Introductory Post - Ex Spouse in Crisis

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

I'm a male, 40 years old.  Twelve months ago I left my wife of 7 years.  That followed months of regular verbal, emotional and physical abuse as well as threats of suicide.  The physical abuse was there for years, in single episodes, a few times a year, but in the last few months of our marriage it become a weekly and sometimes daily occurrence.  My own behavior was the trigger for the increase.  I wont say it was my fault or that it was deserved but I was definitely the trigger.  When I left her I did not plan it.  I had tried several times to leave and a few times I tried to seek help.  You see, I was terrified that my leaving would send her into a tail spin.  A couple of my attempts to leave her resulted in what I can only describe as her having a panic attack that looked an awful lot like a stroke.  I was also told by her a few times that if I left I would be coming back to a dead body.  So needless to say I was terrified of what would happen to her if I left and I didn't want to leave without her having support.  I was more worried about her than myself.  One day I went to work and found a voice mail on my work phone (I didn't  have a cell phone the last few months because she wouldn't allow it) from a worried family member asking if I wanted to have lunch.  I called the family member back to accept the lunch invitation and without intent I broke down emotionally.  That was that.  With the help from family I left her that day with nothing but the clothes on my back.  

I have not seen her since but in the last few weeks we have had regular communication via phone and text.  I learned that shortly after I left she spent some time in a outpatient psychiatric program.  The event that broke open the communication was that the car we own broke.  Also, among other things she has been given a 30 day notice to vacate the condo that we were renting.  She does not have a job and has not really worked in almost 4 years.  The communication is horrible.  She is threatening, blaming, and is threatening that if I don't help her she will end up in a mental hospital.  She is also threatening to live in her car or a storage unit.  According to her all her friends and family have abandoned her and she is about to be homeless living in a broken down car with no job... .and it is all my fault... .I am the devil for doing this to her.  I am still financially supporting her and not just a little.  I have a 6-figure income (low 6-figures) and I would estimate I spend 80-90% of it supporting her.

A family member who is in the mental health field pointing me to some reading material on BPD.  I know that I cannot diagnose her but upon reading online information on BPD I found familiar story after familiar story.  I am amazed how accurately some of the online information describes the episodes I have experienced with her.

Tonight she ended up in the emergency room.  She sent me a text telling me so and telling me that it was my fault but she would not give me and details as to where, why or how.  I know she had a doctors appointment to discuss a medical issue she is having (another stress in her life) and that she went from there to the ER.  My suspicion is that she had a panic attack in the doctor's office.  She texted me again when she was released from the ER and again told me it was because of me.  She also told me that she wasn't going home and instead was going to sleep in her car.  The good news it that, according to her, due to this ER visit she now has a couple follow-up doctor visits this week.  I hope one of them is a psychiatrist.  That is another thing, in the last few weeks, the psychiatrist that she has been seeing for the past few years has fired her as a patient.  I do not know the details but according to her, I have something to do with it.          

Anyway, there is a lot more to the story and I can go on and on.  I feel like I'm watching a loved one tail spin and it is going to result in a large crash.  The hard part is that there is nothing I can do to help.  In fact, I'm learning that my "helping" by responding to here every demand in an attempt to keep her stable, is only hurting.  I can only hope that these doctor's that she is seeing this week recognize that she is in crisis and take appropriate action to get her real help.  What a helpless feeling.

  

[dlc]

I'm a male, 40 years old.  Twelve months ago I left my wife of 7 years.  That followed months of regular verbal, emotional and physical abuse as well as threats of suicide.  The physical abuse was there for years, in single episodes, a few times a year, but in the last few months of our marriage it become a weekly and sometimes daily occurrence.  My own behavior was the trigger for the increase.  I wont say it was my fault or that it was deserved but I was definitely the trigger.  When I left her I did not plan it.  I had tried several times to leave and a few times I tried to seek help.  You see, I was terrified that my leaving would send her into a tail spin.  A couple of my attempts to leave her resulted in what I can only describe as her having a panic attack that looked an awful lot like a stroke.  I was also told by her a few times that if I left I would be coming back to a dead body.  So needless to say I was terrified of what would happen to her if I left and I didn't want to leave without her having support.  I was more worried about her than myself.  One day I went to work and found a voice mail on my work phone (I didn't  have a cell phone the last few months because she wouldn't allow it) from a worried family member asking if I wanted to have lunch.  I called the family member back to accept the lunch invitation and without intent I broke down emotionally.  That was that.  With the help from family I left her that day with nothing but the clothes on my back.  

I have not seen her since but in the last few weeks we have had regular communication via phone and text.  I learned that shortly after I left she spent some time in a outpatient psychiatric program.  The event that broke open the communication was that the car we own broke.  Also, among other things she has been given a 30 day notice to vacate the condo that we were renting.  She does not have a job and has not really worked in almost 4 years.  The communication is horrible.  She is threatening, blaming, and is threatening that if I don't help her she will end up in a mental hospital.  She is also threatening to live in her car or a storage unit.  According to her all her friends and family have abandoned her and she is about to be homeless living in a broken down car with no job... .and it is all my fault... .I am the devil for doing this to her.  I am still financially supporting her and not just a little.  I have a 6-figure income (low 6-figures) and I would estimate I spend 80-90% of it supporting her.

A family member who is in the mental health field pointing me to some reading material on BPD.  I know that I cannot diagnose her but upon reading online information on BPD I found familiar story after familiar story.  I am amazed how accurately some of the online information describes the episodes I have experienced with her.

Tonight she ended up in the emergency room.  She sent me a text telling me so and telling me that it was my fault but she would not give me and details as to where, why or how.  I know she had a doctors appointment to discuss a medical issue she is having (another stress in her life) and that she went from there to the ER.  My suspicion is that she had a panic attack in the doctor's office.  She texted me again when she was released from the ER and again told me it was because of me.  She also told me that she wasn't going home and instead was going to sleep in her car.  The good news it that, according to her, due to this ER visit she now has a couple follow-up doctor visits this week.  I hope one of them is a psychiatrist.  That is another thing, in the last few weeks, the psychiatrist that she has been seeing for the past few years has fired her as a patient.  I do not know the details but according to her, I have something to do with it.          

Anyway, there is a lot more to the story and I can go on and on.  I feel like I'm watching a loved one tail spin and it is going to result in a large crash.  The hard part is that there is nothing I can do to help.  In fact, I'm learning that my "helping" by responding to here every demand in an attempt to keep her stable, is only hurting.  I can only hope that these doctor's that she is seeing this week recognize that she is in crisis and take appropriate action to get her real help.  What a helpless feeling.

  

[Naughty Nibbler]

Welcome dlc:   

I'm so sorry to hear about the situation with your ex.  Are you in the process of divorce?  Do you have children?

People with BPD like to blame others. I hear that you care about her, but no one can help her unless she allows it.  She is responsible for her own emotions and actions. You are not responsible if she harms herself.

It could be helpful for you to get some counseling to help you process things and deal with the reality of what is happening. Keep in touch with your family for support.

It would be helpful for you to read about FOG  (fear, obligation & guilt):
https://bpdfamily.com/content/emotional-blackmail-fear-obligation-and-guilt-fog

[GlennT]

Ironically, as long as you continue to support her financially, and she currently maintains shelter, food, clothes, etc., she will not be forced to receive the long-term therapy you want and she needs. It has been said on this board, that sometimes they need to hit rock-bottom before they are able to begin to achieve the necessary insight they need  in order to make positive personality changes.  As flawed as our mental health system is, people in this country, who are mentally deficient, and are unable to financially care for themselves, will eventually be processed according to their needs, and placed in some type of a facility. Especially if they are suicidal. They may be released before they are cured, but an emergency care facility will always be present in order to determine where they should be placed, and if there are resources or family present who can help. It IS a helpless feeling. I've been there. But I had to let it be. Schizophrenic ex would refuse treatment, misuse funds, and become homeless. In time, after much hard-ship, she received a glimpse of insight about the seriousness of her disease.She was placed in a long-term care facility. Now she is doing fairly well I hear, receiving needed therapy, and may be placed as a monitored out-patient in an apartment with another patient soon, as long as she continues therapy. As long as you see she is making positive changes in her personality, and is willing to stick with treatment, then, I think it would be good to offer your help when really needed.

[dlc]

We do not have kids.  I have had a lawyer draw up a petition for divorce but I have not given him the go ahead to file.  I keep waiting for signs that she is stable.  I'm beginning to understand the fallacy in that.

She was once a very strong, independent and talented person.  She was very successful in her career at a early age.  I think I was bad for her.  I think I enabled her.  That may be guilt I should not carry but it helps to understand it.

Thank you for the kind and supportive words. 

[Naughty Nibbler]

Hey dlc:  

 I think I was bad for her.  I think I enabled her.  That may be guilt I should not carry but it helps to understand it.  

In what way do you think you enabled her?  If you read enough posts by others, you will see a theme that the behavior of a person with BPD (pwBPD) defies ordinary logic.  Situations can be difficult to manage.  Just when you think a situation improves, it takes a turn in the other direction.

There can be value in discussing your feelings with a therapist.  Situations with a pwBPD vary.  Some have long periods of time, during which most people observe them to function normally.  A stressful event can cause them to dysregulate.  It is common for pwBPD to have other issues, such as depression, bipolar or an anxiety disorder.  In many of these cases, there is a chemical imbalance.  The degree of imbalance can vary over time, but most everyone with a chemical imbalance will hit a point in their life when they can be devastated by the imbalance, if they refuse treatment.

You can't control her emotions.  If she refuses treatment, you aren't responsible.

[Lucky Jim]

The hard part is that there is nothing I can do to help.  In fact, I'm learning that my "helping" by responding to here every demand in an attempt to keep her stable, is only hurting.

Right, dlc.  It's one thing to have compassion; it's another thing to attempt to rescue someone, in my view.  It's common to get drawn into the care taking mode in a BPD r/s, which I agree is unhealthy for all involved, yet it's a common dynamic.

LJ

[dlc]

In what way do you think you enabled her?

I enabled her by not setting boundaries and sticking to them.  In me she found someone that would jump through hoops and make extreme personal sacrifices to meet her requests and demands.  In her, I found someone to save.  I could be a superhero even for just a few moments at a time.  Over 10 years (7 years married) of this dynamic she became completely dependent upon me.  Literally it was to the point where if I went to work she stayed in bed.  On work days, I would make her breakfast... .go to work... .run home to make her lunch and walk the dog... .go back to work... .leave work early to make or bring her dinner... .etc.  During that time she would stay in bed and watch Netflix.  Weekends were great.  If I took time off from work it was great.  She wouldn't really operate unless I was around.  I think it is only fair to consider that I had a role in creating that dynamic and in a lot ways reveled in it.  When things got so bad that I had to leave, I left her in a completely dependent state without support.  Over the past two weeks, we have restarted communicating and I have been again helplessly running around like crazy trying to save her.  It was a familiar and sadly, a comfortable place to be.  It is like the anxiety and adrenaline of a damsel in distress is a drug.  With the help of family and my therapist I have been able to recognize what is happening and, in fact, that is what brought me here.  I'm not trying to bare all the responsibility but I do want to look at it openly to make sure I never get back into this situation again.         

I am talking to a licensed therapist.  In fact I just increased my visits to once a week and I see him tomorrow.

[Lucky Jim]

Over the past two weeks, we have restarted communicating and I have been again helplessly running around like crazy trying to save her.  It was a familiar and sadly, a comfortable place to be.

Right, you recognize the pattern so you have the ability to change it.  The dynamic you describe is more or less what many of us have fostered.  You have to be a kind of caretaker, or else you wouldn't be in a BPD r/s.  It comes from a place of codependency, of course, which is unhealthy for both in the r/s.

LuckyJim