He is not ruining my holiday...How I took control.

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

  . Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, Blessed New Year to all of my BPD family members. Reading your stories and advice over this past year (few years, really) has helped me so much.  That is why I feel the need to share this story:

Two nights ago, I got a text messgae from my BPD ex.  I haven't heard from him in months, and the last time we exchanged text messages, it was ugly. (As usual). Anyway, the text said, "I hope you guys have a great Christmas. I really do." When I awoke yesterday morning and saw that message from the night before (I was actually enjoying a family Christmas gathering that night and had left my phone in my purse so I didn't see the message until yesterday morning--thank goodness!), I was stunned. After all, the last text I had received from him was above the Christmas one, and that text was hateful and horrible beyond words.

Anyway, I said to myself, "Thank god I didn't see this last night because I would have gone over the edge.  Especially considering the fact that I had been drinking a little."   And then it hit me: "If I respond to this in ANY away--his response whether kind or hurtful--will upset me and ruin my Christmas Eve and/or Christmas. My kids deserve to see me happy. I deserve to be happy this holiday season." So I made a conscious decision to take CONTROL by not even responding one way or the other. (Plus I am conflicted about what I would say anyhow.)

Maybe I will respond later in the week. I don't know. Because he isn't going to cause me to bring in the new year upset and crying. He ruined enough holidays and birthdays when he was here... .well, not this one.

So my advice to anyone out there struggling with the loneliness of the holidays and lost traditions with your BPD... .reaching out at this time of year is tempting but also dangerous. Everyone is feeling a little extra emotional, even our BPD's. But the twinkling lights and presents are only for a season.  Wait a while and then see how you feel. Remember: New Year=New Beginnings.

[Wood stock]

  . Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, Blessed New Year to all of my BPD family members. Reading your stories and advice over this past year (few years, really) has helped me so much.  That is why I feel the need to share this story:

Two nights ago, I got a text messgae from my BPD ex.  I haven't heard from him in months, and the last time we exchanged text messages, it was ugly. (As usual). Anyway, the text said, "I hope you guys have a great Christmas. I really do." When I awoke yesterday morning and saw that message from the night before (I was actually enjoying a family Christmas gathering that night and had left my phone in my purse so I didn't see the message until yesterday morning--thank goodness!), I was stunned. After all, the last text I had received from him was above the Christmas one, and that text was hateful and horrible beyond words.

Anyway, I said to myself, "Thank god I didn't see this last night because I would have gone over the edge.  Especially considering the fact that I had been drinking a little."   And then it hit me: "If I respond to this in ANY away--his response whether kind or hurtful--will upset me and ruin my Christmas Eve and/or Christmas. My kids deserve to see me happy. I deserve to be happy this holiday season." So I made a conscious decision to take CONTROL by not even responding one way or the other. (Plus I am conflicted about what I would say anyhow.)

Maybe I will respond later in the week. I don't know. Because he isn't going to cause me to bring in the new year upset and crying. He ruined enough holidays and birthdays when he was here... .well, not this one.

So my advice to anyone out there struggling with the loneliness of the holidays and lost traditions with your BPD... .reaching out at this time of year is tempting but also dangerous. Everyone is feeling a little extra emotional, even our BPD's. But the twinkling lights and presents are only for a season.  Wait a while and then see how you feel. Remember: New Year=New Beginnings.

[heartandwhole]

Hi Wood stock,

You go—well done!    Your post is inspiring. It can be so difficult to refrain from that automatic response to these kinds of messages. I think you are so right that it is an emotional time for many people—BPD or not.

Taking time to wait before responding is an excellent choice. I was reminded recently of the concept that if we would wait just 10 minutes before taking action on an urge or craving, we could avoid impulsive behavior that leads away from our (true) goal.

Taking the time to feel is so important, in my experience. That's what the all the urges to reach out are about anyway, what we are (or aren't) feeling.

Happy Holidays to you.   

heartandwhole

[Wood stock]

I am happy to report that I never did respond to his text, and I enjoyed my family and friends these past few days... .all without drama and tears and tense nerves. What a feeling... .

[heartandwhole]

Yes     Great news, Wood stock !  You put yourself and your needs first. A great example for us all.

heartandwhole

[Roselee]

Woodstock, that is very good news that you did not respond.  I know I was thinking myself, if I received any texts or messages from my ex, I would hope that I would be strong enough not to respond. Honestly the idea of having to make that decision alone, sometimes gives me anxiety.
 
You had mentioned that your ex had ruined many past Holidays, Birthdays etc for you and that really hit home with me.  And it took me along time to realize that he has done that. Probably just recently I had this realization.  I too was able to have my FIRST Christmas that wasn't ruined with his anger, accusations, anxiety, and just overall mean behavior... .followed of course by my tears.  It was truly wonderful to do whatever I wanted this Christmas and smile! 

Is this a common BPD trait?  Do they tend to react differently or have a spike in their emotions on Holidays? I think my ex just wanted me to be with him regardless, he often would think of only his needs and family, rather than mine and my daughters.  What is it about the Holidays that tends to bring out the worse in them, and in turn make for these horrible memories for us? 

Good for you for staying strong!  Best of luck and happiness to you!

 

[Wood stock]

Thanks to you all for the encouragement. Instead of replying to his text, I type here on the message board. Thanks for being my outlet and source of strength. 

[Wood stock]

And by the way ya'll... .he is not ruining my  New Years holiday either... .though I bet he will try. I hope you all take the same stance. I am telling you--it's EMPOWERING.

[michel71]

Bravo Woodstock! Give me some of that courage and resolve, will you?