Desperately seeking help coping with a BPD breakup

[RF24]

Hey everyone. So I've had a long and winding 6 months; legitimately the worst 6 months of my life by far. These 6 months followed a year long relationship with who I now know is a 30 year old woman with very, very severe BPD. I knew nothing about BPD until after the breakup when I was taking it unusually hard. Basically, I'm so sick of feeling like this and I'm desperately seeking help, answers, advice, support. No one in my life really can understand this so I found these forums online and I'm going to tell you a story that I'm sure you've seen numerous times. All I can do is tell my story and hope someone is kind enough to help me somehow, someway.

Of course I apologize for the length, but I don't know any other way than to present the entire story. I am desperate for help. There's so much I could say and so many little things but I'll do my best to paint a general picture. i'm an otherwise normal, successful guy but this has just torn me apart and ripped my heart out and I'm at my wits end feeling like this.

I'm 26 years old now. I had known this girl since I was 22 and became social media friends after meeting at a work event. She's 4 years older than me. She's in the same city, has mutual friends and some of the same interests as me, so we were aware of each other and would exchange messages occasionally. She's attractive and I always had a crush on her. One day, I got a text from her new number (under the pretense that she had to change her # due to someone not leaving her alone and she was texting all of her contacts her new number).

One thing led to another and we ended up meeting for a drink. We hooked up that night. She invited me to a wedding later that week. We had a really fun time, and there was something about her that I couldn't put my finger on but that was intoxicating to me. She was like completely in the moment and totally into me. Of course deep down, I knew it was abnormal the way she felt about me, but I didn't care because I genuinely thought that she was different and a very unique and special girl. A week after we met for that first drink, she posted on Twitter something about a doctor's visit and getting bad news. Again, keep in mind this is at this point a 28 year old girl who has a 2.5 year old daughter BTW, who presented herself as a co-owner of her business. Very classy, sophisticated person.

She had mentioned that she had leukemia years ago, I knew this before meeting up with her. So of course, I texted her and asked her what was wrong, she asked me to come visit her, and I went over her house and she told me that her cancer came back. Over the next month, she operated under the lie that she was going twice a week for chemo treatments. Sounds bizarre but this is the first month of our "relationship" and she would force herself to throw up when I was around her. So for the first 2-3 months, she was apparently sick with cancer. Other than the cancer, things were great. She literally mirrored everything about me. I'm a big Rolling Stones fan so she would wear a Rolling Stones tongue shirt. I love sports so she would always put games on when I went over her house. Basically, she became my ideal girl. I didn't fall as hard for her, because it's not normal or human to fall for her the way she supposedly fell for me, but I did care for her and ultimately I did fall in love with her.

And the sex? Holy goodness. The sex was out of this world. She would always want sex. She could never get enough and she was INSANELY good.

This lasted for a couple months. After a couple months, she started getting annoyed with me for reasons which I had no idea why. For example, one day we were driving home from drinks and she said I was too quiet and it led to an argument. Then the next morning she sent me a ton of texts apologizing and begging me not to break up with her (was never a thought in my eyes - everyone has arguments).

She would tell me that she never felt this way about anyone before. No one ever understood her like I do. No one made her feel alive like I did. She told me she was abused as a child and had been raped.

She bought me gifts that meant the world to me. She named a star after my grandparents.

But it seemed like every time we went out, something weird would happen. At the time, it was under the pretense that she was in cancer treatment and was always getting sick. There was always an ailment or some issue. Then the night would get F'd up, and the next day she'd be apologizing. This went on constantly.

One night we went to see a Bryan Adams concert and she faked a brain lapse and I drove home with her acting like she didn't know who I was. She ended up telling me that when she had leukemia, her brain was affected and this happens from time to time. Her best friends, who I met, also were used to these lapses.

I know this all sounds so bizarre, but at the time I thought I was taking care of a GF with cancer (although she never wanted me to come with her to her treatments because she wanted to be alone - red flag, for sure, but didn't click at the time).

I went through a period where she was cured, where she got re-diagnosed and had 6 months to live, she faked a surgery, etc etc.

I ended up lending her a total of $2500 for different things, "medicines," etc.

But her as a mom? Best in the world. Best mom in the universe. She treats her daughter like she treated me our first couple months.

So fast forward a year through the relationship - the (what I now know to be) mirroring stopped, she started picking fights over the smallest stuff, we'd break up, she'd beg for me back. Not until we broke up did I discover that she lied about all the cancer. That she lied about so much. I went NC for 90 days after a month of begging and pleading, then I checked her FB and saw her in a relationship with a guy that she was talking to when we were together.

We broke up in July. I've had 3 different periods of NC. All 3 times I broke them, including this most recent time, she's been extremely cold to me. Like I don't exist. This most recent time, I called her out on everything and she told me she never loved me, she was just lonely and needed someone in her life. Now she is madly in love with her new boyfriend and he makes her feel like she never felt before.

I left so much out, but you get the gist. Severe BPD. Severely mentally ill. But I can't get past the mirroring stage. No one ever treated me that way or cared for me in that way... .

[RF24]

(Ran out of character space)

I can't get past the girl she was those first few months. I can't get past the way she cared for me and was so sweet and compassionate. I've only been in love twice and I'm just a regular guy with real feelings. The breakup sucked enough, but her being so cold? No compassion? No thought of ever texting me?

She ended up moving away to another city with this guy who she was talking to when we were together.

I feel like she is so embarrassed about what she did that she had to go find someone that knew nothing about her so she could start the process over. That thinking about me brings up those things that she did and brings out shame and she just projects it as my fault.

Had I known she had these issues, I would have helped her. I love and care about her so, so much. I never knew she had issues because she presented herself as a totally different person. One that was well put together, who was great financially, who had so many friends, etc. I also was never myself with her because I was always trying to get her past her current ailment, health issue, whatever the case may be.

I know she treated me terribly. I know she is severely mentally ill. But I can't get past that look she would give me early on, that look of an innocent child in a 30 year old's body and I can't lose my feelings for her. And I've had periods where I've been awesome and doing very good and talking to other girls, but I always compare them to her in her mirroring phase and of course, no sane human can match that.

So yeah... .I'm just searching for any sort of help, any sort of therapy recommendations. I'm not suicidal but if I wasn't so strong, I think I would be because this girl has just been the most destructive force that I could ever imagine. But I still love her.

[fromheeltoheal]

Hi RF24-

And welcome!  I'm sorry you're going through that, it is very painful and confusing, although not unique around here, we've all been or are there, we understand, and you're not alone.  Best to read as much as you can here, posts, articles and workshops, as well as other's posts, and of course post as much as you need to.  There is a way out and life will get very good again, by putting one foot in front of the other, on day at a time.

Many of us have gotten good value from this: https://bpdfamily.com/content/surviving-break-when-your-partner-has-borderline-personality

[heartandwhole]

Hi RF24,



I'd like to join  fromheeltoheal and welcome you to the site. I'm really sorry to hear about your breakup. They are brutal. I felt shattered after mine, and it took time and patience to get back on track. And a lot of grieving. These breakups are not like "normal" ones. These relationships touch something inside of us that has always been there, but usually out of our awareness, and that can bring up painful fears, losses, and hurts from our past.

You've come to a great place for support. Members here have been where you are, and understand what you are going through. The site has tons of tools, too, to help you get through. Things DO get better, RF24, even though it doesn't feel like that now.

How have your friends and family reacted—are they supportive? It's important to surround yourself with people who care and can listen right now. It's all too easy to isolate, if that is your tendency. Also, are you taking care of yourself, i.e., sleeping enough, eating right, getting some exercise? That can help tremendously.

Hang in there, and keep writing. It helps to share your story. We're here for you. 

heartandwhole