front of everyone apparently. For that I was first raged at, then ignored until half the flight when I talked him out if his anger.

Another flight: A friend had teased him and I joined in so I had “broken the team,” and needed to be yelled at obviously. I had to pacify him for 20 minutes telling him I’d never do it again.

My birthday last year: before the party we fought because I was still friends with a guy I had a crush on for 2 weeks in college, 13 years before I met my BPD. And that guy called to wish me happy birthday. How could I do this to him?

And these are 10% of the scenarios I faced in our 16 month relationship.

All that and I miss him everyday.

It is magic. Nothing else explains it!

[cbm419]

I can so relate. As long as we ended the night with our always intense, mind blowing sex and woke up snuggled so tight the next day- it all felt worth it.

Your stories remind me of being with my BPD at a water park with one of his work friends. She was overweight and recounted how years before she got stuck in a water slide, got injured, and needed assistance. For her it was a traumatic experience.  She had asked that we go on some of the tamer slides at this park when my BPD had been telling me all about the crazy intense slides this park had on the ride there. He wanted to do them all.

I made a joke in front of them both about how he wanted to do this and was obsessing about it all day. It was just a tease. Poking fun at the situation. Because to me it was clear the friend wouldn't be down for that, but I didn't want us to separate because to me, and any sane individual, the day wasn't about the rides, it was about sharing time w friends. I had also met her for the first time only hours before and wanted to cultivate the friendship. And saw this as the goal of the day.

When my comment, intended to inject levity into their contradicting desires, sunk in, my BPD bf went silent. Literally for 45 minutes he didn't say a thing. When I began to ask him what was wrong he clammed up more. Said i should know what's wrong. I should know what was bothering him. I put two and two together and when I had a moment alone w the friend, told her he had wanted to do the most extreme rides at the park. She captitualed. Suggested when we were back together that me and my ex split up from her so we could do what he had wanted all along. I thought this was socially unacceptable. The day was about spending time together. Not about the rides. And also, I had paid the admission of over 100 dollars for me and my ex. So he didn't have much at stake.

My ex stayed quiet and stand offish. Later on, we did separate because me and him had not eaten at all and she came w a full stomach and went off to the wave pool while we ate. At the parks restaurant, he flipped at me. Also was angry they didn't serve alcohol so he could drink his rage away. We sat eating overpriced theme park food (which I again paid for) while he screamed at me and called me names in front of families with small children. Like swearing and saying totally inappropriate things. I was mortified.

The whole day was ruined. Upon leaving, he demanded we sit in the parking lot and "discuss" AKA he scream at me about what happened. I had the audacity to suggest I just go home instead of spending the rest of the weekend together if he was going to treat me that way.

It was such a scene. So toxic. His poor friend -a total sweetheart by the way- sent multiple apologetic texts to him, saying she was sorry for ruining his trip to the park.

It was absolute insanity. And I put up with it. We dated three more months after this stupid day. I stayed even after being cheated on and physically abused during this time.

Looking back. I am so astonished with my own acceptance of his behaviors. And I still miss him. It is the most baffling sensation.

But thank god it's over and I can heal.

[mevz]

cbm419, this is the reason I love BPD family. The post is yours but all the experiences you mentioned are mine!

The number of times he exploded at me when our friends walked away. They never realized anything because they would just see him sulk, nothing more. And I was, like you, always trying to manage the situation because I wanted our friends included in things we went to together but he would think nothing of walking away from them and forcing me to do the same.

We had to discuss everything, which basically meant him sitting and yelling at me until I felt the only option was for me to apologize to stop the situation from getting worse.

He thought nothing of yelling at me in front of strangers. They didn't know us so what did it matter. When I felt embarrassed, he'd say I only cared about what other people thought, never about his feelings.

And the numerous times we sat in the car and "discussed" our issues. The only word really is toxic!

Also the part where you said you paid for it all. I had to pay for so many things. When he was in my side of town, I had to pay for meals because he was my "guest!" When I wanted to go for an expensive dinner, I had to pay because he didn't "believe" in paying exorbitant amounts for food, and anyway, it made sense to him because I earned more than him. I even paid for our last foreign trip and we had agreed to an IOU on his birthday in April 2017!

I'm 55 days NC. How long have you been away from the toxicity?

[lovenature]

Hi mevz

It isn't magic (although I can understand you thinking so), it is a very serious mental illness that runs it's course with the person who has it and their partner who stays with their PWBPD.

I am almost 1 year NC; the longer you are out, the clearer things become-very painful but the way to a better future!

[cbm419]

cbm419, this is the reason I love BPD family. The post is yours but all the experiences you mentioned are mine!

The number of times he exploded at me when our friends walked away. They never realized anything because they would just see him sulk, nothing more. And I was, like you, always trying to manage the situation because I wanted our friends included in things we went to together but he would think nothing of walking away from them and forcing me to do the same.

We had to discuss everything, which basically meant him sitting and yelling at me until I felt the only option was for me to apologize to stop the situation from getting worse.

He thought nothing of yelling at me in front of strangers. They didn't know us so what did it matter. When I felt embarrassed, he'd say I only cared about what other people thought, never about his feelings.

And the numerous times we sat in the car and "discussed" our issues. The only word really is toxic!

Also the part where you said you paid for it all. I had to pay for so many things. When he was in my side of town, I had to pay for meals because he was my "guest!" When I wanted to go for an expensive dinner, I had to pay because he didn't "believe" in paying exorbitant amounts for food, and anyway, it made sense to him because I earned more than him. I even paid for our last foreign trip and we had agreed to an IOU on his birthday in April 2017!

I'm 55 days NC. How long have you been away from the toxicity?

Oh my. we lived thru the same nuttiness and lived to tell about it.

the yelling in front of strangers was epic.  during that water park incident, he let loose so loudly that people started getting up and moving their families away.  he even called our friend (who, was overweight and had a traumatic experience before on a water slide) a "fat fcking cow and i dont care what happened to her." this was at the top of his lungs.  again, i was so mortified.  asking him to lower his tone/calm down was like daring him to be worse.  And he took that dare very seriously!

one distinction between yours and mine may be that so long as HE didnt know the person observing his rage, it didnt matter.  One time, we were parked near my home while he shouted at me in the car.  My neighbor, who I've known 20+ years, was walking by the car and stopped, saw me, and began to stare in fright. I told my ex to please not yell, this was my neighbor, I babysat his kids when i was 14, please! it had no effect. Neighbor's eyes were lit up-   style, and they slowly backed away like they had just seen a grizzly in the woods.  I have not spoken to this neighbor since... .we will pass each other in town occasionally and it is so awkward.

The car arguments/rages became such a pattern.  especially if he was driving.  we would be disagreeing, and he would pull into the nearest plaza or parking lot and just unload with rage.  it was as if he knew he had me captive and it was excuse to take the gloves off and really lay into me. it was so bipolar at times too.  Once we fought on a major highway ride an hour from my home (we lived about 1.5 hours apart during one period). I just ran out of juice, which he rarely did, and said "please, just bring me home, I can't have this weekend together if you will treat me like this." Any sane person would have seen this as an opportunity to stop, evaluate how far the argument had gone (which was about a song he liked that i did not... .of course became about everything in the world wrong with me) and say "sorry love, I didnt mean to go so far, please, lets forget it and enjoy our weekend."

Not him.  he pulled off the nearest exit, got back in the direction toward my home, and proceeded to go silent.  I kept say "why are you doing this, I just didnt want to fight.  If you can just stop yelling at me we can enjoy our time together." This was met with a lot of sarcastic "surreee"s and "whatever" or a lot of "you just dont get me"s.

we literally made it to my driveway and i began to open the door when finally he said "im sorry, DONT LEAVE!" I was dumbfounded. now we had driven a two hour circle and he was ready to apologize.  In fact, he was desperately trying to prevent me from (that special word) ABANDONing him.

soon we were back on the road and he was back to being normal, somewhat loving. looking back i dont understand how i put up with it all.

We have been fully broken up close to two months, in detachment for probably 5-6.  We go back and forth with NC.  If i have him on full block, he will still contact mutual friends with desperate attempts to reach me through them, or worse, phone my parents and attempt to locate/reach me thru them.  Its all so creepy and i've found it easier to not block him, endure the occasional text and remind him we are 100% done.  that tends to work best.

oh god... .this message board- its just the best!

[mevz]

cbm419, your recounting stuff is just the tonic I need to know that I’m not alone. I tell my therapist that with my friends, it’s now become “Why do you miss him so much when he treated you so badly and has already moved on? Why are you still so focused on him?” And I can’t tell them because they just won’t understand.

We used to meet at a financial center for our network marketing business, one that he roped me into saying it would settle our futures! Another thing I’m glad to be rid of. One day, near the security desk he was arguing with me so I started to walk off, and he literally yelled at me to stop and come back. The security guards were shocked because they had been seeing me there for 6 months. I tried to smile and make it look like it wasn’t a big deal. But every time after, when I passed the security desk, I was too embarrassed to make eye contact!

Also, he didn’t hit me, but he was aggressive and once grabbed me by the neck, another time gripped me by the upper arm and forcefully made me sit by him, slammed my car door in my face with all his might… it goes on... he was 6’3” and a huge strong man. I wonder if he realized his own strength? At 5’1”, there’ wasn’t much I could do to hurt him back!

If I didn’t comply with his wishes and when the crying and temper tantrums stopped working on me, he started threatening. He would threaten me that he was going to go and tell my family all about us. Our relationship was against my cultural norms, and he would use it to his advantage to forbid me from doing things, like going for a spa weekend with our common girlfriends. How could I even think of leaving him behind and going? That time, he tried to “reason” with me, then cried and yelled but I was adamant that I would go. So finally he threatened to talk to my family, or come and wait at the spa gates and not let me go in.

Another time, he was driving my car and we were going for one of the network marketing seminars and I don’t even remember what set him off. He started driving instead toward my home saying the time had come for my family to know it all. And I remember screaming at a decibel I didn’t recognize, telling him to stop my car and get out. And he refused. It felt so helpless being held captive in my own car. I got him to turn around, and I figured enough was enough, so when he slowed down, I started to open the car door, and he grabbed me by my sweater and held me in place. At that point I shrugged out of it and opened the door again, and he wrapped his free arm around my neck and held me in place. The story goes on with us parking, me running out of my own car, trying to get away from him. He called on my cell and told me to get back and in my panic I darted across the street and heard a loud screech and an SUV that was taking a quick turn stopped an inch from me. I still remember the driver’s shocked expression. I kept running and when I reached the other side, my cell was still ringing and I told him “I nearly got hit by a car,” and his calm response was “I never asked you to run.” That was it! And I stayed with him 6 months even beyond that!

I was with him for a year and a half.

This is my first post about him:
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=303091.0