He might contact me and I'm not ready

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I posted this in another one of my boards but it may need its own subject line... .

Something happened yesterday. So basically I've mentioned on another board that my ex was 8 years younger than me and culturally his family was very against the relationship. So when I was introduced to another guy, instead of stepping up, my bf decided to start talking to another girl, so that "I won't go crazy when you start dating the other guy." I told him, I'm still with you and you want me to accept another woman in your life on the basis of a future relationship with another guy that may or may not happen? Yet everything was black and white in his mind and he always managed to justify his own actions.

Long story short, after being NC for 2 months, he found out that the other guy is now married to someone else (by stalking him on Facebook). In his head, he was so convinced that we'd be married that he found a new female friend, put me though all sorts of trauma having to watch my bf "hanging out" with replacement girls... .the whole nine yards.

Anyway, after snooping and finding out the other guy is married, he contacted our mutual friend S and asks why "that ass got married to another girl? Why didn't he marry her?" And she's like he just didn't. And my ex says, "So all this was for nothing?"

And now, I feel, as does my therapist that this may be a point where he might be likely to contact me. And the scary part is, I don't know how strong I will be if he does.

I was telling my therapist the fact that he went on a mini vacation with another girl and took her to the ny eve party is a deal breaker. That if he has been intimate with another woman after me, i'm not interested in someone else's guy. He's not "mine" anymore. I have been using these 2 months to learn about myself and improve my relationships etc and have not been with anyone at all. The problem here is I still can't wrap my head around the fact that he was never "mine" to begin with. She tells me I'm stronger now, but the fact that I'm planning to use his other relationship as ammo to say no is worrisome. I should be strong enough to say no irrespective because it will never work fro us.

After being on this site for so long, I knowing that they can block their minds when they turn us black. Yet he was curious enough to snoop and find out about the other guy and in a crazy way I'm flattered that he's still interested in what I'm doing. I know, crazy is the correct word. Instead I should be worried that he's still trying to find out and maybe at some point contact or control me.

So this is why I'm hoping against hope that he doesn't contact me because as yet I don't trust myself to do the right thing.

[mevz]

I posted this in another one of my boards but it may need its own subject line... .

Something happened yesterday. So basically I've mentioned on another board that my ex was 8 years younger than me and culturally his family was very against the relationship. So when I was introduced to another guy, instead of stepping up, my bf decided to start talking to another girl, so that "I won't go crazy when you start dating the other guy." I told him, I'm still with you and you want me to accept another woman in your life on the basis of a future relationship with another guy that may or may not happen? Yet everything was black and white in his mind and he always managed to justify his own actions.

Long story short, after being NC for 2 months, he found out that the other guy is now married to someone else (by stalking him on Facebook). In his head, he was so convinced that we'd be married that he found a new female friend, put me though all sorts of trauma having to watch my bf "hanging out" with replacement girls... .the whole nine yards.

Anyway, after snooping and finding out the other guy is married, he contacted our mutual friend S and asks why "that ass got married to another girl? Why didn't he marry her?" And she's like he just didn't. And my ex says, "So all this was for nothing?"

And now, I feel, as does my therapist that this may be a point where he might be likely to contact me. And the scary part is, I don't know how strong I will be if he does.

I was telling my therapist the fact that he went on a mini vacation with another girl and took her to the ny eve party is a deal breaker. That if he has been intimate with another woman after me, i'm not interested in someone else's guy. He's not "mine" anymore. I have been using these 2 months to learn about myself and improve my relationships etc and have not been with anyone at all. The problem here is I still can't wrap my head around the fact that he was never "mine" to begin with. She tells me I'm stronger now, but the fact that I'm planning to use his other relationship as ammo to say no is worrisome. I should be strong enough to say no irrespective because it will never work fro us.

After being on this site for so long, I knowing that they can block their minds when they turn us black. Yet he was curious enough to snoop and find out about the other guy and in a crazy way I'm flattered that he's still interested in what I'm doing. I know, crazy is the correct word. Instead I should be worried that he's still trying to find out and maybe at some point contact or control me.

So this is why I'm hoping against hope that he doesn't contact me because as yet I don't trust myself to do the right thing.

[ynwa]

Hey mevz,

You said you aren't ready.  You probably aren't.  That is tough to think about.  But this is about you.  Not them. 

I fought today sending my (whatever she is at this point) a text.  "I'm here to talk. I'm not quiet because I want to be." That thought/sentiment stopped me in my tracks. I totally forgot what I was doing.   She unravels me and she's is not even here. 

Reaching out is like grabbing the same hot kettle over and over. I forget that it's hot, and then for the rest of the day I'm reminded how much my hand hurts whenever I touch anything else... .

Do you think you would be able to stay detached and able to hear what he has to say?

Could you walk away from say a phonecall and be ok?

[mevz]

I don't know what I'd do or how detached I could be. That's why I'm hoping I don't have to be in the situation until I am stronger and more indifferent. He hasn't been in touch yet so here's to hoping.

I really just want to fix myself first and not have to deal with any more craziness.

[jhkbuzz]

Hi Mevz,

First of all, good for you for being self aware enough to understand the (emotional) danger of contact with him.  

I agree with your assessment: down the road, in the future, seeing him or talking to him might not be such a big deal. But right now you're emotionally vulnerable and it wouldn't be wise. Your first order of priority is to take care of YOU and your wounded heart.

Some questions: have you blocked him on social media and your phone? If not, why not?

Also: on the off chance that he may come find you in person, you might want to (repeatedly) practice what you would say to him. And I do mean "repeatedly", so it comes to you automatically if you do see him. Something simple and clear that draws a boundary and lets him know you don't want to see him again, e.g.  "I don't want any kind of relationship with you." Repeat it if necessary as you're walking away.

I feel for you - I remember the epic battle between my heart and my head when my ex and I first broke up. (She cheated - repeatedly). But this is the thing I had to decide, and you do too: are you willing to allow this person to treat you this way? Because if he did it once, he's going to do it again in the future - that's guaranteed.

It sounds like you already know the answer to that question. Stay strong.  

[talks to angels]

If you feel you do not want to talk, than you need to take the power. Block all forms of communication. As long as you leave a window open, you are in away, maybe subconsciously wanting them to contact you.

[mevz]

He had told me once that even if we block each other on Facebook, we can still make another profile if we really wanted to check each other out. I've blocked him irrespective, mainly because I didn't want to stalk him. I've also blocked all his contact numbers on my cell and whatsapp. I can't block him on my office phone so he can call on that number. Also, he's been to my workplace many times to visit me and I think if he were to contact me, this is where he'd come. In this day an age, there's no way to completely block out someone.

Throughout our relationship, if he wanted something, he'd ask, demand, throw a tantrum, cry, threaten... .basically he did whatever it took to get it. So if he wants to see me, he will find a way.

I do like your suggestion jhkbuzz to have some lines memorized to say if he does. I will think of something.

It's been 5 days since he inquired about me, and I haven't asked our friend for more details, mainly because my therapist says this is still enmeshment and violates NC to a certain extent. So I'm not asking. I'm just hoping that since it's been 5 days, he may not contact me at all just yet. Fingers crossed.