my sister is in a crisis and I fear for my own safety.

[sheabutter27]

Please I would like any help or insight from anyone who has gone through a similar situation. my older sister has severe issues, she is diagnosed and on medication for some issues but is very secretive sbout what they are. However she is a classic BPD, fitting all criteria i can find. I recently moved back to the area we live in, and not realizing how bad the situation had gotten, out of my own financial need and hers, we agreed to share an apartment. For the first 6 months things were ok with only occasional blowups, because she was also staying for a majority of time with her long time boyfriend. In the past 2 months they started having relationship issues and basically have broken up, now this is a huge crisis for anyone but as you can imagine for the BPD its basically the end of life. She has been threatening suicide and all kinds of things, which is normal for her, basically she threatens suicide so much I cant take it seriously anymore, but i guess you never know.

But the worst part is, that she is absolutely impossible to live with. She throws tantrums, she screams at me, she disturbs the peace in out apartment i fear for noise complaints and/or police being called.  In every situation I am usually doing aboslutely nothing that would warrent such blowups. (in a normal reality)
Tonight I was out late (midnight) and did not think to text that i was going to be late, this was a major crisis and she began screaming at me in out in the hallway and slammed out front door over and over. The ranting and cursing was intense, as you know reasoning gets you nowhere. She was basically trying to kick me out of my own apartment, we share the rent and utils evenly.
she has only now just begun staying overnight often. We have 6 months left in this lease and I cannot live this way. I fear she may attack me, and even if its not physical, the violence and screaming at any time day or night is unlivable.

I have always been the baby of the family, and up until the last few months, she did not unleash her rages at me often. other family members were demonized but not me. I see now that its changed, and I can accept that. However i need to figure out how to cope in this situation. I am trying to distance myself and I know its not personal. However i am stressed to the max, I fear her destroying my relationships/job and I dont trust her around my personal belongings.
I have lost all trust for her. I want to move out, but I know this will expose me to even more emotional violence from her.
I also feel guilty if I were to leave her with the full expenses, as she is on a fixed income, and she has been very good and generous to me in the past.
She is beyond caring what anyone: our neighbors, the landlord etc thinks or the consequences of her actions. I fear she may be arrested, because I would have to call 911 if her rages escalated anymore than they already have. Nobody matters to her anymore, and she keeps saying we are "just roommates" however I dare not point out that a "roommate" would not dare scream at or abuse me in the manner in which she does. I guess what I am saying is that her patterns have changed and where before her rages would go in cycles, she is basically a live wire every minute of the day. I feel like i might have a breakdown because of this stress. I recently have been diagnosed with an autoimmune disease, in which stress makes symptoms worse... .im scared for my own future and keeping myself above water, I do not know how to handle her overwhelming disorder.

Please, if anyone has insight or ideas, please share them. I apologize for the bad formatting/typos/grammer issues. Im using an ipad and its the middle of the night. Thank you for any help or support you might offer.

[Woolspinner2000]

Hi Sheabutter! 

Welcome to our family and I'm really glad that you found us and have reached out for help. There are a lot of compassionate members here who will be able to understand what you are going through. Were you able to take time to read any of the resources here on your first visit? I'd like to point you specifically to the right hand column where it says in the black area "Healing when a family member has BPD." Please take time to read the Safety First portion asap to begin.

It definitely sounds like you have a escalating situation on your hands. Your uBPD sis is exhibiting her own internal upheaval and projecting it out to you and sounds like nearly everyone else in the apt building. First let me ask what are you able to do to keep yourself safe? You come first right now, even though she also needs help. You can't help someone else unless you are able to care for yourself first. Do you have an emergency plan in place of where you can go and who you can call in the event that you need to slip away from her? Having a plan in place will help you to feel empowered and able to keep more calm inside yourself when the world is shaking around you.

Please let me know how you are today. We are here for you! 

 
Wools

[sheabutter27]

Hi Woolspinner, Thank you for your thoughtful reply. I did read some of the materials available on this site.
Its a lot to wade through when I am in a state of intense distress, but I can tell there is real value in them, especially as it relates to healing.
 At the moment we have not spoken as she usually isolates and sleeps most of the day and is active in the evening/night. She could be quiet and let it go, or as I am anticipating continue the tirade and create other things to be angry over. At them moment I am the lightening rod, I want to be able to break this cycle.

I am seriously considering ways to break the lease and move out, as I feel unable to sustain this. I have a nearby elderly father who I could go stay with overnight if need be. He has also been a target of her intense verbal/emotional/physical abuse in the past. He fortunately now lives beyond her control and is independant.
During her rage she was actually trying to say I should go run to him and get out of the apartment (she is intensely jealous of our relationship)

My coping mchanism is that I wish to completely isolate myself and avoid her for the rest of my life, I would not regret disappearing and never seeing her again. I have offered nothing but my love and care to her, she was like a mother figure to me; she was 14 when I was born and cared for me when I was a baby and through the years.  I've tried to help her over and over, but she does not want help... .its violently rejected or belittled, I know this is normal behavior for them, but i dont see anything else I can do. Shes trapped in the cycle of her own destruction and I cannot be a part of it. I know there is no rationalizing or justification  for this behavior, but my intenal systems wish to make sense of it.

[Fie]

Hello Sheabutter  

What you are finding yourself in sounds really terrible. It is enough for anyone to go have a serious breakdown, let alone someone who has to additionally deal with the stress of a newly discovered autoimmune disease.

I think you can use a hug  

I also feel guilty if I were to leave her with the full expenses, as she is on a fixed income, and she has been very good and generous to me in the past.

People with BPD cross our boundaries all too often, in a way normal people would never do. One of the reasons why is because we let it happen... .They know and feel that we feel guilty only thinking about removing ourself, so they continue.  
I am afraid there is no one who will be able to stop her, her abusive outbursts will most likely continue. The only thing you can do here is walk away and move out. In my personal opinion you do not have any other option. The fact that she will be left with all of the expenses is a nasty side effect indeed. But she is responsible for her own actions, you are not. She is the one abusing you, not the other way around.

Once you will have removed yourself, you will be in a more quite space and will have more time to heal and to slowly overthink if and how much contact you still want with her (and on which terms).

I understand so well that you also feel guilty because she was like a mother to you, not only like a sister. The fact that she helped raising you does not imply however that she has now the right to abuse.
I am raising my daughter - this of course does not give me the right to abuse her - actually it's the other way around : I have to make sure she feels cared about.

Does this make sense to you ?
Please be gentle for yourself, and remove yourself from the equation.

[Naughty Nibbler]

Hi Sheabutter:   
I'm so sorry about the situation with your sister.  It has to be overwhelming to feel unsafe in your home and wondering when your sister will lash out at your again.

My older sister has severe issues, she is diagnosed and on medication for some issues but is very secretive about what they are. However she is a classic BPD, fitting all criteria i can find.

Anyone else in your family have mental health issues?  Is it possible that your sister has gone off her meds?  People with BPD commonly have issues with anxiety, depression or are bipolar.  Do you think that you sister has any of these issues? 

I have always been the baby of the family, and up until the last few months, she did not unleash her rages at me often. other family members were demonized but not me. I see now that its changed, and I can accept that.  She was like a mother figure to me; she was 14 when I was born and cared for me when I was a baby and through the years.

I'm thinking that the breakup with her boyfriend was her recent trigger.  Perhaps, her fear of abandonment is at issue.  She may be prompting you to abandon her.  It might be helpful to read about: FEAR OF ABANDONMENT (6-Page Discussion)

What was the situation with your mother?  Why was your sister in the position of being your caretaker?

[sheabutter27]

Thank you so much Fie and Naughty, I can say your kindness is amazingly helpful and I appreciate it so much, a virtual hug does feel very welcome. Thank you for validating my worth and being supportive. I did not expect much if any replies, so i am greatful you all took the time to reach out to me, it means more than you might realize. I will try to answer your questions.

 My mother is a combination of schizophrenic and bipolar, this is formally diagnosed and she takes medication now. (usually) she lives in another state and is not a big part of my life. However during the years me and my siblings were growing up she was untreated. I know that this has scarred and wounded all of my siblings, it manifests in different ways. I believe my BPD sister was sexually abused by a family member, she says this. and also had terrible experiences as a teenager with men.
My mother was somewhat neglectful and my sisters stepped in to care for me as a baby.  I lived with my sister as a teen because she was financially supportive of my father and myself, this came at a terrible price but its one we seem to pay when its family.

I do believe her breakup is tearing her life apart, and she does have fear of abandonment and trust issues. These are being projected onto me.
She has depression, anxiety, eating disorders, addictive behaviors... basically everything you can imagine. She takes strong medication, like a travelling pharmacy. She is very secretive and tries to never let anyone see her take it, even me.

I am hoping we might be able to reach some compromise as far as ending the lease. I am not sure exactly what my next steps will be, but I  am keeping all options open and preparing myself as much as possible.
 We had a small text communication and she is remorseful and quiet without actually apologizing or admitting to any wrongdoing, this is expected, but at least its quiet and I can hopefully sleep without this awful anxiety tonight.

[Woolspinner2000]

Hi Sheabutter!

How are things going for you the past few days? Have they settled down any? It sounds as if you are forming a plan, and that is a good thing. You also seem to have a good grasp of what is going on. Have you been able to discuss with your landlord the possibilities of ending your portion of the lease?

 
Wools

[sheabutter27]

Hi Wools, Things have calmed down consideribly, She has spent the past night at her ex?boyfriends house... I do not know if they will be working anything out. She has been remorseful and basically pretending nothing happened, like putting back items she had moved and taken away in her rage,  giving me small gifts of a household nature (soap) etc.
 I looked into the lease and it would be a huge loss of money... I guess i am hoping she can work it out with her BF and will go back to being mostly absent until the lease is up... Its less of an upheaval to stay, but I will have to leave if she is continuously behaving as she has been... Thank you for your kind words before, and for checking up on me! I hope you are well in your life.

Hi Sheabutter!

How are things going for you the past few days? Have they settled down any? It sounds as if you are forming a plan, and that is a good thing. You also seem to have a good grasp of what is going on. Have you been able to discuss with your landlord the possibilities of ending your portion of the lease?

 
Wools