Introductory Post

[Grey Lein]

Hi, I'm Grey. I'm obviously new to this, and I know that my audience is receptive, so I'm just going to dive in.

I'm in my thirties, divorced, and have a ten-year-old son. My boyfriend (I'll call him Rick) and I have been together for three years, co-habitating for the last two years. Things were up and down throughout the first year, but once we started living together the volume skyrocketed. We chalked a lot of it up to stress - a messy divorce and the death of a second parent for me; Rick went from a loner living with his mom to having a mortgage with "wife and kids". Neither is an easy time. We worked through each argument, together. We were definitely still spinning in circles, though.

When Rick was diagnosed BPD last May, we really took a turn for the better. It was the piece that was missing. I sobbed with relief knowing there were tools and a community and support, that our hope was not in vain.

We tried couples counseling, but quickly realized that even if we were both more comfortable with that specific counselor, she didn't have the tools to help us. I tried reaching out to my closest friends, but even at their most supportive, they just don't "get" it. I see a counselor (she's amazing), and my son does as well. Even if we could afford out-of-pocket, or if Rick had insurance, I'm not sure he would go. Most of our "help" has been from awesome websites like this. He's researched calming techniques, I've read DBT guides... it's helped, but only so far.

What I'm looking to find here is the support of a community... advice (lots regarding the relationship between my son and Rick)... .answers... .suggestions for reading or techniques.

Questions are welcome; I'm not sure if I've given too much or too little info. I'll do my best to respond in a timely manner.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Mutt]

Hi Grey,  



I'd like to welcome you to  bpdfamily. That's a wise choice for you to learn communication skills and to get advice from peers. It can feel lonely when you turn to family and friends for advice and they give you advice that should work when a partner doesn't suffer from mental illness. They mean well and they try. It helps to talk to people that can relate with you.

A pwBPD are highly sensitive, have low self worth and self esteem, self loath and are not really hard on themselves internally. It helps to validate a pwBPD feelings that way the person feels like they're being heard, validation works on non disordered people as well.

‎Communication Skills - Don't Be Invalidating

Feelings equal facts to a pwBPD , it helps to communicate that they're being understood, validate their feelings and package our truth a the end. Learn as much as you can about the disorder, you'll quickly see the benefits and become proficient over time. The lessons that will help your r/s are found on the right side of the board.

Co‎mmunicate - S.E.T. (Support, Empathy and Truth)  

[Tattered Heart]

Welcome. Lots of great advice and teaching information here. It's been a huge help to me, even just reading other's concerns and stories. What specifically have you been going through with your spouse?

[Grey Lein]

Thank you, Tattered and Mutt for the warm welcome.

I appreciate the links! I have not yet fully explored this website. Although much of the information I've read on other sites is expressed here as well, I definitely prefer the way it's relayed here. There's also a lot MORE here than other sites, so pointing out places to start is very helpful.

Connecting with peers is especially beneficial to me. When I talk to my close friends, I truly feel like I'm justifying ALL the time... my behavior, his behavior. They DO mean well, but that isn't enough.

One of my biggest personal challenges in this relationship is in setting boundaries. It's a challenge I've dealt with throughout my life, with varying degrees of success. In the past, I have had trouble finding a balance between doormat and dictator. In THIS relationship, finding and maintaining that balance has been critical. The toughest situation for me is when my SO challenges boundaries relating to my son, particularly by getting loud, aggressive, etc in my son's presence. My instinct is to protect my son, and most of the time I surprise myself by being able to stay calm, but I'm far from mastering myself. I know that if I react, the situation will only get worse. It's a struggle, and some days I'm less successful than others.

The other aspect I could use advice on is my son in general. He's ten; extremely intelligent, sensitive, and compassionate; also struggling with moderate depression/anxiety, and with slight physical challenges. He completely looks up to my SO. I don't want him to see my tolerance of my SO's behaviors and emulate them, but I also don't know that he can fully understand the difference of mental illness compared to bad behavior in general. This might just be an area to discuss with my son's counselor. Any thoughts are welcome.

I have quite a bit of reading to do, much learning in general.

[Turkish]

I'd agree that 10 is to young to discuss mental illness.  Even if he were diagnosed,  a professional guiding you would focus how to deal with behaviors.

I don't know how you refer to your bf, but if anything,  I'd say,  "Step-Dad  [or name here] sometimes gets angry,  or sad. How do you feel about that?" Listen,  and go from there.  We have a lot of material on validating and supporting kids on the Co-Parenting Board.

At this point,  your son sees things from his point of view,  and you from yours.  This may feel difficult to reconcile, but there is a middle ground. 

Is your son's father involved in his life?