Mother went full FOG in a busy parking lot

[catclaw]

So, this year starts off just sweetly... .

I gave my mom a voucher for a restaurant and a lunch for 4. My brother made a reservation and we were to meet there today (mom, me, brother, his SO).
I picked her up and during the 20 minute car ride, things escalated very quickly.
She's still employed by my dad, even after their separation and during their divorce. Turns out, he's going to sell the business and all contracts will stay in place, except for the ones who are employed for less than 15 hours/ week, she's one of them. Apart from not having been to work in a year for medical reasons, she doesn't even want to go there anymore.
So she started a rant on how unfair it is and how her employment deserves to be stay the way it is and how my dad works against her and so on, and what I would do, I told her that I would have them end my contract instead of ending it myself, so she can still receive financial aid and i explained to her that in his field of work, they calculate a lot and delete everything from their calculation that doesn't bring profit and that this is just how things work in this system. When she told me that after all this years this is so unfair and they need to treat her with more respect and it's my father's fault that the people who buy his business don't keep her, I cut off the conversation, telling her I don't want to talk about her and my father's issues. She kept finding loopholes as to why this isn't about him and I told her that there's always a reason it's not about him and that I'm not going to discuss their issues. Then she started crying hysterically and dramatically and made it about how she's all on her owwn and doesn't have anyone to talk to except for me and my brother and if I'd prefer she'd keep things to herself and die alone in her flat. That's where I lost it. I told her that I will let her out at the restaurant and drive home, so she can still spend time with my brother and his SO, but I'm done.
When we got out of the car, she made a complete scene, being hysteric and ramming her fists against my car and shouting at me. Some of the things she said were
- "You are lucky I'm not going to be mad at you for spending time with your father and his gf and even inviting them to your playe, you have that perfect little family and keep me out of it" (Wow, thank you mom, for allowing me to invite peole to my place)
- "I will die alone and have no one around me to listen to my sorrow" (she just turned 60. she's not dying anytime soon)
- "If YOU don't help me, who will? You're all that I have."
- "What kind of mother-daughter-relationship is that where the mother gives and gives and the daughter won't help her mother with existential problems in return?" (um, like, a healthy one?)

Everyone got a glimpse of her complete madness at this moment and then she turned to me and wanted to hug me and asked dramatically "why are you doing this to me? i am your mother" and I told her not to touch me. And she became even more dramatical, telling me i ruined her day and everything. To everyone around, I was the evil one, as always, pushing away a poor mother in need.

My brother drover her home and talked to her. She told him the exact same things she told me. HEs used to this madness and told her to just accept my boundary of not talking about my father with her.

We both sadi we're afraid she will harm herself and attempt suicide at this point (like her own mother did), but we both agreed we don't have the capacity  to prevent her from doing so. I will have to call an ambulance when things get really nasty.

[catclaw]

I really am proud of myself that I was able to not give in to this... .

There were a few points where I would have taken a few steps back in the past.

These situations are like a battle of "who is the crazy one", with her always being able to point at me and everybody believing her. 

In this case, I was 100% sure that what I said did not cause this and that my memory of what happened 2 minutes ago were right and I would not let her fool me into thinking that I cannot trust my mind, again.

My brother is 100% with me in this. He said that yes, the scene she made in public made everyone think I was the mad one for not showing empathy and just walking away, but he says that's just our dynamic and that it was good that I didn't take back the "crazy card" this time.

[Naughty Nibbler]

Hi Catclaw:  

I'm glad that you have the support of your brother.  Most people have never had a person with BPD in their life and don't understand.  When they see something, and don't know the entire situation, they can judge unfairly.  It's unlikely you will ever get  validation from strangers.   Is can, also, be hard to get validation from friends who can't understand.  Unless you spend some time researching and delving for understanding of the behaviors of pwBPD, it can be impossible to understand something that can defy logic.  

We both said we're afraid she will harm herself and attempt suicide at this point (like her own mother did), but we both agreed we don't have the capacity  to prevent her from doing so. I will have to call an ambulance when things get really nasty.

I'm sorry about the situation, it has to be hard for you.  Good for you for continuing to see your father.  Your mom is responsible for her own emotions.  If she won't get help for herself, then there isn't much to do.  She can choose to make new friends, seek therapy, get some meds to help her.  

[Pilpel]

We both sadi we're afraid she will harm herself and attempt suicide at this point (like her own mother did), but we both agreed we don't have the capacity  to prevent her from doing so. I will have to call an ambulance when things get really nasty.

I think that's the best you can do.  I've never had to deal with that myself.  But I have a friend whose MIL manipulates her husband with threats of suicide.  It's been so damaging for her husband and their marriage.

[catclaw]

Thank you for reassuring me. This really helps.

I'm feeling terrible right now. My mom called me and well...   there was lots of blaming, judging and so on...

I stood my ground again and now I'm feelong more guilty than before...