Living with BPD husband/father

[Josig]

Hi, I am new here, believe my husband of 11 years and father of my 3 young children (aged 4-10) has BPD and I'm feeling confused and like I am going crazy, wondering if I am exaggerating the situation or truly need help. I just finished reading 'The Essential Family Guide... .'.

1. I am worried about my children learning/inheriting the horrible behaviours he exhibits (snap rages, selfish behavior, irrational fights with me, chaotic demands upon the children), yet I feel they are safer with me than if I leave and attempt to separate. My 4yo daughter displays some irrational rage/splitting which I do not know whether I am overanalyzing or should be worried about, or is just part of her age.

2. I'm so upset because he has yet again spoilt Christmas (which he does every year we are not with others), after days of tension culminating in picking a horrible fight with me last night over $12 spent on stocking stuffers for children and when I had to (extremely carefully) tell him he'd made a mistake putting a bike together, subsequently I spent a couple of hours sitting in the car in a carpark late at night (not safe) after leaving the house to avoid becoming drawn into the spiral of rage, when really I should have been at home feeling safe and getting the sleep I obviously need. I know this mood can/will not be 'fixed' before Christmas day, and I am teary and sad for mine and the children's 'losses' of happy family time/memories (again).

3. I want to stay and build the relationship I crave (actual intimacy and caring/sharing) and help him be the person I know(think?) he is deep down but I worry this is not possible, and am I doing more harm than good for the children (who adore him unconditionally) and uselessly sacrificing my life for a lost cause. I know I could be a happier person without his constant instability and living on eggshells daily, and often fantasize about being single.

4. I have known for a long time that if we were to separate he would ensure it was a spiteful and vicious fight, including 'taking' the children, quitting his job (I am a stay at home mum currently) and causing as much damage as possible. After reading the book, now I see why, but it does work to make me stay.

5. Deep down I do not want to leave, I do want to help him and I believe kids should benefit from living with us both, but I don't know if what I do want is possible.

6. I have begun to believe that what I want (him to love/care for me, a stable and giving father) is too much to ask and unrealistic, and that my expectations are too high, although I regularly try to reassure myself it is not me, other friends/family members seem to have this (although sometimes I presume all relationships are a mess behind closed doors). I am losing perspective on what is normal!

I'd really appreciate some thoughts on how to feel better and proceed from here.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Mutt]

Hi Josig,



I'd like to welcome you to  bpdfamily. I'm sorry to hear that. I can se how lonely that would feel being in your car and thinking that you should be doing something else for the holidays.

I can relate with feeling like you're going crazy. I'm was with my ex for several years without knowledge about BPD, I had no clue with what I was dealing with, at one point I thought I was losing my mind. You're not alone.

BPD symptoms can get worse during stressful periods, the holidays is stressful for everyone. It may be normal behavior with your D4, I have a S5 and although he hasn't had a tantrum for awhile there were periods were he was splitting me, very briefly though, it's similar to BPD splitting.

A pwBPD are emotionally arrested at the young age of a child, they cannot see people as an integrated whole with both good and bad qualities, a good person has bad qualities and a bad person has good qualities. My son will sometimes say "I hate you dad!" In that moment, he sees me as all bad but that passes, for a pwBPD it's a defense mechanism that protects the ego against anxiety and stress. I was split either all good or all and sometimes for days, weeks, months and sometimes it was both split white or black in the same day. That was confusing because she may not of validated something that we had a disagreement about and out of the blue she was being super nice, I still had lingering resentment.

Th best place to begin is with the lessons to the right side of the board, read as much as you can about BPD, you will quickly see th benefits and become proficient over time, there's a reason why he acts the way that he does and its not personal. Above all, self care is really important, what do you for self care? Do you have people that you can talk to in real life when you need someone to listen?

[livednlearned]

Hi Josig,

Welcome and hello 

It's tough when it's supposed to be a special family holiday and it goes the other way. I think the stress to make it special was the exact thing that triggered the snapping/raging in my situation. Add relatives to that and kaboom. 

Was there anything in the Family Guide in particular that helped you? It can feel overwhelming. Maybe we can work with you on a specific example and go from there? What led to the conflict, how he responded, your response, the kids.

You say the kids love him unconditionally despite the rages. Is he a pretty hands-on dad?

LnL

[Notwendy]

It is scary to live with these mood changes and rages. I do understand the combination of positive and negative traits in these relationships and I think you have taken good note of these, along with your feelings.

The moods are out of our control, but by not adding to the drama- and being able to handle our feelings - that part can get better.

Do you have any emotional support for yourself through this process? Individual counseling can help us navigate relationships and personal changes.

I see you making the connection between your 4 year old's moods and your H's. This is normal 4 year old behavior. 4 year olds feel intense emotions in the moment and it is their task- as they mature- to learn how to manage their feelings in an appropriate way. It's us parents who help them to do this. The first step- as you know- is to not give in to their demands and also to not reinforce the behavior by giving it much attention. The way to deal with a child who is pitching a fit because he wants a cookie before dinner isn't to give him a cookie, isn't to plead and ask him to stop, or to try to calm him down. Our job is to teach him to deal with this frustration and calm himself down- we take him to a quiet place or room, pay as little attention to the tantrum, and let him calm himself.

People with BPD can also have difficulties managing their emotions. Yet, we do the opposite with them- walk on eggshells, give in to their demands, pay extra attention to try to snap them out of their moods, or allow them to project their feelings outward on to the others around them. They may be grown adults- but emotionally, in the moment, are acting like 4 year olds. The same principles can help here. We can't physically pick them up and put them in time out, but we can take our own time out- remove ourselves and let them learn to calm down.