An introduction

[hunterrose]

I have been married for almost ten years and have come to suspect that my wife has some BPD traits.

I would not classify them as severe, but they are enough to cause significant issues to our relationship. I would call her a high functioning BPD. I think that this has made it possible for her to get through life without feeling that her behaviour has any negative consequences.

In some respects she is extremely highly capable. She is a great cook, our house is always spotless, she rarely forgets a birthday etc.

The trouble is she gets incredibly frustrated when other poeple do not live up to her incredibly high standards. For example, in our kitchen everything has a place. I understand that.  I try to put everything back in it's place. But wow betide me if I put the kettle back and the spout is pointing in the wrong direction, or if a stack of plates is not centered symettrically.

I know that this is small beer compared with some behaviour that people have to endure. It is very wearing to be repeatedly criticised over the smallest things.

I try to be philosophical about it. Since I started reading about BPD I have found it much easier to not take things personally. I apologize and move on and try to give her some space to calm down.

The big problem for me right now is her relationshsip with our daughter. She is seven and very sweet and she adores her Mum. But she is thoughtless and forgetful as most seven year olds are. In recent months this has been making my wife furious. Don't get me wrong, sometimes my daughter needs to be disciplined, but last weekend my wife worked herself up into a real state over something quite small. I can't even remember what it was, maybe my
Daughter didn't lay the table before lunch or didn't think help tidy up afterwards.

Anyway my wife ended up so mad at my daughter, giving her such a telling off, in the end I sent our daughter to her room to get her out of the firing line. Then my wife said that she couldn't stand our daughter and hated being her mum. And she was angry at me, because when I had said our daughter was pretty normal for a seven year old she felt I was just invalidating her feelings... .

So I guess the main support I need is advice on how to deal this. I don't think my daughter heard her say this, but I think the constant criticism is getter her down. I am doing my best to act as a buffer between them both. I obviously can't explain to my daughter anything about my suspicions about BPD. And I don't like contradicting or undermining my wife in front of my wife even when I think she is in the wrong, because I do believe in parents showing a united front.

I am sure I can explain more about our situation in subsequent posts - I just wanted to get that off my chest first.

Oh and by the way, I am 44 originally from the UK but now live in malta. My wife is 42 and was born in Vietnam. We have 7 year old girl and 19 month old boy.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Mutt]

Hi hunterrose,  



I'd like to welcome you to  bpdfamily. I'm sorry to hear that. It's frustrating and it feels hopeless when everything that we try to do w/ a pwBPD doesn't work. There's a reason why your wife acts the way that she acts. First, I want to tell you about a conversation that I had with my son's mental health therapist. I take him to his appointment every second week, he has a learning disability and he's a HSP ( highly, sensitive, person)

We were talking about validation and let's say that you planned to go to an auditorium for a family outing and you get there and it's closed. You forgot that it was closed on a holiday and it's not a big deal, you can just find something else to do. Your daughter later on has a tantrum, it's because she was really looking forward to going to the auditorium but she doesn't  really comprehend that it was closed and that life is flexible, you can just plan something else. That tantrum may of been preventable if your D's feelings were validated. Her feelings of disappointment were getting worked up throughout the day and it came out later on.

That being said, a pwBPD need a lot of validation, the person feels low self worth, have low self esteem, self loath and are hyper critical towards themselves and others. You can the lessons to the right side of the board, you can find validatiOn in lesson 3.

[Tattered Heart]

My question would by, why can't you share your concerns with your daughter? It could help. If she can understand that there may be something wrong with her mom that makes her act that way, then perhaps she won't take the hyper-criticism so personal. Maybe you could begin teaching her boundaries and how to stand up for herself at this young age. Maybe by her learning how to cope with a BPD mom the cycle of co-dependency can be broken before it becomes ingrained in her for life. Of course you would want to have this conversation at an age appropriate level.

Perhaps the conversation could start with, "Hey, I wanted to talk to you about when your mom yells at you. How does it make you feel?" or "It hurts my feelings too when mom yells at you (or yells at me). I think it's important that you let her know when she hurts your feelings... ."