I Desperately Need Advice

[Depression = 72% of members]

I'll try to keep this short so as not to bore the wits out of anyone. Dated my BPDex for 15 months, I ended up being lied to and cheated on countless times. Toward the horribly tumultuous end of the relationship, one of her side men informed me of the infidelities which he was a part of and was not at all sympathetic, honestly. It's been the hardest 3 months of my life. We slept together twice even after I found out about all these devastating things. The relationship was more of an addiction and sex was the main hook that kept me coming back.

About 6 weeks ago, she moved to LA on a whim. Presumably, because she was found out and everyone knew her reality, she panicked. She found a nice job and an expensive apartment and moved. I figured the replacement guy would be ditched as well. Unfortunately, someone very inconsiderately told me last night that they are in fact dating as evidenced by some sort of facebook post. I asked to know no more. It doesn't help me in any way. HOWEVER. Things get bad here... .

In October when I last slept with her, she received text messages and calls from this gentleman (who she cheated on me with... .I felt disgusting) and the messages seemed desperate. I suggested we stop having sex and that she respond to him. She just sort of forfeited that idea and said "He's fine, just drunk". It's horrible thinking about how many times I was the one popping up on that phone in HIS bed. So now that they are dating, I am entirely convinced he has no idea that I slept with her. My conscience is telling me to inform him that we did in fact sleep together. Regardless of how horribly he and my BPDex have treated me, I feel it is decent and righteous to tell him the truth on the chance that she is in fact lying to him. I wish someone would have done the same for me. I could not wish the pain I have felt on my worst enemy. Should I contact him? Her? Neither? Feeling like crap about it.

[seeperplexed]

I'll try to keep this short so as not to bore the wits out of anyone. Dated my BPDex for 15 months, I ended up being lied to and cheated on countless times. Toward the horribly tumultuous end of the relationship, one of her side men informed me of the infidelities which he was a part of and was not at all sympathetic, honestly. It's been the hardest 3 months of my life. We slept together twice even after I found out about all these devastating things. The relationship was more of an addiction and sex was the main hook that kept me coming back.

About 6 weeks ago, she moved to LA on a whim. Presumably, because she was found out and everyone knew her reality, she panicked. She found a nice job and an expensive apartment and moved. I figured the replacement guy would be ditched as well. Unfortunately, someone very inconsiderately told me last night that they are in fact dating as evidenced by some sort of facebook post. I asked to know no more. It doesn't help me in any way. HOWEVER. Things get bad here... .

In October when I last slept with her, she received text messages and calls from this gentleman (who she cheated on me with... .I felt disgusting) and the messages seemed desperate. I suggested we stop having sex and that she respond to him. She just sort of forfeited that idea and said "He's fine, just drunk". It's horrible thinking about how many times I was the one popping up on that phone in HIS bed. So now that they are dating, I am entirely convinced he has no idea that I slept with her. My conscience is telling me to inform him that we did in fact sleep together. Regardless of how horribly he and my BPDex have treated me, I feel it is decent and righteous to tell him the truth on the chance that she is in fact lying to him. I wish someone would have done the same for me. I could not wish the pain I have felt on my worst enemy. Should I contact him? Her? Neither? Feeling like crap about it.

[Broken88]

Hmm depends. What is your motive for contacting him? I know you said to clear your conscience, but wouldn't it be a bit for revenge as well?

I know i would think of revenge in your situation...

I think you shouldn't tell either... Will just bring more drama into your life... The best thing for you, i think, would be to cut her from your life as much as possible... As i understand from what i have read on this site, there is a good chance she is not done with you, and will come back in your life at some point.

I think the best thing to do is to be prepared for that, and know what you want then

Hope the best for you

-broken

[once removed]

Will just bring more drama into your life.

i think this is the bottom line.

[seeperplexed]

Hmm depends. What is your motive for contacting him? I know you said to clear your conscience, but wouldn't it be a bit for revenge as well?

I know i would think of revenge in your situation...

Maybe deep down, but I am not really in the revenge game right now. I just feel it is right because I wish so much that someone had done the same for me.

[once removed]

i recommend that whatever you do or dont do, wait.

remember, he isnt you, and you have little control over how he reacts or the results.

[Weary1402]

He will find out who she is soon enough.  You should try an out this behind you as soon as you can. Don't make any decisions until you don't feel angry/hurt anymore. I know it's painful, I'm sorry.

[Broken88]

Maybe deep down, but I am not really in the revenge game right now. I just feel it is right because I wish so much that someone had done the same for me.

I know it seems to be the right thing to do. And maybe it is.

But i don't know if it is the right thing to do for you friend!

You have been hurt so bad by all this. So the best advice i can give you (and myself actually) is F*CK HER and F*CK HIM! You do you, and try to get stronger, and know yourself better... Then you will be able to handle, whatever she throws at you, in a better way

This is just advice, YOU do what you feel you need to do...

But i think you would be happier if you at least thought it through for a couple of weeks, not what would be right, but how you would react to a strong drama moment with these two

Be careful, stay safe and good luck!

-broken

[heartandwhole]

i recommend that whatever you do or dont do, wait.

Agree 100%. This is not the best time to make decisions like that. There is no urgency, I recommend waiting until your thoughts and feelings have calmed. I understand that you would have wanted someone to do that for you, and it's a protective gesture on your part.

The problem is that all too often, I've seen this kind of warning backfire (the new partner doesn't believe you, the ex makes up stories about how terribly you treated her, etc.) and brings more pain into your life. It could turn out very different (and positive) in this case, we don't know, but right now you need peace and compassion, not more roller coaster emotions. 

Focus on yourself as much as you can. I know it's a challenge. We're here for you.

heartandwhole

[jhkbuzz]

At some point, you have to do what's best for YOU. Whatever that looks like.

Are you going to follow her around for the next 5 years, warning all of her lovers? The sad truth is she will continue to do this - and everyone who becomes involved with her will have to deal with the fallout themselves.

This is not your responsibility.

The longer you stay "hooked" in her drama, the longer your healing will take.

 

[lovenature]

The longer you stay "hooked" in her drama, the longer your healing will take.

Spot on!

Go complete NC, look after YOU, don't worry about what other guys (attachments) she is involved with; remember that the cycle ALWAYS repeats, and the disorder ALWAYS wins.