tom90
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Posts: 6
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« on: November 26, 2016, 02:06:36 PM » |
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Hello friends.
So... .what happened with some background:
I got together with V. over a year ago, I was 25 and she was 20 at the time, we studied at the same university. It’s a first real relationship for me - I found it rather hard to be really open with someone, but it was possible with V. First part of our relationship she was depressed, getting over the trauma after her father’s death, looking for help with her symptoms (hurting herself, bulimia, talking about suicide etc) by going to psychiatrists. I felt like her older boyfriend and lover, but also a guardian and a guide, as she didn’t have close friends and had a weak contact with her family. She was much quicker with showing the affection, it took some more time for me, but after a few months I got in love and I felt both loved and accepted. We moved in together after 5 months of knowing each other to a small studio. It was quick and the place was too small for us but we felt that we will make it.
Then things started going off track: I had problems at my work in an organisation that we created, also I started to feel like I had no place to rest. When V. was not at home I was concerned about her coming back home and when she was home I was fully absorbed by her. Occasionally we would fight and she would talk about hurting herself or shout, but we learned to defuse each other. Her medication (sertraline) helped to alleviate her depressive symptoms and make her stable. Still, these months opened me, a logical and steady guy, to a world full of unpredictable emotions that I could not comprehend or events (e.g. she hurting herself in the bathroom) that left me a bit traumatised and scared about her life.
Over 3 months I felt that I started to like the emotional rollercoaster and it’s intensity. But at the same time I started to be depressed for the 1st time (low energy, cognitive problems, anhedonia, low sex-drive). Each month I was worse. V. told me that something was wrong - I tried SSRI medication as well but it took me even further from my well-being so after a month I had to come off of it. We got in a rut: I was frustrated and unproductive at home and she was absorbed during the day and it was tough for her to come home because of my depression, like she told me. She was scared that it will bring her depression back.
Therapists sessions didn’t really work for me, but we focused on my depression, not on my girlfriend, as I felt like a culprit (maybe I didn’t pick the right therapists - I tried two of the best I could find). I tried to talk her into going on Borderline therapy (as she admitted that she has this problem), but one day she said that she wanted to go and on another not; she even told me as if I forced her to go. Eventually she went for two sessions only to discover that she’s great and she doesn’t want to pay anymore (finances were the problem as well). One time she told me that she will never go to therapy, I told her that I cannot really be with her then, as I am too scared after the things that happened and that she could do it at least for my sake. We didn’t split then but it was tough for both of us.
V. told me that my depression is an urgent problem and I listened, so finally I found a great psychiatrist and he told me to wait for a month until we try some new medication. During that month it came out that she was flirting with my best friend, who had my full trust. It turned out after one party on which we were together that “she got in love with him”. It was a shock for me, so we had a fight and I told her that she has to move out for some time, few days maybe. She cried, begged and said that she loves me and she just got confused, but still, I knew that we need some time apart to think things trough. She came back after one day, we talked, got back together, but on the next day I couldn’t bear it, so we settled on her moving to her friend’s place for some time. I started taking the right antidepressants after we split and they really helped me to see the situation clearly, feel into my emotions etc.
So it’s almost 4 weeks since we split and I had no idea that spending time away from each other will mess with her mind so much. What happened was a hardcore rollercoaster for me, especially because we were really close and loving for all the time we’ve been together. I was settling into my medication and went into sports, but during those 26 day she managed to:
- get super mad for me throwing her away from the apartment (I was saying that we can switch or whatever, but she wouldn’t listen and would stay with her feeling),
- decide that she wants to be completely autonomous (which I get and have no problems with it),
- get closer with my best friend, while he’s confused and doesn’t let anything happen between them; however there is one part of the story that she tells me and completely different one that she tells him,
- tell me over and over that I am guilty of everything that’s happening,
- tell me that she has slept with someone for money during this time ? (this I have no idea whether she said to test me or is it true, as she has a history of lying and I cannot really comprehend it, because she has cash and everything... .),
- behave in cycles similar to this (it was this week): call me and yell at me -> next day meet with me and hug, say that she loves me and that we should live together but in a larger place -> then she doesn’t answer her phone -> the next evening she calls and says that she’s mad and that she doesn’t want to meet with me for now -> then text me during the night that she misses me and that maybe I could come over or that we should see each other tomorrow -> and then on the next day call me and say that she doesn’t want to see me now, because she’s not ready and she also has feelings for someone else.
- and God knows what else.
My (not anymore?) best friend tells me that this situation is too absorbing for him and that she doesn’t want to hurt anyone; also he says that nothing happened as they only talked a few times.
For the last 2-3 weeks each time we talk I tell her that: I love her, I accept her and I want her to be autonomous. I also said that the only thing that I don’t accept is her seeing my friend.
Unfortunately I also was not so accepting of her emotions, because they change so quickly now - I cannot bear it as it really hurts me.
I was also trying to convince her to just meet with me (we’ve seen each other 1 time during last 2 weeks), as only then we see if we really have feelings for each other. Maybe I pushed too hard with it, I know that I shouldn’t do it anymore.
I already managed to distance myself from the situation, but after she came over two days ago and discovered that she loves me, I got involved all again and I cannot concentrate on other things up until now, I am stressed and distracted all the time again.
I have no idea what to do. I cannot even really tell if I should fight for us getting back together and how to do it, or maybe if I should just back off. I feel that I love her, but it’s eating me up completely and I am losing myself again. When I show her my love when we are together, she reciprocates and it’s all great, but then when we’ll not together she’s like a different person.
I am back on the rollercoaster again, but now I have no idea where it’s headed and it’s not that fun anymore. I was in a great pain today, crying etc., probably after she backed off from what she said before.
I am madly in love with a Schrodinger's woman: she both loves me and doesn’t at the same time and it drives me crazy.
Thank you if you managed to read at least most of what I wrote… Thanks.
I would really appreciate your thoughts.
Tom
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