BPD roommate/my bf's ex

[madmoxxi]

Okay so I need help with setting boundaries with my roommate between her and me and my bf. She is very manipulative and knows that if she gets aggressive with me when I set the boundary as my therapist has suggested, I will start to experience minor PTSD due to her raging a few months ago that triggered my PTSD when she targeted me(which she did on purpose, knowing my triggers).
And I tell her not to do things, like, don't let your dog play with my dogs toys because your dog tears them up, and she  gets snippy with me and says I have bought so much for your dog (nothing. Nothing at all.) And continues to use my dogs toys and let her dog tear them up.
Additionally, since she dated my bf for like, 3 months, she likes to flaunt that and make up lies about it. Which seems silly but I have severe GAD so it bothers me on a certain level, even though I know it's not true.
Any words of wisdom?

[madmoxxi]

Okay so I need help with setting boundaries with my roommate between her and me and my bf. She is very manipulative and knows that if she gets aggressive with me when I set the boundary as my therapist has suggested, I will start to experience minor PTSD due to her raging a few months ago that triggered my PTSD when she targeted me(which she did on purpose, knowing my triggers).
And I tell her not to do things, like, don't let your dog play with my dogs toys because your dog tears them up, and she  gets snippy with me and says I have bought so much for your dog (nothing. Nothing at all.) And continues to use my dogs toys and let her dog tear them up.
Additionally, since she dated my bf for like, 3 months, she likes to flaunt that and make up lies about it. Which seems silly but I have severe GAD so it bothers me on a certain level, even though I know it's not true.
Any words of wisdom?

[Naughty Nibbler]

Welcome Madmoxxi:  

Sounds like you are in an awkward situation.  Any chance that you and your boyfriend can move out or that the ex can find another place to live?  Even in the best of circumstances, it is usually awkward to have an ex partner in the household, with you and your partner.

. . . I will start to experience minor PTSD, due to her raging a few months ago that triggered my PTSD when she targeted me (which she did on purpose, knowing my triggers).

Additionally, since she dated my bf for like, 3 months, she likes to flaunt that and make up lies about it. Which seems silly but I have severe GAD so it bothers me on a certain level, even though I know it's not true.

You can't change the roommate, only the way you interact with her and react to her. The workshop on  BOUNDARIES might enhance your currente knowledge and give your some helpful ideas

Boundaries can be a bit tricky, and sometime may need some adjustment.  Have you talked to your therapist about some specific boundaries to use when your roommate rages?  It is generally best to avoid argument and perhaps leave the area (another room, go outside, etc), or leave the home if necessary.

The article below has some helpful info. on avoiding circular arguments.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=118892.0;all

I can understand how angry people can be very uncomfortable to be around.
The thread below might interest you.  Someone coined the term "Ragephobia":.
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=119083.0;all

You might need to adjust the boundary regarding the dogs. If the dog's can't be separated (with their respective toys), then your dog's most vulnerable toys may need to be withheld by you, until you can observe.  The comparative size of the dogs could be a factor.

Even therapy dogs will grab onto toys that aren't theirs.  The therapist I see shares an office suite with other therapists, one of which has a therapy dog with her daily.  My therapist brings her dog in once a week (currently on the day of the week that I tend to have an appointment on).  I actually had a laugh about a situation with the 2 dogs.  I had given my therapist's dog a toy to keep for the office.  My therapist shared with me, that on one particular day, the other therapist's dog took the toy and kept it for an entire day.  We had a laugh about it.

Sorry to digress, but thought I'd share the dog story.

Check out the threads on boundaries and avoiding circular arguments and let us know if you find them helpful.

[Turkish]

Roommates can be tough, even the best. 

It sounds like she flat out isn't listening to you.  What other issues besides the dog toys result in conflict?

Here is a discussion about several communication tools.  Take a look and let us know if you think any of this might help:

Communication tools (SET, PUVAS, DEARMAN)

What makes you think she has BPD anyway? Other than your bf (I sympathize,  this would be hurtful to me if I were in your place), any other behaviors?

Turkish

[flourdust]

Sounds like an awful and very tense situation. Fortunately, you said roommate, not cellmate, so you can move out! Perhaps you could identify what barriers are keeping you from doing that and make a plan to overcome them.

[madmoxxi]

we have plans to move out in a few months... So, there's hope there. We just have to wait until renovations of our new house are done. However, living with her is very hard and I've had to go on PTSD medication and see my therapist one a week again and both my therapist and psych said I need out.
To be honest, it wouldn't be a big deal living with his ex of like 3 months if she wasn't so damn manipulative.

Regarding the dogs, my dog is like, two sizes bigger and stronger than hers and, while is very submissive, could definitely take down hers very easily. She continues to play with my dog's toys with her dog, which makes her dog aggressive, and I've told her this, and makes her dog go after mine and sometimes me. She finds it funny that her dog tries to bite us. I told her I will put up all the toys if she doesn't stop but she doesn't seem to care. She gets them out. Should I hide them? I don't blame the dog at all, this is a problem totally extubated by her.

Unfortunately, all boundaries I may be able to keep up collapse when she rages bc I shut down. It triggers my PTSD and I hide and have a panic attack.

Regarding "ragephobia", it does seem I have it. I am currently in CBT and DBT therapy but I can't do trauma therapy at the moment because my other disorders and current living situation make it so I wouldn't be able to cope with the exposure to the trauma I experienced. My therapist said I will probably have to be instutionalized again if I go through it before we move out, plus she doesn't want me to dissociate more than I already do. My psychiatrist said it probably would not be a smart idea, either, if my therapist is trying to keep me stable. Which she is. We are trying some coping skills, and the clonodine(the PTSD medication) seems to be helping. But I am still cycling in the PTSD episode, and it's making me dissociate, be irritable and sensitive, extremely anxious, have "flashbacks", and be super depressed. So, she thinks I'm not in the right state of mind to go through trauma therapy. The whole "rate it to make it better" thing is something I already do, actually, but do to my GAD and PTSD, it just reminds me how anxious and scared I am. If that makes sense. And I dissociate, and when I do, I have something called "absorption", where if I recognize it and try to snap out of it, it makes it worse. I was doing really well, mentally, when I moved in, despite her manipulation(I didn't recognize it until now), and I didn't think I'd be put in this position again, so I wasn't prepared. It just... crippled me. I read from that ragephobia that it's common to have PTSD from people raging. I also read you could walk away- but I have six animals and my boyfriend I care about in the house. When she raged, she left for a hotel. I don't think it was that she was recognizing her poor behavior, I think it was attention seeking. Ie: I'm leaving so you'll ask me to stay. Please don't go. She also follows you when she rages. When she raged last, she came to the second floor to our bedroom and yelled until my boyfriend got her away from me, and even then, she tried to get me to come downstairs. Which didn't work bc I was hiding, having a panic attack. Which is where my therapist and I hit a wall- I'm kinda paralyzed in fear.
Another thing I'd like to note- she's cutting on a nightly basis and showing it off. Originally, she was texting my bf and being like, "don't tell her but!" and then the next day, saying,  "did he tell you?" so my bf said it was too triggering for him and she needing to stop using us as a support system. Which, she did stop texting us or talking about it, for the most part.  But she is doing things like buying scapels and razors on our amazon and being like, don't talk about it bc I don't want to! and then she talks about it when I tell her I can't stop her so I won't(like my therapist said to say).  Then, she leaves blood and the instruments in plain sight. she stopped seeing her therapist and psychiatrist like last June. She uses that to get our attention and try to get us to say, no, you need to see them! (I am not just being crazy, my therapist confirmed it- she specializes in BPD) So, we've started to try to set boundaries with it-  that we are no longer her support system. However, she thinks we're like... best friends. I don't even consider her a friend anymore. And she can tell. She keeps saying we don't think she's a friend anymore. And what else can I say but yes you are or, I don't know what to tell you because you don't believe me anyways. I recognize this is part of my PTSD, but I am terrified she may hurt us or the animals if I say the wrong thing, and she keeps trying to start fights.
I don't know how a non-circular argument would go, if I can't explain or defend. Is it just saying, I'm not arguing with you.?

I like the dog story! I would love a therapy dog. (Although, my pup I got in July is pretty therapeutic!)

Sorry for the long post. I guess I'm looking for any coping skills you all may have for me... all I have right now that kinda works is medication(PTSD meds, not my anti-anxiety meds) and my therapist is having me think of my favorite color when she gets mean so I don't freak out or show I'm freaking out. I just need to get through until March without having a breakdown- I'm already having massive PTSD panic attacks where I have to be restrained bc apparently this trauma is triggering other trauma I've repressed and stuff I haven't. I read the Stop Walking on Eggshells book, and I understand why she does it, and I went through the steps, but I'm not sure it will work with her. She's pretty severe and getting worse. I don't know when her next outburst will be, and while I love to think she won't trigger me, my therapist says that's not how PTSD works, haha.

[madmoxxi]

I know I'm not being crazy bc my therapist agrees, but I certainly feel like it!

[Naughty Nibbler]

Madmoxxi:
Probably best to hide the toys away somewhere the roommate won't be apt to find them.  Glad to hear that you living situation is short term.

The links below lead to some helpful suggestions from a DBT self-help website.  There are several options for things to try when distressed.  I'm thinking you might find something you would like to try.   

IMPROVE THE MOMENT:
www.dbtselfhelp.com/html/improve_the_moment_worksheet.html

PANIC LIST FOR DISTRESS TOLERANCE:

www.dbtselfhelp.com/html/panic_list.html