My BPD ex boyfriend moved on...

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I've been reading stuff here for days, ever since I went NC 50 days ago. I see a lot of stuff about women with BPD, but it was my boyfriend who had it.

The same thing everyone said: he was the love of my life. I was 37, and he was 29, yet it was a relationship like none I've had. We were together for a year and a half, the most exciting time of my life. I felt, loved, I felt adored, I felt beautiful always. He was always available to me, would always walk me to my car, always sit by me at restaurants, always be there for me. But there were constant fights, break ups, switching on and off, compulsions, threats, verbal abuse and once he grabbed me by my neck too. My logical brain wonders why I didn't leave him, the other side still wants him and that thrilling time back.

I spent the time lying to my family and my friends all to be with him. He'd make me jump through hoops to keep proving my love for him and that he was the most important person for me.  I'm codependent and I kept bending over backwards for him. Finally I refused one of his compulsions, and he turned me black and we went NC. What scares me is that NC happened because he turned me black. If we had broken up on a loving note (because culturally we couldn't have gotten married coz of the age difference, his family refused to accept me), then we'd probably still be together. I didn't have the will power to do it. I needed him.

He checked so many boxes of BPD that I didn't need a psychologist to diagnose him. He is almost a texbook case: black and white, love and hate, threatening me, verbally abusing me, making me feel I'm the most amazing person in the world, hot and cold, being the best listener but using my words against me when it suited him, being spoiled rotten in his childhood, spending more than he could afford, borrowing money from me, lining up a new relationship when ours was near the end, jealousy, double standards when it came to us living by the same rules. Check, check, check.

During the 50 days into NC, I have been reading a lot, meeting my psychologist, and dealing with my feelings, my grief and my own codependency and mending relationships. Yet last night I found out that 30 days into NC, he went on a foreign vacation with a new female "friend," just the two of them, to a place he had been with me. I knew he had been away and after reading all that you guys have written here, I knew it would be with a woman, yet actually confirming it hit me like a ton of bricks. Also, he's still in touch with the woman he had lined up while we were together. So I assume he has 2 women in the mix.

Logically I know that I should feel sorry for these poor woman, who will be lured in like me. Just the fact that he refuses to accept he has BPD means he will never get help. I need to keep telling myself that their relationships will be no better than mine.

Yet, all I want to do is sit down and weep... .for myself, for the love of my life and for what could have been.

[mevz]

I've been reading stuff here for days, ever since I went NC 50 days ago. I see a lot of stuff about women with BPD, but it was my boyfriend who had it.

The same thing everyone said: he was the love of my life. I was 37, and he was 29, yet it was a relationship like none I've had. We were together for a year and a half, the most exciting time of my life. I felt, loved, I felt adored, I felt beautiful always. He was always available to me, would always walk me to my car, always sit by me at restaurants, always be there for me. But there were constant fights, break ups, switching on and off, compulsions, threats, verbal abuse and once he grabbed me by my neck too. My logical brain wonders why I didn't leave him, the other side still wants him and that thrilling time back.

I spent the time lying to my family and my friends all to be with him. He'd make me jump through hoops to keep proving my love for him and that he was the most important person for me.  I'm codependent and I kept bending over backwards for him. Finally I refused one of his compulsions, and he turned me black and we went NC. What scares me is that NC happened because he turned me black. If we had broken up on a loving note (because culturally we couldn't have gotten married coz of the age difference, his family refused to accept me), then we'd probably still be together. I didn't have the will power to do it. I needed him.

He checked so many boxes of BPD that I didn't need a psychologist to diagnose him. He is almost a texbook case: black and white, love and hate, threatening me, verbally abusing me, making me feel I'm the most amazing person in the world, hot and cold, being the best listener but using my words against me when it suited him, being spoiled rotten in his childhood, spending more than he could afford, borrowing money from me, lining up a new relationship when ours was near the end, jealousy, double standards when it came to us living by the same rules. Check, check, check.

During the 50 days into NC, I have been reading a lot, meeting my psychologist, and dealing with my feelings, my grief and my own codependency and mending relationships. Yet last night I found out that 30 days into NC, he went on a foreign vacation with a new female "friend," just the two of them, to a place he had been with me. I knew he had been away and after reading all that you guys have written here, I knew it would be with a woman, yet actually confirming it hit me like a ton of bricks. Also, he's still in touch with the woman he had lined up while we were together. So I assume he has 2 women in the mix.

Logically I know that I should feel sorry for these poor woman, who will be lured in like me. Just the fact that he refuses to accept he has BPD means he will never get help. I need to keep telling myself that their relationships will be no better than mine.

Yet, all I want to do is sit down and weep... .for myself, for the love of my life and for what could have been.

[Ahoy]

Hi Mevz,

I'm not on here much these days. I'm 11 months removed from separating from my ex-wife who is very likely BPD. I'm currently on holidays and for some reason unknown to me, I've hit a rough patch and I've spent the last two days ruminating heavily over my ex.

I haven't shed a tear for my ex and "what might have been" for a long time now, but the last line of your post really struck a nerve with me.

Like you, my relationship had all the crazy up's and down's that come with dating someone with BPD. Losing her left a terrible hole in my heart that I'm working to fill by myself. I struggle to see happy couples and beautiful women in public now because I acutely feel how single I am and the loss of simply having a significant other in my life.

It was mentioned a while ago here that perhaps some of us non's don't just miss our ex's but more the fact that we were in a relationship with someone and the feeling that comes from being in one. I feel this could be partly true with me. I'm still understanding my role in my former dysfunctional relationship.

I'm saying this because working on yourself and understanding your part in this is the only way you will move forward. You are thinking about someone who quite likely has a distorted way of thinking. His logic and reasoning will be as alien to you as yours is to his.

Feel sad, I still do on a weekly basis, but also feel powerful that instead of curling up in a ball and hiding away from the world, you made it to 50 days NC and you are still putting one foot in front of the other. Try and think less about what he might be doing and more on reasons why this is still important to you.

One last note, my plan on tackling my unwarranted ruminations this holiday season is to keep myself busy, surround myself with friends and family who genuinely care about me, enjoy their company and remind myself that my life is still rich, even without my ex in it.

Good luck this holidays and stay safe =)

[Hisaccount]

I am sure hearing that was devastating. I know it will kill me when I find the proof my ex has moved on.

But the last thing you said was "what could have been"

Remember one thing, it never would have happened. It never could have been good or lasted.

When my ex first filed I was distraught. Of course she blamed me for everything that is what they do, but I had one good point she could not argue.
I told her I don't blame her for the past I blame her for taking my future.

As time went on and I started learning more about BPD I saw the signs, Her whole life I see now.
Our future was never going to happen. Those dreams where never going to come true. It was all fake. Not to you or me, but to them it was never real in the same way.
They are not capable of holding up their end of a normal healthy relationship.

[mevz]

Thank Ahoy, as you said the best thing to do is “keep myself busy, surround myself with friends and family who genuinely care about me, enjoy their company.” It’s awful but despite having such loved ones, life feels weirdly empty. Mainly because one of our compulsive behaviors was to be in contact 24/7, whether it was talking on the phone or whatsapp. There was not a moment when either of us didn’t know what the other was doing. So I spend most of my time sitting on a bench writing in my journal and that’s what helps for now.

“Perhaps some of us non's don't just miss our ex's but more the fact that we were in a relationship with someone and the feeling that comes from being in one,” is very true. I think of it often. I miss him, or the concept of him. But just the fact that he went on vacation with another woman 30 days into NC would mean he started seeing her even before that and that’s what angers me. I shouldn’t be surprised… it’s textbook… but what kind a person does that? I was weeping in my therapist’s office this morning because of this. 50 day ago, his sole focus was trying to convince his family to accept me, and a few weeks later he’s with someone else. That feeling of being discarded is awful. Being a BPD he can’t help himself, but being human, I can’t help feeling hurt.

My therapist said I could never have managed to bring function into this dysfunctional relationship. She said there is not a shadow of a doubt in her mind that anyone he dates will face the same anger and manipulation and love/hate relationship. Whether he is BPD or not, his core traits and abusive personality, will manifest in any relationship he is in. Does it make me a bad person to feel strangely satisfied by this fact?

Also at the tail end of our relationship we hurt our mutual best friend “S” by lying to her about a number of things. She was out of town as her mom was sick during the 50 NC days and both of us kept in touch with her about her mom. She’s finally back. She is one of the relationships I have been working to mend and she says although she can’t trust me yet, she is willing to work at it. Like my therapist says, those who love you will eventually forgive you.

I’ve shared all his traits with S, to make her understand why I did what I did. But unless she witnesses his screams, his crazy crying, his compulsions, his threats, his irrationality, his senseless rules, his physical violence, his emotional abuse, him banging his fists on his head, she will never believe it of him. He also stayed in touch during her mother’s illness and struck an emotional chord of “being there for her.” My therapist said you can find someone’s vulnerability and use that to your advantage and you will be considered sweet and selfless. He’s a charmer, and I don’t feel any of our friends can believe what he is capable of without witnessing it.

However, he tried compelling her to choose a side saying she can’t stay friends with both of us. She probably doesn’t realize this but that’s how he works. He wants things his way. Always. Period.

Our old friends got together to celebrate a mutual friend’s birthday yesterday. Before I could even reply to the invitation, he RSVPd. So I backed off, and told the birthday boy in private that we could celebrate later. This is how thoughtless he is. My therapist says if he ever, ever loved me, he would care that I too was able to have my old friends. His belief is that we should just attend the same events and not have to back out because of the other. I don’t want to break NC so I will.

The good thing is I’ve blocked him on Facebook today. So that urge to go and check his profile constantly will subside…. I hope.

Sorry for writing all this, but it’s strangely therapeutic to put it all out there.

[Happy1]

Merv, here's an idea.

Reread your original post. In there there are a lot of answers for you. For example, on one hand you say he's the love of your life ("He was always available to me, would always walk me to my car, always sit by me at restaurants, always be there for me.", then you turn right around and say that, "But there were constant fights, break ups, switching on and off, compulsions, threats, verbal abuse and once he grabbed me by my neck too." Also, you mention his family didn't accept you... .

I believe (and likely know) you felt something magical about this person and that's what they typically call "mirroring behavior". He was giving you what you wanted, but when he couldn't sustain that with you, the fighting and combative side (his truer self) emerged. For BPDs this is easy. It's called "hooking" you. For whatever reason you (and I as well) are prone to these types of persuasions from individuals like this. That's what you need to concentrate upon. The "why" you're attracted to this person (people like this) when there's clearly so much not to be enamored with there.

His turning you "black" was, as you find out in time, the best thing he could do to allow you to heal yourself. Your decision to go NC is a great bold move on your part and probably a good sign that you have the sense to know something is not right about this person or a further relationship with him. Keep it up. Keep the faith that you will likely find a different much more real and honestly caring individual to love you. Love for you in the future may never feel this intense, but it certainly can feel many times more safe and rewarding.

[mevz]

Happy2, you’ve hit on what I’ve been feeling! You said “Love for you in the future may never feel this intense” and this is precisely the fear I have right now. It’s the intensity I craved all my life and it felt like this is what I’d been waiting for. And I know that in a “normal” relationship, that intensity will be missing. And it is that feeling that kept me hooked. It’s my rational mind vs my BPD-affected mind. With my boyfriend, no matter if he was hot or cold, I was always his prime focus. Many boards talk about the BPD losing interest in them, but I was constantly his focus. That never diminished. And at the start I was perfection in his eyes. He made me feel “worth being loved.” He addressed all my insecurities and no matter how he devalued me for my actions, he never put me down as anything less than being the most attractive thing to him. He knew my weakness was my self image and he never ever made me feel unattractive, not even in his worst moments, and for that I guess I was willing to let him get away with so much.

I agree with your statement about mirroring behavior. From the moment we began talking, we had so much in common.… we never ran out of things to talk about. Even 1.5 years later, we were on the phone 24/7. So the losing interest part never came in.

It’s funny how our friends can’t understand how it is to break up with a BPD partner. I know some of my friends think I should just get on with my life. How can you miss him if he treated you so badly? My therapist just told me about the dopamine addiction, and that made sense. I was addicted to him and he was to me, and no matter how bad we were for each other, neither wanted to let go.

Also a new term I just learned is gas lighting. Once he gripped me by the arm really tight and forcefully made me sit next to him. He even took away my free will to stand up then… And when I told him he was hurting me and that’s not what healthy people do, he said if you push anyone over the edge they will behave the same way. And I figured I must make him act like this. That was a classic example of gas lighting, making me feel like I had done something to deserve it. All his arguments ended with this. When I asked him if he behaved like this in his past relationships, he said no, somehow I managed to bring out this crazy side of him. Maybe coz our love was so intense! And I believed it!

My present practice is to block my mind when I start thinking about him. Especially with the other women. I still feel a sense of incredulity that he’s moved on, in whatever way he has. And that constant wonder if he’s even thinking about me. I know you all say that the BPDs don’t miss us like we miss them. I feel that takes away human emotion ad I can’t seem to wrap my head around that. He asked our friend S a couple of things about me but she refused to be the middle man and told him that if he wants to talk to her, it better not be about me. I’m glad she told him that, yet I’m a bit fearful that might push him into contacting me again. I will have to take it as it comes. It is only when I fear this contact that a part of me is glad he has another girlfriend(s) to focus on.

My therapist said she would give me two more sessions to try and figure him out, after which she said I should start working on my codependency. But today I feel I shouldn’t waste my precious sessions on him. I will ask her on Monday to start focusing on me, and making me strong enough to learn how to deal with future relationships. I need to feel better about myself before I can find myself moving on.

I just wish my feelings for him would “switch off” like his did for me.

[Happy1]

I just wish my feelings for him would “switch off” like his did for me.

But that's the difference, you're not a BPD.

It's old and kin of corny but, "Time heals all wounds." Or, if you like, like J. Lennon said, "Time wounds all heels."

You'll get over this in time. Keep working with your therapist. If som one I love hurt physically, as you described, I'd think real long and hard now as to why you'd allow that to happen to yourself.

Your friends who've not been in a BPD relationshipwillnever understand the intensity, but they likely are good to listen to as to how to move on. This board can help you with the empathy you need after a BPD break up, so feel free to post freely here.

[mevz]

Yes, this board is amazing.

I've blocked him on FB so that's good but first thing this morning, I see him tagged with a mutual friend in a pic. How many people do I need to block not to get this cold feeling wash over me each time I'm confronted by him? How can he look so happy and content in the picture after what he's put me through? These thoughts never cease to amaze me.

I am leaning on friends for comfort but I know that I'm the only person who can help myself. A lots of reading, a lot of alone time, and a lot of writing stuff down is what seems to keep me balanced for now. It just feels a bit lonely though.